


Take That Back

by Dont_Stop_Larry, OhNoLarreh



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 20 year old student Harry, 23 year old student Louis, Harry and Louis always had a connection, Harry and Louis can't keep their eyes of each other even tho they can't stand each other, Harry has a low self-esteem, Harry struggles with eating from time to time (eating disorder), Liam and Louis Are Brothers, Liam is Harry's best friend, Lot of fluff, M/M, Nick and Harry live together, Smut, a lot of fighting, bit of Xarry, bit of ziam, buy her book! It's incredible!, lot of plot twists, the story is inspired by 'Kirschroter Sommer (cherry red summer)' by Carina Bartsch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-01 11:17:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 146,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5203790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Stop_Larry/pseuds/Dont_Stop_Larry, https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNoLarreh/pseuds/OhNoLarreh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a year apart, Harry will finally get to spend more time with his best friend Liam as they attend the same university. There's just one problem...Louis, Liam's older brother.</p><p>OR</p><p>#AU where Louis and Harry don't get along...not anymore. But maybe being forced into each others company by Harry's and Liam's friendship will change things...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Glad To See You Again

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Kirschroter Sommer](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/283653) by Carina Bartsch. 



Today was literally going to be the best day I'd had in a long time. Liam, who had been my best friend since I was 3, was finally moving to London. We've been separated for just over a year, after we chose to go to different Universities.  But now, he was finally moving to London, and I was getting my best friend back. I mean, I'm not a loner or anything, but I don't have many friends here either. I guess I just don't get along with people very well. Liam would say the opposite, but he was my best friend, so naturally I was always talkative around him. New people scared me, cause everyone nowadays judged on first impressions, and I never wanted to make the mistake of giving the wrong one. Sure, I am always polite to everyone that I meet, but to be quite honest, most of the people at my University aren't the kind of people I like to hang around with. I'm simply not into going clubbing every night, and the fact that I have to work a lot to put myself through college didn't leave me much room for making friends anyways. I don't feel lonely at all, because if I'm not at work, classes or on the phone with Liam, I had my flatmate Nick around me. But to be honest, I miss talking face to face with Liam.

The reason Liam was moving to London wasn't just because he wanted a change of scenery and wanted to change his major. He had fallen for the wrong guy again, and he needed the comfort of his best friend. Liam always fell in love with the kind of guys that, in my opinion, you should definitely avoid, but I was never one to tell him who to date and who not to date. I gave him my opinion of course, but ultimately, it was his choice, and he just never chose well. The last one I met turned out to be some sort of scientist, and I found him kind of creepy and weird, but Liam had assured me that he was the one, the love of his life. Six months later, I was there to pick up the pieces from my heart-broken best friend again. 

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out, a smile stretching across my face. 

_Li: 23 minutes and 21 seconds until I finally get the hug that I've waited for so long. xx_

_H: Can't wait to see you, Li!_

I checked my reflection in the mirror. "Styles, you really look great today. Nice hair," I mumbled to myself. I grabbed my bag and went to the kitchen, where my flatmate, Nick, was standing, making himself some food.

"Harry, are you going out? You look good, like, really good..."

"Thanks for telling me I look horrible the rest of the time," I joked, and he cracked a lopsided grin, wanting me to explain. "No, not really. Just going over to Liam. He moved to London, remember?" 

"Oh, right! The Liam that you've been talking nonstop about for weeks now...and that's the reason you wear your best pair of skinny jeans? I thought you were just friends?"Nick smirked as he said this, raising an eyebrow, and I rolled my eyes.

"Nick, we _are_ just friends - best friends, to be exact, but nothing more. I just wanna look nice. There's nothing wrong with it?"

"Sure, Jan" he teased, winking at me.

"Oh, shut up. That would be like being attracted to the brother I never had!"I turned my back on him and headed for the door, ignoring the throaty chuckle that came from behind me. "See ya later, mate. And don't forget to text me when it's safe to come in. I don't want to walk in on you and that guy fucking on the table again."

"His name is Chris. And it wasn't the table - it was the island!"

"Whatever...just spare my innocent eyes of that sight, will you? Have a great day." I didn't wait for Nick's response, but closed the front door behind me, locking it and pocketing my key. 

After a 10 minute bus ride and after I had grabbed two pizzas and some salad on the way, I finally arrived at the fancy building where Liam's new flat was supposed to be. I got off the bus, keeping my head down and walking towards the parking lot. I smiled when I saw a familiar car parked a few spaces away. Liam was finally here in London. 

Liam had told me that he would move into a fancy loft that his parents were paying for. He was pretty much a spoiled brat and had boasted about his new flat over the past couple of weeks, but I really didn't mind. He was just excited to see me and I him. He ensured me that his kitchen was about three times bigger than the one at my place and he had a panoramic view over whole London. But, of course, his flat was on the fifth floor. Lucky me there was an elevator, which would make my life a bit more simple. 

When I finally made it to the fifth floor I was greeted by a big, metal door with a sign that said _Tomlinson._ I couldn't even describe how much I was looking forward to see my best friend again. It felt like ages since we had seen each other and I was pretty sure he was just as excited as I was. I rang the bell and only a few moments later I could hear his footsteps behind the door. 

"Come on! Open that damn door," I cheered impatiently. 

As soon as I had finished my sentence the big, heavy door swung open. But to my surprise, I wasn't greeted by Liam's warm smile, but by cold, light blue eyes, which were eyeing me from head to toe. There was a contemptuous smirk on the young man's face. This gaze was way too familiar. I swallowed hard as I eyed the guy with his tight black skinny jeans and his white muscle shirt, which was revealing some tattoos on his chest and his arms. His brown fluffy hair was mostly hidden under a grey beanie. His eyes bored into mine, and I watched as his smirk became even more prominent,  before he spoke. This was _the_ Louis Tomlinson that I knew. He was Liam's older bother. And if I said we weren't on the best terms, it would be an complete understatement. When we were young we got along quite well, but that changed when Louis decided it was in his best interest to rip my heart out and stomp all over it.  All of this had happened over five years ago and since then, I had avoided running into him as best I could. Sure, we had seen each other a few times, when all of us were home for the holidays and I visited their family, but somehow I had managed to avoid him completely for the past two years. He had changed a lot. He became more mature. The contours of his cheekbones looked sharper then ever. I hated to admit it, but he changed to his advantage. I mean, Louis had always been gorgeous and he had always been the boy everyone wanted, but the flamboyant Louis from years ago was nothing like this manly Louis that was standing right in front of me. 

"Oh the delivery boy is here. How much is it, babe?" he asked sarcastically, still looking at me with that bitchy smirk plastered to his face. EXCUSE ME? Did he just mistake me for the delivery boy? He can't be serious. Why was he even here in the first place? I rolled my eyes...Louis knew exactly who I was. It wasn't like I had changed a whole lot in the past two years. I really hoped he was just here for today and then leaving tomorrow, because just standing in front of him for the past minute was more of Louis than I had ever wanted to see. I knew he was studying in London as well, only because Liam had mentioned it in passing, but I never asked in which part of London Louis was living...I never really cared to know, anyway.

"Louis, for fuck's sake, don't play stupid...just let Harry in!" Liam's voice sounded from somewhere behind his brother, who just scoffed in response before stepping aside and letting me in. I had barely made it through the door before Liam threw himself at me, hugging me tightly and trying to spin me around. I tightened the grip on the pizza-boxes, making sure to hold them tightly. 

"HAROLD!!!" Liam practically screamed, not stopping in his spinning.  After what felt like an eternity he pulled back, grinning like a maniac. "Look at you! Your hair is curlier than ever. And I swear you got taller, which I didn't think was possible."

"And you have no hair at all, Liam."

"Oh shut it, Haz!" he laughed, and I couldn't help but smile wider. It was so so good to see him.

"Nice to see you, Liam. I've really missed you."

"Missed you too, H."

"Oh Harry. I remember now. Sorry I didn't recognize you. You look...um, yeah, well, different. Did you gain some weight?" Louis smirked devilishly, his eyes not leaving my face for an instant. Even though I knew he only wanted to provoke me, it kind of hurt. But there was no way in hell I was going to let him know that after this much time, he could still get to me. I rolled my eyes and scoffed at him.

"Seems like you missed each other a lot," Liam joked, looking between the two of us, confused out of his mind. Apparently only now had he figured out that it probably wasn't the best idea to have us in the same house.

"What is he doing here anyways?" I countered, pretending Louis wasn't even there, which earned me a glare.

"What I am doing here, _Harold_? I live here - so the better question would be: What are _you_ doing here?" he interrupted, 

"What?" I gaped at him, before turning to face Liam, who just shrugged his shoulders innocently. 

"Um, I figured you wouldn't come if you knew that he is living here as well," he countered in defense, and I just sighed. _Fucking great_. That would mean I would have to see Louis more often, which was definitely more than I ever wanted to. I glared at Liam, who just held up his hands in defense.

"Sorry, not sorry," he mumbled. "Come on, Haz. I'll show you our flat and then we can eat," Liam announced cheerfully, grabbing my arm and dragging me down the hallway. 

____________

Almost an hour later, and after I had seen every single inch of their flat, I was still angry. How could someone be as arrogant as Louis was? _"The delivery boy is here,"_  I imitated his voice in my head. Fucking asshole.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Liam looked at me, worried. "You seem a little bit off..."

"Yeah, Li, I'm fine. I'm just tired. Had a long day at work."

"Why didn't you tell me? You worked all day and I asked you to come over. I'm sorry, Haz! I could have come over to your flat as well. You can go home, if you want."

"Don't be stupid, Liam! I wanted to see you and I'm glad I'm here," I gave him a small smile and continued to hand him our plates to put them into the dishwasher. Liam's smile came back and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, sighing.

"This whole thing is going to be so sick! You and me, finally, in one city. One college. Cool parties..."

"Yeah, sounds like fun to me as well." I replied, not mentioning that I didn't go to parties. But now that Liam was here, maybe I would. Nick had tried it before, but I could be pretty stubborn. 

"And we're finally going to find the perfect guy for you!" He continued, but I just rolled my eyes.

"NO! We had a deal, Liam James Tomlinson! No hooking up, get it? The last time you wanted to hook me up with someone, we ended up at the hospital because the guy had nearly every food allergy that it is possible to have."

"I liked him..."

I shook my head, but I was still smiling. Having Liam around just made me happy.

An quiet, arrogant chuckle came from across the room. Fuck, I had already forgotten about his stupid ass, but here he was again, being annoying as shit.

"Apparently nobody is good enough for young Harold over there?" Louis added, coming closer and throwing himself into a comfortable chair.

"If you say so..." I snorted scornfully.

"Hey! Harry is just looking for the right one, okay?" Liam countered, and a small blush covered my cheeks. Why was I even blushing? "You could take Harry as an example, Louis." 

"Yeah, why don't you?" I smirked at him, and his cheeks colored. A moment later, however, he was back to his normal self, rolling his eyes at me.

"Maybe I don't wanna die as a virgin, Har-"

"Okay, enough. Save some of your attitude for the next few months," Liam exclaimed, annoyed by our little teasing session, for want of a better term.

_____________________

Aside from a few unnecessary comments from Louis, the evening went great, and it was probably the happiest I had been in a long time. Liam had told me everything about his recent trip to Paris and how much he adored French men. He even hooked up with a random dude called Pierre, who turned out to be an even bigger dick than Liam's ex boyfriend. Liam definitely had some sort of magnet in his pants, that made a point of finding every douche in circumference of about a hundred miles. 

"Li, I didn't know you were bringing a piano. Is this a new way to impress your dates?" I joked, and Liam shoved me playfully.

"Ha-ha, very funny, Mr. Styles. Why don't you ask my brother instead? I mean, it's his piano. Maybe that's what he uses it for...I haven't heard him actually play in ages."

Shit. How hadn't I thought about the possibility that the piano wasn't Liam's. _Styles ... think of a funny counter before Louis can say anything dumb before you!'_  I thought to myself.

"Really, Louis?" I commented, glancing over at him, "Your dates stay for a song after you've played hide and seek with them in your bedroom? How romantic."

 _Good one,_ Styles. I patted my back mentally. Take that, _Lewis_.

"Who said I 'played hide and seek in the bedroom'?  Maybe we don't even get to the bedroom..." he smirked, waiting for my response.

I swallowed, my stomach knotting with nerves. Why the fuck was I getting nervous?

"Well...as much as I enjoy the company of you and your testosterone-driven brother, Liam, I think I have to go. It's late. Have to work tomorrow morning, anyway," I excused myself as I caught myself getting more and more anxious with every minute I had to spend in one room with Louis. I definitely needed to get out of there.

"How are you gonna get home, Haz? The last bus is listed at 10:30 pm and it's almost two in the morning," Liam looked at me questioningly, and my heart sank...I hadn't thought about that.

"Um...I'll walk? Yeah, I'll definitely walk." I replied, standing up and preparing to leave.

"That's utter bullshit! You can't walk home by yourself at 2 am!"

"Liam, I'm not a baby anymore."

"Louis can drive you!"

"WHAT?" Louis and I both exclaimed. That was not happening. No. 

"Be a good brother and give my best friend a ride. I'll do the house cleaning for two weeks. Deal?"

"No!" Louis protested, folding his arms across his chest in defiance.

"Okay, fine - 3 weeks, that's my last word."

"You don't have to do that, Liam. I'm fine with walking, I promise!" I tried to interrupt, but he wasn't having it.

"Don't be stupid, Harry! So...deal, Louis? Pleeeease."

"Fuck...fine! You definitely owe me for giving your stupid friend over there a ride. I hope I don't have to sell my car afterwards."

"You're the best!" Liam said happily, pressing a kiss onto Louis' cheek, which he wiped off before slouching over to the counter to get his keys. I didn't say a word, just gave a quick wave to Liam and followed Louis out the front door and down the stairs.

Well, this was going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2 - Like It Was Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most Chapters are a complete collaboration, but some are either one or the other of the two of us. Tried to keep the writing style as similar as possible!

"This way!" Louis commanded me, not looking back as he went on ahead. I rolled my eyes, but did as he asked. Why did I agree to let Louis drive me home again? Oh well right - Liam kinda forced us, so neither of us had a choice. But honestly, I was not at all sure how I was supposed to survive a car ride with Louis. The last couple hours had been enough to make me see that if Louis hadn't hated me before, he most certainly did now. Not that it mattered, cause I didn't like him either.

"Harold, I said thi-"

"Oh, shut it, Louis. You know it's Harry and not Harold. Why can't you just call me Harry like everyone else?"

"Because I'm not everyone else, now am I?" he said, and I could literally hear the smirk in his voice.

"Yeah, sorry, I completely forgot...you're the king of the universe, aren't you? Just take me to your fucking car already," I snapped. Shit, I was already annoyed out of my mind and we still had a 15 minute car ride to get through...the two of us crammed into one car. This was going to be an adventure, that was for sure.

"Over there," he said shortly, pointing at fairly new car. I just shook my head, remembering, that their parents spent more than the last twenty years to spoil their children. I, on the other hand, was lucky enough to be able to afford a ticket for the fucking bus.

"Stop staring, curly," he scoffed at me, catching me as my mind drifted away. 

"Didn't know people paid you so much for sex that you could afford a car like this," I said primly, patting the roof of the car.

Louis, who was about to just get in the car, stopped dead and turned to me, a look in his eyes that I couldn't quite place, but the look on his face was clear. He was not amused by my comment.

"I really don't like you and your arrogant attitude, Styles. I hope you know that..."

"Same goes for you, Tomlinson," I countered, glaring right back. He looked away first, and I praised myself silently, getting into the front seat and staring out the window.

____________

After a 15-minute ride of complete silence, Louis finally pulled up in front of my home. I hesitated for a second, but decided to thank him for the ride, even if I hadn't really wanted it. Ignoring the fact that Liam had almost forced him to, it was still nice of him to agree instead of flat out refusing.

"Thanks for the ride, Lou-"

"Yeah. It's fine. Get outta here. Definitely spent enough time with you today," he said in a hard voice, and I felt the blood rising to my cheeks in anger. He didn't have to treat me like that when I was just trying to be nice.

I slammed the door shut and ignored the angry "Oii!" from Louis as I walked towards the building. He was right. Definitely enough time spent with that idiot. I got in the house, headed up to my room, and flopped down on my bed, pulling out my phone to text Liam.

 

_H: survived the ride. Barely alive, but still breathing. Please don't make me do that ever again._

_Li: Come on, Haz. Once you get to know each other better again, you'll become close friends, I'm sure of it. x_

_H: Sure...Good night, Li. X_

_Li: Night, Haz. X_

Already half asleep, I managed to get up off the bed and strip down to my boxers. It was already 2:15 AM. Luckily for me, my shift at the bakery didn't start until later in the morning, so I had five hours or so to sleep. Still fuming about Louis and his arrogance, I fell back against my pillows and slowly fell asleep.

____________

My shift was awful. It didn't have a thing to do with the fact that I had only gotten an hour of sleep. I had gone days without sleeping before, so that wasn't the problem. The other employee, Susan, had called in sick...again. So I had to do all of the prep, all of the refilling, and all of the customers by myself. The line never seemed to end, but in contrast just got longer and longer, but I couldn't work any faster, and it resulted in me staying a lot later than I usually did.

"Goodbye, Mr. Lancaster. Tell your wife I said hi and that I hope she'll feel better soon," I said kindly to the older man in front of me. He slipped me a tip with a wink and headed out. I sighed and turned to face the other customers. "What can I get for...you?" I stumbled over the last word, because I was staring directly into a pair of bright blue eyes, ones that I recognized too well, much to my annoyance.

" _Harold_." Louis nodded in greeting and I grit my teeth. He was a customer...I had to be nice.

" _Lewis_. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

There...that was polite...bordering on bitingly rude, but whatever.

"Funnily enough, I was thinking the same thing," he replied, his cheeky half smile making my bite the inside of my cheek in an effort not to roll my eyes.

"So?"

"So what?"

"What do you want?" I asked, listening hard to make sure that Beth wasn't coming out from the back with new pastries or bread. She would have my head if she heard how I was speaking to Louis.

"Puh...to be honest, I'm not even sure," he said slowly, gazing over the many different things we had lined up in the window.

"I have no time for your games, Louis. Order or leave." I shifted impatiently from one foot to another, biting my tongue after that one...it was pretty rude, and Louis was a customer, after all.

"Keep calm, Curly...I'll take two croissants for Liam, and I want...a cinnamon roll."

 _Cinnamon roll. What a good choice. I could have known that he would go for it, since he liked cinnamon that much. Oh stop it, Styles. What do you think you're doing?_   I shook my head, trying to get rid off my thoughts.

"Is that everything?" I managed, pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind. Louis may be a customer, but I still didn't like him.

"You could give me your number?" he suggested, his smirk widening. I could WHAT? Did he just ask for my fucking number...while ordering food? What kind of lame pickup line was that?

"Are you fucking insane? Why should I?"

"Because I drove you home last night?" Louis grinned, taking the bag I was offering him and playing with the handles.

"Wow, a ride meant that much to you? What are we, married with four kids now?" I retorted, getting my hand off the bag as quickly as possible and ringing him up for his food.

"Four? That's ridiculous. Two is enough, love"

"Don't call me love. We're not even friends, Louis."

"Okay, so what is it?"

"What is what?"

"What's your phone number, idiot."

"Bye, _Lewis_..." I said in a strained voice, trying so hard to keep my temper under control. I just wanted him to leave so I could close up in peace.

"You definitely have to loosen up. No wonder nobody wants to fuck you. Guess Liam was right about that one..."

My jaw dropped and my will to keep ahold of my tongue left me. "Get the hell out," I growled, and Louis held up his hands in defense.

"Alright, alright, I'm going." Louis answered, and with a little wave, he was out the door.

What the fuck was that? Did Liam tell Louis about my sex-life? Was he fucking serious? I was definitely gonna kill him.­ I pulled out my phone and turned around so no one would see.

_H: What have you told Louis?????_

_H: ANSWER ME!_

_H: LIAM!_

_L: Morning. What should I have told Louis?_

_H: He was just in here and he said, in a nutshell... 'Liam was right in saying that nobody wants to fuck you'_

_L: I've never said anything like that to him._

_H: You didn't???_

_L: Sorry, love. But it seems like he fooled you._

_H: Great. Fucking great. Talk to you later, Li._

 

Fuck. Louis had lied to me, and basically gotten me to say that his accusations were true. I was such a fucking idiot.

____________

When I arrived back home almost eight hours later, Nick already cooked some food. Have I mentioned how much I loved Nick? I mean, okay, he was a bit of a player and had this nasty habit of fucking guys all over the house and neglecting to tell me until I walked in and caught them at it, but overall he was a really nice guy. We had met at my first year at college when he volunteered to show the first-year-students around the campus. It was only after a year of knowing him that I was almost positive he had done that in an effort to find hot guys to fuck. Anyway, it turned out that his flatmate moved out and he was searching for a new one, and that's where I came in. Being a first year student and having little money to get a place of my own, Nick had offered up the spot to me, and I had taken it, and here we were, one year later. Nick was studying Design, just like Liam, which would give them something to talk about when Liam came over. He was really talented, and I was sure that Liam would ask for his advice in the future. In his spare time, he worked as a barkeeper at a gay bar downtown. Everybody loved Nick - he was famous for his parties and his craziness and his kindness to most people. Not a day went by without a crazy story involving Nick Grimshaw spreading like wildfire around campus.

Even though Nick was almost 25, which made him 5 years older than me, we got along quite well. He was the only real friend that I'd made since I started at University. Nick was definitely a party animal, one of the many things he was famous for in this town, but on the other hand he was kind and sweet and would always be there to talk to me if I needed someone.

"Smells delicious, Nick," I called to him, toeing off my shoes at the door and walking into the kitchen.

"It's pasta with spinach and cheese sauce. Your favourite. Thought you could use some good food after your shift. I saw all the people at the bakery when I walked home, and you looked pretty frazzled yourself." he smiled, his voice sounding pitying.

"Reason number 923 why I love you," I sighed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You're the best."

Nick laughed. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Take a seat, I'll fetch you some wine and then I wanna know everything about your day."

"Ugh. It was horrible. Susan called in sick AGAIN and I had to do all of the work on my own." I said over my shoulder as I headed into the small area where the table was. Nick came over with two glasses of wine and sat down across from me, listening intently.

"They definitely should pay you double, Harry. Seriously, you work your ass off at that bakery." He commented, taking a sip of his wine.

"Yeah, I know...but, you know, I kinda like it? It's weird...anyway ... this wasn't even the worst part of the day." Nick raised his eyebrows at me.

"What was it then?"

"You remember I told you that Liam has a brother, right?" Nick nodded, and I continued. "His name is Louis and we can't stand each other, like at all. And he came into the bakery today."

"And?" Nick prompted as I shoved food in my mouth, almost moaning at how good it was. I swallowed and continued.

"And apparently I outed my non-existent-sex life..." I bit my lip, looking at the floor. Nick and I were good friends, sure, but I hated talking about my personal self, especially my sex life and things like that.

"You guys were talking about your sex life while selling bread? That's not your usual conversation with customers, is it?" he asked with a smirk, trying to get a smile out of me.

"Oh shut it, Nick. It was just a stupid comment from Lou-"

My phone started buzzing on the table and Liam's face light up on the screen. I held up my finger to Nick and picked up.

"Hello?"

"Harry, you don't have any plans for tonight, do you? I heard about this sick new movie and I wanted to go to it. You're in, aren't you?"

"Um...actually, I planned on spending the evening with Nick. We haven't talked in a while..." I began, but Liam talked over me.

"You haven't seen me in A YEAR! C'mon Haz...I don't wanna go alone," Liam fake-sniffed on the other end and I sighed. He was making this very complicated.

"I know, bu-"

"No excuses. You can bring him, if he want to come."

"Yeah, yeah, okay, hold on." I covered the speaker of my phone with my hand and looked up at Nick, who was watching me questioningly.

"Hey Nick, do you fancy going to the cinema? Liam wants to hang out and asked if you wanna come as well," I asked, and he thought for a second before nodding.

"Sure, why not. Haven't been to the movies in ages."

I nodded and took my hand off the speaker, speaking to Liam again. "Okay, we're in."

____________

Two hours later, Nick and I ran into the cinema, trying to get out of the pouring rain. Liam had just texted me five minutes ago that he was inside waiting, and we had sprinted for it, having been waiting in the car and praying that the rain would stop. We hurried in, took our hoods down, and shook out our hair, looking around. Nick suddenly grabbed my arm.

"You didn't tell me Liam's brother was so hot..." Nick whispered to me, and I looked at him, confused.

"Louis? How do you know what Louis looks like? Why even mention him?"

"Isn't that his brother over there, standing next to him?"

I whipped my head around, spotting them immediately. Liam did not....Didn't Liam say he'd have had to go alone if we didn't come? Oh, I was definitely gonna kill him for this one, 100%. My mood went down with every second I had to spend with Louis.

"I definitely gonna kill him, Nick." I said, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to Liam and Louis.

"Liam, my best friend and _Lewis_ , my worst nightmare, nice to see you," I said sarcastically. Louis scoffed scornfully while Liam pulled me into a tight hug.

"Sorry, Haz. But I knew you wouldn't come if you knew that Louis was coming too, and I really wanted to see it with you," he whispered in my ear.

"You definitely owe me," I whispered back, shooting Louis a glare over Liam's shoulder.

"Liam, Louis, this is Nick. Nick, this is my best friend, Liam, and his brother, Louis."

"Nice to meet you finally," Liam said, pulling a surprised Nick into a hug.

"Yeah, nice to meet you. I'm Louis," Louis announced, shaking Nick's hand. What the fuck? Was Louis actually being nice to Nick? Guess I was the only one that got treated like dirt. Fucking wonderful.

"We're just waiting for Zayn and then we can go in," Liam said offhandedly, and I turned to him in confusion.

"Who's Zayn?" I asked in curiosity, not quite sure I had ever heard the name before.

"He's Lou's best friend. Haven't met him before, but Louis says he's pretty alright. Louis asked him to join us as well. We thought it would be more fun with more people."

Could this get any worse? Was he fucking serious? I mean, I thought I'd have to deal with Louis, and that I could handle, but now I was forced to spend time with his best mate too? I was sure people like Louis couldn't have nice friends, there was no possible way. Who would want to spent time with someone like him voluntarily?

"Zayn, mate!" Louis exclaimed, waving his hand like a maniac and actually looking happy for once in his life. "We're over here!"

A raven haired boy came towards us. Well, damn, he was beautiful. His hair was quiffed in just the right way and the tips were a bit lighter than the rest. His skin was beautifully tanned, making me think he must have been of another nationality, and his face looked structured by the gods. No one that I had ever laid eyes on looked as perfect as this guy did.

"Hey, guys. In case it wasn't obvious already, I'm Zayn," Zayn introduced himself, and we all nodded, Louis stepping forward to do introductions.

"This is my little brother, Liam," Louis announced putting a casual arm around Liam, who looked like he'd seen a ghost.

"H-Hi. I -I'm Liam." Liam stuttered out, offering his hand to Zayn, who shook it happily. What the fuck was wrong with Liam?

"Nice to meet you! I heard a lot about you!" Zayn beamed, and Liam's whole face flushed a dark red.

"Same goes for you," Liam bit his lip, looking at the ground. I looked over at Nick, who was just smirking and then all of a sudden I realized what was going on. Liam already had a crush on this guy. Oh, Jesus. This was definitely going to be interesting.

"And this over there is Harry, Liam's best friend, and the other one here is Nick. He is living with Harry," Louis continued, and my eyebrows shot up. Louis hadn't sounded pained to say my name, and he had actually called me Harry for once instead of Harold.

"Nice to meet all of you! You look like a cute couple," Zayn smiled, looking at me and Nick.

"Couple? Who? Me and Nick? Oh lord. Never. I mean..." I blushed, feeling bad and like I was degrading Nick in some way. "I love Nick, but just as a friend, you know." Zayn looked taken aback at this information. This was so fucking awkward. 

"Yeah...sadly, this fit little lad rejected me a few times," Nick pouted.

"That isn't even true, you wanker!" I protested, pushing Nick playfully.

Nick just laughed and leaned into me even more, being an obnoxious little shit.

"Oh, sorry I just assumed. Embarrassing, that. Um.. let's go in then, shall we?" Zayn suggested, an apologetic smile on his face. Okay, now I was really confused. How could someone so nice be Louis best friend? Zayn seemed like an genuine, funny guy, which I did not see Louis hanging out with at all. This had to be some kind of joke. We walked in and crowded into a row, and just my fucking luck, I was stuck next to Louis. He looked just as mad about it as I was, but he just huffed and sat down, folding his arms across his chest. I ignored him as best I could and focused on the screen as the previews started rolling.

Everything was fine until the movie started. Zayn was sharing the food he had sneaked in with Liam, who looked much too happy about that, and Nick was focused on a guy about three rows in front of us. I cringed, knowing what would probably happen later. I was just about to go for a wee to get away for a bit when I felt something nudge my shoulder. I glanced to my right and almost had a heart attack. Louis had stretched out, and, seemingly without realizing it (or maybe he had and was doing it on purpose, I wasn't sure), had put an arm around my shoulders. His fingertips barely grazed my shoulder, and I got this weird, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I shoved his arm away quickly and he looked over at me, half annoyed and half cocky.

"What did you do that for, Harold? I was comfortable. You're very warm, you know that?" He commented in an undertone, but I ignored him and focused on the screen. I was not about to deal with this shit, especially not in a dark cinema.

Nothing else happened for the rest of the movie. Glancing around the few times that I did, I could see Nick staring lazily at the screen, his lip between his teeth, and I could only assume what he was thinking, which was not good. Zayn and Liam were sitting comfortably close, for two people who had only just met, but it seemed to be only friendly, and Liam was happy. I would let him have this moment, but I was really going to have to talk to him later about it. Louis, however, was not paying attention to the movie at all. He was staring at me. I tried not to let him know that I had seen him, but he wasn't exactly trying to hide it either. I swallowed hard and stood up, intending to head for the toilet, but really, I just needed to get out of there.

Out in the hallway, I leaned against the wall and took a few deep breaths. Sitting in there with so much unwanted tension was really starting to get to me.

"Harold, what are you doing? You're gonna miss the best part, love," A voice right in my ear made me jump and spin around, finding Louis standing there. For once, he didn't look sarcastic or mad. He actually looked curious, like he actually cared about my well being, but I knew that that couldn't possibly be the case. He poked my side and I squirmed away.

"Why are you ignoring me, Harold?"

"For fuck's sake, Louis! Why do you have to be like that?" When Louis looked at me innocently, but with that stupid twinkle in his eye, I completely lost it. "Why do you have to treat me like shit all the fucking time? I hate that you can be kind to everyone you meet, but with me, it's like you hate me or something. And you keep calling me Harold! You _know_ my name is Harry, so why the hell do you insist on driving me insane? Why is it like this..." I choked on the next part of my sentence, not realizing what my words were leading to, but it was too late to turn back on the sentence, and the words came spilling out anyway. "Why can't it be like before?"

Louis was frozen to the spot, staring at me. The smirk had slipped from his face and now he just looked shocked. His eyes weren't even mischievous this time. They looked...dare I say it...sad.

"You know why it can't be that way anymore, Hazza," he mumbled, letting the old nickname slip past his lips. He looked ashamed with himself at that and stared pointedly at the ground. For some reason, my mouth decided to not listen to my brain, and more words came spilling out.

"But it was so much better...we were good. We really were...what changed, Lou?"

Louis' head snapped up at that, and I knew why. My voice had taken on the quality that it used to...where it was a bit higher pitched and soft, the voice that had always gotten Louis to calm down and actually talk to me. I didn't mean to do it, but it just kinda happened. Guess that's what long exposure and time spent with Louis did to me. I wasn't supposed to use that voice on him, not anymore.

"Don't speak to me like that. Those days are in the past. Get the fuck over it, why don't you?" Louis snapped, and I wanted to cower away from him, like I used to when he was angry. But I had grown up a lot since then, and I wasn't about to let him have that kind of power over me.

"I don't think it's me who has to get over it." I said quietly, and that's when he lost it. He came straight up to me and gripped the front of my shirt in his fist.

"What the fuck are you trying to say?" He growled, but before I could answer, people were coming out of the cinema, and first out were Zayn, Nick, and Liam, all looking panic-stricken. Louis released me immediately and pulled a smirk onto his face. He winked at me and popped his mouth, and I gaped at him. I knew that kind of sign language, and obviously so did Nick, because he stared at me in wonder.

"There you are! We were wondering where the hell you went. You missed the best part!" Liam said, looking put out.

"Yeah, it was insane, Lou, really wish you could have seen-"

"Let's just go...I'm not feeling all that well," Louis said, and they all looked suddenly worried. I rolled my eyes and folded my arms, already heading out. Liam ran up after me and caught my arm. I just looked him in the eye and shook my head. Liam didn't know anything about it, only that Louis and I hated each other, and I wanted to keep it that way at all costs. No one said another word about it and we drove back to Liam's house in silence.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3 - Projects and Insecurities

_Li: Please, Haz, I really need your help..._

_H: Li, I don't know..._

_Li: Come on, I doubt he will even come out of his room. You're a year ahead, you know how to do this stuff. I'm clueless..._

_H: I know you're making that puppy dog face...it's not gonna work._

_Li: *Sent You A Photo* How about now?_

_H: Fuck you...but fine. I'll be over in fifteen minutes._

_Li: Stay for dinner as well..._

_H: Umm, I don't know, I really shouldn't...Nick is supposed to be making casserole..._

_Li: Don't worry, I've talked to him already, he says it's fine. see ya soon, man. You the best._

 

I closed my phone and sighed, running a hand through my hair. It had been almost two weeks since the whole movie fiasco, and there was no way in hell that I had any desire to be within ten feet of Louis fucking Tomlinson. That boy just rubbed me the wrong way and it was quite clear to me that, if he wanted anything from me, it was either money or sex. He was a pretty horny bastard and I wouldn't expect any less, and there was no way I was falling into that trap. I wasn't stupid.

Anyway, because of Uni and late shifts at the bakery, I hadn't seen Liam hardly at all, which sucked, but it also meant that I didn't have to see Louis, so it was a win/lose situation. But now Liam needed help on a project, and as much as I didn't want to risk running into Louis at his house, I missed my best friend and needed to do something that wasn't work or school.

And that's how I found myself grabbing a jacket, calling a hurried goodbye to Nick, who was busy on the couch with his fuck buddy of the week (thank god they both still had clothes on, at least they had some amount of dignity), and heading for the bus stop in the rain. It was the fifth day straight of rain and I was starting to get annoyed. We normally had a few days of rain at a time, but never this much, and I was missing the sun a bit. I liked to go on runs, but in this weather, it was almost impossible, unless I wanted to get sick, which really wasn't an option. But it drove me crazy that I couldn't get a daily run in.

I stepped onto the overcrowded bus and stood in the aisle, holding on tight to the railing, and lurching only slightly as the bus started moving again, heading up the hill to where I knew Liam...and Louis...lived. It was only a ten minute drive, but by the time I had sprinted to the elevator and gotten up to their door, it had taken an extra five minutes.

The bus emptied around me until it was just me an an old guy, who was presumably getting off at the same stop I was. I gave him a very small nod as the driver pulled up in front of the apartment complex where Liam was waiting for me. Thanking the bus driver and paying him, I hopped off and ran to the stairs, getting out of the rain as quickly as I could. I trudged up the steps and panted for a few moments before knocking on the door. I tapped my foot while waiting, my coat dripping water around my feet. I heard the lock click and I lifted my head, only to be met with blue eyes instead of brown...Louis had answered the door.

We both stood there, staring at each other for a brief moment, before Louis' familiar smirk settled on his face and he pushed one hip out, looking me up and down.

"Well, well, look who it is. Looking mighty fine today, Harold, I must say."

"Can you get out of the way, please?" I said stiffly, trying to push past him, but he wasn't budging. He would have said more, I'm sure of it, but Liam called for him, and he turned around with a sigh, allowing me to slip past him into the house.

"Haz, mate! Glad you could make it! We will just be working out here in the main room if that's alright with you." I nodded, smiling at my best friend and doing my best to ignore Louis, who was following me like a very annoying shadow.

"Just so you two know, Zayn will be here any minute, and we will be playing FIFA in my room." Louis said offhandedly when he realized that I wasn't going to pay him any attention. Liam, on the other hand, turned scarlet at the mention of Zayn. I raised my eyebrows, but Liam waited pointedly until Louis was safely in his room before saying anything more.

"Fuck, Harry, I can't even help it this time. Zayn is fucking fit, and really nice to me as well. Treats me like an actual person instead of 'Louis' younger brother', and that really means a lot to me and he's got the nicest smile and those eyelashes, damn, and his fucking body, I swear..."

"Li, mate, you need to just calm down. Project, remember?" I prompted, trying to get him back on track, but he just kept babbling about Zayn. Unwillingly, my thoughts drifted to Louis, and at once a perfect image popped into my head...a boy with a sweeping fringe, a little bit of chub on his tummy, and brightly colored pants paired with suspenders and striped t-shirts. I shook myself mentally, clenching my fist so hard that my nails bit into my palm, causing a small gasp to escape my lips. I was not allowed to think of that. Liam didn't question it, mostly because he was still in a haze about Zayn, and for that I was equally grateful and annoyed. I threw a pencil at his head and he snapped back to reality, looking sheepish and just pulling out his papers in silence, showing me what he had to do.

We were so focused on the project that we didn't even hear the knock on the door, or Louis' excited cheer as he hurried to answer it. It was only once someone greeted Liam that we both looked up.

"Hey, Liam. How's it going?" Zayn asked, and I had to admit, everything Liam had mentioned about Zayn was perfectly true. He was extremely attractive, and he did have a nice voice. But I wasn't nearly as fascinated as Liam, who took about ten seconds to actually respond to Zayn, sounding a bit drunk as he did so.

"Hey, Z. Good to see ya again." He managed finally, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from chuckling. I kept my eyes focused on the floor, not looking at Louis, who's joggers were riding dangerously low on his hips, his shirt rucked up so that a sliver of tan skin was just visible between the two.

"Hey, it's Harry, right?" Zayn continued, addressing me this time, and I looked up, managing a small smile.

"Good to see you, Zayn." I replied as cheerfully as I could, my eyes reluctantly sliding over onto Louis. He knew exactly what was going through my mind, because he smirked, and as he lead Zayn away, swayed his hips a bit more than was necessary. I felt a lump rise in my throat and I swallowed hard, trying to rid myself of it. I could not be thinking like this. Not now, not ever. That was in the past, all of it.

We continued working on Liam's project, talking occasionally, and in all honesty, it felt nice to just sit there with my best friend, working on projects like we had always done in secondary school. It was almost like going back in time, back to when things were so much easier and much less stressful.

________________

About an hour later, Zayn and Louis emerged from Louis' room, throwing themselves on the couch in the room where we were working on the floor.

"M'hungry, Li. What do you want for dinner?" Louis asked lazily, flipping on the telly in the hopes of something interesting to watch.

"I could go for pizza, yeah?" Zayn suggested, and Louis nodded happily. I, on the other hand, blanched. I definitely wasn't in mood for pizza. To be honest, my eating habits depended on my daily mood. Not long ago I had massive issues with eating, starving a lot because I couldn't stand myself. Nick had helped me in the past to get better, but there were still days that were worse than others. And today was definitely one of those days. Liam looked over at me for approval, knowing about my issues with food, and I shook my head.

"Umm...I'm not really up for pizza, sorry," I mumbled, wanting to explain myself, but that was clearly the wrong way to go about it. Louis huffed.

"Well, it isn't all about you, Harold, is it? Besides, eating one slice of pizza won't kill you." When I continued to stare at the floor, he continued in a mock concerned voice, "What? You think it will make you fat or something?"

"Louis, stop. If he doesn't want any, then we can order something else," Liam interrupted, throwing me a quick apologetic look. I felt horrible though, so I just said in a quiet voice,

"No, if you guys want it, that's fine. Go for it. I'll grab a bite on my way home after everything is done. No big deal."

"You sure, Haz? We can order something else," Liam offered, and Zayn nodded, sitting up. I guess he noticed how uncomfortable I was as well. Well, great.  

"Seriously, we can get like...Japanese or something, if you-" Zayn began, but I cut him off, perhaps more harshly than I meant to.

"Just order it. It's really okay, I promise," I repeated, chewing on my lip at the thought of having to eat pizza. It made me a tad bit nauseous.

Zayn looked taken aback, but nodded, and Liam looked ready to comfort me, but I gave my head the smallest of shakes. I didn't need Louis knowing about my insecurities, it would just make for something more for him to pick on me about. Especially after he mentioned if I had gained weight the first time we saw each other after that long. 

"It's settled then...I'll go make the call," Louis said, ignoring me completely, and getting up, cracking his back before heading into the kitchen. Liam and Zayn both got up to follow him, and I just stayed where I was, keeping my eyes on the wall ahead of me and blinking rapidly so as not to get upset. So what, I had body image issues...it's not like I wanted to have them...besides, it was all Louis' fault anyway.

I could hear discussion coming from the kitchen, and Liam came back out, looking put out. He sat down next to me and placed a careful hand on my knee.

"Sorry about him...he can be a right dick sometimes...but he didn't know...you can't really blame him."

"It's no matter. Don't want to talk about it." I mumbled, picking at a spot on the arm of the chair. Liam looked at me sympathetically but didn't say another word about it, instead deciding to search Netflix for a movie to watch.

Zayn and Louis came back moments later, Zayn looking pleasantly surprised and Louis having no expression at all. I curled tighter into my chair, focusing on the screen, which was now playing some cheesy rom-com. I didn't mind them, and I knew that Louis secretly loved them, so it was a good choice all around. Liam had settled with his back to the couch, and I watched with a sideways glance as Zayn's hand slowly slid into Liam's hair, just playing with it casually. Louis didn't notice, but I couldn't miss the look of pure happiness on my best friend's face. It was hard to miss, considering he was grinning from ear to ear and his cheeks were red as tomatoes, but that was beside the point.

The doorbell rang and we paused the movie, Liam and Zayn going into the kitchen to get plates and Louis going to answer the door. Once again, I stayed in the den, just standing up to stretch and grab a blanket from the couch. I could hear plates clattering in the kitchen and then the door swung open. I didn't look up until I noticed a figure standing in front of me, and it definitely wasn't Liam. I looked up and saw Louis standing there, looking sheepish and holding a salad in his hands.

"I ordered you some salad. Thought you might like it more than pizza, and it's the only other thing the shop offers...sorry." He shoved it into my hands and went back into the kitchen. I just stared at the plastic bowl of salad in my hands, completely in shock. Had Louis Tomlinson just done something...nice for me? And of his own will too? What the hell was happening to the world?


	4. Chapter 4 - Don't Touch Me

Completely perplexed because of what Louis had just done, I stood slowly and walked into the kitchen with my salad in my hands.

"Come here, Haz. You can sit next to me," Liam smiled at me encouragingly as he tapped on the only free chair next to him. I walked over and sat down hesitantly. Were they all staring at me? Fuck. What did Liam tell them?

"Let's start eating then. I'm starving over here," Zayn exclaimed, and somehow I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he regretted his words the moment he said them. This was definitely awkward. They were all digging into their pizza with almost indecency, and it took me a bit before I lifted some salad to my mouth to take a bite.

To my surprise, dinner went by without any bigger events, beside the hundreds of exchanged smiles and giggles between Liam and Zayn. If it wasn't so adorable, it'd be disgusting, most definitely. Louis refused to look up from his plate, and I didn't try to make eye contact at all. It was clear that they all knew something that I didn't and there was no way in hell that I was going to ask them about it.

After cleaning the dishes, we all went back to the living room to watch a movie. The gods must have been smiling down on me because I didn't have to sit next to Louis this time. He sat down in the chair right across from the couch where Liam, Zayn and I were settled. For the next ten minutes, Liam was leaning against my shoulder. I didn't think much about it, because it is how we used to watch movies. It had always been like this. Liam and I just loved to cuddle with each other - as friends, nothing more, but sometimes it just felt good to be close to someone who cared about you, even if it wasn't romantic. After a while, however, I felt a pair of dark eyes staring at me, and I slowly caught Zayn's eye. Fucking Zayn, I had almost forgotten about him. I gave him an apologetic look and tried to make it look less awkward, but that was basically impossible.

"I think loverboy over there is getting jealous, Li," I whispered as quietly as possible into Liam's ear, giving him a small nudge.

"Loverboy? Jealous? What are you talking about, Harry?" Liam said, not bothering to keep his voice down and speaking at a normal volume. I groaned as I hid my face in my hands. Jesus - Liam was so stupid sometimes.

Louis let out a loud chuckle, and Zayn obviously knew what was going on because his cheeks colored and he looked at Liam sheepishly, biting his lip. I felt Liam stiffen next to me, and now I was blushing...god damn it, what was I supposed to do now?

"Oh Harry, I totally forgot to show you the new CD I got the other day. Come on, I'll let you have a listen now. Otherwise we'll forget it again!" Louis exclaimed, standing up and pulling me to my feet roughly by the arm. I gave him a very confused look, because not only was he touching me voluntarily, but he was acting like we were friends, which was most definitely not the case.

"What are you even talking about?" I looked at him questioningly. Louis pointed inconspiciously to Liam and Zayn, who were both still bright red and too busy being embarrassed to notice that there were still two people in the room.

"Oh, right. That CD...yeah..." I played along, even though I knew that, if we left them together, that I would have to spend time with Louis... _alone._ But it was either that or ruin Liam's chance with Zayn, so I allowed Louis to pull me down the hallway without protesting. Louis pulled me to a room I had never been in before and closed the door behind him. Now it was just him and me, both of us standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. It took me a few seconds to realize it wasn't just another simple room - it was his room. I couldn't be in Louis' room, not with him, not alone. I couldn't do it. Panic shot through my whole body and everything felt tense. Louis must have noticed, because he went to reach for my arm again, this time seeming to be gentle. I pulled away from his advances, taking a step back.

"D-Don't," I stuttered, cursing myself for not being able to talk like a normal person.

"You really don't wanna be in here, do you?" Louis asked, a strange tone to his voice. Was he offended? Sad? I really couldn't tell, so I just shook my head, answering his question.

"Oh love, what am I going to do with you?" he mumbled to himself, walking away from me and towards the bed. Now his tone was almost caring. Did Louis actually care for me?

_No, Harry. He doesn't...he never did..._

_But he bought you that salad, he must have cared a little bit,_ the other part of my brain argued.

"Come on," Louis said, grabbing a blanket from his bed and turned towards the door. "I think I know a place that you will like a lot more." I hesitated for a moment but decided that any place would be better than Louis' room. We tiptoed through the living room, where we could make out Zayn and Liam sitting quite close to each other on the couch. Mine and Louis' eyes met and we both had that 'aww' look on our faces, but we had to get out of there before we witnessed more than we wanted.

"This way, Harry, c'mon," Louis whispered, tugging lightly on my sleeve and leading the way.

"Louis, where are we go-" I didn't even have a chance to finish my sentence because he lead me through a door right out into darkness. I had always hated the dark, and still did, and Louis must have remembered, because his hand slipped into mine, guiding me as he fumbled for something on the wall opposite. He flipped a switch and thousands of tiny lights came on above our heads.

"Oh my god," I mumbled in awe. We were standing on the most beautiful roof garden I've ever seen.

"I knew you'd love it," Louis beamed, letting my hand go and looking around the place fondly. At this moment I wasn't sure what was more beautiful: this amazing roof garden with all its little spaces of grass, flowers and chains of light, or Louis' true smile, something I hadn't seen for years.

We walked over to the far side to a small little bench, and Louis took a seat, putting the folded blanket on the table next to us. I sat down next to him, still looking around in amazement.

"Pretty embarrassing, huh?" he said with a chuckle, but I wasn't paying attention.

"What?"

"Liam and Zayn. They are so cute, it's almost disgusting."

I chuckled at that, agreeing completely, and Louis kept talking.

"You should hear Zayn. He talks about Liam all the time. He always asks me if Liam is gonna be home when I invite him over...freaking smitten, that boy," He shook his head, giggling like he used to when we were younger, and my heart swelled at the happy memory.

"Oh, you should definitely hear your brother. 'Zayn is so fit. He's the cutest human being on earth. Do you think he likes me back? Zayn did this, Zayn did that.' And they've only known each other for what, a week?" We both started laughing loudly, and against my will, I snorted while laughing. That only made Louis laugh harder, and my hands flew up to cover my mouth in complete embarrassment. Great, Styles...now he'll be making fun of you. I felt tears in my eyes, but I was not going to cry in front of Louis, not for anything. I bit my lip, trying to control my emotions. I didn't want Louis to notice how much every single word he said affected me. How could I even begin to explain it to him when I didn't even know myself? He always had this power over me, in both a positive and a negative way. In seconds he could change my mood and make me feel good or, like most of the time, make me feel worthless. I turned my face away from him to look out into the darkness, hoping for a distraction, but there were only a few stars visible to me.

"Hey," Louis whispered, his voice making me jump. "What's wrong, Haz?"

I didn't reply. I didn't trust myself to speak, for fear that I would lose it and cry. Louis sighed and then spoke again. "I didn't mean to make fun of you. I - I just think it's really cute when you do things like that...means you're letting go, just being yourself."

"Ha ha, very funny." I scoffed sarcastically, my voice breaking a little bit.

"I mean it. I always loved your laugh." He insisted.

Yeah sure. He loved things like that. I was pretty sure Louis never loved one thing about me, be it my laugh or anything else for that matter. I remember the day so well, the day he made fun of me front of his entire year. He made fun of Liam's little annoying friend, who was a pain in the ass and never ever wanted to date him, because of his non-existent bum and this curly mess on his head, and it didn't stop there. No, his brother's best friend with the baby fat who wasn't good enough for him. I remember all the pain he made me feel. I remember how my mom screamed at me in the evening because I had taken scissors to my hair and cut off all of my curls. And now he was sitting here telling me he always loved my laugh?

"Stop saying things like that," I growled quietly. I didn't want to hear him say those things, not because it didn't feel nice to hear them from him, but because I didn't want them fueling the feelings that were already starting to reemerge.

"It's the truth, Harry." I felt his hand on my shoulder and my body tensed up immediately. I know he noticed it too, but he only tightened the grip on my shoulder. I turned to face him in the hopes of getting him to move his hand, but it didn't work, and now I was stuck facing him and his stupid blue eyes, which were looking at me sadly.

"Harry...why didn't you want to eat Pizza with us?"

What the fuck? Why did he have to bring up this topic now? I felt more tears welling up in my eyes. This wasn't happening. I couldn't believe this was happening right now. I sucked in a deep breath and looked away from Louis, but the moment he spoke again, my gaze went back to him, almost like a magnet.

"Is it true?" he paused, thinking. "I mean...Liam said that you...I mean...why don't you like your body, Harry? Why do you treat yourself like that? I'm the last one to tell you that you're wrong or right, but you don't have to do stupid stuff like that. You have a great body. Don't ever let anyone else tell you different," He gave me a worried look and I swallowed hard, not wanting to look at him. Was he even serious? Why was he saying that, when he himself was the reason why I struggled with myself for all these years and even two weeks ago he had made fun of me. He was the reason why I tried every stupid diet on the planet. He was the reason why I went for a run nearly 5 times a week. And now he was trying to tell me that I have to love myself the way I was?

I rolled my eyes, tears threatening to spill out. Why did this have to happen now?

"Harry, look at me." I didn't move. If I looked at him, I would cry, and I was not giving him the satisfaction. "Hazza, please. Say something?" When I still didn't respond, he picked up the blanket and started to unfold it. "At least take the blanket, okay? It's getting really cold and you seem to be freezing. We can share it."

__________

_"Take the blanket. You seem cold, Hazza. We can share it," Louis giggled, pulling me closer to him. He smelled so good. I buried my face in his neck, smiling._

_"Yeah, or we could just snuggle up more closely," I commented, and he let out a laugh. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled myself even closer, looking up at him through my curls._

_"Promise you won't ever let me go, Lou."_

_His hand tangled in my curls, stroking my hair softly._ _"I promise, love," he said, pressing a light kiss to the top of my head. I crawled into his lap and looked straight into his beautiful blue eyes. I could look at them for the rest of my life. They weren't just a normal blue. They were such an extraordinary color, I was sure I hadn't seen any like them before._

_Louis brushed a curl out of my face and placed his hand on the side of my head, his fingers half buried in my hair. He was pushing my head gently towards his, and my eyes were staring at those beautiful lips._

_"I wanna kiss you so bad, Harry," he whispered, his words ghosting across my lips. He was so close, and I wanted it._

_"D-Do it."_

_"Are you sure?" he asked, pulling back a bit to see my whole face, and_ _I nodded. He smiled and leaned in the rest of the way, connecting his lips with mine in a soft kiss. His lips were much softer than I imagined, but holy fuck, did they feel amazing. They seemed to fit right with mine, like puzzle pieces, and I couldn't get enough of them. They just felt so good._

_I felt his hand wandering down my back and I shivered, which made Louis stop for a second. I kissed him even harder to let him know that I was fine. He smiled against my lips, kissing me back with more force than before._ _I felt his fingers tugging the hem of my shirt, and almost instinctively, I lifted my arms so he could pull the shirt over my head._

_"You're so beautiful, Harry," Louis breathed, taking in the sight before him. I blushed, trying to hide my naked chest from him. I was rarely shirtless in front of anyone._

_"Hey don't hide," he whispered in my ear, and I slowly unfolded my arms._

_"I don't have the best body, I know. Lots of fat and things..." I mumbled, and Louis shook his head furiously, kissing all over my face and then dipping lower to my collarbones and my stomach, just leaving trails of light kisses._

_"You are beautiful, Harry. Be proud of yourself, because I'm proud of you."_

_"Oh...okay..." I gasped as his hands rested on my hips, gently rubbing circles into them as his lips searched for mine again. I slotted our lips together, nibbling on his bottom lip. He opened his mouth at once, and I felt his tongue touch mine. It sent a shock of energy through me, and I eagerly kissed him, our tongues swirling around each other._

_"Sleep with me, Louis," I mumbled against his lips, immediately blushing. Where the fuck had that come from??_

_"Harry..." Louis said softly, grabbing my shoulders and pushing me away gently so he could look me in the eyes. "You know that I'd love to...you know...do that...with you..."_

_"But?" I looked at him questioningly, waiting for him to continue._

_"I want it to be special for you...me...us." He bit his lip, looking nervous._

_"It IS special as long it is with you, Louis. As long as it is just you and me, isn't it?"_

_"That's not what I mean, baby. I just don't want to rush things, you know?"_

_I looked down, feeling a mix of disappointment and rejection, even though I had never intended to say those words at all._

_Louis cupped my face in his hands and made me look in his eyes._

_"I never want to do it with anyone else but you, love. Just not now, okay? You mean far too much to me. I don't want to look back and tell that what I did was wrong...I've never gone that far with anyone before and I just...want it to be perfect."_

_"I know...I just thought-"_

_"You think way too much, baby. Now come here and cuddle with me and never let me go again," He smiled, pulling me closer again. I was sure he felt my smile against his chest, because his chest shook with slight laughter as he dropped more kisses into my curls. This moment I was sure I'd never let him go again._

________________

I suddenly snapped back to the present, Louis looking at me with the blanket in his hand. I took a shaking breath and stuttered out, "W-What?"

"I said it's getting cold and we can share the blanket, if you don't mind," Louis said encouragingly, and for some reason, that hit a nerve, and I snapped.

"WHY THE HELL SHOULD I WANT TO SHARE A BLANKET WITH YOU?" I almost screamed, feeling uncontrollable anger coursing through me at that moment and being completely unsure where it came from. "Tell me, Louis. Why on earth should I choose you of all people to share anything with?" I was trying to blink away all those tears that were welling up my eyes, but it wasn't working out too well. The memories were too painful. Why had he done this to me? Only a day after that lovely cuddling session, I had heard him at school, talking about how much he hated me and my body and everything about me. He had lied to me that whole time, and deep within, I always knew why. I wasn't good enough for him. I always told him that, but he reassured me each time that it wasn't true, that is, until the moment he had seen me topless. I was so fucking stupid. He never cared for me. Why should he now? It was him who had teased me about my weight at our first meeting, it was him hating on me all over again. _Nothing_ had changed. _Nothing._

I was pretty sure he just wanted to take me to bed to prove all this stupid friends that he's still the king. He'd be like: 'Look, he even had sex with me just because I wanted to. Look how pathetic he is.'

This was too much. I felt the tears streaming down my face, because there was no controlling the pain that was filling me.

"Harry? W-What's wrong?" Louis looked horrified and confused, and he reached out to comfort me, but I couldn't...

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!" I yelled, backing away and almost falling. I had to leave, right now. I jumped up and ran to the door, and pounded on the elevator button, pushing past the doors when it reached the lobby and running out onto the street and into the night.


	5. Chapter 5 - Cuddle With Me

_13 missed calls, 11 unread messages_ from Liam.

I took my phone and threw it straight at the wall, tears spilling over onto my cheeks as I started to cry again. My head fell down into my arms on the kitchen table, my whole body shaking.  I just couldn't stop crying. It hurt so much. All the pain from 5 years ago was back and it felt so fresh, so real. Louis had been the one, I had known that from day one, but he hurt me in the worst way and I couldn't forgive that. How could I have thought that he would have changed after all these years? He hated me, hated every part of me, and all he did was lie to me, make me feel like I was worth something, and then throw me under the bus. My chest was heaving as I tried to breathe properly, but no matter what I did, the tears kept coming as fresh waves of pain hit me. I hated Louis and I hated myself for trusting him.

"Harry, is it you? What was that loud noi-" Nick shouted from the hallway, but the moment he stepped into the kitchen and got a good look at me, his voice changed completely into a tone of extreme concern. "Oh my god, Harry. Love, what's wrong?" I could hear his feet padding across the floor as he ran over to me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up. I just shook my head furiously, sucking in choppy breaths.

"Harry...what happened? Did something happen to your mum? Gemma? Robin?"

I couldn't answer him, not even if I had wanted to. I continued to shake my head, not knowing what else to do. I felt Nick kneel down next to me, his fingers brushing my curls off my exposed forehead gently, trying to soothe me.

"Shh...love. Shh, just talk to me..." He whispered, and that was the moment that I completely lost it. I threw myself into Nick's arms and positively sobbed onto his shoulder, clutching onto him as though my life depended on it. The best thing about Nick was that he knew when it was better to stay quiet. He didn't say a word, didn't question me any further, and just sat there with me in his arms on the floor, rocking me back and forth carefully and rubbing my back. He knew just how to calm me down, which was another nice thing about him. He continued to hold me until I had finally calmed down and stopped crying. 

"I'm s-sorry," I mumbled, keeping my eyes down and biting my lip in embarrassment. Nick wasn't supposed to see me like this...I wasn't even supposed to be upset...it was all Louis' fault.

"It's fine, love. Do you wanna talk about it?  he brushed away the last tears on my cheeks, making me look up at him. "You don't have to. But if you wanna get some things off your chest, I'll be here."

"Nah...it's fine. Just had a little break down," I said, trying to convince myself as well as him. The sad part about this was that it wasn't even a lie. I was an emotional person and sometimes cried over stupid things, but Nick knew that. This time had just been a little bit worse. Nick ran a hand through my hair before placing me on the floor and standing up, heading into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He came back and placed the cup on the table, and I dragged myself off the floor to cradle it in my hands, just craving the warmth. Nick walked across the room and picked up my phone, checking over it for damage. 

"Lucky for you, it isn't broken. But next time threw something less expensive, okay?" he said, placing my phone on the table in front of me. I looked up at him quickly and then back down at the table.

"T-Thanks."

"You're welcome." He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, giving me a small little smile. 

"Not only for the tea...I meant, you know, because...before...I'm sorry..." I stuttered, clutching the tea tighter in my hands.

"Listen Harry, I'm your friend and everyone has bad days,  _even me,_ " he responded, sitting across from me and smirking as though remembering his bad days in a much more fond way then I did mine.

"You? Bad days? I can't believe it. You mean days you run out of condoms?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, somehow that manages to happen. Not sure how, though, I try to stay regularly stocked..." I knew he was trying to make me laugh, but I just couldn't. My chest was still hurting and I felt exhausted from all of my crying. 

"M' a bit tired...gonna go to bed...is that okay?" I asked, and Nick looked at me like I was crazy.

"Of course it's okay! I'm not here to tell you what to do, Harry. Besides, I think sleep might help," He responded, standing up with me.

"Night then," I grabbed my phone, still holding the tea, and walked right past him without another word. I collapsed onto my bed after I had closed the door and groaned as my phone buzzed for the thousandth time that night. After sipping a bit of tea, I opened the messages from Liam. 

_L: Harry where are you and Louis?_

_L: Are you making out?_

_L: hahahah_

_L: Oh god. Don't tell me you're really making out?!_

_L: HAROLD?_

_L: Okay. There are pics in my head that shouldn't be there. Gross._

_L: Harry? Where are you? Louis just came back and when I asked where you are he just said he doesn't know?_

_L: Answer your phone, Haz!_

_L: Hazza? I'm worried..._

_L: Are you okay?_

_L: If you don't text me within the next 15 minutes I'll come over!!!!!!!_

I checked the time. 11 minutes since his last message. I quickly messaged him back.

_H: I'm fine._

_L: HAROLD TF! WHERE ARE YOU???_

_H: I'm home. I got tired and I didn't wanna interrupt your little cuddling-session with Zayn. And when I got home I fell asleep. I'm sorry. x_

_L: Jesus, Harry. I was so worried!_

_H: Sorry..._

_L: It's fine._

_L: I have to tell you so much about Zayn and me! He's still here. I'll call you tomorrow! Love you, boo.X_

I rolled my eyes. Of course he and Zayn were perfect and great and probably fucking dating, and here I was not even able to get over someone that had broken my heart into a million pieces. 

_H: Love u too. Bye._

__________________________________

"You have to come with us, Harry! It's my birthday! You can't dump me on my fucking birthday. I'm going to be 21 in less than 5 hours and I want my best friend with me!" Liam exclaimed. I sighed, really not wanting to have to do this.

"I know, but I'm really not that much of a clubbing-guy, Li. I don't wanna spoil the party for you by standing in the corner being awkward and drunk."

"Oh shut it, Harry! You're coming and I'm not taking no for an answer. Simple as that."

"But I don't have anything to wear..."

"Of course you do! You're going to be a fucking designer, I'm sure you could wear a dress made out of a potato sack and you'd look fabulous. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaase???"

I cringed at how nasally his voice sounded through the phone as he begged and sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to stop bugging me about it. I just had to grit my teeth and do it.

"...fine."

"WOOHOO! We're meeting at 9 pm in front of the club! See you there, Haz!"

He hung up before I could even say goodbye, and I pressed my lips together, going out to the den to get Nick. I needed help with an outfit.

____________

Two hours later, I was waiting with Nick in front of the club. Since meeting for the first time, they had become very close friends, and when Liam invited me, I assumed that he meant for me to bring Nick, so here we were.

I was wearing my tightest pair of skinny jeans and a black button-up shirt with white hearts on it. My brown _Yves Saint Laurent_ boots completed my outfit. Nick told me about 100 times how great I looked, and even if I wasn't completely sold on the outfit, I had definitely looked worse in the past.

"Harry!" I heard Liam before I saw him, and then he was all over me in a huge hug that nearly knocked me flat, but his presence was enough to put a smile on my face. I had certainly missed him, but I had been avoiding his house like the plague ever since...that.

"Hi Li!" I said, genuinely excited to see him and giving him a squeeze back.

"Look at you, Mr.  _I have nothing to wear_ ," Liam said, stepping back to take a good look at me. "You look like a fucking model, Haz!" 

I blushed horribly but managed a smile, seeing Liam properly. "You look great too! Zayn will be all over you tonight, guaranteed." I commented, and he beamed with happiness.

"Have you quite finished?"

The smile was wiped from my face instantly as a familiar and painful voice rang in my ears. I hadn't seen Louis for two weeks...not since the conversation on the roof. I tried so hard not to look at Louis as he walked over, but I couldn't help glancing at him, and in that moment, I could barely breathe.

Louis was wearing extremely tight black skinnies and a white tank that dipped below his collarbone, exposing a tattoo that he definitely hadn't had a few years ago. Why I hadn't noticed it earlier, I wasn't sure, but either way, I couldn't keep my eyes off of him and I hated myself for it. There was only one option for tonight, and that was to stay as far away from Louis as possible and get drunk off my ass. Then maybe I could forget about the pain that was currently building in my chest as Louis shamelessly checked me out. I hated it when he did that...fucking prick.

"Time to fucking party, let's go!" Liam called, and I turned, sticking close to Nick as we walked through the doors. It was time to drink and forget. 

____________

It was almost midnight and so far, my plan had worked out perfectly. I hadn't had a single conversation or run-in with Louis, and I was on my sixth cocktail, and I felt on top of the world. Maybe I wasn't at all sober, but I was enjoying myself and that was what mattered. 

"Hello there!" an unfamiliar voice whispered in my ear, and I turned around slowly, blinking in the dim light.

"Hello-oho," I slurred. Okay, maybe I'd had slightly more than six cocktails, and that wasn't even counting the five shots I had done with Nick an hour ago. 

"What's your name, beautiful?" the nameless guy asked in a flirty tone. Damn, he was good looking. He was taller than Louis, even taller than me. He had dark brown hair, which looked soft, but not as soft as Louis'. And his eyes – yeah they were definitely pretty. Not as mesmerizing as Lou- ...What the fuck was I doing? Was I really comparing this guy to the biggest asshole in the entire club? No, I fucking was not.

"Harrry," I said slowly, supporting myself against the wall as I tried to focus on him. Wow, I was really drunk. "And you, gorgeous...who're you?"

"For you, I am whoever you want me to be," he said with a wink. Wow, what a lame pick-up line...but I was taking it anyway. 

"Mhh...sounds good. As long as your name isn't Louis, I'm fine."

"You can call me Xander," said the man, leaning in close to me.

"Hi," I said, his face only inches away from mine. I smiled dopily and breathed in his scent, a mixture of cheap cologne and sweat. Disgusting...

"I've been watching you a while from over there and I was wondering what a handsome young man like you is doing here all alone..." questioned Xander, moving just a bit closer to me.

"'M not alone. I'm just not a good dan-daancer," I protested with a hiccup, and he chuckled quietly.

"I bet you are, especially with that pretty ass of yours. Okay here's a deal. I buy us another shot and then you have to dance with me!"

"I don't know..." I said slowly once more, my slow brain trying to process what he was asking. I really was drunk and shouldn't have any more, and I didn't know this guy, but fuck it. I was here to have fun, and it sounded like fun.

"Come on, pretty, you only live once," Xander insisted, holding out his hand for me to take.

I nodded, my vision becoming more blurry by the second as the alcohol started to kick in fully. After we drank the shot of Tequila, Xander grabbed my arm and we made our way to the dance floor where Zayn and Liam were dancing really close.

I shivered as I felt Xander behind me, placing his hands on my hips and starting to rub himself against my back. There was something wrong about this but I was feeling a bit dizzy and didn't protest.

"Just follow my moves," he whispered in my ear, his lips proceeding to slide down my neck. I wasn't sure if I liked that, but again, I said nothing. His hands were traveling from my waist down onto my thighs, and now I was starting to feel weird...I didn't like this. I tried to move myself away from him, but he gripped my hips tighter, holding me to him. "Shhh. It's way more fun like this, beautiful," he hissed, his hand traveling back to my thigh and heading in towards my crotch. At this point, I was sure that I did not want this, and I could feel myself panicking a little bit.

"Stop it, Xander! I don't want this," I voiced aloud, but that didn't stop him, his hand dangerously close to grabbing me. He nibbled at my neck, humming.

"Shh...Relax, baby, I'm gonna take care of you..."

"I said stop it," I said louder, trying to shove his hands off of me, but he was stronger than me and kept a tight hold. I felt my throat closing up in fear and I struggled even more.

"Didn't you hear him? He said he didn't want it, now let him go..." a familiar voice growled.

"Who the fuck are you? His babysitter?" Xander exclaimed, his grip loosening slightly, but the moment I tried to move, it tightened again, not letting me leave.

"I'll be your biggest nightmare if you don't take your hands off of Harry right now..."

"Sorry pal, but I saw him first." Xander said proudly, stroking my thigh and making me shudder in repulsion.

"TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HIM!" the familiar voice shouted angrily. I felt a pair of hands tear Xander away from me and I stumbled. Familiar voices surrounded me, lots of them, but I couldn't make out a single one of them, and I was far too drunk to care. I was just glad that that man wasn't touching me anymore. Sure, I was a bit horny when drunk, but his advances had felt all wrong. Someone got their arms around me, holding me upright, and I twisted to get away from them, assuming it to be Xander, but it wasn't. These arms felt familiar.

"Come on, Harry. I'm taking you home,"  the familiar voice said in an angry tone, and when I turned, I was staring into beautiful blue eyes.

"Loueeeh!" I giggled, clinging to him like a monkey. He smelled so good, I just wanted to hold on and never let go.

"Gosh, Haz. How much have you had?" Louis' voice sounded a bit muffled, but I giggled again and answered him.

"Hmmm....1...2...4...2...4... Sex on the beeeeach!" I called out excitedly. "Seeeex on the beeeach – that's such a funneeeeh name. I mean it doesn't even taste like beach or ...sss-sex..."

Louis shook his head, a smile tugging at his mouth. It was so good to see him smile and it just made me smile more.

"Okay. You definitely had enough. We're going home now..."

"I can't go hoome! Liam's birthday is in a feew hours and I have to stay."

"Love, it's almost 2 in the morning."

"Oh...is it really?" I turned around, spotting Liam only five meters away from me. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIMAAAA BEAN!" I called, falling into a fit of laughter as I said it, still clinging to Louis.

"THANK YOU, HAZ," he shouted, turning back to Zayn and kissing him. Wait...Zayn and Liam were kissing?

"Why is youuur broo kissing Zaynie-manie?" I pondered aloud, turned back to Louis.

"Well...I guess that's what you do when you're a couple," he replied as he dragged me towards the exit.

"Couple? Like couply-couple? Like lovey dovey couple?"

"Yes, Harry. A real couple. And we are going now, c'mon."

"Oh....I can't go home, Loueeh. I have to wait for Nicky-mouse...haha...NICKY Mouse...see what I did there?" I hid my face in my hands to contain my laughter. Louis just shook his head, his smile actually prominent now. He was so beautiful when he smiled like this.

"Nick already went home with another guy...I think you should stay at our place, if you'd rather not see things that shouldn't be seen," Louis said, and now he was laughing. His laugh was gorgeous, music to my ears...wait, hold the fuck on. Was I talking to Louis...like, the asshole, Louis Tomlinson?

"Stop...stoooooppp!" I called, freezing where I stood and causing Louis to lurch backwards. "I can't go with you." I pointed dramatically at him. "We," I pointed distinctly between him and me, "Dooooon't talk. This isn't part of my...plan...ignore you and get drunk...fuck...I hate you...what?"

"Hmm...Maybe you need another plan then?"

I focused on him, confused. My vision still blurry so I wasn't exactly sure which of the three Louis in front of me was the real one, but I focused on the left one and grinned. "Ahaaa, Mr. Tomlinson...suggest one for me, then."

"Okay, new plan: You don't hate me for tonight. We'll pretend to be friends, just like we used to be, okay?"

"Okay. Sounds gooood. I like to like you...hating you takes a lot of effort..." I giggled again, suddenly tripping over my own two feet. I fell right into Louis' arms and giggled some more, blushing.

"Oops!" I said into his shirt, trying to stand up straight.

"Hi," Louis smiled lightly as he supported me, leading me towards his car.

____________

Twenty minutes later, we finally made it to Louis' flat. Louis lead me to his room, helped me sit down on the bed, and then got down on his knees in front of me.

"Loueh? Is this the moment you pro-propose to me?" I mumbled, still giggling. Louis was adorable from this view.

"You know, you're something else," Louis commented to himself, brushing some of my damp curls out of my eyes. His hand on my face felt way too good, and it was all I could do to contain my moan of pleasure. "No, I actually prefer to propose to sober people. I was going to help you take off your shoes, but if you don't need my help..."

"No, please help...thank youu," I patted his head, feeling feather soft hair beneath my fingers. Louis didn't look phased in the slightest. He tugged off my shoes and then stood up.

"Come on, Haz. Lift your arms...you have to change your shirt...it's soaked with alcohol," Louis commented, waving a fresh shirt in front of my face. My body went rigid. I didn't even change in front of Liam. I didn't want anybody to see my ugly body with its four nipples and all its fat, but I knew as well that I couldn't change my shirt on my own...I was way too drunk for that. 

"I – I ..." I felt a lump in my throat. I stood up quickly, trying to get away from Louis, but I tripped again and almost fell, just managing to catch myself on the wall.

"Harry? What's wrong?" Louis followed me, looking worried.

"Can't. Don't want you to see that...see me..." I mumbled, gesturing at my body and looking away from Louis. I couldn't do this, no matter how drunk I was...he couldn't see me...

"Haz...hey, hey...look at me."

I heard Louis' voice but I didn't react. I didn't know what to do. I felt his small hands cup my cheeks as he forced me to look into his eyes...his beautiful blue eyes, bluer than the sea on a perfect day...fuck...

"It's fine, love. You don't have to be ashamed. It's me. No one else. Just us. I told you before Harry, you have an amazing body...Trust me." I swallowed hard. Everything in my body was telling me not to do this, but I was too drunk to stop him, so I lifted my arms hesitantly.

"Good boy," Louis whispered in a soft voice as he helped me out of my shirt. I felt the air hitting my bare chest and froze where I stood, crossing my arms over my chest so that Louis wouldn't see. 

I felt Louis hands on my shoulders and he turned me around. There was a huge mirror in front of me, and it took me a moment to focus on what I was seeing. I looked at my pale torso, my bloodshot eyes, my mess of curls, and I felt sick. I hated looking at myself because I was so ugly...there was nothing attractive about me. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as Louis stepped up behind me, his hands on top of mine, and he slowly moved my arms to my sides so that we both had a full view of my chest.

"Look at you, Hazza. You're so beautiful." He whispered into my ear, his chin resting on my shoulder.

"I'm n-not," I protested, trying to cross my arms again, but he wouldn't let me.

"You are..." he brushed his hands across my cheeks, collecting the tears that had fallen. I shook my head, my curls flopping everywhere, and Louis gently pushed them away from my eyes.

"I always loved your curls. Definitely the most beautiful curls I've ever seen," he said, pressing a light kiss on the side of my head. "And those are definitely the most beautiful lips on Earth." His hands moved from my hair to rest on my stomach, his eyes connecting with mine in the mirror.

"And this....this is the most beautiful tummy. You can even see abs, look. That's ..." now it was he who was giggling, "...way too hot."

He turned me so I was facing him, looking right at me. "You are _beautiful_ , Harry. Every single inch of your body is just perfect. I can't understand how you don't see it, Hazza."

I looked away. I was so fucking ashamed that he had seen me like this, but for some reason, his touch was very soothing.

"I know you don't believe me. But it is true..." he lifted a hand to brush my cheek and I leaned into the touch, my eyes fluttering. Louis smiled up at me and then lifted the clean shirt from the floor. "Now lift your arms so we can put this shirt on you..." and I did as he commanded. Louis then helped me to get rid of my skinny jeans, but this proved to be more difficult than the first task.

  
"Jesus. How do you even fit in those?" he puffed, a bit out of breath from trying to maneuver me around to get my pants off. He helped me lay down in bed, pulling the duvet over me.

"Good night, Hazza" he whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Lou?" I called as he stood up to leave.

"Hm?"

"C-Can..." I bit my lip nervously, not sure if he would agree, but I wanted it so bad. "Can you cuddle w-with me?"

"I don't kn-"

"Pleeeeeeeease," I begged, not even sure why I wanted it.

"Alright, fine...move over." He lifted the duvet but I yanked it back down.

"NO!" I protested, and he looked at me, confused and slightly annoyed.

"What now?" He asked, trying to keep his voice from sounding annoyed, and I smiled a bit, dazed by the drinks.

"Take your jeans off...you can't cuddle in jeans..." 

Louis rolled his eyes but did as I asked, his jeans falling to the floor in a heap, and he crawled under the duvet with me.

"Be my big spoooon," I begged with a giggle, and he didn't protest. He molded himself to my back, pulling me tightly to his chest, one arm wrapped securely around my waist and the other playing with my hair lightly. He was so warm and for once, I loved feeling small and safe, which is how Louis always made me feel...safe.


	6. Chapter 6 - Sing

I woke up strangely warm but very comfortable, with a steady beat pounding in my ear. A small happy sigh escaped my lips as I curled further into the warmth. I didn't even bother opening my eyes, just listening to the comforting beat in my ear and feeling soft material under my cheek. But then something shifted under my face and my brain woke up. What the fuck was going on...why was the bed moving?

I opened my eyes a fraction and tried to orient myself. I lifted my head off the bed and looked up, and my throat closed up immediately upon realizing the situation. I was in a bed, but not my bed, and most definitely not alone. There were arms wrapped around me and my head had been laying on the person's chest. That beating I had heard was the person's heartbeat. I never shared a bed with anyone, not since...well, since a long time ago.

I blinked a few times and the sleeping face of Louis came into focus. It took my brain about three seconds to register that what I was seeing was real before I was out of that bed like a rocket, getting tangled in the sheets and falling to the floor in a heap.

"Wasgoinon?" Louis' voice, deep and raspy, sounded from somewhere above me, but I was on the verge of panic. I had been in the same bed as Louis Tomlinson. I had been sleeping with him! What the hell had I been thinking? Or was it even me? Had he drugged me or something? Wait, what had happened last night? Where was I?

"Haz, why are you on the floor?" Louis' voice spoke again, and I felt a hand on the sheets around me. I scrambled back, my back hitting the wall as I tried to get away from him. I finally caught a glimpse of him, looking very tired and confused.

"St-stay away from me," I said, trying to sound menacing, but my voice was shaking too much for that. "Wh-what did you do to me?"

"I brought you home from Liam's party...you were really drunk, Harry, I needed to get you somewhere where you wouldn't do anything stupid, and..." He began to explain, rubbing his eyes as he said it, but I interrupted him. I needed answers.

"What were you doing in my bed...did you...did we..." I was terrified out of my mind. Did Louis and I have sex? Did he get what he had wanted all along? What the fuck had happened?

"Firstly, Harold, this is my bed, thank you very much. And no...we didn't do anything. You were drunk, could barely stand up right, so I got you comfortable and you asked me to cuddle with you...so I did." He seemed to be telling the truth, but I didn't trust him one bit. Not at all. 

"Why would I ask you to do that? We aren't even friends!" I said loudly, and for one second, just one, I could have sworn that Louis looked hurt. But it was gone in a flash and replaced with a tired expression.

"You asked, and for some reason I said yes. We didn't do anything, I promise you, but if you don't want to be near me, I'll leave you here to get dressed." Without another word, Louis rose, not even bothering to put pants on over his boxers, and left the room, slamming the door behind him. I held my head, a throbbing pain now very prevalent in my temples. Wow, I must have been really, really drunk to have asked Louis Tomlinson to sleep with me, especially with so little clothing on. How had I even let him undress me? Fuck, I could barely remember anything other than something vaguely about a club and then falling asleep. I stood up shakily and looked around the room. My clothes from the previous night were gone, and I suddenly felt self-conscious. How was I supposed to get home without my clothes? I couldn't very well wear Louis' clothes, because he was much shorter than me and in much better shape. I opened the door a crack and peered out into the hallway. There was a faint rustling from the kitchen but nothing else. Maybe Liam would have clothes for me to borrow. I scurried down the hallway to his room, which was, unsurprisingly, empty. Liam had probably spent the night with Zayn.

My brain raced as I grasped onto this new information. I remembered a bit...saying happy birthday to Liam and him kissing Zayn...they were dating now, right. I knew that. But who had told me that? 

I rummaged through Liam's clothes until I found a pair of joggers that would hopefully fit and tugged them on. They were a bit snug on my thighs, but otherwise fit reasonably well. I just kept on the t-shirt I had, not even sure whose it was or where it came from. All I know is that it smelled really good and I didn't want to take it off. 

I walked slowly back into the hallway and down to Louis' room, and stopped in the doorway. My clothes were laying on the bed, neatly folded, and my boots sat next to them. No note, no explanation, just clean clothes waiting for me. I decided that I'd better stay in what I had on, cause those jeans had been hard enough to get into the night before, I didn't want to attempt it again here with the thought that Louis might walk in on me. I picked up the clothes and my phone, which was laying on top of them, and walked back into the hallway. As I walked out to the main area, I could hear the faint sound of the piano and a rough but higher tenor voice singing softly...singing a song I never thought I'd hear again.

_____

_"Hazza, c'mere! Want to show you something!" Louis called, and I ran out from the back room, seeing Louis seated at the piano. I bounded happily over to him and plopped down on the bench. Being this close to him was something I tried to avoid, what with my huge crush on him and all, but he wasn't moving away so I took the opportunity that I had._

_"Did you write me a song?" I joked, and Louis laughed, the wonderful sound making my heart swell and my cheeks burn a little bit. His laugh was so amazing, and it only ever happened when he was with me, so it made me feel special._

_"No, no. But I did learn a new song and I wanted you to sing it with me. Will you?" Louis asked, looking a bit timid but determined. I hesitated, not liking my singing voice all that much, but Louis nudged me in the side, poking at my cheek. "Pleeeeaaaaaase, Haz? Liam won't sing with me, he thinks it's weird. But you will, won't you?"_

_I couldn't argue with that face. I nodded and tried not to focus on his thigh brushing against mine as he situated himself and placed his hands on the keys. He started out with a simple chord pattern and then began to sing in his beautiful voice._

_Wise men say_

_only fools rush in,_

_but I can't help_

_falling in love with you,_

_He started, and gave me a quick sideways glance and nodded, meaning for me to join him, so I did without hesitation._

_Shall I stay?_

_Would it be a sin,_

_if I can't help_

_falling in love with you._

_Louis wasn't even looking at the keys anymore, but right at me, still singing and smiling encouragingly at me, so I kept going, even if my voice was shaking a little bit._

_Like the river flows,_

_surely to the sea,_

_Darling, so it goes,_

_Some things, are meant to be,_

_Take my hand,_

_Take my whole life too,_

_Cause I can't help_

_Falling in love with you_

_Louis stopped playing and we just stared at each other, and I could feel the urge building in my chest...I wanted to kiss him so bad, but he'd hate me forever if I did that. Suddenly the door opened and Liam came in with his mum. We both jumped apart and I turned away from Louis, blushing. I would never have the courage to tell him how I felt._

_______

I jolted out of my memory with a shiver, but my body was apparently on a different track than my mind. I placed my clothes and boots on the floor by the door and walked into the den, where Louis sat at the piano, humming the tune to a song I knew so well, painfully well, and watched as his fingers stretched for the chords. His tiny hands had always been such a fascination for me. I shook myself mentally. I was not allowed to feel this way. This asshole broke my heart and lied to me...how on Earth could I still have feelings for him?

_"Some feelings never go away, like mine for you. They will never fade, no matter how far apart we are..."_

Louis' words from years ago echoed in my head and bit down hard on my lip to shut them up. I couldn't do this. I needed to leave. But something was keeping me there, rooted to the spot, and when I finally regained the use of my legs, they carried me towards Louis, not away from him. I sat down on the piano bench next to him and he flinched slightly, turning his head.

"Oh...umm, I thought you would have left already..." He mumbled, taking his hands off the piano and twisting them in his lap.

"I was going to, but I...heard you playing, and I liked it. Sorry, I should..."

"No, no. Stay, if you want. I was almost done..." He sounded a bit flustered, which was not something I expected from him. I looked over at him and took in his profile: Sharp cheekbones and jawline, covered in a small amount of stubble...messy fringe that somehow looked perfect...long eyelashes that touched his cheeks every time he blinked. I couldn't deny it even if I wanted to...he was the picture of perfection...maybe I was still drunk or something.

"Play...play what you just were...I like that song." The words were out of my mouth before I could think, and Louis turned to face me, his bright blue eyes confused. I gave him a nod of encouragement and he turned back to the piano, placing his hands on the keys hesitantly and pressing down the chords. 

I smiled as the familiar melody came back to me, and I started to sing quietly. 

_Like the river flows,_

_surely to the sea,_

_Darling, so it goes,_

_Some things, are meant to be,_

Louis swallowed and I watched his throat bob, but he opened his mouth and joined me on the last bit of the verse. 

_Take my hand,_

_Take my whole life too,_

_Cause I can't help_

_Falling in love with you_

_Cause I can't help_

_Falling in love with you_

His hands went still on the keys and we stared at each other, no words being spoken. Almost without my realizing, I seemed to be leaning closer, and unless I was much mistaken, he was too. Fuck, we were going to kiss...did I want that? Hell, no I didn't...but I wanted to remember the feeling of his lips on mine, the way he made me feel when he touched me...fucking hell, we were so close to each other now. I could feel his breath ghosting over my lips...

The front door banged open and we jumped away from each other, me falling off the piano bench in my haste to get as far away from Louis. Liam walked in and stopped in his tracks, observing me on the floor. Louis, however, was already gone, his door slamming a few moments later.

Liam offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet, looking very happy for someone who had been just as drunk as I was last night.

"I take it things went well with you and Zayn? By the way, when were you going to tell me that you two were dating?" I joked, and he blushed. Liam actually blushed and his smile grew wide.

"Yeah...we are. Zayn is...he's so perfect, H, I think he might be the one."

"Li, you said that about the last guy! Don't get ahead of yourself, please," I begged, still tingling from what had almost just happened with Louis. I searched Liam's face for any sign that he had seen it, but he must have not, because he didn't say anything about it, just continued to ramble about Zayn and how perfect last night had been.

"Where did you go last night, Haz? Saw that guy getting pretty cozy with you on the dance floor...you didn't seem to like it though. And then you just disappeared."

"Umm...Louis brought me back here...I've gotta go...shift at the bakery...happy birthday," I said in a rush, grabbing my clothes and rushing out the door without even putting shoes on. I didn't even wait for the bus, just ran home in bare feet, the cool wind feeling really good on my face. Besides, I hadn't been able to run in the past couple days and I felt horrible about it, so this was a small compensation. 

________________

Once I was inside the house, I barely made it to the couch before I collapsed on it, breathing hard and almost panicking. I couldn't be feeling this way...I couldn't let myself do this again. I grabbed on to a pillow and buried my face in it, but that didn't exactly help the breathing situation.

"Harry...where were you last night?" Nick's voice came from across the room and I looked up, hoping that I didn't look as horrible or as scared as I felt.

"Umm...got a ride to Liam's...didn't feel well." 

Nick was (thankfully) fully clothed, as was the guy that followed him out of his bedroom a moment later. The guy kissed Nick's cheek and headed out the front door, leaving me and Nick in a semi-awkward silence.

"You want some breakfast?" Nick offered, but I shook my head. I wasn't hungry at all, and even if I had been, my stomach was churning with nerves that shouldn't have even been there, and I wouldn't have been able to eat a single thing. Nick looked like he wanted to protest, but I just shook my head and walked to my room, closing the door gently and going to my closet to grab real clothes. I hadn't been lying when I had told Liam I had a shift at the bakery, it was just an afternoon shift instead of a morning shift. I tore off the shirt I was wearing and caught a whiff of that familiar smell, the comforting one from this morning. With a jolt of panic, I realized that what I was smelling was Louis. His natural scent mixed with the detergent used in their laundry...I threw the shirt across the room and pulled on one of my own hastily, to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I had a vague feeling that I had been doing that recently and had no intention of looking at myself again.

I headed back out into the kitchen and accepted the mug of tea that Nick practically forced on me, sipping at it quickly and burning my tongue. I swore quietly and grabbed a coat and a beanie, ignoring Nick's questions as I headed out the door. No bus again...I needed the walk. Maybe the morning chill would rid me of my thoughts of Louis. 

 


	7. Chapter 7 - All Over Again

_He just wants to fuck you. Always remember that,_ I thought to myself, before I knocked on the door of Liam's flat. It's been three whole days since the not so little incident between me and Louis. I spent those three days avoiding Louis because I couldn't look him in the eye. I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about what happened the day. I mean, we nearly kissed. What the fuck was wrong with me? I shook my head in disbelief. Things hadn't changed: Louis always had been and would always be an asshole who just liked to fuck around. Simple as that.

I could't even believe that I agreed to spend my evening with him. Okay, to be fair I agreed to spend my evening with Liam, but since Liam and Zayn were a thing now, Liam would be paying a lot of attention to him, which would leave me and Louis to sit there in an uncomfortable silence. Only a few weeks ago, I swore to myself that I wouldn't spend any more time than was absolutely necessary with Mr-Lover-Lover, but here I was, about to face another exhausting day with Louis.

The door opened suddenly, jolting me from my thoughts, and I swallowed hard, because it was Louis.

" _Harold_ , nice to see you!" Louis greeted me, sounding like his usual sarcastic self. I tried to avert my eyes, but for all the reasons in the world, I couldn't. His hair was damp and his towel was hanging dangerously low on his hips. His abs were still wet from the shower and they almost glistened. What the fuck was this? A porno?

"Jesus, Louis...can't you afford any clothes?" I said in a harsh tone. I didn't mean it to come out so mean but I didn't want my voice to betray what I was feeling. 

"Hm...to be honest, I've been waiting for you to come home, babe. I thought we could go back to the shower together?" he countered with a big stupid grin on his face. What the fuck was wrong with this guy?!

"Ha-ha...Sorry, but I already took a shower at home - too bad." I said sarcastically, pushing my way past Louis and heading in to the flat without another word to him. Liam and Zayn were sitting on the couch just talking, and I walked over to them. Both stood up and I hugged them, feeling much better now that I was away from Louis. 

"Nice to see you, guys," I said and they both smiled at me.

"I CAN'T FIND THE CHIPS!" a male voice with a thick Irish accent called from the kitchen. "But I found popcorn, if that's alright with you," he said in quieter tones as he entered the living room.

"Oh right. Harry, that's Niall...he's a friend of Louis' and mine," Zayn offered, smiling encouragingly.

"Hi mate. I'm Niall, but you can call me Nialler, too, if you'd like," the blond haired guy added in a very friendly tone.

"Hi. M' Harry." I mumbled, just nodding to him. I wasn't the best with new people, but Niall seemed like a pretty happy guy, and god knows I could use some happy right now. 

"So...popcorn alright?" he asked, holding up a bowl to me. 

"That's not even a question" A voice answered before I had even opened my mouth, and a now fully dressed Louis came into the room. Fucking hell...even dressed, he looked hot as fuck. He wore a tight black skinny jeans and a white tank top that was slipping off of one shoulder, showing of his extremely prominent collarbones.

"Take a picture, it will last longer," Niall said with a chuckle. _Fuck_. Within seconds the color of my face went from its usual pale tone to a bright red. Louis gave me a little smile, which made me blush even more. _Get your shit together, Styles. You can do this ,_ I thought to myself. If only I actually believed that. 

"So what are the plans for tonight, lads?" I said loudly, trying to make the situation less awkward. I plopped down on the couch and made a face at Liam and Zayn, who were now cuddling. "You two are disgusting, you know that right?" I threw a pillow at them and they both started laughing. 

"We thought about having a lad's night...you know, just playing some games and drinking beer. Nothing huge," Zayn commented, and Liam nodded, nuzzling into Zayn's neck playfully. Damn it, they were so cute. If only...no. Fucking no. I shoved that thought to the deepest part of my thoughts and locked it up before speaking again. 

"Playing games? Any ideas yet?"

"I haven't played twister in ages!" Niall said, just a bit too excited, and the other boys looked interested. 

"Sick! Twister is it then," Louis announced, starting to search for the game on the shelf next to the TV. Twister? Gosh, I hated this game. I didn't like it when people touched me, and, if Louis was playing, that meant touching Louis. What a fucking joy. 

____________

Twenty minutes later, this game was getting out of hand. Zayn, Liam, Louis, and I were all completely entangled with each other with hardly any spaces left on the board. 

"Harry, right hand on blue," Niall called out. He had opted to be the caller for this game, and was sitting comfortably on the couch, watching us struggle. Great...there was only one blue spot left, and to get to it, I would have to arch over Louis entire body. Perfect. I groaned inwardly, trying not to make it obvious just how uncomfortable I was with this. Louis looked at me with this evil smirk on his face; the bastard knew what was coming. _It's just a game, relax,_ I chanted to myself before putting my hand next to Louis head. We were face to face and he stared right into my eyes, not blinking.

"Well hello there..." he whispered, his voice deepening as he tried to sound sexy. I ignored him. No way in hell was I going to play along to his stupid game. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from saying a word, but it didn't go unnoticed by Louis, who smirked in a satisfied way. 

"Liam, left foot on yellow" Niall ordered.

Louis was still staring at me and I was definitely losing myself in his blue eyes...I couldn't help it. Suddenly there was a yell from Liam as he and Zayn collapsed, knocking into my legs. I lost my balance and fell right onto Louis, who collapsed right under me, the breath whooshing out of him. My chest was pressed against his, my hair was tickling Louis' face, and I could definitely feel his crotch against mine. _Wait...what!?_ Louis must have noticed it as well, or maybe he was just being a prick, but I could feel his chest shaking with laughter, and just to make things worse, I could feel myself getting hard.  _Fuck!Fuck! Fuck! No...keep it in your pants, Styles._ At this point I was about to have a minor breakdown, and I needed to get up and get away from Louis as fast as possible. I pushed myself to my feet and brushed imaginary dust off of my clothes. 

"Won. Cool. Thirsty. Be right back," I babbled, doing my best not to sprint for the kitchen. What the hell was that? Did I seriously get hard just from laying on top of Louis? He didn't even touch me. I leaned my forehead against the fridge and closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing. I had to get my shit together. _Okay. Remember what you've been telling yourself all day long: Louis is an asshole and just wants to fuck with you. Louis just wants to prove that he can have you._ I wanted  to believe myself, but I couldn't stop thinking about him...about how maybe it was okay for him to have me whenever. Everything he did: His walk, his laugh, his voice, his eyes ... oh, Jesus his eyes were killing me. Those abs. _Calm the fuck down. Louis just wants sex. You can't do this. YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CA-_

"Boo," a way to familiar voice whispered in my ear and I jumped about a foot, letting out a startled squeak.

"JESUS, LOUIS! What is wrong with you?" I turned around and shoved his shoulder in anger.

"Relax, Haz," he smirked. "Just wanted to check on you, you seemed pretty... affected by the whole situation." Fuck. He HAD noticed my boner. Great. Now would be a good time to just drop dead. 

"Well, as you can see, I am alive. Thank you," I snapped.

He reached out to touch my shoulder, and his fingertips just barely grazed my shoulder before I lost it completely. 

"Louis. I'm going to tell you one last time: Don't you dare fucking touch me." I glared at him and he stepped back, looking almost hurt by my words. Maybe I was wrong, though, because his smirk and anger were back in an instant. 

"Shit, Harry. You're the prudest guy I've ever met, and I met a lot of people in my life."

"I AM NOT!" I yelled back, not really caring if the other three heard me. I was so done with his shit. 

"Oh hell yes you are. You're so prude, I'd think you're a virgin, but you're too old not to have been fucked at least once."  Was he fucking serious? At that very moment, I knew. I wanted to kill Louis Tomlinson. 

"Take that back," I very nearly screamed. I was so angry. Who the fuck did he think he was? He looked taken aback at my outburst, but I didn't give him any room to speak before I continued ranting. "You're so disgusting, Louis. You judge people because they aren't sluts, like you. Not everyone spreads his legs for any random guy on this planet. Some of us actually want to care about the people we make love to...oh right, I forgot, you don't make love, you fuck." I took a step towards him, anger boiling in my veins. Any moment now I would snap, and I wasn't sure if that would be good for anyone involved. 

"Oh yeah, I forgot...you're my fucking moral compass, eh?" He scoffed scornfully. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? This guy was confusing the shit out of me and I was not about to take this any longer. "You're just bitter that I didn't fuck you 5 years ago!" he added in a harsh afterthought.

"Are you fucking kidding me?? You saved me from the biggest mistake of my life..." I retorted, my fists clenching, and I waited for his response, but to my surprise, it didn't come. Louis didn't say anything for a few moments, he just stared at me, this blank expression on his face. He didn't look remotely angry anymore, and his eyes were...was that shame? Sadness?

"If you say so," he mumbled, more to himself than to me before leaving without a backwards glance. The fuck was that...he had basically lost all of his gusto, which hadn't happened before. I took a few deep breaths before heading back into the living room. 

"Have a great evening, lads! I'm sorry I have to go, but I have some boyfriend-duties, if you know what I mean," Niall announced, smirking. Wait, was he going home already? "Was nice to meet you Harry! I hope we'll see each other soon!"

"Yeah, definitely. Nice to meet you Niall." I replied, my voice still shaking a bit, but not enough for him to notice. 

"Have fun tonight, tiger," Niall whispered to Louis with a wink, who just answered with a smirk of his own. What was that supposed to mean? Was someone coming over? Eww, god, he wouldn't have sex with Zayn and Liam here...Gosh. No. Give him some credit - he might be an asshole, but the wasn't that sick in his head.

"What are we going to do now?" Zayn looked at us, waiting for any response.

"I'd love to watch a movie!" Liam said, not willing to let his hands go from his boyfriend's neck.

"A movie? Again?" I said, trying not to sound too annoyed, but I couldn't help it...Liam and Zayn would probably be making out most of the time anyway.

"Yes! I've always wanted to watch the Notebook. And you haven't seen it either, Haz! Please, please, please," Liam gave me the puppy-look and I couldn't resist the puppy-look.

"Okay fine." I agreed, but I regretted it the moment I put the movie in and turned around. Liam and Zayn were cuddled up at the one end of the couch and Louis was at the other end. There was only one place for me to sit, and that was next to Louis. Great. I snorted, but sat down next to him, knowing that I didn't have a choice. To my surprise, Louis didn't say anything.

It was about 30 minutes into the film when I felt Louis arm behind me, resting on the back of the couch. His fingers brushed over my neck, a gesture that was barely noticeable, but it was enough to make me shiver. Louis leaned a little bit towards me and whispered "Don't tell me you don't like it. I can see that you do..." I swallowed, trying to ignore any feelings that may or may not have been coming up in my brain.

"W-What? You're ridiculous, Louis." I countered, my voice sounding a bit hysterical.

"Then why haven't you told me to stop?" He looked at me, a small grin present on his face.

"I...I haven't even noticed."I stuttered. I was the worst liar on the fucking planet...I needed to work on that.

"Sure..." he whispered with a small giggle. Oh lord, his giggle was the cutest thing I had ever heard...I was going fucking insane. 

I just shook my head, trying to get rid of my thoughts, but when I looked around, I noticed that Zayn and Liam had disappeared.

"Where are our lovebirds?" I asked, and Louis looked around too.

"Umm...I don't know? Didn't hear them leave...that's weird..." a surprised Louis added. I grumbled to myself. Great. Here I was again...alone with Louis.

"Listen, Harry, I'm sorry. I was pretty rude earlier. I - I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to...to hurt you or anything..." he looked at me, no hint of a smirk on his face this time. He looked quite sincere, which was a first. He was right, of course, he had hurt me...for the hundredth time since Liam had moved in and I had been thrown back into his presence. But there was no way that I would let him know that he held that kind of power over me.

"Hurt? Me?" I scoffed. "You're being ridiculous again, Louis. Your sense of humor is amazing."

I expected him to be surprised, and he was, but not in the good way. His body went rigid and he turned to me, his eyes sparking with anger once more.

"You can't be genuinely nice, can you? What have I done? Tell me! I _really_ try to be nice and stuff and you just act like a butt-hurt idiot."

My jaw dropped. Butt-hurt idiot? Was he fucking serious?

"I am not a butt-hurt idiot. You're just the biggest asshole on this fucking planet and there's no fucking way to stay away from you because you're Liam's brother!" I growled, glaring at him.

"You mean the big asshole that you're in love with." I stared at him for a full minute after this one, and then I started laughing hysterically.

"I'm...in love with...you?" I wanted to sound like I was making fun of the statement, but in truth, I sounded more nervous than anything. To be honest, I wasn't sure if that statement was entirely false, and that scared the hell out of me.

"Hazza," Louis' tone was much softer now, and it definitely got my attention. "I know it. You told me when we laying in bed the night you were drunk."

I froze and felt my entire body filling with panic. Fuck, what the hell had I said?

"Y-You definitely misunderstood things. I am 100% not in love with you, Louis. We have a past...right. But it's 2015 now. Get over it, Louis. I don't love you."

"Okay, shut up. Seriously, just shut the fuck up," Louis snapped, going back to his angry self. Now what? I looked at him curiously. Was he angry that his plan to get me into his bed wasn't working out or was it something else?

"I made mistakes, okay, but YOU made mistakes too," He said in a tone of forced calm, looking at me with an intensity that I had never seen before. "We're a lot older now. Can't we just start all over again? I am truly sorry for everything I've ever done to you." His voice trailed away as he looked at the floor, and once again, he sounded very sincere. He took a deep breath and continued. "Look, Harry. You don't make it easy for me. One moment you push me away, the next you want to cuddle, and then you push me away again. I'm confused, okay? I...I don't have the power to stay away from you. I never did. It's like I'm addicted to you and I know that's probably a horrible way of putting it but it's the truth. All I'm asking is for you to give me a chance. Let me prove to you that nothing has changed. Please, Harry. Give me that chance."

"One kiss," The words were out of my mouth with no consent from me, and I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth to contain my gasp. Had I really just said that?

"W-What?" Louis was staring at me now, his mouth open in disbelief.

"You can kiss me, but only one time." Yep, I was definitely insane and masochistic to suggest this. But I had to know if things were really the same. Not for him, but for me. All of my thoughts about Louis were killing me, and one kiss would not be that bad, or at least, I hoped so. Even if he'd reject me afterwards, it was just a kiss. If I was being honest with myself, however, I knew that I didn't need some kiss to tell me that I was so fucking gone for Louis and I always had been and probably always would be.

"Are you sure?" Louis said in a timid voice. He apparently didn't really believe me either. I huffed.

"Do it or I'll change my mi-" but I didn't even get all of the words out. Louis had cupped my face in both of his hands and his lips were only a few millimeters away. I could smell his scent and it smelled manly with a hint of something dangerous, something that I wanted to smell for the rest of my life. His mesmerizing blue eyes were staring at me, an expression there that I had only seen one time before...it was the same expression he'd had when we had kissed for the first time. A mixture of excitement, fear, and something that looked vaguely like affection. His eyes fluttered shut as he leaned in, and then his lips were touching mine. I hadn't expected his lips to be so warm, but as soon as his lips were on mine, a familiar soothing warmth spread throughout my entire body. I knew this feeling, and it was definitely the same as that night five years ago, maybe even more pronounced. His lips started to move against mine and I didn't want it to ever stop. I started to kiss him back and he drew in a deep breath through his nose, pulling himself closer to me. I felt his tongue trace my bottom lip and my lips parted instinctively, letting him into my mouth. His tongue found mine as he continued to kiss me and my hands went right to his waist, tightening their grip as our kiss became much more heated. His hand had slipped into my hair and was tugging lightly at the curls at the base of my neck, earning a slight whine from me...he always knew where my weak spots were.  He tasted sweet and minty and I couldn't get enough of him. 

Suddenly his lips were gone. I kept my eyes closed, savoring that feeling and trying to breathe normally.

"Not that bad, Harold," Louis said and I definitely could hear an amused smirk in his voice.

"Oh shut it, Lou," I retorted, opening my eyes to look right into his. I definitely needed more.

"Hmm...maybe I can get another one...but I'm not sure if you can ha-"

"I said shut it...now kiss me, you fool," I pulled him closer again by his waist and his arms went around my neck. I pulled him slightly on top of me, leaning back on the couch as our lips connected again, much faster than before.  Louis didn't hesitate for a second and pushed his tongue into my mouth at once. It felt like all the strain and sexual frustration of the last five years discharged in this one kiss. I could feel Louis getting hard on top of me and it was so hot that it was getting me hard as well. He wanted me and this was the best feeling. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him even closer to me...I needed him to be touching me in every way possible. I could feel one of Louis' hands making its way up the back of my shirt. His hand was pleasantly cool on my back and I felt my dick twitch. Louis definitely noticed, because he pulled away from me for a second, just looking down at me, admiring. 

"Look at you...already such a pretty mess for me," he whispered against my lips.

I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him as close as possible. He pressed light kisses into my neck, biting down here and there and creating what was sure to be a line of hickeys in the morning. I moaned a little with every single touch from him; this felt way better than I had ever imagined. Louis pulled back a little, panting, and his hands traveled down my stomach to lift up the bottom of my shirt. Normally I would have pushed him away, because I hated people seeing me even half naked, but at this moment I couldn't care less. Louis trailed kisses down my chest onto my tummy and all the way to the waistband of my jeans. He was right - I already was a mess. All I could think about was Louis between my legs and I couldn't contain my moans. I felt Louis grin on the skin below my navel. He placed his hand on my crotch and started palming me through my pants. I gave a high pitched whine and one of my hands tangled in his hair. Louis' tiny fingers expertly undid my jeans and I lifted my bum so that he could slide them down. Yes, here I was, laying under Louis Tomlinson in just my t-shirt and pants, my jeans resting almost all the way down my thighs.

"So beautiful," Louis moaned as I felt his breath on my crotch. He was so close to my erection and I could feel goosebumps all over my body. Louis started pecking my tummy again and a few moments later we were smashing our lips together. We kissed like our lives depended on it, our lips moving sloppily with each other...fuck, I needed him so much. His hands were trailing down my chest and stopped for a quick moment when he reached the waistband of my pants. He was waiting for my permission. I was pretty sure I wasn't able to talk so I just kissed him even more eagerly. Louis understood what I was trying to say and he slipped his hand carefully into my pants. When he wrapped his hand around my fully hard cock, I let out a moan and almost thrust right into his hand. I needed this...needed him.  
  
"Fuck! Sorry. I didn't see anything," Zayn voice reached my ears, sounding panicked. "Just need something to drink...fucking hell...sorry..."

I groaned in disbelief. This was not happening...I was blushing furiously now.

"Sorry," Louis mumbled, shooting me an apologizing look. I shook my head in embarrassment just as a loud _BANG_ came from the kitchen. "FUCK, SORRY. I just dropped two glasses." Zayn shouted towards the living room. Yep...He definitely killed the mood.

"M-maybe you should check on him," I said in a weak voice. I still felt like I really needed to come, but we obviously couldn't just sit here and continue with Zayn right there in the kitchen.

"Yeah probably. Give me a minute," Louis pecked me on the forehead before he made his way into the kitchen. I took a deep breath, not believing what just happened. I made out with Louis and it felt fucking great. Maybe I was wrong and he actually felt something for me that was more than a desire to get me in his bed. I mean, he had been pretty caring the past few weeks. He took me home when I was drunk, he checked on me every time when he thought I was feeling bad...those were all things that were actually nice gestures, not just out of duty or something like that.

My phone buzzed on the table next to me. I groaned and grabbed it. 1 new message from Niall. Niall? The preview on the lockscreen definitely said Niall. I was pretty positive I didn't have Niall's number in my phone.

_N: Hey mate! How's it going? Did you get laid? ;) ;) I bet you did. Sneaky little bastard. I knew you would. This guy is definitely far gone for you. Poor little th...._

My eyes ghosted over the screen. This was definitely not my phone...and then it hit me.  All of this was Louis' plan. He really had just wanted to fuck me. I fucking knew it. Why had I even believed him in the first place? I felt tears welling up my eyes...I had to leave. I bit my lip to keep my sobs silent as I pulled my jeans back on quickly. 

"Harry? What's wrong?" Louis looked at me in shock from the door of the kitchen, very confused. 

"YOU, LOUIS TOMLINSON, ARE AN EVEN BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN I EXPECTED!" I shouted, throwing his phone at him. 

"Hazza? What's up?"Liam's voice reached my ears and I just caught a glimpse of him standing in the hallway leading to the den, looking very concerned.

"Nothing, Liam. Just move out of my way. I have to go home," I tried to push past him, but he grabbed my arm.

"Don't touch me, Li," I glared at him, and he let me go immediately, looking almost frightened of me.

"Harry, please, what's wrong?" I heard the panic in Louis' voice, but I didn't even care.

"WHAT'S WRONG? Maybe you should ask your friend Niall what's wrong. Damn, I'm so stupid." I snapped, shoving Liam out of my way and finally getting through the door. I ran home once again, tears blurring my vision...this was too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8 - Getting Over It

It was almost worse than the first time this had happened. The moment I made it home, I collapsed onto the couch and sobbed. I knew Nick wasn't home at the time, but I kept calling his name, begging him, or anyone really, to just hold me. I needed someone there, but the flat was empty. It was just me and the ghosts of my past, which were now the pains of my present. No matter what I did, I couldn't close the fucking huge hole in my chest. Louis had been nice...he had told me the truth, apologized, even, and it turned out that he was nothing but a lying bastard who wanted me for sex.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep or passed out, one of the two, because someone was shaking me. I jolted awake, fearing it to be Louis, but it was just Nick, looking down at me in concern.

"Haz...what are you doing out here...?" Nick asked, helping me into a sitting position. I took one look into his eyes and burst into tears. He pulled me into his arms and held me close, rocking me back and forth and rubbing my back gently as I cried my heart out on his shoulder. "Harry, love, what did he do?" The fact that Nick didn't even have to ask why I was crying just showed how well he knew me, and that only made me cry harder, shaking my head and pulling myself closer to him. He didn't ask any more questions, just sat there and held me until I had calmed down enough to speak.

"He...he said...and we...but he only wanted sex...I thought he had changed...thought it would be like...before...fuck..." I stuttered out, a few more tears slipping down my cheeks as I tried to gain control of my emotions. Nick looked in horror at me.

"You didn't...did you? I didn't think you would, you know..."

"NO! Fuck no, I did not have sex with him. I just...I let him kiss me and it felt so good and then I wanted it again and it...we almost got off but then...Zayn...breaking glasses, and then Niall texted...Nick, it hurts so much," I said in a choked voice, my breathing still shallow from all of my crying, and it didn't seem like it was going to stop anytime soon. Nick pecked my forehead and hurried to the kitchen, coming back minutes later with a steaming mug of tea and a blanket that he had grabbed from the basket in the corner of the room. He wrapped me in the blanket, placed the tea in my hands, and flipped on the TV, just for some background noise to soothe me. He then sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me, brushing away the tears with his thumbs.

"I know it hurts...but it's going to be alright. I won't let him hurt you anymore. I'll even pretend to be your boyfriend so he backs off, if you want it. That might make things easier for you, but that's only if you..."

"Nick...please, I...I love you but...I don't want to put you through that. You'd hate it." I sniffed, sipping the hot tea even though it was burning my tongue and throat.

"I'd gladly give up my...party boy lifestyle if it meant you being happy, you know that, right?"

At this point, my emotions were all over the place and not under my control, so tears of gratitude filled my eyes and Nick almost panicked. "Was it something I said? Oh, Harry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"No, I just...that you'd give that up for me...means a lot...m'sorry for being all emotional and stuff it's just...it's like the past has come back to haunt me." I bit my lip and then drank more tea, determined not to cry anymore. Not over Louis, at least. He didn't deserve my tears. Nick pulled me into an even tighter hug and kissed the side of my head, settling back against the couch with me cuddled up in his arms. It felt nice, in a non-romantic way. Just having Nick there for me was enough, even though the pain was still there, it was numbed a bit, and that was what I needed right now. I didn't need to slip back into old habits.

My phone started buzzing and I picked it up off the floor. Liam's face was flashing on the screen. I swallowed and didn't pick up. I loved Liam to death, but I just couldn't talk to him about this right now. I didn't want to have to explain it to him because he wouldn't understand. He didn't even know that this had happened before, so how the hell was he supposed to understand why I was so upset about it? Nick took my phone gently from me and put it on silent, tossing it onto the table gently.

"Don't worry about it. I'll call Liam later and make up something, alright?" Nick said soothingly, and I just nodded, leaning back against his chest and wiping my eyes again. I hated this. We were quiet for a bit, and then Nick spoke.

"Maybe...maybe you just need to distance yourself from him a little bit. Invite Liam here or something, you know I don't mind that. And I'll keep the sex on the down low...don't want to scare the poor kid." He gave a chuckle at that and I almost cracked a smile, but I couldn't.

"Nick, I hate myself for liking him. It's like I have no power over who I fall for, and no matter how horrible he is to me, the feelings don't go away and I fucking hate it! I don't want to like him! I want him gone!" I was almost yelling now, and Nick shushed me kindly, rubbing my arm in a comforting way.

"Well, if I were in your position, I'd do the obvious thing. Find someone else. Find someone who can make you happy, and then when he sees you with this other guy, he will realize what he's been missing out on. This isn't like, a way to get him back or anything, just a way to get over him. When he comes to you begging, you can say no, and saying no is the first step to moving on, you know?"

I was silent at that, pondering Nick's words. I didn't think anything in the world could make me not like Louis, but maybe it was worth a shot. Yeah, that would make sense. Louis treated me like shit and wanted me for sex only...I deserved better. I could feel anger at Louis boiling up inside me now. I wasn't sad anymore, I was just pissed. I hated Louis Tomlinson. Fucking hated him. I wanted to make him feel some of the anger and sadness that I was feeling, and if he had any sort of feelings for me at all, then I knew exactly what I was going to do.

I stood up abruptly, knocking Nick's arm off of me and almost spilling what was left of my tea. I drained it in one gulp and headed for the door.

"Wait, hold on! It's almost 2AM! Where do you think you're going?" Nick called after me, looking shocked.

"I'm going out. Don't wait up for me." I said shortly, grabbing a coat and walking out the door without another word to my flatmate. I hailed a taxi and gave him the address of the club we had been to only a few days before. There was no guarantee that I would find who I was looking for, but it was the only lead I had and I had to try something.

I climbed out of the taxi and hurried up to the door, my ID ready. Despite me being of age, people still thought I was 17 or something. Whatever. The guy at the door let me in, watching me as I headed into the packed club. I walked straight over to the bar and saw, with a mixture of satisfaction and fear, the exact person I had been looking for. I took a seat next to him and ordered a random drink. When it arrived, the man asked the bartender for another, and that's when I made my move.

"This one's on me," I said quickly, and the man turned to face me, looking surprised. His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of me, apparently recognizing me.

"You're that Harry kid...the one who wanted me and then ditched me. Remind me why I'm even talking to you?" Xander snarled, but he didn't protest about me buying his drink, so I knew that he must still like me a little bit. I put on my best half smirk and said in a deep voice,

"Maybe because I decided I do want you. You're quite fit, you know that? Maybe we can get these drinks and then take this somewhere...else?" I had no fucking clue where my confidence was coming from because I was scared shitless, but it was working for Xander, who smiled seductively and downed his drink in one. I was almost panicking, but I had to do this. Nick was right, I needed to get over Louis, and what better way to do it than to hook up with the guy that he had pulled off of me the other week?

Xander stood and offered me his hand, and I took it, trying not to show how badly I was shaking, and he lead us both to the dance floor. "Just wanna get us warmed up a bit, baby," He whispered in my ear, and I hoped that he took my shudder for one of pleasure instead of one of absolute terror. He touched my hips lightly with his hands and pulled me up against him, both of us swaying our hips in time with the music. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and I was so disgusted...this was horrifying and I hated it. But I had to do it...for myself. This is what I needed. I could feel Xander starting to get hard and, despite my best efforts, I felt myself going hard as well. It wasn't that I liked him in any sense, but the feeling of a hard dick pressing against my bum was not something to ignore. I pushed back against him and earned a surprised moan.

"Outside...now..." Xander whispered, latching onto my wrist and dragging me through the crowd to a side entrance to the building. This lead to a darkened alley, which should have been my cue to run for it, but I didn't. I let Xander lead me next to the dumpsters, where he pushed me back against them and attached his lips hungrily to mine. I did kiss back, but it felt more out of obligation than anything, like I was playing some part in a movie. But despite his death grip on my hips and his terrible kissing skills, he was pressed right up against me, his growing erection earning a reaction out of me as well. He ground his hips down and I whimpered. Half of me scolded myself for liking this, and the other half encouraged me. I went with the latter half and pulled him closer, kissing him filthily and rubbing our clothed hard-ons together until we were both rock solid and panting for breath.

"Fucking hell, Harry, you're amazing," Xander growled, gripping me tighter. I was sure that he would leave bruises on my hips but I just let him do it, so close to my edge. I needed to come, but I was afraid to. Xander, however, didn't have any issues, and he let out a groan as he came, kissing my neck and sucking harshly on the skin there. I whimpered and ground against him until I was coming in my pants, tears springing to my eyes. I held them back and pulled away from Xander, who was looking at me with wide eyes.

"Do you wanna go on a date with me?" I asked, and that was an extremely bold statement to make, but he just kissed me again.

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want...god damn..." He panted out, still coming down from his high. I took his hands gently off my waist and looked at my watch, pretending to be panicked.

"Oh...I've got to go...give me your number and I'll call you, yeah? We can meet up again?" I suggested, hoping to all gods he would say no, but,

"Yeah, here." He pulled out a napkin from his pocket, jotted down a series of numbers, and handed it to me. I nodded in thanks and scurried off, calling for a taxi and climbing in, telling the driver to take me home. As soon as we pulled away from the curb, tears fell silently down my cheeks. I hated myself more than ever now. But it had been necessary. At least, I _thought_ it had, and that was all that really mattered.

________________

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9 - Regrets

A few days have passed since Xander and I hooked up. We texted each other quite often, but they weren't very in depth conversations. To be honest, all he cared about what I was wearing and telling me what he wanted to do with me, or my body, to be more exact. At this point, I was pretty sure that this guy had the intelligence of a walnut. Dating him was weird and I didn't like it at all, but I was a bit trapped in the situation. At first, I thought I might need time to get to know him a bit better, but now I was pretty sure he was an idiot and there was no way that I'd ever fall for him. How could you fall in love with someone who only cares about clubbing and laying in bed all day long? It's like Xander had no hobbies at all. There was simply nothing we could talk about - and it sucked big time. And it was my own fault that I was in this situation, and I wanted to slap myself for it, but there were small perks, I guess. At least he wanted me, or parts of me, and this was more than I had ever asked for. That's why he gave me a good feeling and somehow he managed it to distract me from thinking about Louis. It didn't work all the time, but it helped me to handle the whole situation a lot better. The nights were still the worst, because I woke up nearly every night sweating and crying. Why did this boy have so much power over me? I didn't understand it. My mom always told me that I'd never forget my first love, but was it normal that it tortured you like this?

Today was the first day I would have a proper date with Xander. He asked me out for dinner and even though I hated the thought of eating in public, it seemed a rather good idea. Apparently he cared at least a bit about me if he was offering to take me out to dinner. Maybe I had to give him another chance. There was still a small chance left that he wasn't completely dimwitted. I just needed to get used to him and his kind of humor and stuff. Get used to him? In what kind of relationship do you have to get used to your boyfriend? What was I even doing?  _You're so fucked up, Styles._

"Here's your Soy Chai Tea Latte, Harry," the girl behind the counter smiled at me, holding out my drink.

"Thank you, love," I smiled back and looked for an empty booth in the coffee shop. I sat down in the corner of the shop and took a sip. My eyes were wandering over the people and I caught sight of a cute couple in another booth. The two boys were all touchy and laughed about everything the other one said. They looked like they were madly in love, and from time to time they kissed over the table. I definitely envied them. This was what I wanted. Someone who honestly cared about me and my feelings, someone who would make me laugh and who would listen to me when nobody else would. Just like...

"Hello, dreamer," Nick said as he pinched my cheek. He sat down next to me on the bench. Liam gave me a heart-warming smile when he sat on the bench across from me. The first few days after the incident at Liam's flat had been pretty awkward. He kept asking me over and over again what happened, but apparently neither me nor Louis would answer his question, because he didn't stop asking. After a few days of both of us dodging the question, however, Liam finally gave up, and I had to thank Nick for that one, because I heard how he assured Liam that I was fine, even though we all know it was a lie. I wasn't fine at all. Most of the day I spent in bed wearing my pyjamas. I skipped most of my lectures and had barely eaten anything. I just didn't feel hungry, or, at least that was I was telling myself. I only slept about 3 hours each night because I was crying the rest of the time. The first two nights Nick didn't leave my side, but instead sat with me, rubbing my back and trying to help me get to sleep, but I couldn't. The pain Louis had caused (again) was too much.

"Hey Hazza," Liam tousled my hair over the table, and I groaned, fixing it back to its original style. I hated it when people messed up my hair. Liam shot me an encouraging look and I just had to smile a little.

"Hey boys...how's everyone?"

"Exhausted. This boy dragged me to every single shop in London! I can't feel my feet anymore and I'm officially broke now," Nick exclaimed, waiting for me to pity him, but I wasn't going to. I laughed instead.

"I told you that it would be a bad idea to go shopping with Li," I reminded him, and he just rolled his eyes. 

"Ey! You can't miss any fashion-sale, boys! Yves Saint Laurent had 10% off today - just like Calvin Klein and Marc Jacobs," Liam protested playfully.

Those two boys never failed to make me laugh. With them, I could be so carefree and just enjoy life for a second without thinking about anything else. I was glad that Liam and Nick got along so well, because this made things a lot easier. It kinda became a tradition for us to meet at this coffee shop at least once a week. Sometimes even twice, depending on my working schedule.

We nearly spent two hours talking about the newest gossip. Nick was the king of gossip, and he always knew who just broke up, started dating and who had cheated on whom. We were just talking about Nick's newest addiction to some weird TV-show when Liam started waving like an idiot.

"ZAYN! LOUIS! We're over here!"

I froze. What? _Please don't let this be true_ , I mumbled to myself. I looked over my shoulder and spotted both of them coming over to our booth. I felt Nick's hand on my knee, giving it a small squeeze as he whispered "Are you okay?"

I swallowed hard, but I had to do this, because I was pretty sure I couldn't avoid him forever. I felt like I was about to throw up, I definitely wasn't ready. _Get your shit together! Just concentrate on breathing. You don't have to talk to him._

I nodded at Nick, who looked at me with a mixture of pity and encouragement.

"Hey, love," Zayn said, pecking Liam's lips as he took a seat. Even though they had been dating for a few weeks, this was still strange to me, watching them kiss. Nick had begun to call them Ziam, because it seemed like they were slowly melting into one person. Whatever Zayn did, Liam would do as well, and vice versa.  And of course, being a new couple, their lip were attached 24/7.

"Hey," Louis said, nodding at us, but his eyes were on me, staring, and I couldn't do anything but stare back. He looked stunning, like always. He wore blue tight skinny jeans and a loose grey tank top. ' _Sorry girls, I suck dick_ ' was written in white letters across it. _Idiot._ His outfit was perfectly accessorized with a grey beanie and grey vans. He smirked as my eyes ghosted over the words on his chest over and over again. Yes, he was definitely a jerk.

"Hello," Nick greeted in a cold tone. Since the night he found me sobbing in our flat because of Louis _again_ , he mentally declared war on him. Nick would do anything for me to feel better, and if it meant being a prick to Louis, he'd do it.

Louis kept staring at me. Never in my life had I hated his blue eyes as much as I did now. I felt like I couldn't breathe regularly and the fact that Louis was giving me _that_ look didn't help either. My body stiffened and a slight panic shot through me. I couldn't freak out, not now, not in front of him. I had to leave as fast as possible, otherwise I'd start crying, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop ever again. I grabbed my jacket next to me and jumped up. When I pushed past Nick, who was sitting in my way, I almost tripped, but a pair of way too familiar hands grabbed me and stopped me from falling.

"God Harry, be careful for once. Please," Louis mumbled and I glared at him, enough for him to understand that I didn't want him touching me. I felt tears welling up my eyes. _Don't you dare fucking cry in front of him. He can't see how weak you are. He already can make fun of you for making out with him. For being weak for him._ I shook my head, hoping to be able to get rid off my thoughts, but of course I failed.

"Have to go. Going to meet a friend soon," I said, the words coming out of my mouth so fast that I wasn't completely sure if they had understood me at all.

"Are you going to meet this guy from the club?" Louis was very blunt with his question, and I turned around and stared into his blue eyes questioningly. This was the first time I noticed that his eyes look different than normal. They looked a bit faded, like something was missing.

"The guy? From the Club?" Louis continued, "the one you snogged on the street?" 

What the hell? How could Louis know about Xander already? I hadn't told a single person about it!

"Niall and his girlfriend saw you two making out," he answered my question without me even asking. Was I that obvious? The other boys gaped at me, not believing what they just heard. _Shit_.

Okay, it was my plan to get over Louis with Xander and I chose Xander because I knew Lou wouldn't like it at all, but I didn't want any of them to know about it yet. _Lou?_ Gosh...this had to stop. NOW. _You're so fucked up_. I felt the pain in my chest getting worse and I felt the tears in the corner of my eyes. I swallowed hard. No, Louis wasn't worth any of my tears. _Play it cool, Harry. Just one time._  I didn't know where it was coming from, but all of my sadness turned into anger. Anger at Louis, which had piled up for years and was now about to burst through a dam in my chest.

"You mean my _boyfriend_?" I said in an arrogant tone. "Yes, I'm going to meet my BOYFRIEND now. Or do I have to ask for your permission?" I glared at him.

Louis' mouth fell open in shock and the others just stared at me, but I couldn't care less right now. I didn't know what it was, but the expression in Louis' eyes had changed. He had looked concerned for the most part, but now he kinda looked disgusted and hurt, which didn't even make sense to me.

"B-boyfriend?"Liam asked. Jesus. Was it that ridiculous that someone could like me? I mean, yeah, I already knew the answer and it made me even angrier. Nick looked at me, confused.

"Yes, damn it. B O Y F R I E N D. It isn't that absurd that someone would like me, okay? So don't act like it's a miracle from god or something," I snorted. In this moment I hated it how everyone was treating me. I wasn't some freak that couldn't get a date, for fuck's sake.

"No of course not, Harry! I just ... Why? What? Since when?" Liam shook his head in disbelief and Louis looked at me like he wanted to kill me. Somehow, I enjoyed making Louis angry. Made me feel better about the whole fucked up situation.

"Few days," I shrugged, not even trying to pretend that I would care.

"And you didn't think about telling me? Or Nick?" Liam looked disappointed. Yes, he was my best friend and I could understand where his feelings were coming from, but this was different. If I'd honestly feel something for Xander I would have been bombarding him with my thoughts, because I would have needed a lot of encouragement to do the first step, or even to accept my feelings.

"Li, listen. I'm new to this kinda stuff. You know I don't do relationships usually, okay? I just wanted to give us some time first. Just to make sure that we're both a bit more used to this whole situation," I replied, hoping that he would buy my lie.

"What's his name? Where's he from? What is he like?" Liam asked several questions in such quick succession that I struggled understanding even one of them. 

"He's from London and you'll love him. He's amazing!"  I lied again. I was pretty sure Liam would hate him and so would Nick. I mean, I didn't like him that much either, so why would they?

"Have fun with your lover-boy then,"Louis scoffed, sounding completely disgusted.

"Thank you! I'm very happy with him," I glared back at him, and then said a final goodbye and made my way out of the shop. The moment I stepped out on the streets and into the rain I felt tears streaming down my face. I hated my life. I hated this situation. I hated Louis and I hated that I had a relationship with one of the biggest douchebags ever.

______________________

After three more days, Liam accepted my apology as to why I hadn't told him about Xander. In my opinion, it was kinda ridiculous that I had to apologize at all, but that's how Liam was.

Nick and I had a few chats about this _Xarry-thing_ , like he liked to call it. But after he told me to take care of myself and not to do stupid things, just because I wanted to get over Louis, he left me alone and I was really thankful for that.

And here I was. Only a few days later I was standing in front of the door to Liam's flat. With Xander.

Liam had insisted on meeting him and kinda forced me to bring him over with me. It was an understatement when I said that I didn't like that idea at all. I didn't want Liam, Zayn or Nick to meet Xander at all. I kinda felt like ashamed of him. He acted like a fucking Stone Age man and his vocabulary seemed to be limited to topics like fucking, clubbing and football.

Judging by the look on Xander's face, he didn't want to meet them either. On our way here, he'd asked me about a dozen times why we had to go there, when we could spend our evening alone in my flat. When I told him that they wanted to meet him, he looked quite surprised. According to his reaction, I was sure he and his friends hadn't even spoken about me, let alone discussed my meeting them.

I knocked on the door and only few seconds later Liam and Zayn opened it. Jesus, Liam couldn't even open a door without Zayn anymore. They were so cute it was disgusting to watch, honestly.

"Hazza!" Liam exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug. I hugged Zayn quickly, still not sure how to feel about him. He was Louis' best friend after all, but on the other hand he had always been nice and genuine to me, unlike his dick of a best friend.

"Guys, this is Xander. Xander, this is Liam and his boyfriend, Zayn," I introduced them quickly.

"Nice to meet you. You look so familiar to me. Have we met before?" Liam asked as Zayn shook  Xander's hand. This was not good. If they figured out who he was and especially what he did to me in the club, they wouldn't give him a chance at all.

"No! I doubt that," I countered a bit too forcefully, but they didn't seem to notice. "Are you going to let us in, or what?" I added, trying to change the topic. Fucking hell, this was so awkward.  
"Sure," Liam smiled and guided us to the living room. I didn't see Louis anywhere, and that made me sigh in relief. Maybe this would be easier than I thought. 

_________

The hours went by way too slow. To my luck, Zayn and Xander found out that they share their love for the same football team, which was the only topic anyone had in common with Xander. But this didn't surprise me at all. He simply didn't fit to me and he didn't fit to my friends.

I was sipping the last of my wine when I heard a door open in the hallway. I didn't even have to think about it to know which door had opened, and I stiffened as I turned to see not just Louis, but two other boys with him, exiting the hallway and heading for the door.

"I really liked it," the boy in the front said, his raven hair looking very mussed up.

"Me too. We should repeat that some time, Louis. Call us whenever you need a bit of fun. I'm sure we can help you out again," the second one added. He was a bit taller than Louis and had blonde hair. He was pretty fit, just like the raven haired one. All of them looked like fucking models.

Wait. Who were those guys? The dark haired boy adjusted his pants and Louis leaned against the door frame, smirking. His hair was ruffled and his lips looked swollen, and there was a huge hickey on his neck. He had definitely  just fucked with them. A mixture of anger, jealousy and pain overcame me. Jealousy? Why the fuck was I jealous? Louis just proved to me days ago that he's still the biggest asshole on this planet and yet I still was jealous and hurt that he fucked around? I definitely needed help.

Liam coughed awkwardly and the three boys snapped their heads in our direction. They definitely hadn't noticed us before. Louis stared at me. He looked surprised, but kinda soft. Apparently he didn't know I was coming over, but then he spotted Xander and his expression changed.

"Bye love," his two casual fucks said to Louis, waving at us as they made their way out of the flat.

Louis didn't even bother saying goodbye to them, but instead kept staring at Xander.

"What is he doing here?" Louis snorted angrily.

"Harry? He's my best friend, remember?" Liam countered, a bit confused.

"I'm not talking about Harry, idiot.  I'm talking about the asshole next to him."

"Louis! What the fuck? That's Harry's boyfr-?" Liam was trying to say, but Louis cut him short.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he sounded really pissed, and it kinda scared me a little. I mean, I knew he wouldn't like the idea of me being with Xander at all, and that was the exact reason that I had picked Xander in the first place, but he looked downright terrifying right now. I didn't know if I had ever seen Louis that angry before.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Harry?" he repeated himself, glaring at me.

"Oh look, the twat from the club," Xander spoke up. This was definitely going in the wrong direction.

"Get your ugly ass out of my flat, you asshole!"

"Or what?" Xander stood up and made his way over to Louis. I just sat there in complete fear, watching as Xander approached Louis. Louis didn't back down at all, but rather stood up straighter and glared at Xander. My brain was screaming at me to do something, but I was frozen to the spot.

 Zayn noticed what was going on and stood up as well, stepping between Louis and Xander to make sure that nothing horrible happened.

"Or I'll kick your fucking ass, you little bastard," Louis glared at him, clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles whitened.

"You both calm the hell down! What the fuck is going on?" Liam stepped in as well, looking between me and Xander and Louis, confused out of his mind.

"Nothing," I tried to sound as normal as possible, but deep within I was a mess. This wasn't working out as I had wanted it to. Yes I wanted to make Louis jealous, but this was about to escalate into something much more and I didn't want anyone to get hurt, at least, not physically.

"Nothing?" Louis snapped, pointing an accusing finger in Xander's direction, unable to properly see him because Zayn was in the way. "This guy tried to fuck Harry when he was drunk on your birthday. He tried to take advantage of him. He didn't accept the fact that Harry said 'stop', because this douchebag thinks with his dick." I scoffed. For some reason, I found this entire conversation a bit hilarious.  Louis was one to talk about moral. He claimed that Xander was only thinking with his dick? This had to be a joke. Louis wasn't any better than that. He was the one who tried to fuck me only days ago. And I was pretty positive I'd have done it too if I hadn't see Niall's massage first. What Xander did was wrong and disgusting, but what Louis did was almost as bad.

Liam and Zayn were speechless, trying to comprehend what Louis had just said, and judging by the looks on their faces, they were about to punch Xander as well. _Do something, Harry._ _DO SOMETHING. NOW!_

"Oh shut up, Louis!" I said angrily which made four heads snap into my direction. "He apologized. He was drunk as well and it was my mistake. So leave him alone," I lied. My mistake? None of it had been my mistake, other than making out with this idiot a week ago.

"Your mistake? You told him about six times to stop and he didn't! What the fuck are you talking about?" Louis glared at me, but it wasn't an accusatory glare. It was more of a _'what the fuck do you think you're doing, going out with this idiot when you clearly hated him'_ look.

"Shut it, Louis! This is none of your business, okay? It never was and it never will be! Get it?" Louis face hardened and he folded his arms, taking a step back from Xander and looking almost put out.

"Fine. Get laid by a douche like him. But don't you dare complain about it afterwards!"

"As if I would complain about anything to you!" I scoffed "Come on, Xander! We're going home. I just don't feel like company anymore." I grabbed his hand and made my way to the door.

"Harry! Wait!" Liam shouted, but I ignored him and his dumbass of brother, stalking out of the flat and dragging Xander with me.   
______________________________

When we arrived in front of my flat, I let Xander's hand go. It was the first time I faced him since we left Liam's apartment. And then it hit me. All of a sudden I gripped his head and smashed our lips together eagerly. I knew I had to do this. I had to stop thinking about Louis and I was sure there was only one thing that would me help to do it. Sex. I had to sleep with Xander. Louis was right when he told me that I'm too old to be a virgin. I had to get rid of it, and Xander wanted me, so that was all that mattered to me.

"Sleep with me..." I said with a shaky voice.

 

"Okay," Xander exhaled before bringing my lips back to his forcefully.


	10. Chapter 10 - Fear and Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning pertaining to no consent, panic attacks, discussion and carrying out of eating disorders, etc.***

*****Trigger Warning pertaining to no consent, panic attacks, discussion and carrying out of eating disorders, etc.*****

We stopped making out long enough for me to unlock the door, and Xander was mouthing at my neck the whole time, not letting me off the hook at all. Deep in the back of my mind, there was a part of me screaming that I was insane and that this wasn't going to solve anything, but that was beside the point. As soon as the door was closed behind us, we were kissing again, slowly making our way through mine and Nick's darkened flat to my bedroom. I knew that Nick was at work, and it was probably better that way. Didn't need him seeing this.

"You're so fucking hot, damn," Xander said into my mouth, moaning as our crotches brushed together. I tore myself from him and dragged him into my bedroom, turning on a small light so I could at least see where I was. Xander pushed me down onto my own bed forcefully and hovered over me, not wasting any time as he dove down, kissing me and pushing his tongue inside my mouth. I could feel myself hardening up, but something felt off. Couldn't quite put my finger on it, though, so I just settled for grabbing Xander and pulling him flat on top of me so that our bodies were pressing together. I could feel the line of his cock on my thigh. He was fucking hard as hell, and bigger than I had expected.

"I...we need...protection, yeah?" I stuttered out, and he responded by biting down on my lower lip harshly, causing me to whimper.

"Want you to feel me...you want that, I know you do." He growled. He sat up and stripped himself completely, even his boxers, and now he was eyeing me hungrily. I swallowed hard as he leaned back over me and pulled me up by my shirt, literally ripping it in half and tearing it off my body with his bare hands. His hands traveled down to my zipper but he stopped moving, his eyes lingering on my hips.

"Didn't think a guy with such nice lips would have such chubby hips. Not really what you want on a guy, but I guess I can overlook it this one time. Gotta lose weight, though, babe," Xander mused, pinching at my hips. My throat got tight and I bit my lip, not sure how to respond. I didn't want to believe what he said, but why would he say it if it wasn't true? At this moment, I knew that I didn't want this, not at all. I needed to get out.

Xander unzipped my jeans and pulled them down along with my boxers, and my half hard cock sprung free. Xander licked his lips hungrily and smashed his lips back onto mine, our cocks rubbing together between our bodies. But it didn't sent a shiver of arousal down my body, it sent blind panic. No. I had to get out of this.

"No...please stop. I don't want this..." I tried to say, but Xander sucked my tongue into his mouth, cutting me off.

"Of course you do, babe, just lay still and let me do my thing."

I shook my head furiously as his lips started traveling down my body. I could hardly breathe with how terrified I was. Fucking hell, I was going to have a panic attack if this didn't stop.

"I don't. I don't want...stop. You need to stop." I tried to sound forceful, but my voice was shaking too much. Xander did stop, however, and looked up at me, his smirk becoming more pronounced.

"Gonna come for me already? Guess you're not much of a grower or a shower, then? Alright, I'll just fuck you."

"NO!" I practically yelled, but it was no use. Xander was already prepping himself, stroking along his length to get himself fully hard and lubed up with precome. I struggled to get free, but his hands shot out and gripped me roughly, holding me down to the bed as he lined himself up. I struggled more, yelling as loudly as I could.

"Fuck, no, I don't w-want it...leave me alone...let me go...please!" By now I was on the verge of tears, my heart pounding out of my chest and my breaths wheezing in and out of my chest in a panicked way. I could feel Xander's tip at my hole and I clenched my eyes shut, knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop this.

"GET THE HELL OFF OF HIM, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" A voice bellowed and suddenly Xander was being ripped off of me by someone. My panicked breathing became more pronounced in my terror as I heard Xander hit the floor and someone's hand was on my arm, but I jerked myself away from them, tears spilling over and sliding down my cheeks.

"Harry...Haz, love, it's me, it's Nick," Nick's soothing voice reached my ears but I was still so terrified and I couldn't move. I could hear Xander picking up his clothes as Nick shoved him towards the door.

"Pathetic fuck anyway, not even good looking, fat as hell, god, why did I even bother?" Xander yelled as Nick growled and literally pounced on him, taking him to the floor. A few minutes later, the front door slammed and someone came back into the room. I could barely see anything, as my eyes were filled with tears, and I could hardly breathe.

"Harry, I'm right here, you're alright, I won't let him hurt you...Breathe, love, breathe for me." Nick was there, he was pulling me into his arms, not giving a care in the world to the fact that I wasn't wearing anything, he was rocking me back and forth gently as I cried, but I couldn't relax...I couldn't calm down. I had almost just gotten fucking raped and I was so pathetic that I couldn't do anything to stop it.

"He...he's right...M'fat...ugly...m'pathetic...fucking h-hate myself..." I choked out, and Nick clutched me tighter, shushing me gently. I held onto him, never wanting to let go. He was the only one who cared...the only one who gave a fuck about me. First Louis, now Xander...was I even worth it?

"No you're not. You're Harry fucking Styles and you're beautiful and wonderful, don't ever say that about yourself. Don't hate yourself, it wasn't your fault." Nick said fiercely, while still keeping a soothing tone and rubbing my back.

"B-but..." I mumbled, but Nick shushed me again, kissing my head and hugging me tightly.

"No more, Haz. It's alright...I'm here."

Eventually, I managed to stop crying, though my entire body was still shaking and I had an iron grip on Nick. He didn't protest once, instead picking me up in his arms and carrying me to his room. He put me down gently on the bed and hurried for the kitchen, coming back moments later with some water, a piece of bread, and some clothes for me. I scrambled into the clothes and then sat on the edge of the bed, not saying much. Nick offered me the water and the bread, smiling kindly.

"Here, love. Drink this and eat this. You'll feel better if you do."

I shook my head furiously, shoving his hand away. I didn't want it...not after what Xander had said about my body. I had to eat less. Nick's smile vanished and he looked hurt and concerned, but he set both things down on the bedside cabinet. He reached out to touch me comfortingly, but I shied away from him. He didn't look surprised, and he sighed, making his way to a chair at the other side of the room. I sat up weakly to protest. This was his room, he should be sleeping in his bed, but he held up a hand.

"Don't worry about me. Just try to get some sleep, alright? I'll be right over here if you need me." He said softly, and I bit my lip, nodding and curling up in a ball, hugging the pillow. Nick was asleep in seconds, and that's when I started crying again. I bit down on the pillow, trying to muffle the sound. I didn't want to wake him up. He needed his sleep. I could manage without if I had to, but I wasn't going to make him suffer because I was a pathetic idiot. Eventually, exhaustion overtook me, and I fell asleep.

____________

Everyone thought I was fine, or at least, they didn't act like they thought anything was wrong. I knew that what I was feeling, what I was doing to myself, was all wrong, but I couldn't help it. I had to do what was necessary, even if it was frowned upon. I had no choice.

I acted normal around Liam. I went to classes and I would go out to lunch with him and I would eat whatever he was having. But then I'd go home later that night and stare in the mirror and wipe away the tears from my eyes as the voices in my head screamed about how horrible I looked, how fat and ugly I was.

I didn't have to see Louis, so that was sort of a plus, but at the same time it sucked. No matter what the idiot did to me I still had feelings for him and I couldn't make them go away. My last ditch attempt had failed in a huge way and there was nothing left to do about it. My only hope was to go around acting like nothing had happened and that what I was feeling wasn't real in the hopes that one day, it would actually go away.

If anyone would have noticed that something was off, it should have been Nick. The man lived with me for god's sake. But no, even he hadn't said a word, and in a way, I was grateful. I shouldn't have to explain myself to him, and even if he had asked and I had tried, I wouldn't have been able to find words that truly justified the situation. Maybe it was justified to me, but it wouldn't have been to him.

I was sitting on my bed a few weeks after the incident, trying to force myself to get up and go to the mirror. I had to examine...had to see if what I was doing was working. I finally worked up the courage and took my shirt off, walking over slowly to the mirror in the back corner of my room. I stared at myself, a mix of disgust, anger, and undefined pain coursing through my body. I had eaten lunch with Liam earlier today, and I could almost see the weight it had put onto my hips. My eyes filled with tears, but they were a mix of sad and angry tears. _Don't fucking pity yourself,_ said the voice in my head. It's _not like it's anyone's fault but yours. This was your choice. No one forced you to eat that garbage all these years, and this here is the price. You're fat._

I crossed my arms over my naked tummy, trying to cover it, but the voice kept going with more gusto this time, all while I was fighting not to cry. _You're so fucking UGLY, can't you see that? There's fat everywhere. You can't even see your collar bones clearly...you have to see them! Do something about it!_

Tears leaked onto my cheeks as I touched the barely visible contours just below my neck. My stomach twisted in pain, but I continued to trail my fingers down my body, pinching fat here and there. I spun around once or twice, noticing every fat part of my body. Why was I such a shitty person? Why was I so fat and ugly?

 _Shouldn't have eaten that pizza today, I reckon,_ the voice continued, sounding satisfied with itself. _You're so weak. You're a loser and now you're even fatter than you were this morning. Stop fucking crying, you don't deserve the pity. This is your fault, and your fault alone._

"Harry? Dinner's ready!" Nick shouted from the kitchen, sounding tired but excited. Must have made his favorite dish or something. Fuck...there was no way I could eat anything, not after the enormous lunch I'd had. How could I get out of this?

I turned to my dresser, pulling out basketball shorts and t-shirt, throwing them on and tugging on my running shoes. I opened my door as quietly as I could and made for the front door, hoping I could sneak out without him noticing, but it was no use.

"Love, where are you off to? I just finished dinner!" Nick looked at me questioningly as he spotted me from the kitchen. I could have just run for it, but something in his voice made me stop. I couldn't just leave. Had to have an excuse.

"I...umm...totally forgot that I have to pick up some books at the library. I need them tonight or I won't be able to finish my project," I lied quickly, and Nick came into the hallway, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Aha...and you do that in your sports clothes?" He raised an eyebrow at me and I spoke as quickly as I could.

"Umm...yeah. I thought maybe I could combine things. Need some fresh air as well, maybe a run." Fuck, I was such a bad liar. I was too stupid to make up a simple lie, how pathetic could I get?

"Harry..."

"Nick, I really have to go. It's almost 8PM and you know the library won't be open much longer..."

"Take your shoes off and sit down. We're eating now." Nick said forcefully, reaching for me in a kind way, but I backed up. I was almost panicking...I had to leave, had to get away from the food. My stomach was about ready to die from hunger, but I had to ignore it.

"Nick...I need these books, I'm serious. Please, I have to go..."

"So...I let you get the books, and then you'll be back and we can have dinner?"

I nodded. Thank god, he was buying my lie. "Sure...smells amazing." Fuck, no...that was almost too much. I was getting too obvious.

"Alright then. I'll drive you and we can come back and eat together. Let me get the food out of the oven really quickly..."

"No!" I basically yelled, a bit too drastically. "I...I mean it's fine. I like to run...no need to drive me."

"Okay, stop it, Harry. I'm serious. Do you think I'm stupid?" I blushed and shook my head, but he apparently wasn't finished. "I thought this was over years ago, Harry. I thought you were alright! But you don't think I can't see it? Do you think that I don't notice that you've only eaten an apple, some grapes, and a bit of soup in the last couple days? Do you think I don't see your red eyes, that I don't hear you crying for hours at night? Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you?"

His look was one of such intensity that it made me shiver. I felt trapped, and the hallway seemed so small all of a sudden. Nick didn't have a right to tell me what to do, no matter what. He wasn't my brother, my boyfriend, my father, any of those things. This was my life, my decision, if you could call it a decision. It was more like an urge...an unfightable urge, something I couldn't even control anymore. But I shook my head. I didn't think he was dumb, I just sort of hoped that he hadn't noticed.

"I can see you...you're so skinny, it's only been a few weeks but it's plain as day. I thought you were better! What happened? Please talk to me!"

I didn't want to talk to him. He wouldn't understand, no one would.

"That's none of your business...leave me the fuck alone," I growled, but Nick took a step closer, not backing down.

"Actually, it is my business. I'm your friend and I care about you!"

"I never asked if you 'cared about me'" I imitated his voice, quoting with my fingers. Nick sighed, looking sadly at me.

"I know you wouldn't. In your world, you're not good enough. You have to take all of the weight on your shoulders alone and fuck anyone who tries to help. But in my world, I care for you. Friends are supposed to be there for your friends...so let me help you!"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" I yelled at him, running back up the hallway to my room and slamming the door behind me. Who did he think he was, trying to help me? Trying to be nice, kind, caring, all of that. He couldn't do anything for me! He didn't know anything...didn't have to live in my body every day and see all the fat on it, feel all the hatred that I felt for myself. He had no idea.

Nick opened the door without even knocking. Fuck, I had forgotten to lock it. I whipped around and glared at him.

"Get the hell out of my room."

"No. You're going to come out here and you'll sit with me at the table and we will eat dinner together, even if I have to feed you like a fucking baby. I don't care. I'm not going to sit here and watch you starve yourself because you think you're fat, which by the way is fucking ridiculous!" He didn't waste any time, but lunged forward, grabbed my arm, and began to drag me to the kitchen, resisting all of my attempts to get away from him.

"Let me go!" I shouted, tugging at his fingers, but he wasn't giving up. He turned to face me, his features looking angry for the first time since we had started this conversation.

"You're gonna sit the fuck down and eat. This isn't funny anymore. You're going to eat with me, or I'm calling your mum. I'm sure she will be pleased to hear about how her son is developing since starting at University. I'm sure she will be so happy to get in contact with your old therapist." He spat, and I stopped struggling at once, gaping at him. He wouldn't actually do that...would he?

He looked me dead in the eye, knowing what I was thinking. He had always been able to read me like a fucking book. "Eat with me and I won't call her."

"I'm not even hungry..." I whispered, so quietly that I wasn't sure if Nick had even heard what I had said. Apparently, he had, because he slowly lead me over to the table and let my wrist go, sitting me down in a chair.

"How can you not be hungry, Harry? You haven't eaten properly in days..." His tone was much softer than it had been moments ago, but I stayed quiet, not able to speak. Nick walked into the kitchen and came back with two plates. He sat one down for himself and then walked over to me, putting the other down in front of me. It had salad, potatoes, and some meat on it, and looked amazing. Nick had always been an excellent cook, and had taught me a few things, but I couldn't. I couldn't eat all of that, there was no way.

"Please, love, eat it. For me." He touched my arm encouragingly and I swallowed hard, looking from Nick to the plate of food. If I ate the salad and the potatoes, I could leave the meat. _Potatoes have less calories than meat, but fuck...it's evening, I can't eat potatoes. Can't eat carbs in the evening, cause that will stop me from being able to burn the fat. Maybe I can eat half the meat..._

I knew that it wouldn't satisfy Nick. He wanted me to eat all of it, and I knew that, but I couldn't do it. Panic rose in my chest as I thought about the slice of pizza and the apple I had eaten today...I was fat enough already from that without adding this to it. Just those two things alone were 400 calories. This meal was 600 calories by itself, and that would make a total of 1000 calories. I couldn't eat that much, that would be insane.

_Okay, so stick to the salad. It's probably only 50-60 calories. Yes...that's fine...you can just eat..._

"Harry, please eat..." Nick looked really worried, but I was scared. It wasn't him who'd get fat from eating all of this, it was me. I had a right to be scared.

 _Okay, so that's 50+100+300 = 450 calories...50 more than your daily limit_...fuck I couldn't do this. My hand trembled, hovering inches from my fork, and I didn't come out of my thoughts until I tasted blood on my lip. I had been biting it so hard in concentration and nervousness that I had split it. Oh well.

"Please eat, Hazza...I'm begging." Nick said again, his eyes looking glassy, almost like he was about to start crying. I didn't want him to cry over my life. One bite, to make him happy. Just one...I could do that. I picked up my fork, gripping it tightly, and picked up a piece of tomato from the salad. I hesitated for another moment, and then popped it into my mouth.

 _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15..._ I swallowed. I had this rule that I chewed things at least 15 times before swallowing, because it guaranteed that I wouldn't eat too fast, and I could still enjoy the meal without wanting to throw up.

"Try the meat, love. It's really good...made it in your favorite sauce, just for you." Nick encouraged, and I glanced from him to the meat on my plate. I didn't doubt his words for a moment. Nick was an outstanding cook, and he always made the best sauces to soak the meats in. My favorite meal of his was pasta with spinach and cheese sauce the most, but I couldn't even remember when I'd had it last. Might have been right after Liam moved to London...which would make it mere weeks ago. But even then I had been dealing with this a lot better than I was right now. I could do this. I had to try it for him.

I picked up the knife and cut a small piece of meat, putting it in my mouth, chewing slowly.

_You can do this...1, 2, 3,_

Fuck...I couldn't...My eyes were filling with tears as I tried to keep chewing, but I just couldn't force myself. Damn, I couldn't cry in front of him...I couldn't let him see me like this...

"Harry..." Nick said, his voice sad. He had seen me...fuck. But he wasn't mad or anything...his hand rested gently on my arm in comfort. I took a deep breath and finished chewing, swallowing hard and fighting back tears as best I could.

"Don't cry, love, don't cry..." he said, trying to soothe me, but that was when I lost it. Nick was at my side in seconds, hugging me and stroking my hair, but it did nothing to stop the hate. I hated myself for all of this, and it wasn't even my fault. It was all Louis' fault. Well, this time it had been Xander who had started up my self-hatred again, but it had all started with Louis. Had Louis never said those horrible things about me, I never would have had trouble eating in the first place and this wouldn't be happening. I would be happy.

"Just w-want to be happy...wanna be good looking and happy...is th-that too much to ask?" I sobbed, and Nick didn't say anything. He just held me in his arms and let me cry. At this point, there was only one thing I knew for sure, and that was that this pain that I was feeling was never going to go away. Ever.


	11. Chapter 11 - I Don't Need You

The day Nick basically forced me to eat dinner with him changed a lot of things. We spent almost four hours talking about how he could help me. I wasn't excited about it, but deep down, I knew he was right. I was destroying myself and I had to stop it. All I wanted was to be happy and I hated feeling ugly, but Nick said that I wasn't, and I trusted him, more or less. Since then, I had good days and bad days. Nick and I fought a lot and I was pretty sure that sometimes he was about to quit, because I sure didn't make it easy for him. It was like there were two voices in my head. One of them always told me to eat, because I needed to eat to stay healthy, and the other one was telling me how fat I looked and that I had to stop eating. But because he was a good friend and genuinely cared for me, Nick didn't give up, and things got better slowly. I still went for a run two or three times a week, but I was definitely eating more. It would be a lie if I said I wasn't struggling, but I was getting better, and that's what mattered. 

I grabbed my sweater from my bed and slipped it on before making my way to the front door.

"Nick? I'm going over to Liam's," I shouted towards Nick's room, where he was working on new ideas for his latest collection.

"Sure. Have fun and tell him that I said hi!"Nick yelled back as I closed the door behind me. I plugged my earphones in and hit the play button on my phone. A cover of Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" started to play, the music filling my ears.

_I thought I saw a man brought to life_

_He was warm, he came around like he was dignified_

_He showed me what it was to cry_

 

_Well you couldn't be that man that I adored_

_You don't seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for_

_I don't know him anymore_

 

_There's nothin' where he used to lie_

_Our conversation has run dry_

_That's what's goin' on_

_Nothing's fine_

 

_I'm torn_

This was definitely the soundtrack to my life right now, or more exactly, whatever the hell was going on between Louis and me.  What had happened to us? I remembered how we used to spent nearly every day together when we were younger. It was always Louis who made me feel safe and secure. On my first day of school I couldn't stop crying because I was so afraid, even though Liam was with me. My teacher asked if she should call my mom, but all I wanted was Louis. When I broke my arm during soccer practice at the age of 9, I wanted Louis to comfort me. When I heard that my granddad had passed away, I ran over to Louis' house and he just sat there, rubbing my back and telling me that everything would be fine. And he was right. And when I fell in love with Louis back then, I was pretty sure that I could never love anyone else. I just couldn't even think that it would be possible for me to find someone who made me feel the way he did. The day we kissed for the first time was the best day of my life. It felt like I was finally complete. Louis had always been the missing piece to me...and now I was here, confronted with a guy who simply wasn't the Louis that I used to know, but I was still into him, so much that it hurt most of the time.  All I wanted was going back to being little. I missed that Louis. I just couldn't understand how he could become so cold. He didn't seem to care about me anymore and I couldn't tell why. He used me. He fooled me. He didn't give a shit about me and my feelings.

_I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I am shamed_

_Lying naked on the floor_

_Illusion never changed_

 

_Into something real_

I replayed the song over and over again until I finally arrived at Liam's and Louis' flat. I was soaked because it had started snowing while I was walking over here. I sighed as I knocked on the door. Only a few seconds later I was facing a blonde Irish lad. Great. Not only did I have to deal with Louis, but now I had to deal with Niall as well.  Maybe I should be thankful somehow, because if he hadn't sent Louis that text, I probably would have given Louis my virginity, but I just couldn't look at Niall without feeling angry.

"Harry! Nice to see you again," Niall smiled at me. How the fuck could he smile at me...like what the fuck? I wanted to yell and scream in his face that he had been in on Louis' plan the whole time and that he was a complete asshole for letting me get sucked in like that, but I couldn't. 

"Hi," I mumbled and made my way into the living room where Liam was curled up in Zayn's lap (of course). Louis was fumbling with the big TV, which was hanging on the wall.

"Harry! It's so great to see you!" Liam exclaimed with a beaming smile, and he jumped up and came over to me, giving me a tight hug.

"Seems like Xander makes use of most of your precious time," he added with a smirk. I didn't say anything to that, because the mere mention of his name just made me shiver. 

"Are you okay? You're shivering," Liam noticed, looking at me in concern.

"I...'M just cold," I replied, trying my best to hide how horrible I felt right now. Liam put a hand on my arm and his eyebrows went up in surprise. 

"You're soaking wet! Didn't realize that it was snowing that bad. Give me a second, I can get you a dry sweater to wear." He tousled my hair, hurrying off down the hallway. 

 _Maybe you would have noticed if your lips weren't attached to your boyfriend 24/7_ , I thought to myself. I didn't want to be mad at Liam. I mean, I was happy that he was happy with Zayn, but we didn't spent much time alone anymore. It's like I had to deal with Zayn if I wanted to see my best friend. It was exhausting. I just needed time with my best friend again, just him and me. That's why I was really looking forward to our skiing trip next weekend. Liam's parents had a fancy house in the mountains, which they offered us for the trip. It had an inside pool and even a whirlpool and a sauna. It was a great chance to escape from my problems for a few days, and those problems included Louis.

I turned to face the other boys. Zayn gave me a quick smile and nodded in my direction. Louis was staring at me, and this made me fucking uncomfortable. Why was he always staring at me? I waved at them quickly, trying to fake a smile. The last time I had seen them, Louis and Xander nearly got into a fight and I acted like a bitch in front of them. I felt a bit embarrassed, thinking of that, but neither of them had time to say anything, because Liam came running into the room at that moment. 

"Here, this one should fit," Liam said, handing a sweater over to me.

"Thanks, Li," I said gratefully as I started to pull off my damp one.  Being the clumsy idiot that I was, one of my arms got entangled in my sweater. I must have looked like a real idiot trying to get it off, but I finally managed to get it over my head.  Louis was still staring at me, but his expression has changed. He looked a bit mad, but he also looked concerned, and I wasn't sure why.

"Do you wanna take a picture? It will last longer," I snapped, glaring at him, and he swallowed, his eyes still locked on me. That's when I realized that, in my effort to take off my sweater, my shirt had gotten stuck to it, and my entire torso was now exposed to the room at large.  Oh my god...he had a fucking panoramic view of my chubby tummy, and I even asked him if he wanted to take a picture. Louis was disgusted by what he had seen, no wonder he was looking at me like that. Slightly panicking, I adjusted my shirt and tried to hide the fact that tears were building in my eyes.  I was such a fucking baby. I looked away from Louis and my eyes met Liam's, who was looking at me with a similar expression.

"Fuck Harry. Do you even eat? You must have lost about 8 pounds, at least!" Liam came back over to me, but I simply stepped back. I didn't want anyone to touch me. But were they right? Had I lost weight? That would be amazing...cause I definitely needed to lose some. 

"Harry, I am talking to you!" Liam added, his voice getting higher with concern.

"I..." I stumbled over my words, trying to come up with something fast. "I don't know? Haven't noticed it too much. Maybe it's the stress at University?"

 _Wow, very convincing Harry_. I could slap myself for that.

"Or maybe it's the fact that you go for a run nearly 3-4 times a week and don't eat properly?" Liam countered, looking me up and down again.

"That's bullshit," I lied right to his face. There was nothing left to do, unless I told them the truth, which I definitely did not want to do.  I was pretty positive that Liam wouldn't buy it. He had been my best friend for almost 20 years now, and we knew each other very well, most definitely well enough to tell when the other one was lying. 

"Did the bastard Xander tell you that you have to lose weight?" Louis tossed in, and he sounded really mad.

"W-What?" Fuck. Louis didn't know how right he was with his guess. At least, Xander was _part_ of the reason. "N-No!"

"You're the worst liar ever, Harry," Louis said, his eyes still on me, but he looked worried. Why was he fucking worried? This guy was so bipolar.

"We should order Pizza and Ice-cream then. I mean, if Harry needs to gain weight again, that's how I'd do it. I always feel better with a full stomach," Niall exclaimed. I had almost forgotten about him being here, but I shook my head furiously. There was no way that I was ordering food, especially not that kind of food.

"I already ate at home...with...Nick. But you can order something. I don't mind."

"Okay, then you won't have a problem when I call Nick and ask him about that," Liam said while he fumbled in his pocket for his phone. 

"What? Why?" I asked, panicked. He couldn't call Nick, because Nick wouldn't lie for me if it was about this situation. 

"Why not? Do you have something to hide? Did you lie about eating?" Liam scoffed, and he sounded annoyed, which really bothered me. Was he just annoyed that now he was saddled with me and didn't get to spend his time with Zayn? Was I that much of a burden to him?

"Okay, just stop. Now. You're making him uncomfortable. Can't you see it? I wouldn't want to discuss something like this in front of people I barely know either," Louis jumped in to defend me and I blushed furiously, confused even more. Why was he defending me? Why was he not making fun of me for my fat, like he normally would?

"I can leave you guys alone, if you want?" Niall suggested, looking at Louis as though waiting for further instructions. _No. Jesus. Please don't leave, Niall._ I started biting my cheek nervously.

"No. I think we can talk about this another time. Let's just change the topic," Louis tried to soothe the situation, but Liam continued to glare at me and I knew he was disappointed. But who the fuck was he to judge me? I was disappointed as well. I had barely seen him within the last couple of weeks. I missed my best friend so much, yet he didn't even seem to notice, being so wrapped up in his boyfriend. 

"I am really looking forward to the weekend," Zayn exclaimed enthusiastically, and I was glad that we were moving on to another topic.

"What are you going to do on the weekend? Planning to party a lot while I take care of your better half?" I asked him with a smirk, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Um..." Zayn shifted uncomfortably, looking over to Louis and then back to Liam. "Haven't you told him?" he mumbled to Liam quietly, but still loud enough that I could catch it.

"Umm...Harry..." Liam started, his voice sounding almost nervous. "I forgot to tell you...Zayn and Louis will be coming with us. Mom and Dad promised them a while back that they could have the house this weekend, and then also promised us...It's still big enough for all of us, though, and I promise you we'll have some alone time!"

I gaped at him. He was fucking joking, right? Not only that I would have to deal with his fucking boyfriend for three days in a row...but also his brother, who was just the person that I wanted to get away from! This was not fucking happening. 

"You're okay with it, aren't you? I mean it's the only free weekend you have and we've had it planned for ages," Liam added. "Besides,  it's Zayn's and my 3-month-anniversary on Saturday. I'd love to spend some time with him on this special day."

No one said anything. This was getting more and more ridiculous with every second. He planned on spending time with Zayn on OUR weekend? He forgot to tell me about it? He must have been kidding. If they were coming, we might as well just stay here, since they were always here when I came over anyway.

"We won't be in your way. You can have Friday and Sunday together. I just want to spend the day with Li on Saturday," Zayn said softly, and I was pretty sure that he could see how annoyed I was about this. 

"Sure, just Saturday," I grumbled, and Zayn looked a bit confused because of my reaction. "Go for it. You know what - you can even have him Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I'll stay at home." I was so mad. All I wanted was a weekend with my best friend and now I would have deal with his boyfriend and Louis as well? No. I wouldn't spent money on spending time with them. I needed to talk to Liam _alone_. I had to get so many things off my chest and this was supposed to be OUR weekend.

"Harry, what the fuck is wrong with you? Can you please apologize to Zayn? You're being fucking rude!" Liam said, glaring at me. ME? Rude? This was the biggest joke ever. I was incredibly mad at him for not even fucking telling me that this was happening, and just going along with it as though it were no big deal.

"I'm rude? Wow. You know what? Fuck you, Liam!" I growled at him and turned on my heel, heading for the door, but Liam grabbed my arm roughly and spinning me around. 

"What is your fucking problem?! You're acting like a complete prick," he barked at me. That was enough. The last few weeks, dealing with Xander and Louis and Liam and his fucking perfect boyfriend, everything was just too much. Every time, everything was my fault. But this time it wasn't my fault at all, and I just snapped.

"What's my problem? Hmm... let me think. Maybe you haven't noticed, but you're the one who's been acting like a _prick..._ ever since you started dating Zayn. I don't even have a chance to talk to my _best friend_ alone anymore. He's with you 24/7. I fucking needed you the last couple of weeks, but you weren't there. I called you at least 40 times because I needed someone, my best friend, to talk to, but you always told me it was a bad time, that I should call later. You don't even care about me anymore. I didn't say anything about it  because I wanted you to be happy, but apparently you can't have more than one important person in your li-"

"Oh stop it. Are you jealous of me being happy with Zayn? Is THAT your problem?" Liam shot back, still gripping onto my arm in a vice-like grip.

"Stop being ridiculous. That has nothing to do with jealousy. It has everything to do with you choosing between Zayn and me. You chose him over our friendship all the fucking time and I hate it." I felt tears in my eyes. Thinking about the truth hurt, but talking about it was even worse.

"I'm ridiculous!? You're ridiculous! I didn't choose anyone, for fuck's sake! Shit...you're so frustrating, Harry. What is wrong with you? Maybe I should call Xander, because you definitely need someone to fuck your brains out. Maybe that might help you to be back to normal again!" Liam growled in a harsh tone. He definitely hit a nerve, that's for sure. More tears were burning in my eyes. Louis, Niall and Zayn were standing next to a wall, just watching me and Liam fighting. It seemed like none of them dared speak up.

"You care about me?" I asked Liam in such a quiet tone that I wasn't sure if he even heard it.

"Don't be stupid, Harry. Of course I do."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure. If you really cared for me, you would have noticed that I stopped dating Xander two weeks ago. And I don't need anyone to _fuck my brains out,_ thank you."

"What?"Louis spoke up at last, looking at me with a strange expression. Why did he care? It was none of his business. Did he feel good about me failing another relationship?

"You stopped dating Xander?" Liam asked, but when I thought this would have calmed down our fight, I was completely wrong. "Why? Is that the reason why you're so jealous of Zayn and me!?"

"For fuck's sake, I am NOT jealous! We...We just didn't fit together, okay!?" I stumbled over my words, holding back tears as best I could. 

"Yeah...you know, this is your fucking problem, Harry. No one is good enough for you! You can't blame me just because I'm not as picky as you are and I found someone I truly love! You're not God or something like that. You have to get off your high horse and actually get to know a person before throwing them out onto the street because you don't like them."

Was he serious? Was he fucking serious right now?

"Oh gosh. Trust me...I don't think I'm a god or anything like that," I said thickly, feeling extremely hurt. How could Liam out of all the people claim that I was smug? I fucking hated every single part of myself, and even though Liam didn't know that, I still hated him for saying it like that. 

"At least you're not a virgin anymore, so you've got that going for you." The words slipped out of Liam's mouth before he register what he was saying.  I gaped at him and Louis gaped at me. Fucking great. Right now, I could safely say that Louis wasn't the biggest jerk on this planet...his brother was. I swallowed hard and one tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. Damn it.

"Harry, I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that," Liam spoke up in a strangled voice, trying to reach for me, but I pulled away roughly.

"Don't you dare touch me," I growled, trying to sound menacing, but I was pretty sure it came out as tearful.  

"Harry..." he said as he tried again to reach for me, but I just stepped back even further.

"Liam, leave him alone. He said he doesn't want you to touch him. Respect his boundaries," Louis stepped in and now stood between Liam and me, still looking at me in shock. Liam had just...he told my biggest secret, the fucking idiot. I couldn't believe it. Despite my best efforts, I could feel more tears on my cheeks, and I tried to swallow the giant lump in my throat. 

"You know what, Liam? You're wrong. I didn't have sex with Xander. You can go out there and tell it everyone, I don't even fucking care anymore. I don't care about _your_ opinion anymore. Xander almost raped me, and if Nick hadn't come home from work, I would have been in a very bad place. But he was there and he stopped it, because he actually fucking cares about me! He wasn't too occupied with his boyfriend to notice that I wasn't dating Xander because I had feelings for him. Quite the opposite, actually. I fucking dated him because I thought I'd be finally be able to get over your stupid brother, but apparently I'm even too stupid for that. If you cared, you would have noticed that I fucking fell in love with your fucking brother years ago. If you even gave a damn about me, you would have been there to save me!"

All of the four boys were staring at me, and slowly, I realized what I had just said. I had just told them about Xander being a rapist, and, if anything could be worse than that, I told them that I was way too far gone for Louis. I had thought that my life couldn't get any worse...I was wrong.

"Is it true?" Louis, who was currently looking at his brother like he was insane, looked at me in shock. I wasn't sure whether he was talking about the rape thing, me being in love with him, or me being a virgin. I went with the obvious answer.

"What? That I'm still a fucking virgin? That you were right when you called me that a few weeks ago? Yeah, it's fucking true. And it's _your_ fucking fault, Louis." I snapped, and he looked quite taken aback.

"No, no I wasn't talking about that, I was talk-" Louis tried to say, his voice kind of timid, but I cut him off.

"You broke my heart. I thought we were different, for fuck's sake! I thought what we had was different. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you, but then you came and ripped my heart out. And even though you're the biggest jerk on earth, I never got over you. I never trusted anyone enough to have sex with them after you made my life a living hell. It's your fault that I am who I am today. I'm an emotional wreck. I never could love anyone else, because my stupid heart decided to stay addicted to you and your perfect body, your perfect hair, your perfect fucking voice, every part of you, and I hate myself so much for that. And if that isnt' enough, Liam had to move in with you years later and I had to deal with you all over again. And what do you do? You decide to act like it's funny to fool me. You fucking kissed me. We almost had sex, Louis. SEX! I nearly gave you my virginity! If there's an award for the biggest idiot on earth, I definitely deserve it. I fucking thought you had changed since then, but you haven't. When you had those two guys over to fuck the shit out of them, I knew that you most definitely hadn't changed. I thought Xander could help me to get over you, but guess what? Apparently, I'm a magnet for assholes. So yes. I am a virgin, and at this point I think I hate you the most, because it's your fucking fault. Everything is your fault. You're the reason why I hate my body, you're the fucking reason why I almost got raped, and you're the reason why I relapsed. So please, do me a favor and stop making fun of me for being who I am, because you made me this way. Just stay the hell away from me."

"Harry..." Louis spoke up, actual tears in his eyes. "T-that's not true. I...I'm sorry. I'd never make fun of you for that. I...Did Xander really try...oh fuck, Harry. I...sorry. I am so sorry. I..."

Liam tried to pull me into a hug, seemingly incapable of saying anything to my outburst, but I pushed him away furiously.

"Fuck off, Liam," I said angrily, and Zayn grabbed his arm, pulling him away from me.

"Harry, please..." Louis repeated himself, but I didn't reply. I just grabbed my sweater and left them behind. At this point I was sure I just had fucked up everything, and there was no going back. I'd lost my best friend. I'd lost Louis. I was alone and I didn't know how to deal with it anymore.


	12. Chapter 12 - Stay On Your Side

didn't bother with the bus. I just ran, or rather, stumbled, home. The wind had picked up and the snow was now falling at an angle as I struggled against it, pushing my way through the swirling snow towards mine and Nick's flat. When I reached it, however, I came to the realization that my keys were back at Liam's. There was no way in hell that I was going back there, not after what had just happened. Tear tracks had frozen on my face and I could barely feel my fingers or toes.  I needed to be inside...I needed Nick. 

I knocked on the door but there was no answer. I choked back a sob and kept knocking until my knuckles were red and raw from the cold, but still nothing. I slid down the wall next to the door and curled up in a ball, trying not to let any tears stay in my eyes for too long, in case they decided to freeze there. I don't know how long I was there, but eventually I couldn't even move. I just sat there, cramped and completely frozen to the spot, praying that Nick would open the door. 

I don't remember much after the second hour of waiting. I feel like I must have fallen asleep, because had a very strange dream. I dreamed that I had blown up at Liam and basically outed myself and all my secrets to him and his brother, and then gone home and been locked out. And then my roommate had come back to find me nearly hypothermic on the doorstep and taken me inside and wrapped me in blankets and put me on the couch and turned on the electric fire to warm me up. Very strange dream it was, considering that I wouldn't ever yell at Liam. We were best friends, and we were supposed to be going on a lads weekend, just the two of us, in just a few days.

I opened my eyes blearily and tried to look around, but my neck was extremely stiff and I could only shift it an inch or so. From what I could tell, I was only wearing boxers, but I was wrapped in about ten blankets and I was most definitely not in my room. Warmth was slowly spreading through me, but I had a raging headache and my chest was aching for some reason. And then it hit me. It hadn't been a dream. Everything had been real, it had all actually happened. I felt my eyes automatically well up with tears as all of the emotion that I had held back suddenly hit me like a truck. I cleared my throat, trying to make the pain in my chest go away, but it just wasn't. I couldn't hold it in.

"Harry, love, holy shit you scared the hell out of me!" Nick's voice rang loud and clear in my ears and he appeared in my line of vision, looking terrified out of his mind. I guess he must have seen my face because he was next to me in a second, pulling me into his arms and running a hand through my hair.

"Hey, hey, you're okay. You want to talk about it? Or I can make some tea, or get you some hot chocolate with mint in it, I know you like that..." He rambled, not giving me much room to answer, had I had the energy to. I felt exhausted but I was also hurting too much to sleep, so I just lay across Nick's lap, letting him stroke my hair and wipe away the tears that were on my cheeks.

"I...I told them...told them everything." I finally choked out, and Nick's eyes widened, his hand freezing in my hair.

"Umm...what exactly do you mean by...everything?" He asked slowly, and I swallowed hard, preparing myself for a break down that was sure to come once I started this story.

"All of it...about Xander, and me being a...you know, and about...about being in love with Louis..." My voice cracked on Louis' name and I turned my face into Nick's arm and wincing as my neck ached, already crying harder than I should have been. Nick sighed and rubbed circles on my upper back, trying to soothe me.

"Oh, Harry...what happened? I know for a fact you'd never just blurt that stuff out..." He prompted, and I figured what the hell? I was already a mess, let's just go for the whole thing.

"I...it was wet and snowing and Liam went to get me a jumper. And I was taking it off and I...my chest...everyone could see it. Liam finally took notice to the fact that I was skinnier, which is good, but he acted like it was a huge deal and I didn't know what to do and in all honesty it made me mad that it took him this long to notice, but I shouldn't have been surprised, considering that he spends all his time with his boyfriend anyway. And then he had the audacity to tell me that his fucking boyfriend and Louis were coming with us on our skiing trip and that he was taking a day out to spend with Zayn and I snapped and it all just came out in one big rush and I didn't mean it to happen and I f-fucking hate everything..." I let it all out in one big breath and choked on a sob at the very end. Nick just pulled me into a tight hug and let me rest my head on his shoulder, tears still leaking out of my eyes and onto his shirt. 

"It's gonna be okay, Haz. This can be fixed, I promise you..." Nick started, but I just shook my head, sniffing.

"It's over. I lost my best friend. I lost Louis again, even though I have no idea what I was supposed to have done the first time, since he says it was all my fault anyway, I've lost everything. I've got nothing left." I whispered brokenly into his shoulder.

"You've got me. And I promise, no matter what happens, I won't ever leave you." He replied in a soft tone. I snuggled into his shoulder, a wave of fatigue suddenly hitting me. It was nice and warm on the couch, wrapped in blankets in front of the fire and sitting with Nick, the only person who truly cared about me. My eyes slipped closed and within seconds, I was asleep, and for once, I didn't dream about anything at all.

____________

I woke up again still snuggled up against Nick, who had one arm around me protectively and who was snoring lightly. I turned blearily to look at the clock on the wall, which said 9:13 AM. I winced as I tried to move my stiff legs out of the entanglement of blankets covering me. Nick stirred and opened his eyes slowly, looking down to make sure I was alright. 

"Don't you have work? Did I make you late?" I asked, suddenly frantic, but Nick put a hand on my shoulder and kissed the top of my head gingerly.

"I have off today, Haz, no worries. You stay here, yeah? I'll make us some food. What would you like? And don't you dare say you aren't hungry," He added sternly as I opened my mouth to speak. I closed it again, biting my lip in thought.

"Just...umm, maybe some toast and orange juice?" I suggested half-heartedly, and he nodded with a smile, gently getting up and making sure I was comfortable before moving towards the kitchen. I didn't move an inch from where I was sitting. I just stayed there as the events of the night before played over again in my head. I winced as I remembered the look on Liam's face when he had seen my bare torso, the anger when I had accused him of choosing Zayn over me, and the sadness as he watched me drown in the embarrassment of my big mouth. He had tried to stop me from leaving, though. Did that count as wanting to fix things?

 _No. He treated you like shit, he didn't act like a real friend. You don't need someone like him..._ said a voice in my head, but another one interrupted almost immediately.

_He's been your best friend since forever, and he's never been truly happy in any of his relationships. This seems like his chance, and he's taking it, and you respect that._

_But he doesn't care about me anymore. He didn't even take time to notice that I really needed him._

_For fuck's sake, he's your best friend. You love him, you can fix this._

I shook my head furiously, trying to get them to stop arguing, because it was giving me a headache. I reached for the remote slowly and flipped on the TV, looking for something to watch that would get my mind off of everything.

Nick came back a few minutes later with two pieces of buttered toast and a glass of orange juice, along with a glass of hot tea, and he set them down in front of me, smiling encouragingly. I managed a small twitch of my mouth, picking up the toast and nibbling at it. Nick lounged back on the couch, cracking his back with a sigh of relief and just watching me eat. I knew he wouldn't stop until I had finished, and as it turned out, I was feeling a bit hungry.

There was a knock on the door and my whole body tensed at once. Who was it? What did they want? No one could see me like this, I was an absolute mess, not to mention half naked. Fucking hell...

"Harry, just stay here, alright? I'll see who it is." Nick got up and headed towards the door. I snuggled deeper into my blankets, my hand barely poking out so that I could nibble at my toast.

Nick opened the door and I saw his facial expression change at once, his eyes narrowing. He angled his body and the door so that, from where I was sitting, I couldn't see anything, but that didn't stop my ears from working.

"What are you doing here?" Nick asked, and although his voice was casual, I could sense the bite in it. Whomever it was, it wasn't someone he wanted to see.

"Hey...Umm, I was wondering if Harry was in? I wanted to see him."

My whole body seemed to deflate as Liam's voice reached my ears. He sounded choked up, like he had been crying, and I almost felt bad. But then I remembered all of the horrible things he had said and it didn't help. I swallowed hard, trying not to watch Nick's body movements at the door.

"I don't know if he wants to see you." Nick said curtly, and there was a nervous shuffling on the doorstep.

"I...I know I said some things last night, bad things...and I regret it. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and that I don't want our friendship to end over something like this." Liam said slowly, choosing his words carefully.

"I just don't think it's the best idea right now. He's not...I don't know if he's ready for that. Another time, yeah?" Nick's voice had gone soft now, and I wanted so badly to get up and go to the door myself. Whether I wanted to yell at Liam or hug him I wasn't sure, but I both wanted to see him and wanted to be left alone.

"Okay. Just...give him this. And tell him that he's still welcome on the trip...if he wants to come. Thanks, Nick. See ya later, mate."

With that, Liam was gone and Nick closed the door, a letter held in his hand. I stayed where I was, huddled up on the couch and still finishing that first piece of toast. Nick sighed, running a hand through his hair, and walked back over to me, handing me the paper in his hand. I took it with trembling fingers and opened it slowly.

_Haz,_

_I'm sorry about all the stuff I said. It was stupid and I thought I was justifying myself, but I wasn't. You're right, I do need to spend time away from Z, but it's just...we like each other a lot, it both of our first...real true love feelings relationship, I'm trying, H, I really am. What I said to you...it wasn't right. I'm sorry about not being there for you. I'd rather say the rest in person, if you don't mind. I hope you still come with us...It won't be the same without you there. I know I fucked up but maybe...maybe we can fix it. Love you._

_Li_

I bit down on my lip, folding the paper back up and placing it on the table. Nick was sitting next to me, watching me. I turned to him and opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't get any words out. I took a deep breath in, trying to calm myself down enough to be able to speak, but all I felt was the familiar tightening of my chest that meant I was about to cry...again.

"Haz...love, don't cry. He cares about you, it should make you happy, yeah?" Nick soothed, putting an arm around my shoulders. 

"I don't even know why I'm crying! I shouldn't be!" I practically shouted, furious with myself for being such an emotional sap. I wiped my eyes angrily and folded my arms. "I...I don't want to go."

"You don't want to go where? To the skiing trip?" Nick asked, and I just nodded.

"I don't want to go. Not if...if he's going." I stumbled over my words, almost saying Louis' name, which was a sure fire way to get me crying again. Nick gave my shoulders a squeeze and then turned me so I was facing him, looking him dead in the eye.

"I understand why you don't want to go. Liam will be with Zayn and that will leave you stuck with...Liam's brother. But Liam wants you there, he wants to spend time with you, his best friend. I'm sure you heard everything he said, and let me tell you, the poor kid was a mess. His eyes were red and he looked really exhausted. No matter what he said to you last night, he still cares a hell of a lot. Now, if I were you, I would still go. This would be the perfect time to warm up to him again, to maybe forgive him for some of the things he said, and to maybe try to fix whatever happened with...with Louis." He said the name slowly, as though expecting me to freak out, but I just tightened my lips and nodded, wanting him to go on. "You can do whatever you feel is right, Harry. But that's just a suggestion." 

Nick stood up and offered me his hand. I hesitated, but took it, the blankets falling off of me and my whole body being hit with a wave of cold air. I immediately crossed my arms over my torso, and Nick sighed but didn't protest my movement.

"Let's get you a shower and some clean clothes, and then maybe we can watch a movie or something like that. Just have a Nick and Harry day, you know?"

"That sounds amazing...thank you, Nick...for everything," I mumbled, offering him a small smile, and he smiled in return, heading for his room.

____________

It was Thursday night and I was rummaging through my closet, trying to find warm clothes.

"Nick! I need help..." I called, and I heard footsteps coming down the hallway as Nick approached my room. I pulled my head out of the closet and looked at him in despair.

"I don't know what to pack...I'm still not sure if I should go..." I said, biting my lip and twirling a longer curl around my finger. If I was being honest, I was nervous. I shouldn't have been, but I hadn't seen any of them since that night, and I didn't know how they were going to take my presence on their trip. Would they ignore me? Would they be nice to me?

"Haz, you're going, and that's that. Now let me see...you'll need lots of leggings, probably wool if you're gonna go out skiing, and thick socks and maybe a few flannels, but take some skinnies and nice shirts in case you go out to dinner or something like that. OH, and don't forget your toiletries, and definitely pack this." He opened my bottom desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of lube and a box of condoms, throwing them at me. I gave him a look and he shrugged. "What, you never know when you'll need some. Better safe than sorry, always."

I rolled my eyes and shoved them at the bottom of my bag. For the next hour, Nick threw clothes at me, which I folded and put neatly into my bag, making sure that the lube and condoms were at the bottom. Like I'd be needing them ever again, let alone on this trip. 

I woke early the next morning, Nick shaking me lightly to get me up. Liam was leaving in an hour and I needed to be there on time if I was going with them. I almost decided to say fuck it to the whole thing and stay in bed, but Nick already had my stuff at the door with some food to take with me, and either way I couldn't say no to him. He had been so helpful through everything, and I trusted him with my life. If he said I should go, then I was going, whether I wanted to or not. 

"Good luck, love. Call me when you get there? And don't worry about Louis...I'm sure everything will be just fine." Nick said as he pulled me into a hug. I nodded against his shoulder, swallowing down my fear and nerves, and picked up my bags, walking out to the bus stop to wait.

The longer I was on that bus, the more nervous I got, but I was not getting off and going home. This was going to be good for me and I needed to be strong. Hiding made me look weak and that's not what I wanted. 

I thanked the bus driver and climbed off, hiking up through the parking lot to Liam's car, where I could already make out three people standing around the trunk, packing bags. Liam kept looking around nervously, and then he spotted me when I was about ten feet away, and his face broke into a huge grin. 

"Hey...I...umm, didn't know if you were going to come." He said as he walked over to greet me, holding a hand out for my bag. I just shouldered it more securely and walked past him.

"I wasn't going to just leave you on a weekend we have had planned for ages. That would be stupid, which I am not." I mumbled, and Liam's face only fell a little. It seemed as though he was trying to keep his spirits up for my sake, but I tried to ignore it. I walked right up to the trunk and started putting my bag in it. Louis and Zayn came around the car and stopped abruptly when they saw me. I kept my head down and my eyes averted, not wanting to look at them.

"Hey," Zayn offered as a greeting, and I merely nodded. Louis didn't say a word, but one quick glance at him as I passed to get into the car told me everything I needed to know. In short, he had not expected me to show up. 

"We had better get going, there's supposed to be a huge storm coming in on the mountain today or tomorrow, and we want to beat it there so we aren't stuck on the road." Liam said, and, thank god, he crawled into the back seat with me. Louis slid into the driver's seat and Zayn sat next to him. Zayn's hand slipped behind his seat and Liam took it, rubbing his thumb on the back of Zayn's hand before he let it go. Liam could have had the back with Zayn, or he could have made Louis sit with me, but he didn't. He had chosen to sit me with me. I bit my lip, not saying anything as Louis backed the car out of the parking space and headed off towards the road. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. 

____________

Liam tried to make conversation several times, and though Louis and Zayn both answered him normally, I didn't say a word. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret or get into any fights before we even got there. None of them protested my silence either, so I guess it was just a stand off: who would speak first, me or them. 

We reached the place with little issue, but when we stepped out we were hit with a wave of cold so intense that I actually shivered violently, not wearing my thick coat. We all walked into the main office, where Liam showed the man at the desk the paper work that would allow them to stay in his parent's house. The man smiled, obviously knowing Liam's parents, as they stayed here quite often in the winter, and handed him the key to the house. We all signed that we were staying in the house with Liam and as I went to hand the pen to the next person, Louis' fingers brushed the back of my hand. My stomach felt super weird and I almost sprinted back to the car, not looking at him at all. I couldn't stop my hand from shaking. This was a really stupid idea...fucking stupid. But I was here now, and there was no getting out of it. Louis and Zayn climbed back into the car and we followed the road down towards the house. 

Each house on this resort had its own driveway and garage and everything was covered, from movies to a fire place to food in the kitchen. I had been here once with Liam and his family back before I had liked Louis, and it had been the most fun of my life. Despite the company and my nerves, I was rather excited to be back here.

We all dragged our bags through the two feet of snow already settled on the ground and piled through the garage door into the warm interior. Someone had already started the fire and had everything ready for us, which I found nice.

We dumped our things by the door and went to the kitchen, grabbing food and anything we could find to satisfy our stomachs. I had a bag of grapes that Nick had sent with me, and I sat in a chair by the fire by myself, eating them slowly and trying not to get in the way of the other guys. Liam and Zayn had already claimed the couch, snuggling up against one another as they chowed down on crisps. Louis took a comfortable armchair next to the couch and settled down in it. He looked so tiny...not that I was paying attention to him or anything like that...it was just an observation. 

The TV was flipped on and the others ran back and forth from the kitchen, getting more food as they watched a stupid show, but I stayed where I was, staring into the fire and eating my grapes quietly. Even Louis joined the two lovebirds on the couch after a while, but I just didn't think it was my place. That's when I remembered that I said I would call Nick when we arrived, and I stood up, pulling my phone out of my pocket. The other three looked up briefly but didn't move, and I walked into the kitchen, pressing Nick's contact to call him.

"Hey, Haz! Make it up there alright?" Nick's cheery voice rang through the line and a small smile lit up on my face. It was good to hear his voice.

"Yeah, no trouble with weather or anything. I just...I don't know if I should have come." I got it out in the open before I could chicken out on telling him. 

"What? Why?" He asked, and I bit my lip, trying to figure out how to word it and tell him without getting emotional.

"I...I mean, they are all sitting in there happy and eating all the food in the world and generally having a good time, but I'm just sitting by myself. They didn't ask me to come join them, we didn't even speak in the car...and Louis...he hasn't said anything to me. I mean, I know he hates me but a hey wouldn't be so wrong, would it?" I felt my throat getting tight and I breathed deeply, keeping myself completely in control.

"Oh, Harry. Louis doesn't hate you. He just doesn't know what to do with the information that you...let slip. He needs time."

"I thought I was going to come here and Liam and I would make up and maybe even Louis would...but I just don't see it happening and I don't want to get hurt again..." I whispered, my voice betraying my feelings.

"I need you to relax, love. Just...go sit with them. Enjoy yourself. Maybe they are afraid of hurting you as well. You have to try, alright?"

I nodded and then remembered that he couldn't see me, so I answered him aloud. I could almost see his smile. "Good. I've gotta go, alright? Talk to you when you get home?"

"Yeah. Bye, Nick. Thanks."

"Bye, Haz. Keep smiling, love."

He hung up and I let my phone hang loose at my side, scratching the back of my neck. I heard a sudden sound from behind me and whirled around just in time to see Louis entering the kitchen. His eyes locked onto mine and neither of us moved for about three seconds. I just cleared my throat, trying not to show that I had been on the verge of tears moments ago, and headed back out to my spot by the fire, curling up in a ball on the chair and watching Zayn and Liam cuddling on the couch aimlessly. It almost hurt to see how happy they were, but I knew I couldn't have that, especially considering what had just happened a few weeks ago, so I shoved the feelings away.

Louis came back out a few minutes later with a small salad in his hand. Without looking at me, he came over and placed it carefully on the small table next to me. He then hurried over to the others and settled back down next to Zayn, laughing at whatever was on the TV.

"Haz...you can come over if you want. You don't have to sit by yourself," Liam said softly, looking at me. I looked up, hesitating, but then remembered what Nick had said, and I stood, picking up the small bowl, and came over, sitting down on the floor in front of the couch. I picked up a fork laying on the table, not really caring whose it had been, and began to slowly poke away at the salad, not saying a word or looking once at Louis. I had a strange feeling, however, that Louis was watching me eat, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. 

Eventually, we were all yawning and Liam stood up after kissing Zayn, stretching his back.

"Right, so up the stairs, Zayn and Lou, you guys are in the room on the right, and you and me, Harry, are on the left." 

We all stood, grabbing our own bags, and dragged them up the stairs to our rooms. Liam and I started unpacking, but I could see Liam looking across the hall, where Zayn and Louis were laughing about something.

"I don't know if I want to hear you complain all night...go on." I said, and Liam looked at me in confusion. I actually gave a half smile to him. "I know you want to be with Zayn. So go share a room with him. I'll be fine."

"You sure?" He asked, and I just nodded, continuing to unpack my stuff. Liam grinned and clapped me on the shoulder as he picked up his bag. "You're the best, I'm serious."

He left the room and I was left in silence. I moved all of my stuff to the end of the bed and was just about to get in when I heard a commotion at the door. I turned and saw Louis coming into the room, his bag already half unpacked. It was at that moment that I realized my mistake. In order for Liam to sleep with Zayn, that meant that I had to sleep with Louis. Fucking hell, what had I been thinking? I almost thought of calling Liam back in here, but I couldn't now. It was too late.

"What side do you want?" Louis' voice reached my ears and I turned, not having expected him to speak.

"What?" I asked, my voice shaking only slightly.

"What side of the bed do you want?" He inquired again, and I swallowed, realizing that not only were we in the same room, but we had only one bed. Fucking hell. What now?

"Umm...right." I answered quietly, and he nodded, turning away to unpack. I thought about undressing and going to bed, but I couldn't. I always slept in my boxers when I was alone, but now that Louis was here...I didn't want him to see me shirtless. I pulled a white shirt from my bag and threw it on quickly, praying that Louis was still turned the other way, and I scrambled under the covers, keeping myself on the outermost edge of the bed. I felt the other side dip as Louis settled in the bed himself, and he shivered as the cold sheets hit him. He moved around a bit, and I knew that he wanted warmth, but there was no way in hell that was happening.

"Just...stay on your side," I mumbled, closing my eyes. 


	13. Chapter 13 - You and I

I shifted around over and over again, completely unable to get to sleep. Why hadn't I thought about the consequences before telling Liam that he could share a room with Zayn? Now I was laying next to Louis, in one bed. _Hang in there, Styles,_ I thought, brushing a frustrated hand through my hair as I tried once again to get comfortable. 

"Harry? Are you still awake?" Louis whispered, waiting for a response from me. I hesitated for a moment, but I was sure that Louis already knew that I wasn't asleep, he was just asking anyway.

"Mhm."

Louis shifted, sat up, and turned on the light on his nightstand.

"Can't you sleep either?" he added now in a normal voice. What did this look like to him? That I was peacefully asleep? At that moment, I remembered Nick's thought that none of the boys, especially Louis, knew how to act around me at the moment, and were just trying to understand. I sat up as well, pulling the cover up with me. 

"Yeah...I'm not good at sleeping in unfamiliar beds," I answered, cringing when I realized how well my statement had fit the whole fucked up situation. The virgin that doesn't like sleeping in different beds. I rolled my eyes in annoyance with myself.  Louis must have noticed too, because he spoke up. 

"Harry..."

"Please don't ask..." I said, my voice sounding a bit choked up. Fucking hell, why couldn't I control my emotions around him? I contemplated if I should lift my head so I could face him and try to talk to him that way, but I decided it would be better if I didn't do that, not knowing how well it would go if I looked him in the eye. So I just sat there, staring at the wall in front of me, waiting for him to continue.

"Harry...because of what you said a few d-"

"Louis, no. P-Please don't..." I begged him, realizing where he was going with this. I couldn't talk about this, not with Louis, and especially not in the middle of the night. I couldn't do it. 

"Haz, please. Let me just get this one thing off my chest. Please." Now, it seemed, he was the one begging me, and I was completely powerless to Louis when he was like that. 

 _Haz._..He used to call me that back then. I let him continue, because knowing him, I was pretty sure he would tell me anyway. The sooner he could make fun about me being this pitiful idiot, the sooner it would be over. 

"Go ahead, make fun of me, then. I know that's what you want to do..." I mumbled, looking at the ceiling and avoiding his gaze, which had shifted to me intently. 

"I'd never make fun of you for anything you said, Harry. What makes you think I would?" he asked, but didn't wait for me to respond. "Listen Hazza, first of all...I...I am truly sorry that you saw the two guys leaving the other day. It didn't mean anything to me, just to clarify that. I was just mad because you let Xa...let  _him_ kiss you, let him of all people be with you, but I wasn't even allowed to look at you without you snapping. You just gave me this feeling that I wasn't worth enough to be noticed by you, you know?" I felt a dip in the mattress, and knew that Louis had stood up. I could hear him pacing around the bed, obviously anxious. "I'm sorry that he did this to you and I swear to god if I ever see him again, I'll rip off his balls." Louis placed his hand on my knee, mostly likely trying to comfort me, but I flinched, not used to him touching me and still a bit twitchy from the whole thing with Xander. He pulled away immediately. "Sorry," he mumbled, before speaking up louder again. "I'm sorry that I made fun of you being a virgin...if I'd had known that you...you haven't had...with anyone, I'd never have said that. It was a stupid comment and I'd take it back, if I could. There's nothing wrong with being...a virgin, you know. It only shows how beautiful you are, how much you actually care about yourself and your values. You're not like me...you don't fuck around, not caring about who it is. I really admire that attitude, Harry. I wish I could be more like you." He sat down on the edge of the bed, just next to me, basically giving me no choice but to look at him.  _How could someone want to be like me?_ It wasn't possible, but Louis looked like he'd meant it. I didn't say anything, partly because I wasn't sure if I could get words out without bursting into tears, and partly because I didn't know how to respond.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, and the silence followed, making it obvious that he was waiting for a honest response from me.

I nodded lightly, staring out of the window behind Louis. I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"What did you mean when you said I ripped out your heart after Liam moved in with me?"

I let out a deep breath. Was he being serious? Couldn't he understand how much he and Niall had hurt me with talking about me like I was an object?

"Isn't it obvious?" I scoffed, but I was pretty sure that I sounded like the little fragile boy that I was deep within, not the tough guy that I wanted everyone to see.

"No, it isn't. I mean...we k-kissed. And I thought this was more, that we were more. I haven't felt like that in ages, Harry. I never felt like this with anyone but you. And all of a sudden you jumped up like a scalded cat and started yelling at me. Why, Harry? I don't understand it." He REALLY had no clue why I was mad at him. I shook my head in disbelief, a sarcastic laugh slipped out of my mouth. I wasn't sure if I should be angry or disappointed about that.

"What, Harry? Please, be honest. I just want to understand." The urgency in his voice was such that I turned to look at him again.

"You really don't know, do you?" Now it was Louis who shook his head, looking at me with a pleading expression in his eyes. This time when I spoke, it was much more sarcastically. "Maybe you should tell Niall that the next time, he shouldn't text you asking about your _little fucks_ when they're still over. It's kind of a cockblock, if I'm being honest, but it especially hurt to see it."

"What are you talking about?" Louis looked at me, confused. Shit, was he that stupid?

"I'm talking about the text you got from Niall. Something about asking if you got laid already."

Louis stared at me for about two seconds and then started laughing like a maniac. I felt the emotional pain well in my chest. What the fuck was wrong with him? He didn't have an ounce of decency in him, did he?  _Here you go, Harry. Now he is making fun of you. Great._ I swallowed hard, trying not to get too emotional over it, but that was not something I was completely in control of, especially with Louis. Louis looked back down at me and must have seen the expression on my face, because he stopped laughing at once, looking very sorry.

"Harry, fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh. Hey...hey, look at me," he laid his hand on my knee, and even though I flinched, he didn't remove it this time. It was warm and heavy against my knee, which was equally daunting and comforting, and I was just frozen there, not sure what to do. With his free hand, Louis pulled out his phone and started looking for something.

"I didn't laugh about you, Haz. I was laughing because of how stupid a misunderstanding this entire thing was! Look, love, right here." He held his phone up so I could read his texts with Niall. "Niall showed me the messages a friend sent him that day. They were talking about him and his new girlfriend. It was simply a huge misunderstanding with extremely bad timing, I might add, but yeah...not about you, I promise." My eyes glazed over the screen over and over again, and he was right. They were definitely talking about someone else, and now I felt like a complete idiot. Louis hadn't talked shit about me and I had insulted him without any reason. I shook my head, not believing how fucking stupid I was.

"F-fuck, Louis. I...I'm so sorry," I said, letting out a hysterical laugh. Why the fuck was I laughing? This wasn't even funny. But the next moment, I felt the familiar tightening of my chest and tears were welling in my eyes. I was SO stupid. I hid my face in my hands as soon as I felt the first tear on my cheek. This time it was me who did him injustice, who treated him like shit for absolutely no reason, just because I had taken something out of context and I had fucking trust issues. Shit. I was so awful to him and he didn't even know why. I felt like the biggest jerk on earth.

"Hey..." he whispered as he pulled my hands gently away from my face, and for once, I didn't flinch at his touch. "It's fine, love. I'm not mad, if you think that. I'm just glad this got cleared up. Okay?"

He cupped my cheeks in his hands and wiped the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs, being extremely gentle. Oh gosh, I had missed his touch. His hand moved to brush a stray curl behind my ear and I leaned into his touch, wanting him near me. I wanted to feel this way forever. This was why I had fallen for him in the first place, because he was so kind and gentle with me. 

But no...I couldn't do this. I was already so far gone for him. Maybe this situation was a misunderstanding, but Louis didn't feel the way I did and I had to get over it. I was pretty sure that every second spent with Louis was another second of me falling even farther in love with him. I had to stay away from him, even though I wasn't sure if I was able to. Sometimes, I thought Louis had a sixth sense, because he always knew when I needed a hug or some kind of distraction. And speaking of that, he was out of bed in seconds, pulling me to my feet as I wiped a few remaining tears from my cheeks. 

"Come on, Hazza. Let's make some tea and a little snack. It will help us fall asleep. We are gonna need sleep if we are going out on the slopes tomorrow," he said eagerly, his smile intact on his face.

"Umm, Lou...no offense, but you were always a terrible cook, and if Liam's horror stories are anything to be believed, you haven't improved." I said this quietly, gently removing myself from his grip and taking a step back, hoping the distance would help with the overwhelming urge I had to kiss him right now. 

Louis stuck his tongue out, starting to laugh. "That, love, is the exact reason why you're coming with me. I can remember you being an excellent cook." I shook my head, a real smile forming on my face, and I followed him to the stairs, sticking close to him. There was no fucking way I could stay away from him...no way. 

_____________________________________________

"Do you want this kind of tea as well?" Louis asked as he was filling the teapot with hot water.

"Yeah...That'd be lovely," I smiled at him shyly, trying to look away so he wouldn't notice that I was blushing. But he had seen me already and was smiling fondly at me. 

"You're cute when you're blushing," he added, which only made me blush even more.

He was about to say something else, but a strange noise from upstairs made us both look up nervously.

"What was that?" I asked slowly, looking at him questioningly.

"I have no clue..." he countered as he looked around at the ceiling, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. "It's definitely coming from somewhere upstairs, and it's not coming from the direction of Liam's and Zayn's room..."

"Oh god, Lou. What if it's a burglar?" I panicked a bit, grabbing onto Louis' arm for stability, which was not something I would normally do, but he was there and I was actually a bit scared. 

"I'll take care of it, love. Don't worry...but we have to stay quiet," he whispered, his hand drawing soothing circles on my back. "You stay here and I'll go have a look, yeah?"

"NO!" I exclaimed, but Louis immediately shushed me, placing a hand over my mouth. He removed it when I nodded, saying that I was alright. "Sorry....but you can't leave me here alone. What if he hurts you or comes downstairs?" I swallowed hard, trying to compose myself. Fuck, I was such a baby! 

"Okay okay, but you'll stay behind, alright?" He said firmly, and I nodded, tightening my grip on his arm. 

We sneaked upstairs, following the noise. I sounded like someone was moving something, and they were exerting a lot of effort, because there were small grunts mixed with the noise of what sounded like tapping.

"Shush", someone exclaimed from behind the door right next to us, and I jumped, almost tearing Louis' arm off in the process.

"Lou!"I whispered, panicking. "It must be at least two of them...we have to call the police."

"They're in the office," he answered, and then realized that he had completely ignored my request. "No...it'd take to long for the police to arrive. Zayn taught me a bit of karate, I think I can handle them!"

"Lou, please..." but he laid a finger on my lips, looking me right in the eye. "You won't get hurt. I promise, Harry."

And before I could respond he yanked open the door right in front of us.

  
"JESUS!" Louis jumped back, shielding his eyes and backing away. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Fuck, Louis! What are you doing here?" a familiar voice yelled in a hysterical tone, and then I realized what was making the noise. There was a desk in the room, and a huge container of pens had been knocked over, as well as a lamp and a bunch of random files. Liam was in front of us, balls deep inside Zayn, who was bending over the table, his cheeks thoroughly flushed. Louis' eyes must have finally registered what he was seeing, because his hand came up and covered my eyes at once. 

"That's not supposed to be seen by innocent young boys...or anyone else," he exclaimed, sounding a bit disgusted, seemingly still processing that we just walked in on his brother and his best friend fucking on a desk. "I thought you were sleeping already!" Louis continued, his voice higher than normal.

"We got hungry and got up to grab some food," Zayn said in his defense, but Louis scoffed. Apparently, since I couldn't see for myself, there wasn't any food to be seen. 

"Guess they decided on bananas. Seems like they're checking the quality of _their_ bananas right now." I laughed at my own stupid joke, and it didn't take long for Louis to start laughing with me.

"Oh my god," Louis gasped out, laughing his ass off, and this made me laugh even more, still not able to see anything, because Louis hadn't bothered to remove his hand. For some reason, I was happy about that, because I didn't need to see anymore of Liam bending Zayn over the table.

"Ha Ha, very funny Harry. Glad that you two are having so much fun, but for fuck's sake can you please leave the room?" Liam burst out, which made Louis and me laugh even harder, neither of us moving anywhere. 

"OUT NOW!"

Louis spun me around, his hand finally leaving my eyes, and he lead me quickly out of the room and down the stairs. It seemed like he couldn't get away fast enough. He didn't stop until we reached the pool down in the basement, both of us still laughing breathlessly. 

"Oh my god. Did we just..." I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

"Yep. AWKWARD..." Louis shook his head trying to get rid off what we just had seen. 

"And we thought someone tried to steal something. The only thing being 'stolen' is their virginity, and our peace and quiet." I looked down, surprised that such words had come out of my mouth, and Louis seemed to be just as shocked.

" _Checking the quality of their bananas_ , eh?" Louis smirked at me playfully, apparently remembering what I had said, and I blushed, not believing that I really said that out loud. "Innocent Harold, isn't that innocent, I see," he added, still smirking. I shrugged my shoulders, pretty sure my face was bright red. Louis was finally calming down, but I could see a glint in his eye, like he was up to something. Then again, he was always up to something, so it wasn't much of a hint to anything out of the ordinary.

"Harold, do you have your phone in your pyjama pants?" he said after a few seconds, and I shook my head, my eyebrows crunching together in confusion. 

"No, why should I ha-" but I wasn't able to finish the sentence, because Louis grabbed my hand and started sprinting towards the edge of the pool. NO, he wasn't going to...

A wave of cold hit me as we plunged into the pool, my hand losing its grip on Louis'. I paddled around, disoriented, and finally found my way to the surface, spluttering.

"Louis!"I gasped, absolutely breathless , but Louis was just laughing, and to be honest, it was the most beautiful sound ever. I stuck out my tongue and splashed some water in his face, half mad and half wanting to laugh some more.

"Don't you dare do that again," he threatened playfully, which only pushed me to do it again. He coughed, swallowing some of the pool water, and rubbed his eyes so that he could see again. 

"Are you satisfied? Just you wait, my friend!" he grinned and started to swim over to me. I tried to escape, squeaking, but Louis was faster. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed my head under water. He pulled me right back up, though, and when I opened my eyes, I was right up in front of him. I spluttered and coughed until I could speak again. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Are we even now?"

"For now," he smirked, still holding my shoulders as he had been when he had dunked me. His face was only inches away from mine, and I could feel this almost tension between us. Louis and I stared each other and somehow, I felt safe. This was the feeling only Louis could give me, the feeling of absolute safety and freedom. Around him, I could be myself. I don't know how long we stared at each other, because I got lost in the blue of his eyes, which matched the pool water that we were half submerged in. 

"Are you cold?" Louis whispered at last, the water droplets on his eyelashes dropping as he blinked. I shook my head, even though I was shivering, but I was not sure if it was because I was in fact freezing, or if it was because Louis was that close to me.

"Your nipples say something else," he smirked, and I looked down my torso,which was halfway under water. Even through the shirt, you could see how hard my nipples were. Great. I started blushing again, not wanting to look at him anymore, but I couldn't very well look anywhere else with him that close. Why was I always blushing or crying because of this boy? What about him made me so emotional?

"Gosh...you're so fucking adorable." He exhaled soothingly, and it made me blush even more. Louis cracked a little smile, and suddenly, we were both leaning in. We were mere millimeters apart, so close that I could feel his breath on my lips. But...fuck, I couldn't do it.  After all, Louis didn't feel anything for me. I was just another random fuck to him, and honestly, I couldn't blame him, because he made it very clear that he just fucks around and that he wasn't looking for something serious. He had literally just told me that an hour ago. I was the complete opposite. I wanted long term, I wanted someone to love me for a long time and want to be with me forever, and that was the big reason that we would never work, no matter how badly I wanted it.

"Louis, I...we...It's getting really cold...we should get out..." I spoke with a shaking voice, trying to increase the distance between us. I didn't trust myself at all, and one more second would have me kissing him like there was no tomorrow. I didn't wait for him to reply and swam to the ladder on the opposite side of the pool. I climbed out, shivering from head to foot as my soaking wet clothes stuck to me. Louis pulled himself out of the pool and headed for the towel rack, pulling off two towels and coming over to me.

"Here," he handed me a towel, speaking in such a soft tone that I didn't know how to reply. I just cracked a little smile and took the towel, but I couldn't do anything about drying myself. Louis had already stripped down to his boxers, drying himself with the towel. He tied it around his waist, stripping off his boxers underneath as well. I swallowed hard, realizing what I had to do. I didn't want to get naked in front of him, or anybody really, but especially him. Louis looked over at me, still standing stock still in my wet clothes, and he moved over a few steps, placing a careful hand on my arm.

"I can turn around, if you want me to..."

I bit my lip and nodded slowly, feeling embarrassed. Louis gave a small smile and turned around, waiting with his back to me. In only a few minutes, I stripped down, drying myself off as much as I could, and then wrapped the towel around my waist as well, gulping as I saw my torso exposed.

"O...Ok. I'm finished," I mumbled, more to myself than to Louis. He turned around, his eyes glancing at me, and I crossed my arms over my chest, not wanting him to see. He looked like he wanted to say something about my gesture, but he didn't. 

"Let's go back upstairs then," he looked at me encouragingly, and I followed him.

_____________________________________________

I was laying in bed scrolling through my phone when Louis came out of the bathroom, only wearing a pair of tight boxer shorts, which definitely emphasized his perfect bum. I always knew that he had a pretty great ass, but great was definitely an understatement, especially in these. Louis looked really fit. He always had, but he definitely changed over the last few years. He had gotten more mature, more defined. Different tattoos were inked in different parts of his body; his arms, his chest, and even his legs.

"A funny curly lad that I know once said: Take a picture, it will last longer," he grinned, and I blushed again. Louis lifted the covers of his side of the bed and slipped under, his foot grazing my leg and making me jump, my body reacting immediately.

"Sorry," Louis mumbled, so quickly that it was hard to understand. 

"'s fine," I replied quietly, trying to sound as normal as possible. I turned my face back to my screen, continue scrolling through my phone. Maybe that would distract me from what I was feeling right now.

Louis turned to lay on his side, facing me, his head resting on his arm. His eyes never left me, and after about three minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.

"What? Do I have something in my face?" I asked, moving my hands to my face to check. He shook his head, still watching me.

"No....I'm just appreciating how beautiful you are," he replied in a soft and quiet tone. I shook my head quickly, trying to make it quite clear that he was wrong. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't half as good looking as he was. What the hell was he even talking about?

"It's true. Your jawline is so prominent, and your dimples are beautiful.  I love how they show up when you smile. And...your lips are so full and I know they're so soft..." I gazed at him, still trying to process what he'd just said. He looked away finally, his cheeks tinting pink. "I...I'm sorry. I'm a creeper, I know," he said, sounding a bit embarrassed.

"No...I...it's just...no one has said something like that to me in a long time...or ever, really." I replied, still not sure if he was being serious or not, but for some reason, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

"I can't understand that. Who wouldn't love you? You're definitely the funniest, cutest, most beautiful and for fuck's sake, sexiest human being that I know. You're so kind, Harry. You deserve all the love in the world. I really hope that you'll be able to see that someday."

I swallowed hard, feeling tears welling up my eyes. Louis looked scared, but he didn't move, not sure whether to back up or get closer.

"Fuck, Harry, I...I'm sorry...was it something I said?" Louis sounded quite panicked, and I felt bad but I couldn't help my reactions.

"I..." I choked, trying to get the words out. "I'm so fucked up, Louis. Fucked up in every possible way."

Louis looked at me with concern, but then, out of nowhere, he moved closer to me, holding out his arms to me, and I went with it, letting myself fall into them.  He held me tight, my face buried in his bare chest, and he rubbed my back, placing small kisses to the top of my head to soothe me.

"So fucked up..." I said again, sobbing into his shoulder. I didn't know why he wasn't agreeing with me. I wasn't beautiful, or nice, or anything like that. I was a messed up shell of a person and there was no making that better. I wasn't worth his time.

"Whatever it is, we can fix it. I'm here for you. I'll help you. Together we can fix it, yeah?" Louis asked, and he sounded a bit choked up himself. I pulled my head away to look at his face, and to my surprise, there were actual tears in his eyes.

"Lou...what's wrong?" Why was he crying? What had I done? Was I such a fucking idiot that I had made him cry?

"You don't know how much I care about you, do you? You just can't see it. I can't see you suffering like this, it hurts too much. I just never stopped lo-"

"Hey guys," Zayn came barreling into the room without knocking, but froze in the doorway when he saw us. "Fuck, sorry, I didn't ...eh...sorry..." He left just as quickly as he had come, and neither of us spoke for at least a minute. The silence was scary to me. Louis had been about to say something...but he wasn't finishing it, almost like he had forgotten about it. 

"I guess we should probably get to sleep, then. Didn't realize how late we had stayed up..." Louis announced a bit awkwardly, shifting away from me.

What the fuck was that? Louis had been crying because of me, or something like that, and he still hadn't finished what he was saying, and it bothered me. I had one thought in my head, one thought only, and it was going to bug me until he told me.

"Lou, what were you trying to say?" I looked at him questioningly, and he squirmed uncomfortably, not saying anything for a few seconds. 

"I'll tell you another time, okay? Let's sleep. I'm exhausted," he said, and before I could move, he leaned over and pressed a light kiss to the top of my curls. I lay down my back to him, but his hand, which had been resting on my waist this entire time, did not move at all.


	14. Chapter 14 - Reconnection

I woke up the next morning to a cold bed next to me. I blinked, trying to remember why the bed being empty was weird to me, and then it all came rushing back. Me...sharing a room with Louis, Louis and I not being able to sleep and walking in on Liam and Zayn in the middle of the night...our midnight dip in the pool and...and the almost kiss. And the almost cuddling in bed...and all of the crying. Fuck, so much had happened in the last 24 hours and I had no idea how to comprehend it all. 

I sat up slowly, trying to figure out why my hands were shaking slightly, but deep down, I knew why. I had liked everything we had done last night. I liked Louis...a whole fucking lot. There was nothing in this world that I could do now to get rid of those feelings, and I knew that. But the fact that he didn't like me that way, at least, not anymore, really put a damper on things. He was just trying to be nice last night, to help me fall asleep and be less sad and less quiet. And surprisingly, it had worked, but...it had all been too close to the feelings from all those years ago, and I couldn't do it.

A sudden smell hit my nostrils and my stomach actually growled out loud. I knew that smell...it was bacon...bacon and eggs and sausages and pancakes...a whole fucking breakfast was wafting its way up the stairs and into my room. I swung my legs out of bed, pulled on some pants, and tugged on a beanie over my messy curls before heading down the stairs slowly. I could now hear the murmur of voices and I walked into the kitchen. The voices stopped immediately as Zayn, Liam, and Louis all looked around at me. They were sitting at the table, empty plates in front of them, and all over the counters were heaps of breakfast foods.

"I made breakfast for us all...figured we could go on the slopes for most of the day, have a good lad's day?" Louis walked forward a little bit, smiling and handing me a plate. I didn't say anything else, merely observing all of the food piled up in the kitchen. Louis had made all of this?

"Yes, Harold, contrary to popular belief, I did pick up some cooking skills...mostly in breakfast foods though." Louis said sassily, and it took all of my self control not to laugh at that. For some reason, showing the others how I felt about Louis didn't seem like the best idea. It wasn't like we were on the best terms at the moment anyway, and I didn't want Liam to try to be overprotective or some shit like that.

"Morning. Thought we'd wait for you so we could eat together?" Liam said hesitantly, and I gave him the smallest of smiles. That seemed to make him really happy, and it made me blush a bit. Maybe we weren't so bad now? I mean...I was still kind of mad, but it was more like a grudge, and I hated holding grudges. But before I could say anything more, Zayn nudged Liam, and Liam's attention was completely captured. I tried to ignore it.

"Well, come on then! I'm starving!" Zayn announced, and he stood, starting to pile his plate full of food. Liam did the exact same, and then Louis went right after that. I, meanwhile, fiddled with my plate and swallowed hard, not moving. There was so much food...so much fat that I most definitely couldn't eat without gaining a lot of weight. Fuck.

They were all watching me, as though waiting for me to bail or something, but I wasn't going to do that. I was getting better. I could eat a pancake and some bacon. I'd just have to go for an extra run later...or maybe the skiing would make up for it. Yeah. I walked slowly and picked up a rather small pancake, two pieces of bacon, and a sausage, poured myself some water from the tap, and sat down, all without saying a word. The others had already dug in, halfway through their piled plates of food. I picked up my fork and stabbed at a sausage. My mind was saying don't eat it, but my stomach was on a different agenda, and when I bit off a piece, I wanted to moan with delight and throw up all at the same time. I chewed slowly, trying not to actually count the bites before I swallowed. None of the other three seemed to notice, and they even got up for seconds while I was still on that one piece of sausage. I thought I felt Louis watching me, but I kept my head down and forced bite after bite of food into my mouth, always washing it down with a small sip of water.

The three of them cleared up their things as I started on my pancake, and they disappeared, leaving me alone for only a few minutes before coming back, dressed in skiing gear and holding their helmets under their arms. Louis looked back at me from the door where they were all strapping on boots, and he turned to the other two.

"You guys go on ahead. We will be right behind you, yeah? Go on, we're coming, I promise." He said cheerfully, and Liam and Zayn shrugged, walking out into the garage with their hands entwined between them. I kept my head down as I heard Louis approaching, and I didn't even look up when he sat down across from me.

"Harry...Haz, look at me, love," Louis said softly, and for some reason, I found myself looking up from my plate. My face flushed at the look in Louis' eyes. He looked sad, and I didn't want him to pity me. What I had done to myself was my fault, even though he had kind of started it all in the first place, but right now that was beside the point. "You doing alright?"

"Yeah...yeah just...finishing up. You can go on ahead, I'll be out." I mumbled, hoping that he would just go, because I was about to start crying with frustration. I just wanted to be normal and eat like everyone else. I wanted to love my body, and to be able to let go and eat without thinking of the calorie count.

"No, I'm alright. I'll stay in here, if you don't mind. You look like you could use the company, and I don't mind." Louis' voice was very gentle and his hand had moved to my knee just sitting there lightly, trying to be a comfort. I picked up my fork again and put a piece of pancake into my mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly, looking up at Louis again. His blue eyes were staring at me like daggers, but I found that I didn't mind at all...they were so beautiful, with small specks of green in them today...

I shook myself out of it, concentrating on my food again, and I didn't look up until I had finished. I looked down at my empty plate, surprised at myself. For once, I didn't feel bad about eating all of it. It filled me up quite well and had tasted delicious. Louis had a grin on his face like nothing I had ever seen before.

"I'll clean up and you go get dressed, yeah?" Louis offered, picking up my plate, and I headed off to our room, locking the door behind me. I tugged off my shirt and pants, looking around for my ski gear, and trying to avoid the mirror in the corner of the room. I didn't want to look at myself. I wanted to have a good day and enjoy being out with mates, not spend the day worrying about how I looked.

When I made it back downstairs, Louis was already waiting for me, my coat in his hand. I took it cautiously, trying not to let our hands touch. I didn't want to get too close, cause it would just get my hopes up for something that would never happen. Louis' parents had left the big truck up at the house just in case we needed another car, and we both climbed into it, Louis starting it up and backing down the drive.

"I...umm, thanks. You know, for...waiting for me...I know I'm a bit slow...sorry," I stuttered, feeling my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Why did I always have trouble speaking around him? I cleared my throat and tried again. "I promise I wont keep you from the fun again."

"Don't worry about it, Haz. Besides, I'm sure Zayn and Liam were a bit clingy after last night...might as well let them get it all out before we get there." Louis replied with a laugh, and I found myself laughing with him, like actual laughter and everything.

We parked the car and went inside to get ski passes and our skis, and then strapped them on, gliding towards the ski lift.

"Ready?" Louis asked as we got ready to get on. I nodded, and we both sat down, riding to the top in silence.

____________

We didn't speak much after that, both of us being too busy skiing down different slopes. We ran into Liam and Zayn eventually at the bottom of a slope, where Liam was trying desperately to get back on his feet and Zayn was too busy dying with laughter to help him up.

After a few exhausting hours, we found ourselves taking a rest on one of the outside benches, catching our breath in the cold.

"Gonna grab some fish and chips...Li, come with me, won't you?" Louis asked suddenly, and Liam nodded.

"Gotta wee anyway. We'll be back," he said, and without another word, they left me and Zayn sitting there by ourselves. I felt extremely awkward right away. I had said some not so nice things about Zayn the last time we had actually spoken, and I wasn't sure if he hated me or if I was overthinking, or what was going on. Either way, I was terrified to be alone with him. He didn't seem inclined to speak either, but instead sat, messing with his hat and looking around at the people.

"I'm sorry." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, and Zayn froze, looking up at me in surprise. I swallowed. Too late to stop now. "I'm really sorry for what I said to you, and about you...I just...there was a lot on my plate and I...overreacted a bit, I guess. I...I just feel bad for treating you like shit and making you out to be the 'best friend stealer'. In truth, you make Liam so so happy and I wouldn't ask for a better boyfriend for my best friend. Just...take care of him alright? He's been through a lot of bad relationships before and he really likes you...gets attached easily. Don't break his heart, if you can help it..." I babbled, and Zayn looked floored by my statement. 

"Umm...I think that's the most I've ever heard you say at once, other than that night of course...I'm going to take care of Liam, I promise. I...I think I might be in love with him, I've never felt like this with anyone else. And it's alright. I know you're dealing with a lot and I would have snapped too. I'm sorry for stealing Liam's time from you. He should spend time with you as well as me."

I nodded and tried for a small smile, which he returned, and it made me feel a whole lot better now that we were on okay terms again. Now I just had to fix things with Liam...

"Don't worry. I don't think he's mad at you anymore. I think he's just worried and he wants to make sure that you're okay and you're doing well. Talk to him. Oh, and a word about Louis...he's not the guy you think he is." I blanched at his words, but he put a hand on my shoulder, shaking his head with a grin. "No, not like that. You see him as a whore, as a guy who just likes to fuck around, but that's not him. Ever since I've known him, there's only been one person on his mind, and that's-"

"We're baaaaaack. Chips, anyone?" Louis called, shoving the food in our faces. I politely declined and looked at Liam, who was feeding Zayn a piece of food, a fond and quite disgusting look on his face. He leaned in to peck Zayn's lips, and then caught sight of my gaze. I stood up at once and faced him, and he looked almost scared. I walked forward, and he stood his ground shakily, not sure what was going on...and then I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He froze for a few seconds before wrapping his arms carefully around me and hugging me back.

"I'm sorry for being an ass...I'm so sorry, Li..." I whispered into his ear, and he hugged me tighter.

"And I'm sorry for neglecting you when you needed me. It wasn't right and I should have paid more attention. I won't let it happen again." Liam let me go and held me at arm's length, smiling, and I smiled back. He pulled me back in for another hug, almost crushing me, and then stuffed some food into his mouth.

"Let's get back up there...want to try out some of the black diamond slopes."

"I think I'll pass on that...don't want to die, thanks," Zayn replied, and Liam stuck his tongue out at him. He turned to Louis but Louis shook his head furiously, eating to cover up how nervous he was. He then turned to me.

"Haz...will you come up with me?"

I hesitated for only a fraction of a second before nodding yes, and Liam clapped his hands, running over to grab his skis. As I followed him, I caught the look on Louis' face. He looked...concerned for me or something...whatever. It wasn't like he cared for me that much. We were just good friends...it was all we would ever be. I placed my skis on the ground and snapped them into place, and I was so focused on following Liam that I almost missed Louis' voice as it carried through the wind.

"Be careful."

____________

After nearly dying several times, Liam and I gave up on the black diamond slopes and went down to nurse our bruises. Louis and Zayn met up with us and they looked beat as well, so we climbed in our cars and drove back to the house.

As Louis started up the fireplace, Liam headed up to my room with me and Zayn disappeared into his and Liam's room, probably to fix his hair or something. Zayn was very obsessed with his hair looking perfect, and wearing a hat all day probably hadn't helped all that much. 

"I...umm, Zayn and I are going on a date tonight...if that's okay with you..." Liam mumbled, standing with me in the doorway to my room. I shrugged.

"Why would it not be alright? It's your anniversary, you should be able to enjoy some time alone." I replied, and Liam blushed crimson.

"Well, we were having some of that last ni-"

"Don't. Remind. Me." I said shortly, and Liam laughed, clapping me on the shoulder. 

"I just meant because you'd be here alone with Louis...and that whole, umm, thing." Liam spoke in short sentences, and I could tell that he was still uncomfortable with the idea of me liking his brother...or maybe he was just saying it that way cause he didn't want me to get upset about it. I shook my head.

"No, I'll be just fine. You two go. I'll get some real clothes on and maybe Louis and I can just...watch a movie or something. It's no big deal."

If truth be told, I wanted to spend time with Louis. Liking him aside, I did enjoy his company and he had been really nice to me today, and yesterday, so I could only hope that it would continue throughout tonight. Liam nodded and hurried into his and Zayn's room, from which little giggles and the smacking of lips could be heard. I rolled my eyes fondly and hurried into the room, locking the door and stripping down out of my damp ski clothes and pulling on warm sweats and a t-shirt that was laying on the chair. I walked to the mirror carefully and pulled my beanie off to reveal very messy hair. I sighed, running a hand through it. Fuck, I needed a shower. I looked over at the clock. Zayn and Liam wouldn't be leaving for another hour at least, so I had plenty of time to get a shower. I grabbed a towel and some clean underwear and hurried to the bathroom, turning on the shower.

I looked around the large bathroom and noticed a very large bathtub on the other side. What I wouldn't give to take a bath in that...but knowing my luck, someone would walk in on me and I didn't need to be embarrassed like that. Besides, I only liked to take baths if there were bubbles in the water. Weird, but I liked being covered. I wasn't able to sit there and judge myself the whole time, and it was kind of nice.

I hopped in the shower, letting the water run down my body and warm me up from head to toe. I stood there for a good ten minutes before washing myself off and scrubbing shampoo into my hair. It felt so good, and I really didn't want to get out, but I wanted to see Liam off to his date, and hopefully not make things super awkward with Louis, which was my specialty as of late. I dried off quickly, trying not to focus too much on my body as I pulled on clean clothes and shook my wet curls out of my eyes.

_It's now or never, Harry...just go down there and act normal...and keep your distance if you can. That should help._

I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door, throwing my things into my room as I passed it, and I hurried down the stairs. The house was nice and toasty warm now that Louis had the fire going, but Louis himself was nowhere to be seen. I thought about heading for the kitchen for a glass of water, but when I reached the door, I could hear voices on the other side, and I stopped in my tracks.

"I think you should tell Harry. It's the perfect time, what with both of us gone and all. You can have a proper conversation about it, in front of the fire and and all romantic and shit, you know?"

"Z, I...I can't just spring that on him. He might think I'm lying to him, and I don't want to make him upset." Louis answered back, sounding nervous and scared.

"Look, you can do this. You're Louis Tomlinson."

I decided that I had heard enough. Whatever they were discussing, it was about me, and I was pretty sure that I wouldn't like it. And this wasn't the way to find out anyway. If Louis wanted to talk to me about it, he would, and I respected him enough not to listen in on all of his conversation. Instead, I made my way to the couch in front of the fire, curling up at one end with a blanket and my phone. I had a message from Nick, asking how it was going, but my phone kept going in and out of service as the wind howled outside. It had started snowing earlier, but the wind definitely hadn't been as bad as it was now. I huddled under the blanket, shivering for no reason, and hoping that maybe Louis had a movie picked out or something. I didn't just want to sit here in awkward silence.

Zayn came out of the kitchen, followed by a blushing Louis, and only a few seconds later, Liam came bounding down the stairs, looking happy and practically glowing.

"Ready to go, Z?" He asked, his eyes sparkling with anticipation, and Zayn nodded, looking just as happy. Louis stood awkwardly between them, and then practically shoved them out the door. Once the door was shut, Louis sighed and walked towards me.

"Thank god, I thought they were gonna start eating each other, the way they were looking at each other."

I smiled weakly, trying to make an effort so he wouldn't notice me keeping my distance. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Umm...want anything to eat?" He offered. "You haven't had anything since breakfast...I can make something or we could just have some chips maybe?"

I shook my head, not really in the eating mood, and he shrugged, but his eyes told the truth, looking sad. "Well, I'll...be right back then." He disappeared into the kitchen, and I could hear plates making lots of noise as they were moved and the sound of glass settling on the marble counter top. I looked back down at my phone, waiting for service to come back so I could send a message to Nick, but it was no use. I flipped on the TV, trying to distract myself as Louis came back into the room, two plates in his hand.

"I got you some food anyway, in case you get hungry." He set a small plate of crackers and cheese in front of me and I felt my heart swell, but I forced the feeling away, picking up a cracker and nibbling on it half-heartedly. Louis sat down on the opposite end of the couch, curling up without a blanket, and I realized that I had the only one. I bit my lip, trying not to do what I wanted to do as Louis flipped through the channels, finally finding some cheesy movie on one of the channels.

"Umm...Haz, it's kinda cold...could I maybe...but I mean, only if you're comfortable with it...I just...never mind..." Louis stumbled over his words, but I nodded, scooting over closer to him and offering part of the blanket to him. As he lifted it to cover himself, he caught sight of my clothes and smirked. "Are you wearing my shirt?"

It wasn't until then that I realized that he was right...I had grabbed the wrong shirt when I had gotten dressed earlier. Fucking hell, Liam and Zayn probably noticed and had a fit about it, and I should have fucking known, cause it smelled so so good.

"I...I'm sorry...grabbed the wrong one." I mumbled, but he shook his head, smiling at me kindly.

"S'alright, I don't mind."

We sat there in silence, just awkwardly positioned under the blanket without touching each other. I wanted to be close to him and as far away from him as possible at the same time. Why was this so difficult?

Louis shifted and I felt his arm go up around the top of the couch, practically resting on my shoulders. My heart was in my throat at the thought of him touching me. I wanted it, wanted to be close...but I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to take advantage of him like that.

"Hazza, can I put my arm around you? Is that okay?" His question shocked me out of my panicked thoughts, and without thinking about what it might do to me, I nodded. Louis' small yet heavy arm curled around my shoulders and pulled me in closer to him. I went with it, letting him cuddle me against his chest, and my heart could have burst with how amazing it felt. I felt safe, I felt loved, I felt happy. I just wanted to curl up against him and never let him go.

"Lou, what...umm, I kind of heard you and Zayn in the kitchen...I wasn't listening on purpose I swear," I added quickly as Louis' eyes went wide. "I...I was just wondering...what was he talking about? What did he want you to tell me?"

Louis didn't say anything. He just sat there, his body rigid next to mine. He seemed almost terrified to speak.

"You don't have to...I was just curious...thought it could maybe be something to talk about..." I trailed off, not wanting to make him upset or anything. I started to pull out of his arm, thinking that he was mad at me for asking, but he turned me towards him, looking me straight in the eye.

"I...Harry, I need to tell you, I can't just sit here and not...what I'm trying to say is...well, I don't know if you'll believe me...I just...oh, fuck, it." Louis leaned in towards me and planted a kiss firmly on my mouth. I froze completely, not knowing what the hell was going on. I could feel Louis' lips starting to move against mine but I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do...Louis was kissing me...Louis Tomlinson was kissing me...fuck, he was _kissing me_!

I pulled away as fast as I could, shaking my head. "Lou, I can't...we can't...you don't like me like that...you're just trying to make me feel better...all you want is a fuck..." I stuttered out, but Louis shook his head furiously, pulling me back to him so that our faces were inches apart.

"Harry, I love you. I never stopped. All of those guys, they meant nothing to me...just a way to ease the pain. You seemed so comfortable hating me and the only way I knew to cover up my feelings was to be a dick and fuck other people in the hopes of getting over you...but I can't. You're like a magnet, you draw me to you without even trying, and I just...I just want..." His hands were cupping my cheeks, making me look at him. His eyes were big and I could see the start of tears forming in them.

"I...I don't want to get hurt again...I can't...Louis..." I tried, but we were so close and I couldn't stop myself. I wanted his lips on mine so bad. I leaned in this time and claimed his lips. I started to move mine slowly, and he did the same. It was very tentative, must more so than the last time we had kissed, which had been full on horny-teenager style. This was gentle...just being cautious and not overstepping any lines.

Louis moved closer to me and his hand slid from my shoulder down to my waist. I winced and pulled away. "I..."

"No, Harry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"Don't stop, Lou. I didn't mind it, I promise I just..."

Louis nodded, understanding without even having to ask, and he moved back in to kiss me again, his hand curving around my hip like it was meant to be there. His grip got a bit tighter as he kissed me harder, and my arms curved around his neck, wanting more. I felt his tongue tracing my bottom lip very carefully, and then he nipped at my lip, causing me to gasp and open my mouth. Just as the first kiss had been, so this was gentle as well, his tongue just barely poking into my mouth to explore. I moved mine to touch his, and he sighed into my mouth, properly starting to snog me. My hand moved to his neck, trying to pull him closer, and we just stayed like that for a while, snogging in front of the fire with a horrible movie playing in the background.

When we finally came up for air, Louis leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. "You're so lovely, Hazza...such soft lips...love them so much..."

I couldn't say anything. My heart felt lighter than it had in ages and my whole body was pliant and sleepy. I connected our lips once more, but it was sloppy with how tired and out of it I was.

"We should get some sleep, love," I heard Louis suggest, but I shook my head, wanting to kiss him again. He laughed into the kiss and pulled my bottom lip between his teeth, teasing.

"Don't...don't want to wake up without you, Lou," I said slowly, the sleep spreading throughout my whole body. I was so tired.

"Don't worry, love, I won't leave. I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise."

"Wanna stay here with you..." I mumbled sleepily, and Louis smiled against my lips. That was the last thing I remembered before dropping off to sleep in Louis' arms.


	15. Chapter 15 - Gravity

I woke up snuggled into something warm, but I was too tired to open my eyes. All I knew was that I had to get even closer to whatever I was cuddling, because it was so comfortable. I could hear quiet even breaths and they were ruffling my hair slightly, and the sound calmed me even more. 

"Awwww," a loud voice intruded into my comfy bubble and I started shifting a bit, hoping to get away from the noise.

"Shhh! Don't wake them up, Li," another voice, which was definitely Zayn's, shushed him.

"They look really cute, actually," Liam whispered back, now hushing his voice like Zayn.

"Yes they do. So peaceful...didn't think that I'd ever see that,"  Zayn replied quietly.

"Me neither. I'm still shocked that I didn't notice Haz had a crush on Lou...I can usually read him better..." Liam sighed, and then decided not to say any more on that subject. "They can't sleep on the couch, Zayn. It's too uncomfortable to spend a whole night on it."

"Don't blame yourself, babe. And yeah you're right, but I don't wanna wake them up, and I'm pretty sure Harry wouldn't be happy to wake up and find us watching them..." Zayn said as quietly as possible.

"What if we wake up Louis first? So he can wake up Harry?" Liam suggested. Oh, so I was still snuggled against Louis? Yeah, that made sense...I was starting to understand now. I remembered Louis kissing me and a small smile cracked up on my face, so I pressed my face more against a soft, warm something that had to be Louis' chest, snuggling closer to him.

"That sounds like a pretty good idea, babe." Zayn said back, and I could almost hear the smirk in his voice. Shit, I just wanted them to shut up. They were intruding my happy bubble. _Leave us alone...I don't wanna get up..._

"Louis, wake up," I heard Zayn whisper, now only a few inches away from me. I shifted again, trying to avoid the voice, but then I felt Louis moving next to me. His movements seemed to calm down when he realized that I was sleeping next to him, and his hand started rubbing my back gently, his fingers pressing lightly into my muscles.

"Hmmm...what time is it?" Louis yawned quietly, shifting under me.

"It's almost half past 12. I really didn't wanna wake you up, but you can't sleep on the couch the whole night,"  Zayn replied with a really low voice, trying to not wake me up.

"Yeah, sure...thanks mate," Louis added, still rubbing my back gently.

"Sure. Good night then," Zayn whispered.

I felt Louis shifting again, and one of his hands brushed gently through my hair and then over my cheek. He repeated it for what felt like an eternity and to be honest, I didn't want him to stop.

"Love?" Louis finally spoke up quietly. I didn't reply, hoping he wouldn't stop touching me.

"Hazza?" he pressed a light kiss onto my head and I couldn't help it...I smiled like an idiot.

"You're not even asleep! Ha! I knew it," he whisper-yelled, keeping his voice low because it was still the middle of the night.

"Dontwannagetup..." I mumbled into his chest, making Louis giggle quietly. He brushed through my hair again, his fingers feeling good on my scalp.

"I know babe, me neither. But we can't sleep here, our backs would kill us tomorrow. Maybe not yours, because you're still young and stuff. But mine would 100%...I'm old and frail."

"Y'not old...you're comfy..." I mumbled again, definitely not wanting to get up.

Louis let go off me gently and I felt a dip in the couch. The cold hit me immediately, making me shiver and curl up, trying to find a warm spot again.

"Come on, love. We can continue cuddling once we're in bed," Louis whispered into my ear, leaning over me. I just tried to bury myself more into the couch, but at that moment, I felt one arm under my knees and one under my upper back, and seconds later, I was snuggled up against Louis' chest again, my legs dangling in the air. I gave a small gasp and wrapped an arm around his neck, not sure if I really needed to hold on or if I just wanted to be as close to him as possible.

"You don't have to carry me," I yawned quietly, my eyes still closed. "I bet I'm heavy."

"It's okay, love. You're by far not as heavy as someone with your length should be," he replied with a whisper, trying to not wake me up even more. Louis seemed to carry me upstairs easily, and when we arrived at out room, he lay me down on my half of the bed gently.

"Do you wanna change? You're still wearing your sweatpants," he asked and I shook my head slightly.   
"Normally I sleep just in my boxers," I countered in a tired voice, not really thinking about what I was saying.

"Okay, then lift up your bum." If I hadn't been so tired, I would have stripped them off by myself, but I wasn't about to refuse Louis' help right now. He tucked me in and pressed a light kiss to top of my head. "I'll be back in a second," he said as he left the room, and slowly, some of the memories came back. Did Louis just carry me upstairs and tuck me in? And did he take off my sweatpants? Did we just snuggle on the couch? Wait, fuck...did we really kiss? My eyes shot open. _Fuck_. Reality hit me hard and the bubble which I was currently in burst. Only a few hours ago, Louis told me that he still loved me and we kissed - more than once. I felt my chest tighten...If Louis loved me and I loved Louis, would that mean...I couldn't do that. I mean, how could I forgive him what he did to me years ago? Sure, we all made mistakes from time to time, but this wasn't just a simple mistake. He lied to me and he made fun of me in front of everyone I knew. I cut my hair because he told me it looked stupid, and I did literally every diet possible because he  told me that I looked... 

When I heard the bathroom door open, I closed my eyes really fast. I definitely didn't want to talk right now, because I was still confused as fuck. On one side, I loved Louis, but on the other side, I didn't know if he was actually serious, or if I could forgive him for what he'd done. Or had I already forgiven him? God, I was so fucking confused. I felt the mattress on the other side of the bed dip in, and a few seconds, later Louis was snuggling against my back, his arm wrapped around my waist, and his face buried in my neck, kissing me lightly. I didn't know what was going on in Louis' mind. Maybe he had really changed since back then, maybe he was really sorry, but I just didn't know if I could...

"You're so beautiful," Louis whispered, barely noticeable. Apparently he thought I was asleep already. Why would he say something so nice, when he was fooling me and didn't even think I was awake? I had to get clarity, I had to know exactly what was going on, otherwise it would drive me crazy. I took  a deep breath and turned around carefully, giving Louis a chance to back up a little.

"You're awake?" Louis realized, sounding a bit surprised. I nodded and Louis brushed his thumb over my cheek. I swallowed, trying to find the right words to start.

"L-Louis..." I stuttered, hesitating for another minute before continuing. "Are you serious? You're not playing some stupid game with me to just...you know...are you?" I bit my lip, knowing how stupid this must sound, but I couldn't keep letting this go on without knowing the truth.

"What?" Louis sounded kinda of shocked. "Harry, why would I? You know I would never do something like that, especially not to you!"

"You did once," I mumbled, remembering the pain too well. I tried to push it away, not wanting to cry right now.

"No, I didn't..." There was definitely confusion in Louis' voice, but I couldn't tell if he was faking it or not.

"Louis, I'm not dumb. It's okay. We're older no-" I started to say, but he cut me short. He reached over my head to turn on the light on the nightstand, staring at me in confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about, Harry?"

"Louis...come on. Don't make me tell you again," I begged him. I couldn't talk about it...fuck, why did this have to happen?

"Harry, I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. Please...please just talk to me..." His face revealed that he really had not even the slightest clue what I was alluding to.

"I mean...we both know that you told me that you liked me, just to, you know..." I bit my lip, feeling a bit embarrassed talking about it. Louis sat up across from me, his eyes wide.

"No, actually I don't. You're confusing the shit out of me, Harry. What is going on here?" he looked at me questioningly. Now I was the one who was getting confused.

"When we made out for the first time..." I avoided his gaze. He had to remember this.

"Okay, Harry. Can you please use whole sentences, because I still don't understand. I never told you that I liked you because I wanted sex with you. I was the one who turned down the offer, remember? I liked you a lot, even back then, and I wanted it to be perfect between us!" he exclaimed.

I swallowed. I know that it was kinda masochistic of me to ask, but I had to know.

"Then...then why did you made fun of me in front of the whole year?" I choked a little on my own words, on the verge of tears.

Louis ran a hand through his hair, looking frustrated and stressed. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, and I wasn't sure how to take that, so I just sat there. 

"Did you think about the possibility that you hurt me? That you spread lies about me just because you thought it would be cool or something like that?" His voice was harder than it had been before. 

"I hurt you? You were the one who hurt me," I said, my tone scornful. Why was he saying that I hurt him? I definitely hadn't...

"I wasn't the one who lied about us having sex, and then proceeded to mention how horrible I was at it..." Louis bristled with a bit of something that almost sounded like anger.

"But I...I never said that!" I countered, now suddenly extremely confused.

"Umm...yes you did. It was all over school the next morning. 'Oh my god, someone said Harry Styles had sex with Louis Tomlinson and it sucked...' 'always knew that Tomlinson would be a terrible shag...' All of that! You can't tell me you don't remember that."

"What the hell are you talking about? I never said anything like that...we never had sex! Why would you think that?" I was confused as fuck and scared now, because I knew for a fact that none of those words had come out of my mouth at any point.

"Because I heard it...from everyone! I couldn't even believe that you of all people would say something like that..." The bite was now gone from Louis' voice and his shoulders were sagging. 

"Maybe because I didn't, I swear to you, Louis, those words never left my mouth. And I would never say something like that. And wait...if you heard this, why didn't you think to ask me about it?" I raised an eyebrow, understanding coming to me slowly...if this was what had happened...if it was true...

"No...I mean, Harry. I was so far gone for you. I thought we were good...that we were going to be a great couple, and I was so fucking happy, and then I heard that you said those things about me and I just snapped. I know it was rude to say all those things in front of everyone else, but I felt like I was being played. In my head, it was like 'fine, you want to play this game? We can play this game.' You actually broke my heart...I didn't know what to do..." Louis said quietly, his eyes glazed with tears.

"Why didn't you ask me about it?" I repeated myself, swallowing over the lump in my throat.

"What would it have changed?" Louis looked down on his hands, very embarrassed.

"Maybe I'd have told you that what you were hearing was all lies and that I hadn't even told anyone you were my boyfriend yet, let alone divulged any kind of secret about our personal lives." I blurted out, not believing that all of this was just another fucking misunderstanding, just like the text from Niall that I saw the other day.

"W-What?" Louis stuttered, his head snapping up.

"Fuck, Louis. I never ever said those things about you. I would never do that to someone I love. I've been in love with you since, well, since forever. It was always you, always has been you. I was so fucking happy when we finally kissed, and then I thought you fooled me just to have sex with me, because after that night you talked shit about me in front of everyone. I thought you didn't like me anymore after seeing me naked and...and you said such mean things...You just told me that you said those things because you thought I told everyone lies about you _,_ which is utter bullshit." I shook my head in disbelief, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. I felt so overwhelmed because of this whole situation.Everything that had happened between Louis and me, everything that made me so insecure, was based on a misunderstanding?! This was so fucking ridiculous. Louis didn't say anything at all. But hold on...if Louis thought I was the one who played him, why did he try to be friends with me again? I mean, I know why I tried. Even though I thought he broke my heart, I simply couldn't stay away from him, and apparently he couldn't stay away from me either. Was it possible that he had as strong of feelings as I had?

Louis looked pale and shocked, apparently trying to process everything that was happening right now. 

"W-What?" he mumbled to himself, looking from me to the bed and back to me. "Oh my gosh. I...fuck, Harry, I...I'm so sorry..."

"It's fine, Louis. Looks like we were both idiots. I'm sorry, too. I'd never do something like that to you. Never in a million years." I tried to smile, but I was choking on tears. I didn't even know if they were tears of anger, tears of relief, or tears of happiness. I had no fucking clue.

"No, don't cry love. It's not your fault. We were both acting like complete fucktards. I knew deep down, Harry...I knew you wouldn't do something like that...I don't know w-why I believed it. I think I... I just couldn't believe that you actually loved someone like me, and hearing those things supposedly from you just..." he said slowly, sounding like he was struggling to hold back his tears, and when I looked up, I saw tears already tracing Louis' cheeks. Seeing Louis like this made me realize that I wasn't the only one that had been going through hell. He was just as hurt as I was, he simply had another way to express it. 

My Louis had never been gone. I just didn't want to see it. He was always the Louis that I used to know. He was simply hurt and acting like an ass around me was his way of dealing with the situation. I felt so stupid for assuming all those negative things, and what hurt even more was the fact that he had loved me this entire time just as much as I had loved him. He had been trying to deal with our past over the last few months as well. Every time we met, every time I was over at Liam's, he had been struggling as much as I had. I treated him like garbage...and...fuck. He must have thought I was a fucking smug person...saying those horrible lies and then acting like nothing had ever happened. It was the exact same way that I felt about him over the last few months. We were both dealing with broken hearts that we hadn't meant to break, and right now, I was about to burst out in tears. Louis must have noticed, because he moved over to me, pulling me to his chest and holding me tightly. He started rubbing my back and at this point I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. Louis didn't say anything, but I knew he was crying too. He just held me tight and that was more that I could have ever asked for. "I'm so sorry...so sorry," He mumbled the words into my curls over and over again. 

"S-so...Y-you didn't m-mean t-the things y-you said...i-in front of the o-others? All that stuff about...me being u-ugly?" I stuttered through my tears. Louis stopped rubbing my back immediately, holding me at arm's length and looking at me in horror.

"Oh my fucking god..." he mumbled. "Harry, please don't tell me you're struggling so much with yourself because of what I said..."

I didn't reply, which was as good as a confirmation to him. He gripped my shoulders in a firm but gentle way and made me look him in his eyes, his expression one of absolute seriousness.

"Hazza...I'm so fucking sorry. No, of course none of that was true. Not at all. You're so gorgeous, Harry, and you always had been! I have been admiring you and your beautiful eyes since we were little. You're perfect to me, Haz. Your eyes, your lips, your jawline, your curly hair, your bum, your legs...everything, simply everything is perfect about you, Harry. Jesus, I'd snog you all day long if I could. And you're such a wonderful, inspiring person. I've never met anyone who was so real, so honest, cute and clumsy like you are! Harry, believe me when I say everything I said on that day was simply a lie! I was hurt, I was young and naive. I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, but I regretted it the moment I saw your face. Fuck, I'd take it back if I could. I want to take it back, fuck I"m so sorry..." He cupped my cheeks, brushing away my tears with his thumbs. "Harry Edward Styles, I fucking love you so much. You're such a wonderful, wonderful boy." Only a few seconds later I felt his lips against mine. Tears still streaming down my face, but I felt so much lighter. Everything had been a misunderstanding, and I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to be close to him for the rest of my life and never let go. I kept kissing him, the kiss becoming very passionate and needy.  I needed him just as much as he needed me, and neither of us seemed to want to stop.  After a while, however, Louis' lips left mine as he took a breath.  I just stared at him, at a loss for words, my lips swollen from our kiss.

"Can you promise me something, Hazza?" Louis asked in a gentle tone, trying to calm down, because I was still crying. I nodded. I would promise him anything that he wanted right now.

"Whenever there's be a problem, talk to me. And I promise I'll talk to you. Two huge misunderstandings...we can't let it happen again..." 

"P-promise...I mean Pinky-promise." I added and Louis cracked a little smile, apparently remembering that we used to do that a lot when we were little.

"Pinky-promise," he whispered back, and this time it was me that reached out to wipe away his tears. Seeing Louis cry made me want to cry even more. All I wanted was him being happy. 

"Lou?" I was the one who spoke up now. "Is there any chance, that I might get another cuddle from you tonight?" I blushed and Louis just nodded and laid down next to me pulling me into his arms gently. We were laying face to face and his hand was resting on my waist, the tips of our noses almost touching. I yawned, trying to keep it small, but I felt so exhausted. Louis brushed over my cheek with the tips of his fingers and pecked my lips.

"I think we could both use some sleep," he said, and I noticed how tired he looked. 

"Yeah..." I almost whispered, almost falling asleep on the spot.

"Goodnight, Hazza..." Louis said in a soft tone, nuzzling his nose against mine.

"Night, Lou," I mumbled, and with that, I snuggled into his chest, feeling more safe and secure than I ever had in my life. This was what happiness felt like. 

____________________________________

When I woke up the next morning, Louis was gone. I felt panic flowing through my body. Shit. Did I just dream everything? Or did Louis freak out about what had happened last night and leave? I jumped up, throwing on my sweatpants and a sweater that was hanging over the armchair, and sprinted downstairs. When I entered the kitchen, Liam and Zayn were already sitting at the table.   
  
"Morning, Harry," Liam and Zayn said simultaneously, but I didn't even bother replying.

"W-where's Louis?  I stuttered, still slightly panicking.

Liam opened his mouth to say something when Louis entered the kitchen as well, carrying some bread. 

"Good morning, Hazza. I hope you slept well?" he beamed, and relief so strong coursed through me that I had no control over my next actions.  I didn't hesitate, but ran the two meters over to him and flung my arms around his neck in relief. Louis struggled to keep his balance, but somehow managed to grab onto the door frame  Louis started laughing, hugging me back tightly. I backed up a little, blushing and mumbled a quick sorry. I took a step back, realizing what I just had done. I must have looked like a psycho to the others, but when I looked over to Liam, I saw that he was trying to contain a laugh and Zayn was smirking at me. _Good job, Styles_. 

"Nice sweater, though. A bit small on you, but actually really cute," he added. I looked down, realizing that I was wearing one of Louis' sweaters _again_. I was pretty sure at this point my face was the color of a tomato. Louis pinched my cheek, leaving his hand resting there for a second. "I love it," he announced, winking at me. 

"Tomlinson #28. Well then..." Liam said, apparently referring to the big letters on my chest. I shook my head and started laughing. Fuck, this was definitely one of the most embarrassing things that had happened in a while, but to be honest, I couldn't care less. The huge weight that I had carried around for years was finally off my chest. I couldn't stop laughing and only seconds later the others joined as well.  It felt so good and for the first time in a long time, I was able to laugh at myself instead of judging myself. Louis pressed a kiss on my cheek and whispered: "I missed this Hazza."

"I missed this Lou, too," I replied, in such a quiet tone that only Louis could hear it. He smiled at me, squeezing me tightly. 

The doorbell rang, but neither Louis nor I thought about opening the door. We were captured in our happy bubble again. I couldn't look away from his gorgeous eyes, which were shining for the first time in ages...he looked so happy.

"Alright, alright. I'll get the door..." Liam exclaimed after no one seemed to respond. He smirked at me, patting my bum when he walked past me. "We're going to have a extensive talk about that. No back talk!" he whispered, so only I could hear him. I owed Nick so much. If he didn't convince me, I'd never had gone on this trip, and this had been worth every second. Liam and I were at more than good terms again, Zayn and I were closer, and fuck I finally could see what Liam saw in him. And last, but definitely not least, I had Louis back and I didn't wanna let go of him. 

__________________________________

"What do you mean the roads are closed?" I looked at Liam questioningly.

"Haven't you looked out of the window yet, Harry? It had snowed at least 22 inches last night. Remember the storm that was supposed to hit us two days ago? Well, it hit us now. Paul, the guy from the information desk, just said that all the roads are closed. We have to stay here for at least another night," Liam replied. I stood up and walked to the window, pushing the curtains aside. All I could see was white.

"Ugh. I have to call Nick, he'll be worried. If I don't tell him, he'd probably call the police on you." Liam, Zayn and Louis started giggling. "I'm not even kidding..." I insisted, but Louis just rolled his eyes and winked. I pulled out my phone and groaned.

"Fuck, no service. How about you guys?"

All of the boys checked their phones, but none of us had service. The storm must have caused it.

"Shit..." I mumbled. I didn't want Nick to worry about me. Louis pulled me onto his lap, knowing exactly what I was worrying about. "We'll find a way to tell him," he said trying to comfort me. "Let's just wait another hour or two, and if nothing changes, we can find Paul and see if he can help us, okay?"  I nodded, twiddling the ties of Louis' sweater. Louis always knew what to do or say to soothe me.

"Okay, let's get up then. How about I run you a hot bath and you can just relax in there. I'll figure this out for you, yeah, Boo?"  Louis suggested and I cracked a little smile, nodding, because no one could say no to a relaxing bath.

"Wow, you two are disgusting...worse than me and Li over here..." Zayn commented, and Louis just swatted him on the arm, poking my side lightly so I would get up. He then left the room and went up the stairs quickly.

"I guess I should have noticed that there was something between you...or that something happened...you guys were always very cuddly and then it just stopped...but now it's back." Liam mumbled, looking a bit upset with himself. I shook my head.

"I didn't want you to know...was a tough time, just didn't want to involve you in the drama. Don't worry about it, Li, you're fine." I assured him, and he smiled. He looked at his watch and then smirked.

"Guess your 'bath' is ready, Styles. Better get up there."

"Use protection!" Zayn called after me as I hurried towards the stairs, and I tried to ignore the stab of panic that ran through me at the mention of sex. I still was not recovered from the whole Xander thing, and I didn't want to get back into the mindset that Louis wanted me for sex. No. He loved me, and I trusted him, even if I was stupid for doing so. 

When I entered the bathroom a few minutes later, Louis had already filled the tub with water and there was a thick layer of bath-foam on it. At least 15 candles were scattered over the floor and soothing music was playing from the small system in the corner of the room. The curtains were open, showing off the large panorama window behind the tub that I hadn't noticed before. The view was amazing, what with everything being covered in untouched snow and the sunlight bouncing off of it in different places.

"Wow," I exclaimed, a bit overwhelmed. He had set that up for me? When he mentioned the bath, I thought he was talking about a simple bath, not the fancy version of it.

"Do you like it? I umm...thought this was a bit more you, relaxing...I know you like the romantic stuff...hope it's okay..." Louis stepped up behind me, resting his head on my shoulder.

"It's...perfect, Lou!" I turned around to face him. "Thank you so much".

He smiled. "You're welcome, baby. If you need anything else, just call me, okay?"

I nodded, giving him an honest smile. He was already on his way out when a thought occured to me, and without even stopping to consider it, I reached out and grabbed his arm. "Lou, wait." He looked at me in confusion. "Yeah?"

I bit my lip, looking to the floor. Wow, fuck this was a bad idea...I couldn't ask him this...fuck. "Do....you..." I stuttered, trying to find words. It was too late to ignore it, but I was almost terrified to ask.

"Do I what? Don't worry, Hazza, you can ask me..." he said softly. I swallowed, feeling a bit embarrassed that I was even about to ask this. I had no idea if we were even this far into any sort of relationship that it would be appropriate, but I really did want it, even if I was scared.

"D-do you...want to maybe...umm, come in...you know...with me?" I bit my lip even harder. Fucking hell, I was so embarrassing. Louis' eyebrows shot up in surprise and his mouth dropped open a little bit.

"Are you sure?" He asked after a bit, and even though I nodded, he didn't look convinced.

I nodded again, licking my lips before I spoke up again. "Yeah, I am. But...just if you want to...you probably don't...it was just a stupid ide-"

Louis stepped closer and pulled me into a hug. "Of course I do. But you don't have to if you're not sure about it. I can see the effort it took you just to ask...and I'm not even talking about getting actually naked yet."

"I..." I leaned my forehead onto his, our noses almost touching. "I am sure, Louis. You make me feel safe...grounded. Almost like gravity...I have to be around you to..."

"to feel complete." He finished my sentence, and I simply nodded, my lips pressed together. "Same goes for you, Harry...I can't stay away from you. Every minute without you feels like something is missing." 

"Yeah..." I managed, completely overwhelmed, because he took the words out of my mouth. Had he really felt like this the whole time and I hadn't noticed? "Exactly."

"Let's go in, then," he said gently, his hand rubbing my back.

"Lou...just one thing," I started to say, looking down at the floor.

"Mhm? What is it, love?" he inquired.

"C-can you maybe close your eyes until I...I mean...I don't...ugh..." I tried to find the right words, but I was stumbling, not sure how to explain it. I knew that he loved me and that it wouldn't matter to him, but I was still uncomfortable about anyone seeing my body.

"Of course, Hazza. You don't have to explain it," he replied, leaning in for a short kiss.

"O-okay. I'll turn around till you're in, if you want...Just..." I didn't finish my sentence, but just turned around to face the wall. 

"Okay," Louis simply added without questioning. I heard him stripping down his clothes. On the one hand I really wanted to watch him, because I couldn't look at him enough, and he was probably beautiful, but on the other hand, I was sure I would lose my mind over that and I wasn't sure how my body would react. I mean, I got a hard one once just because I played twister with him, and we had been fully clothed. I don't know what would happen if I saw him completely naked.

Louis didn't even ask why I turned around and I really appreciated that. He simply accepted me and my strange habits. He accepted me the way I was, even with my insecurities, and that was more than I could ever ask for. 

"Okay, I'm in. I'll close my eyes now. You tell me when I can open them again, okay?" Louis said in a soft tone, and I blushed. He was trying to make me feel safe, and it was quite adorable, if I was being honest.

"O-Okay," I mumbled turning around. Louis was sitting in the tub, his eyes closed like he had promised. I stripped off the sweater and my sweatpants as fast as possible, hesitating only for a second before pulling down my pants as well. I walked over to the tub and stepped in carefully.The water was hot, but not to hot. Just perfect, as cliche as that sounds. I sat down between Louis' legs, trying to be comfortable. "Umm...can I lean back on you?" I asked shyly, wanting to curl up in a ball and hide, but at the same time wanting Louis to hold me.

"Yeah, sure. Of course, love", Louis answered, his eyes still closed. I didn't reply to that, but instead leaned backwards until I felt Louis chest touching my back, my head resting a bit below his own. "You can open your eyes now," I said, turning my head a bit to the left so I could see him. Louis blinked a few times and then looked down at me with a soft smile. "Hello there," he whispered, pressing a light kiss to the side of my head.

"Hi," I replied very quietly. He gently circled his arms around my bare waist, pulling me a bit closer to him and just holding me. This was definitely the most relaxing thing that I had ever done. From time to time, his fingertips brushed over my chest and my abs, but neither of us said anything. This felt so amazing and intimate. It was just us, in our little happy bubble, and I never wanted it to end.

The radio switched songs and I chuckled a bit, recognizing the song that was playing.

"What's so funny, curly?" Louis whispered, still holding me tight, his face half buried in my hair as he nuzzled me.

"The song that's currently playing...it's called-" I tried to say, but Louis was faster.

"Gravity," he said with a smile, getting the reference almost right away, and I leaned my head back so he could kiss me. His lips moved gently with mine, keeping the kiss slow and intimate.

Louis always had been my gravity, and right now, in this moment, I was sure that he always would be.


	16. Chapter 16 - Facebook Official

"As much as I'd love to...mmm...keep kissing you...we should get out," Louis mumbled between small pecks to my lips, his fingers, still tracing carefully over my stomach. I shook my head and pressed my lips to his some more, trying to ignore the fact that I could feel some excitement pooling low in my stomach. After all, we had been pressed against each other for a good long while, not wearing any clothing, and although both of us had respected each other and not done a single thing, it was completely normal for me to start to feel something. 

"Lou...umm...will you close your eyes?" I asked, feeling embarrassed still. Even though Louis made me feel completely comfortable and I had surprisingly let him into the tub with me, I didn't want him to see me. Louis placed a careful hand on my cheek and brushed over it lightly, getting the side of my face wet.

"Don't be embarrassed, Hazza. Go on and get out and dressed and I'll meet you in our room, yeah?" Louis suggested, and I nodded, pecking his lips once more before placing a careful hand over his eyes and closing them. I climbed quickly out of the tub, grabbed a big, fluffy towel, and wrapped it securely around my waist. I hurried back, kissing Louis hard on the lips and then went quickly to our room, leaving a slightly stunned Louis behind in the water. 

I walked over to my bags and pulled out joggers and a long-sleeved shirt and pulled them both on, forgoing underwear. We weren't going anywhere, so I could free ball and not feel bad about it. It made me a little self-conscious, but I did it all the time at home with Nick, so what was the big deal if I did it here?

There was a gentle knock on the door and Louis peered in, his hair damp at the ends and a bit of a flush to his cheeks. He smiled when he saw that I was dressed and came in, his clothes folded in his arms. He set them down and came over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and placing his forehead on mine.

"That was really nice...wouldn't mind doing it again sometime." He nuzzled his nose against mine before capturing my lips in a chaste kiss. 

"Thank you for...you know...umm..." I mumbled, and he gave my waist a little squeeze.

"You don't have to say anything. Thank you for trusting me so much...I know it's probably hard to after...well, yeah. I'm just glad we are past it." He replied, giving me an awkward smile, and I just kissed him again, wanting to feel his lips on mine. Every kiss felt like the first, and made me feel safe and secure. 

"OI! ARE YOU TWO DONE UP THERE OR ARE WE GOING TO SIT DOWN HERE ALL DAY WAITING FOR YOU TO STOP DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU'RE DOING?" Liam's voice echoed up the stairs and Louis chuckled, his lips turning up in a smile against my lips. 

"C'mon, love. We can cuddle more tonight if you want to..."

I nodded, biting my lip as I stepped away from him, turning to pull on a jumper over my shirt. Louis wrapped his arms around me from behind and pressed kisses into my neck, making me giggle like mad. God, why was he so fucking perfect? He slipped his hand into mine and dragged me towards the stairs, sneaking in one last kiss before we went down to join Zayn and Liam for games. 

____________

"Okay, guys, it's time to get to the good games...let's play Truth Or Dare," Zayn suggested hours later. We had been doing stupid stuff all day to pass the time, and now, after we had some food in us, we were sitting around in front of the fire, bored out of our minds.

I swallowed hard at the mention of the game. I always had a lot of bad luck with Truth or Dare, and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to play. Louis' hand slid comfortably onto my thigh, squeezing it as he looked sideways at me. I gave Louis a smile, not letting on how nervous I was. I wanted to play with them. I didn't want to be a chicken or anything. 

"Okay, then, since you're suggesting it, you get to go first. Truth or Dare?" Louis asked Zayn, and Zayn didn't even hesitate to say, "Dare."

"Hmmmm...I dare you to eat a spoonful of mash, but feed it to yourself with your foot." Louis said, and Zayn scoffed.

"That's pathetic, Tommo, you're usually better than that." Zayn picked up a spoon with his toes, scooped up some mash, and put it in his mouth easily. Liam watched him with something like fascination on his face, like he knew how flexible Zayn was, and I had to contain myself from throwing up at the thought. 

"Okay, Harry. Truth or Dare?" Zayn turned to me, his mouth still full. I nibbled on my bottom lip before whispering my answer.

"Truth."

"Oh, let me see...what has been your favorite part of this trip so far?" Zayn and Liam were both smirking, and I blushed furiously, trying not to look at Louis.

"Umm...whelouiskissedme..." I mumbled quickly.

"Come again?" Liam asked, raising his eyebrows dramatically. I sighed, looking at the floor.

"When Louis kissed me..." I finally said, and I looked up at Louis quickly. His cheeks were flushed but he was smiling, and he leaned over and pressed a kiss to the side of my head, his hand tightening on my leg just a little. Zayn and Liam pretended to throw up behind the table.

"Truth or Dare, Liam?" I said quietly, and Liam locked eyes on me.

"Truth..." he said slowly, looking a tad bit nervous, and I actually smirked as I said it.

"Was last night the first time you and Zayn have ever had sex?" I asked, and Louis chuckled as Zayn and Liam both turned bright red.

"I think I can answer that one..." Louis started to say, but I shushed him, looking at my best friend with something like pride for asking such a question. 

"No." Liam whispered, and Louis actually laughed out loud.

"Definitely not. I heard you guys loud and clear...honest to god, I didn't know either of you were so loud in bed." 

"Shut up," Liam muttered, glaring at his brother, but it was no used. I was trying not to laugh myself, and Zayn looked utterly embarrassed, but payback is a bitch. 

"Oh, you are so gonna get it, Styles. Bro...truth or dare?" Liam looked murderous, but Louis didn't seem phased one bit.

"Go for it, little brother. There's no dare I've ever turned down." Louis said loftily.

"I dare you to get up, strip down to your boxers, and do a pole dance...right here in front of us. Don't you dare hold back either, I know you can dance sexily, I've come to pick you up from enough clubs to know..." Liam said triumphantly, and Louis looked floored. Apparently, he didn't think that Liam had it in him to ask something of that nature. I, on the other hand, was choking on air. Louis...stripping down and doing a dance in this room right in front of me??? This wasn't happening...fucking hell, I wouldn't make it through this.

Louis only hesitated for a moment before using my knee to push himself to his feet. Zayn and Liam had moved the small table out of the way, and Liam had his phone up with some music. As the music started to play, Louis started to mess with the bottom of his shirt, his lip between his teeth and his eyebrows pulled together. My breath caught in my chest but I kept my face as neutral as I could, not able to take my eyes off of him. Louis' shirt came slowly off and was dropped to the floor, and Louis ran his hands down his own chest, his fingers lingering on the waist band of his sweats. He looked right at me as he pulled his pants down his legs and I felt myself start to go hard almost at once. Damn it, he was packing heat. His pants now discarded, he started to move his hips in motion to the music, his fucking huge bum bouncing to the beat. I couldn't stop my own reaction to what he was doing, and in that moment, I knew that I shouldn't have gone without underwear. 

Louis didn't stop until the song was over, and from the moment he had dropped his sweats, he hadn't taken his eyes off of me. I wasn't sure if Zayn or Liam had noticed, but I sure had, and it was not helping my situation in the slightest. 

The song finally ended and Louis smirked, pulling his clothes back on quickly and taking his seat next to me. I needed to leave right now, I was almost fully hard and there was no way that it would go unnoticed if I didn't take care of it right now.

"Gotta use the bathroom, guys...be back..." I said quickly, standing up and turning my back to them as fast as I could and practically running for the stairs. I made it to mine and Louis' room and closed the door as quietly as I could. I walked to the window and leaned my head against it, hoping that the cold against my heated skin would help my erection go down, but it didn't. I could see myself completely tenting my sweats and I felt like I might explode. I walked carefully to the bed and stripped my joggers off, and my hard cock sprang up, slapping against my stomach. I got my hand on myself and started pumping myself, barely containing a moan. The contact felt so good and I just wanted relief. I swallowed and bit into my bottom lip to keep any sounds that I would make in, and started tugging on myself. I could feel the pleasure pooling in my stomach and my eyes slipped closed as I got lost in the feeling.

"Harry, I just wondered if you...holy shit..."

My eyes flashed open and I saw Louis standing in the doorway, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly agape. My hand faltered but it was too late to stop at this point. It would hurt if I just left it, and even my insecurities about my body didn't come to mind at this point. 

"I...I am so sorry, I'll just..." Louis stuttered, his face bright red, and he turned around to leave.

"Lou...wait..." I called after him, my voice cracking slightly, and he turned back, keeping his eyes averted. "Umm... you can watch...if you want..." I stuttered, my hand still jerking slowly as I let out choked breaths. Louis closed the door, not taking his eyes off of me, and I could see that his hand was drifting ever so slowly to his crotch, which, if I wasn't mistaken, looked a bit...bigger.

"Fucking hell, Haz..." Louis breathed out, just standing there and watching as I got myself off. At this point, I couldn't stop the little whimpers slipping past my lips, and Louis' face was starting to turn red. He looked wrecked and he hadn't even touched himself. Through the haze of my want to come, I knew that he must be extremely turned on, judging by the look on his face, but I was scared. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to touch me, not yet, anyway. But he had to get off as well, and I didn't want to stop him from that.

"Touch yourself", I commanded eagerly.

Louis wasted no time in stripping down his sweats and pants, his cock slowly unfolding and resting against his stomach, already mostly hard. Fuck, he was huge...and so thick. I flicked my wrist and a small moan escaped me, making Louis' dick twitch in his hand.

"Please...do something..." I begged, and Louis started tugging  himself, his eyes blown wide as he watched me, his wrist casually flicking over the head of his cock. 

"F-fuck...Lou...gonna come..." I groaned, trying to keep my voice down, and Louis merely nodded, his hand speeding up on himself. It only took a few more good tugs and a glance at Louis before I was coming, ribbons of white shooting out and hitting up my clothed chest. Louis whined high in his throat at the sight of me and was coming moments later, his hips stuttering up into his hand as he spilled over his fist. I continued to jerk myself through my orgasm, my face sporting a healthy flush.

"I...m'sorry, Lou...I had to...you...and that dance...fuck..." I said breathlessly, reaching for my joggers and tugging them on quickly. Louis was just sitting there, come leaking down his fist, staring at me like I was an alien that dropped from the sky. I felt the embarrassment coloring my cheeks even more than they already were. I should have known...he thought I was ugly.

Louis stood and grabbed a dirty shirt, wiping his hand off, and then pulled his boxers on, still not taking his eyes off of me. He pulled on a shirt and then crawled across the covers and curled up next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

"Don't even think it, Harry. You're gorgeous. I'm not judging you...that was the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life...fuck, you're so pretty when you're coming..."

"You...you're not disgusted?" I mumbled, turning my face to bury it in his shoulder. He held the back of my head with one hand, threading his fingers through my curls. Why was I so fucking weird? One minute I didn't care if he saw and I wanted him to touch me or himself or just come, and the next I was hiding like a coward and on the verge of tears for the tenth time since we had started this trip. 

"Of course I'm not...that was...wow, shit...I just...wow." Louis said seriously, pulling me back a bit to look me in the eye, and before I could say anything else, he kissed me, his lips wet and a bit swollen from him biting them. I kissed back, my eyes falling closed as I just drifted into the haze that always happened when he kissed me. His tongue was touching my lip...then it was in my mouth, and soon we were full on snogging, just holding each other for dear life. 

"Zayn and Li...they will be...nnngh...wondering where we are..." I moaned into his mouth, but he shook his head.

"They went to bed...or should I say 'to bed'...probably fucking as we speak..." Louis said, faking a disgusted tone, and I grinned a little bit, sucking on Louis' bottom lip and nipping it every now and then. Louis' breathing was becoming labored, and he trailed kisses down my neck, nibbling at the skin until he found a spot right under my ear and he latched onto it, biting and licking over it. Small whines came out of my throat and I threaded my fingers into his hair, letting him suck the hickey into my neck.

He backed off after one final lick over the spot, looking satisfied, and he pulled me to him tightly, pressing feather light kisses all over my face as he cuddled me. I wasn't quite sure how we could go from watching each other get off to hickeys to cuddling, but it just felt so easy with him. 

"Hazza..." Louis said into my ear, kissing below it gently.

"Mmmm..." I answered, feeling all warm and soft inside as I snuggled further into Louis' arms.

"I...uh, I wanted to talk to you about...about us." He said finally, and I tensed up immediately. I knew it. Of course he didn't like me, why had I given in to my feelings _again??_ Louis pressed a sudden kiss to my cheek, rubbing my arms comfortingly.

"No, no, not like that, love. I...I've been thinking about it, and I think I want to make it official...you know...make _us_ official. If that's okay with you..."

I took a second to let his words settle with me, and then my whole inside practically exploded with happiness. 

"You...you're serious? You want to make it public that you're dating...I mean that we are dating each other like...official official?"

Louis chuckled and moved his head so that it was resting comfortingly on my shoulder, his arms wrapped around my waist and his hands casually splaying across my stomach. "Of course I do. I love you, Haz. I want the world, or at least everyone that sees me in public, to know that you are mine. I want everyone to know that the most gorgeous and amazing boy in London is all mine."

"M'not gorgeous, Lou..." I mumbled, my cheeks flushing red at the compliment. Louis nudged the side of my head with his and when I turned to look at him, he kissed me, gentle and close-mouthed.

"You are to me, and that's what matters."

I smiled into the kiss and we just kissed for a bit, staying very gentle and soft with each other. Louis lay back against the pillows and let me lay my head on his chest. I turned and pressed my ear to his upper chest, listening to his heartbeat.

I sat up suddenly and gasped, and Louis steadied me by my waist, looking concerned as fuck.

"Lou...does this mean I can make it official on Facebook?" I asked, actual excitement building in my chest at the mere thought. I had never been able to do that before, and despite not getting on too much these days, that was still a big thing. Louis let out a puff of air and shoved me playfully.

"Damn it, Harry, I thought something was seriously wrong! You freaked out like that just to put this on Facebook??"

I blushed and kissed his cheek. "Yeah...m'stupid, I know, but I've been waiting forever to put it on there...please?" 

Louis sighed and turned his face to catch me off guard, capturing my lips in his and rolling over so he was on top of me, tickling my sides like crazy. I laughed breathlessly and fought against him, but despite being smaller than me, he was a lot stronger. He pinned my arms above my head and leaned down till he was less than an inch away from my face.

"You are the most adorable human being, you know that?" He muttered, pecking my lips several times before letting me go and latching on to me like a monkey. I buried my head in his shoulder and giggled, pulling him close to me. 

"You're amazing, Lou..." I said into his shoulder in almost a whisper, and I felt his lips on the top of my head, and then his voice, just as soft, whispering into my hair.

"I love you, my Hazza." 

____________

"OI, you two! Get up and stop being cute!" A voice reached my ears just moments before something hit me round the head, and I groaned, shoving the pillow away and clinging to the warm body next to me.

"Liam, for god's sake. They are being adorable, let them. It's payback for us driving them both crazy over the past few weeks, yeah?" Zayn's voice said in a whisper, and I felt Louis move under me a little bit, his hand coming up to brush through my hair. 

"If either of you says one more word, I will personally find you and kill you...now get out and pack on your own, I'm sure that you didn't do any of that last night..." Louis growled in a gravelly sleep filled voice. I shivered slightly, both at the sound of his voice and the sudden chill that hit me, and Louis held on to me tighter. I didn't hear another peep from Zayn or Liam, and I could only assume that they had taken Louis' warning seriously. 

"Hazza...baby, we have to get up now..." Louis whispered, and I felt a pair of warm lips on mine. My lips moved with his at once, and I wanted to keep kissing him, but I knew I probably had morning breath and I was not about to gross him out with that. I opened one eye and saw a mass of hair and one beautiful blue eye in my line of vision. A smile made its way to my face and I nuzzled my face into Louis' chest before sitting up and yawning. Louis let me go reluctantly and stood, stretching. I could hear all of his joints popping and he sighed with the sudden relief. He turned to me and smiled before heading to his bag and starting to root through it for clean clothes. 

I just stayed where I was, thinking and watching Louis. This was the first morning in a long long time that I had woken up and smiled first thing. It was the first time I had woken up and not felt anxious or scared or depressed. And it was the first morning that I hadn't jumped right out of bed to check my weight. All because I had Louis. Louis was the one making me smile. He was the one telling me how beautiful I was. He was the one that made all of my fears and doubts go away, simply by being there and by being himself...and by loving me for who I was without trying to change me. Fuck, I really did love him so much.

"What are you staring at, Haz?" Louis said, looking over his shoulder at me. I bit down on my lip, feeling the tears filling my eyes once again. "No, Hazza, don't cry, love, what's wrong?" Louis tossed the shirt he had been about to put on over his shoulder and came to sit down next to me, concern making his eyebrows crease. 

"N-nothing...just so lucky to have you...so fucking lucky..." I choked, wiping away the few stray tears quickly. Louis cupped my cheeks in his hands and brushed the remaining ones away with his thumb, staring into my eyes intensely.

"I think I'm the lucky one here..." He whispered, leaning in for a quick kiss. "We need to get dressed...the sooner we are out of here, the sooner we can make this 'Facebook Official'." He smirked at me and I stuck my tongue out at him, standing up and walking to my bag. I pulled on my ripped skinny jeans and a jumper and shoved the rest of my dirty stuff in my bag. I'd deal with laundry when I got home. Shit, I had so much to tell Nick!

"Ready?" Louis asked, and I turned towards the door. He had his hand held out and I grinned widely, taking it and lacing our fingers together. We walked down the stairs holding hands and Liam and Zayn were waiting by the door, making out, their bags discarded at their feet. 

"Oi, mates, I thought we were in a hurry. Stop sucking face and let's get going!" Louis said loudly, pushing between them and being just completely obnoxious. I smiled apologetically at my best friend, but he just called back to Louis,

"It's not like you didn't spend half of your time doing the same thing upstairs, wanker."

I blushed, but Louis didn't seem to have any issue owning up to that, pulling me in for a quick smack of the lips. 

We all finally piled into the car, Liam and Zayn in front and Louis and I in the back, and with that, we were on our way back to London. 


	17. Chapter 17 - Always Use Protection

Home. I was back home - back to reality. I honestly couldn't even being to process everything that had happened within the last two days. My whole world was upside down right now. Only three days ago, I thought I might have lost my best friend and Louis forever, but two days had changed everything.  After our trip I was on more than good terms with Liam again and I even got the chance to warm up with Zayn a bit more. And Louis...wow. Simply his name gave me butterflies in my stomach. He was my boyfriend. I shook my head in disbelief, a big grin on my face. _Boyfriend._  I let out a quiet giggle. Only a few minutes ago, Louis and I had changed our Facebook relationship status, and even tho it was nothing that "huge" for him, it was for me. Never in my life had I had the opportunity to do that and I wanted to show everyone my perfect boyfriend. Louis and I changed it while we were sitting in the backseat of the car, both of us giggling quietly so as not to alert Zayn and Liam to what we were doing. 

I was holding my bag in one hand and with the other one I tried to fumble the keys out of the pocket of my jacket. But before I could even put the key into the lock, the door swung open, revealing an excited Nick, who had apparently been waiting for me. 

"Harry!" he exclaimed, taking my bag, throwing it somewhere behind him, and pulling me into a tight hug. He tousled my hair. "I'm so glad you're back. I missed you so much, love! Thought I might die of boredom without you around."

"I missed you too, Nick," I replied, tightening our hug "Missed you a lot!"

Nick let go of me and then shoved my shoulder hard, looking almost mad.

"OW! Nick, what the fuck?" I yelled, rubbing my shoulder to ease the pain. 

" _Harry Styles is in a relationship with Louis Tomlinson,"_ he replied in a mocking tone. "How dare you, Harry! Why didn't you tell me? You could have at least warned me!"

"Sorry?" I mumbled, but Nick just pulled me into another hug. 

"I am happy for you, Harry. So happy. But please be careful, okay?" he whispered into my curls.

"I promise I will," I said, a smile plastered on my face, because how could I not smile thinking about Louis? Nick let go of me again and took a step back before speaking up again.

"You have to tell me everything! And we have to talk about safe sex!"

"Oh gosh. No..." I sighed, already knowing that there was no chance that Nick would give in. I was getting that talk no matter what.

"No back talk, young man," he warned me, trying to keep his face straight.

"Well...Maybe I can change into something more comfortable first?" I asked, waiting for his permission and not even knowing why I had asked for it in the first place. 

Nick shrugged. "Fine, go change. I'll make us some tea in the meantime. And after that we have a talk from man to...yeah almost man," he joked.

"Ha ha. Really funny, Mr. Grimshaw," I scoffed, turning to head for my room. Nick patted my bum playfully and I sighed. He was definitely something...something else. I was glad that I had someone like Nick. I mean, I had Liam, which was great, but I was pretty sure my good friendship with Nick might come in handy since Liam was Louis' brother and there would be topics that weren't meant for my boyfriend's brother's ears, even if he was my best friend.

A few minutes later, Nick and I were settled on the couch and I was wrapped into a soft comfy blanket, just glad to be home. I had already explained everything that had happened, but I knew he had questions.

"Okay...so you, Li and Zayn are on good terms now?" Nick asked, trying to sum up what I just had explained to him. I simply nodded, taking another sip of my tea. 

"That's awesome, Harry. I'm glad you could figure it out," he said, relieved. "And what about Louis? Beside him being your _boyfriend_?" he smirked.

 _Louis_. A big smile cracked up on my face, my eyes still focused on the cup of tea in my hands. I almost forgot that Nick was even in the room at that moment, my entire mind focused on Louis. It was Nick's high pitched squeal that brought me back to reality.

"What?" I looked at him questioningly. Never had I ever heard Nick make a sound like that. It was kind of concerning. 

"Nothing...You're just cute. Well...tell me. How did _this_ happen? I mean, that was kind of a speedy decision," he prompted, actually leaning in as though it would make me talk faster.

"Well...there were a lot of misunderstandings in the past. He told me that he never wanted just use me for sex. Some idiot told Louis I claimed me and Louis had sex, which happened to be right after Louis and I had kissed for the first time, and Louis was so hurt that he just snapped. That's when he decided to humiliate me in front of the whole of the school by calling me names and making fun of me. I had no idea, so I assumed that Louis had wanted to play with me and make me out to be a fool,"  I explained, still trying to process the fact that we could have avoid all of this if we had just talked to each other.

"And neither of you thought about asking the other one about it?" Nick inquired, raised an eyebrow.

I shook my head, embarrassed. We, me and Louis, had both been so fucking naive.

"Oh gosh. You two are definitely the dumbest people on the whole planet..." Nick exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief, but I could see the sparkle in his eye as he tried to hold back a laugh. "Honestly that's so tragic, but it's also a bit funny."

"Yeah...True story," I mumbled.

"And after that?" Nick spoke up again after a few moments, looking eager once more.

"We kissed," I smiled to myself, remembering how amazing it had been. Nick looked at me, a silent _awww_ escaping his mouth.

"...and then he walked in on me wanking," I admitted, hiding my face in my hands.

"W-what? Fuck. How did he react?" Nick looked at me wide-eyed. Apparently he had not been expecting that.

"He wanted to leave, but I....I asked him to stay. I thought it would be nice...if he'd watch? And apparently he was turned on too...so I told him he could touch himself too...and we ended up getting ourselves off next to each other," I mumbled, blushing and tugging on the sleeves of my jumper.

When Nick didn't reply, I looked up and caught him gaping at me, still wide-eyed. 

"Sorry. Maybe that was a bit too much information," I looked at him apologetically. 

"No. It's fine. I mean...wow. I just didn't expect that. Harold, for fuck's sake, don't tell me you even had sex!" he exclaimed, his expression becoming more shocked.

"Fuck, Jesus, Nick...NO!" I countered, blushing even more, completely embarrassed. 

"Sorry, I had to ask...Promise me you won't rush things just because you have a boyfriend now, okay? I mean, you've been through a lot and I don't want you to get hurt again.  And don't forget: always use protection. Only exception to that is if you've been dating for a while and you're both clean. I mean...pretty sure you're clean...since you...umm...haven't."

I shook my head in disbelief and embarrassment. Nick was really giving me the safe-sex talk.

"Oh yeah and I bought you some new-" he said, but the buzzing phone in my pocket distracted both of us. I looked at Nick apologetically, even though I was happy for the distraction. I looked down at my phone screen.  _1 new message_ from _unknown_. I tried to think about who could have texted me, but the moment I opened the message, I knew who it was, and a huge smile exploded on my face.

_L: Hey love. I just wanted to text you as I noticed that I didn't even have your number. That's why I asked Liam for it. I hope you don't mind, but wouldn't it be shitty if I didn't even have the number of my BOYFRIEND?? (sorry still super excited about that). Miss you already. x Louis_

 My heart jumped. I had totally forgotten about the fact that I didn't have Louis number either. I saved his number under "Lou" and put a big, red heart behind it.  Gosh, I missed him too. We had seen each other only a hour ago, but that was enough time to start missing his eyes, his voice, his touch...

"Judging by the look on your face, it's from your lover boy?" Nick asked, looking at me with a grin on his face. I nodded enthusiastically. "Oh boy, are you going to be all that cheeky and cute forever now?" he added and I just let out a quiet, honest laugh, avoiding the question, because I wasn't sure if even knew the answer to that.

"Well then..." Nick stood up, still smiling like a proud dad. "I'll leave you and your lover boy alone. I have to meet up with one of my tailors in about 15 minutes."

"Okay." I simply nodded, but before Nick could leave the room, I called him back. "Hey Nick...Thank you. I missed you."

"Aww. Missed you too, sweetheart," he replied, pressing a soft kiss on top of my curls. "See you later!"

I remembered Louis' text and unlocked my phone again, typing a quick reply.

_H: Hey Lou. No of course, I don't mind at all. I'm glad you texted, because I miss you too. Wish you were here...x_

I pressed sent and only a few moments later my phone buzzed again.

_L: Do you? Yeah, I wish that too. What are you up to, sweetcheeks?_

_H: Just talked to Nick, but he has an appointment...so I'm home alone again._

_L: Home alone? Little boys shouldn't be alone at home._

_H: Says the little one.... ;)_

I heard Nick closing the front door behind him. I laid down on the couch, turning on the TV to flip through some channels, but I had barely gotten comfortable before Louis' voice interrupted the silence.

"Oh shut it, Curly. I'm not that little!" Louis exclaimed, and my head snapped up, meeting his mesmerizing blue eyes. 

"Louis! How...w-what are you doing here?" I stumbled still surprised to see him here in the middle of my flat. And only seconds after we texted...what the fuck.

"I missed you way too much, so I decided to come over after I dropped off the boys at our flat. And I was going to knock, but Nick was about to leave...so, yeah...here I am. I hope you don't mind?" he said, biting his lip. Apparently he wasn't sure if this was a good idea.

"No! Not at all!" I said, jumping to my feet and pulling Louis into a hug. He pressed his lips onto mine and there was this explosion of feelings in my stomach. My heartbeat quickened and Louis seemed to notice, because he laid his hand on my chest, just where my heart was.. A smile spread across his face and I blushed. 

"Sorry. I can't help it" I mumbled. Louis didn't reply, just took my hand and placed it on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat too. It was just as fast as mine. A giddy smile lit up my face as I looked back up at him.

"Fast," I exclaimed happily, and Louis nodded, pressing his lips against mine again. He placed his hands on my hips, making me shiver instantly. He pulled me closer to him.

"Missed you so so much," he whispered, his forehead leaning against mine. 

"Missed you too," I replied, my eyes still closed because I wanted to stay in this moment as long as possible. Louis placed his hand on my cheek, caressing it with his thumb. I leaned into the touch, loving the warmth coming from his hand.

"Nice flat," Louis spoke up after a while.

"Oh...I forgot you never been here. Do you want me to show you around?" I asked, still holding onto him. 

"That would be lovely," he mumbled into my curls. I backed away, taking his hand and leading him to the first door in our sight.

"What's in there?"

"My room," I said, my cheeks flaming red.

"Your room? Wow, you're definitely not taking things slow, are you?" Louis smirked playfully, making me blush even more. 

"No...I...um...just the first doo-" I stumbled, but Louis cut me short. 

"Calm down, Haz. I was just kidding," he said pinching my cheek. I didn't reply but opened the door to my room. Being the polite person that I am, I let Louis enter first. Louis didn't say anything, casually looking around. Even though I had only been in his room for a few minutes all those weeks ago, I could already tell that his was definitely a whole messier than mine. I liked it clean and organized. Louis, on the other hand, seemed to love the chaos. An old antique armchair was standing in the corner of my room next to a huge book shelf, the sewing machine was sitting in front of the big window, which I needed for most of my courses at university. The mannequin next to it was wrapped in some fancy fabric. I had an old, white metallic bed, which was standing in front of an old brick stone wall on the opposite side of the room. The metallic ornaments at the end of the bed were decorated with some fairy lights, giving the room a comfy mood. 

"I know..." I said apologetically, "it's a bit girly. But...I quite like it that way" I shrugged and Louis turned around to face me. 

"I love it, Hazza. It's perfect for you. Just like I pictured it," he said, pulling me into a tight hug, but he pulled away just as quickly, his eyes trained on my night stand. He let go of me and walked over, and I turned to see what he was looking at.

"Taking it slow, eh?" Louis smirked before picking up a small bottle that was sitting on the night stand. I froze...fuck, no, it couldn't be...

"Strawberry taste? You like the flavored ones? Noted," he mocked me playfully, an eyebrow raised. 

My eyes went even wider and Louis handed me a note that was pinned to the bottle. 

 _Always stock your supplies! Nick ;)_ He did not. Ugh. I was going to kill him. I threw my face into my hands, shaking my head in embarrassment. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me.  Louis let out a laugh.

"Don't be embarrassed, love. We all have lube at home. Okay, to be fair: mine is not standing on my nightstand, it's in the drawer, but yeah..." he said, still trying to hide a laugh. 

"Oh shut it, Lou," I said, pushing him playfully. 

"Nick seems to care a lot about you," Louis noticed, sitting down on my bed. 

"He does. We're close...I mean, we have been through a lot. I owe him ... I owe him so much," I replied, sitting down next to him. "Is...is that a problem for you?" I asked, not knowing where this insecurity was coming from. Oh shit, I hoped Louis wouldn't make me choose between Nick and him. I felt my chest tighten in fear...what would I pick?

"No, Harry. Not at all. Quite the contrary, actually. I'm glad you have someone who cares about you that much...beside Liam and me of course," he added, smiling at me and pushing a loose curl out of my face. I was definitely glad as well. If I hadn't met Nick, if I didn't have him to help me when I was scared, I'd still be on very bad terms with the boys and I probably would have already starved myself to death. 

"You didn't make out or something like that, did you?  Louis blurted out all of a sudden, his eyes going wide.

"Hell, no. Louis. He's Nick. I love him, but no....no way. That would be like snogging Liam...Jesus, no." I exclaimed, not believing that he actually considered that. 

"Okay, okay. Just wanted to make sure," he said, laying down on the bed. I placed myself next to him, snuggling against his chest, and I could have laid there forever, but something was bugging me at the back of my mind. I turned my head so that I could see him.

"Lou..can I ask you something?" I looked up at him questioningly. 

"You can ask me anything, love. You know that," he said softly, brushing through my hair. 

"Did you have a...umm, a boyfriend...after...you know? Or did you decide to take it easy and just...shag random guys from time to time?" I asked, but the moment the words were out of my mouth, I was completely unsure if I even wanted to know the answer. Fuck me and my stupid questions.  Louis took a deep breath, letting it out through his nose.

"Um...I actually did, yeah. Have a boyfriend, I mean. I met him a year after everything happened between us," Louis answered. My body immediately stiffened, even though it had just been an innocent question with an honest answer. Louis' hand moved to rub my back comfortingly. 

"Tell me about him," I said, the words slipping out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about it. Louis hesitated for a moment. It seemed like he was deliberating about whether it would be a good choice to talk about it or not.

"Um...Max was actually a pretty genuine guy. We had been dating for almost a year and a half. Yeah...I thought that I loved him and somehow I did...but it just didn't feel right. It felt like something was missing. And at some point I realized that it was you that was missing and that I could never love him as much as I had loved you, and it was unfair to him. So it was only fair to end it..." Louis paused, looking at me like he wanted to make sure if I was okay with him telling me about it. I nodded, just listening, and he continued. "We're still friends. Pretty good friends, to be honest. He left London only a few months after we broke up, but we keep in touch. Every now and then he comes for a visit and Zayn, me and him hang out."

I swallowed. They were still in touch? 

"Did you ...you know...did the...sex?" I stuttered, biting my lip. Why the hell did I ask him that? I knew Louis had sex after our fallout, but for me, even though I never had any sex, there was a difference between sex with a random guy and having sex with someone that you care about. Maybe that's why I was... _jealous_? about Max. Louis seemed to notice my discomfort because his fingers started drawing random shapes on my back, just being comforting.

"Yes, we did. We had been dating for a while and we thought it was the right time. He was actually the first person I had sex with,"  he continued.

"Thanks for the reminder..."I mumbled to myself. I didn't know what I had expected, but imagining Louis having his first time with him instead of _me_ , like we always we wanted to do, simply felt wrong. I wasn't saying it was Louis' fault, but it was simply supposed to be _us_. Louis definitely noticed the change in my tone because he pulled me tightly to him, cuddling me.

"Hey...Haz..." he whispered, "Don't think about it to much, okay?" I nodded, despite it being the only thing on my mind. I didn't want Louis to feel bad about having sex, but...

"Are you mad about it...? Mad at me?" he looked at me, concerned because I wasn't speaking. How could I be mad at him? I mean, I knew that he'd had sex before, but somehow this whole sex thing with Max bothered me.

"Um...no. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself...that I let this happen. I always wanted to do it with you...you know?" I said, my face flushing and the hurt prominent in my voice, no matter how hard I tried to hold it back.

"But _you_ can still have this...with me," he said quietly, pressing a light kiss on my forehead. 

"Yeah..I can, but _you_ can't...I'm sor-" I almost choked on my tears, but Louis interrupted me.

"Stop that, Harry. I mean, yeah, we always said we wanted to do it together. It was a teenage fantasy that we had. But life isn't always how we expect it to be. I mean...I wish it didn't have to be like it happened, but we can't chance things anymore. Baby, thinking and brooding over the past doesn't change anything. Let's try to make the best out of what we have now, okay?" he looked at me curiously, waiting for me to respond. 

"Okay," I mumbled and a little smile appeared on Louis' face. 

"Good boy," he pressed another kiss on my forehead and I snuggled closer to his chest, just wanting to be close to him. Louis wrapped an arm around me and held me tight. We lay there for a long time without saying anything, and at some point, we both fell asleep, being completely exhausted from our trip.

When I woke up, the clock told me that we had been asleep for three hours. The spot were Louis had been was still warm, so he couldn't have been up too long. I heard voices from the living room, so I stood up and tip toed over to the door, which was cracked open a little bit. I opened it up a bit wider spotting Louis and Nick sitting on the couch. 

"You know I don't wanna do this, but listen, Louis...I swear to god if-" Nick said, but Louis cut him off.

"I know Nick. That's-"

"Please, Louis. Let me finish," Nick interrupted him politely, and Louis stopped talking, nodding kindly.

"What I was about to say - I swear to god if you hurt him somehow, I'll rip off your balls and shove them down your throat. I know you didn't hurt him on purpose in the past, but the fact is you _did_ hurt him. I was there to pick up the pieces way too many times. I know how devastated he was whenever something happened between the both of you,even if it was something small..."

I swallowed. Nick was really giving Louis  _that_ talk. First he gave me the _sex_ talk and now he was giving Louis the _don't-hurt-my-friend-_ talk.

"I know, Nick. And I feel terrible about it..but like you said, I didn't do it on purpose and he happened hurt me too. Of course he didn't do it on purpose either, but that was the past. Those things happened, but I don't plan on hurting him ever again. I promise you, Nick," Louis countered, and I felt my heart jump a little at this. 

"Good...good. I know, don't get me wrong. I genuinely believe that you're a nice guy...I just had to say it. Harry is like a little brother to me. He's an amazing young man, but he looks at the world like it's a fairy tale sometimes. Deep within, he's just a fragile boy who was hurt way too many times. I'd cover him in cotton wool if I could, just so I could protect him from hurt," Nick continued "And you and me are old enough to talk about this too...and I'm sure you won't push him, but take things slow...I mean, sex-wise."

I coughed, almost choking at what I was hearing. Was he fucking _serious?_  I mean I was 'okay' with him giving me the sex-talk, but Louis? I felt secondhand embarrassment. Nick's head snapped up. Fuck, he must have heard me. He sighed. 

"Harry, you can come out here. You don't have to eavesdrop."

I swallowed hard as I stepped out of the room, looking down at the floor, feeling even more embarrassed. From the corner of my eye I could see Louis and Nick smirking at each other. 

"I didn't eavesdrop..." I mumbled, still not looking up as I sat down between them.

"Sure, you would _never,_ " Nick mocked me playfully, pinching my cheek.

I poked my tongue out to him and he just rolled his eyes. Louis giggled next to us and I smiled at him shyly, still not over the fact that Nick talked about our non-existent sex-life. He grabbed my hand, lead it to his mouth, and kissed it gently, which made me smile even wider.

"Oh gosh. You two are fucking disgusting. But speaking of fucking, I have a date to attend. So keep doing whatever you're doing. I won't be home before tomorrow morning," Nick said, acting disgusted. 

"Always use protection," I mocked him and Louis just giggled. Yep, payback was a bitch. 

"Oh shut it, you two! Grow the fuck up," he said, waving at us while pretending to be annoyed. "See ya soon."

"Bye," Louis and I chorused, waving at him.

"And make sure this lad gets some food in his stomach," Nick added before heading for the door. I rolled my eyes at his comment.

"Come on, love. You heard your mommy. Be a good boy and let's get you some food," Louis bantered, holding out his hand for me to take.

"Okay, okay,  _Daddy,_ " I countered, poking my tongue out at him.

"Mmm...I quite like that," he purred, giving me a sexy eye. I pushed him playfully, but he just stood up and dragged me to the kitchen with him. I sat down on a chair while Louis opened the fridge, looking for something to eat. He wrinkled his nose as he grabbed something from the back of the fridge. 

"What the fuck is this?" he looked at me questioningly and I started giggling immediately. Was he fucking serious? Judging by the look on his face, he was. 

"Louis...that is kale," I face-palmed myself.

"Aha," he said in a disgusted tone, before throwing back into the fridge "We definitely won't be eating that." I shook my head, grinning at him.

"Do you have something like...meat? Or pizza?" he asked, sounding a bit tortured. 

"I don't know. Nick did the grocery shopping. Let me see," I said and stepped up next to Louis. While I was looking through the groceries Louis spotted a bottle of white wine. 

"Fancy shit," he exclaimed as he grabbed the bottle to examine it.

"Says the one with the piano in his flat," I mocked him playfully. He pulled me into a hug and pressed his lips against mine. "Have I told you yet how much I love you?" he mumbled against my lips.

"Mhhh..not that I could remember," I said jokingly, and Louis faked being offended. 

"Well then...I love you so fucking much, Haz.....so so much," he countered in such a soft tone that I thought I might melt any second.

"I love you too, Lou. Love you so much," I whispered before pressing our lips back together.

"As much as I want you for dinner, I don't think that is an actual option," he mumbled against my lips, and a small smile interrupted our kissing for a moment.

"Mhmmmm," I hummed, kissing him again.

"Stop distracting me, Harold," he warned me, backing away a few steps. I sighed at the loss of contact. 

"What about ordering sushi?" I suggested before Louis could come up with ordering greasy pizza. I didn't want to disappoint him, but I could not eat pizza...definitely not.

"Mmm, even fancier," Louis mumbled, already pressing his lips against mine again. 

"Shut it," I said but Louis was already starting to kiss me eagerly. Fuck food. This was everything I needed. He slipped his hand under my shirt and placed it on my hip. Feeling his skin against mine made me shiver. I nipped at his bottom lip and his tongue traced over it, slipping into my mouth just a little bit. 

My phone buzzed in the pocket of my sweater and Louis sighed against my lips, reluctantly letting me go. I grabbed it and grumbled at the tons of notifications on my screen. There were a bunch of Facebook notifications from some friends from home, one from Liam, and even my sister. I opened Facebook and Louis leaned over my shoulder to look.

 _Liam Tomlinson-Payne, Zayn Malik, Jay Tomlinson-Payne and 23 others commented on your relationship status_. I smirked and scrolled through the comments. 

 **Liam Tomlinson-Payne :** _OMG! Why haven't you told me!? OMG <3_

 **Zayn Malik :** _So so happy for you guys! Took you forever to figure things out, but you made it! x_

**Anne Twist :** _Are you guys kidding me? Jay is on the phone right now and we're having a heart-attack. You could have warned us!_

**Jay Tomlinson-Payne :** _We always knew that you had this special connection. x_

"Seems like our moms are quite happy," I laughed, holding my phone under Louis' nose. He started giggling "They always knew..."

I smiled at him. "Yeah they did..."

My phone buzzed again. Another comment appeared on my feed.

 **Ma X :** _Happy for you, Lou :) Hope it will work out this time. Love ya. x_

My stomach contracted a little on that last comment, knowing exactly who it was from. This could be _the_ Max, like in Louis' fucking ex. Fucking shit. I clicked on his picture and gaped at it. He looked like a fucking model. It was a shirtless picture of him. He was a tall, dark haired boy. His hair was a bit curly, but not as curly as mine. He had bright dark eyes, a honest smile, a few tattoos on his arms, and, of course, he had a fucking six-pack. 

"What is it, love?" Louis asked, apparently noticing that my happiness had faded. I didn't reply immediately and closed the app. I didn't want Louis to know that I was fucking jealous again. 

"Nothing," I mumbled, trying to fake a smile, but I just couldn't.

"You're not even trying to hide it, baby," Louis exclaimed, poking my side. I let out a frustrated breath, knowing there was no chance that Lou would stop asking about it.

"Why...Why didn't you told me that he looks like a fucking model?, I mumbled, fumbling with the strings of Louis' sweater. 

"Who?" Louis looked at me, confused. I sighed, opening the app again and shoving Max's profile picture under his nose. Louis rolled his eyes, sitting down on a chair next to us and pulling me onto his lap. 

"Okay, love. Why are you that jealous?"

"...'M not," I mumbled, looking down, embarrassed by my own reaction. 

"I think I told you a few times already, but for the record - you're the worst liar ever," he brushed my cheek, making me look up at him.

"Harry...there is no reason to be jealous. Yes, we had a relationship, yes, he was important to me. He still is, just in a different way. We do have contact and yes, he is good looking."

I sighed again. I knew he was right. I really had no reason to be jealous, but some part of me just couldn't act different. I was just so terrified to lose him again.

"Look...he might be good looking, but look at you. For me, there is no prettier person out there than you. I don't want anyone else but _you,_ because I love _you_ and I always have. Please don't make me choose between my friends and you..." he paused looking at me and begging, before he continued "...because if I have to choose, I'd always choose you. But I don't wanna loose my friends, Harry. Please don't do this to me."

I felt bad. Of course I didn't want him to choose between his friends and me. I mean, only a few hours ago, I was panicking that _he_ might make me choose between him and Nick.

"I am not. Of course I'm not. I'd choose you too...I don't want you to make me choose either. I can understand where you're coming from. I...I...gosh. I just...I  just can't see why you like me that much. I'm a stupid 20 year old guy, who has so many problems to carry around, who...I don't look like a fucking model or anything...and I...I mean, you had so much sex before that and I...I just don't feel ready for it. I mean I want to...with you...but somehow I can't...yet. And that's pretty ridiculous because I'm 20. I..."

"Hazza...hey. Don't look at this as a competition. What Max and I had is something completely different, okay? It's the past. I'm here with you and it's 100 times better, because it's with _you_! And it's alright that you don't feel ready for anything like that yet. I would never push you. You'll be ready whenever you're ready. I mean, I love sex, of course I do. But I love you more, okay? And if you want to wait another 2 years, I'll wait another 2 years," he said, pecking my lips. "Maybe I'll have to watch you wanking from time to time instead, cause I can get off just to that, but..." he giggled and I buried my face in his neck. Wow, I fucking loved him so much.

"Seriously, Harry. We have all the time in the world." With that, I threw myself at him, brushing our lips together eagerly. 

 


	18. Chapter 18 - It's You, Only You

As much as I would have liked for that to become a regular thing, exams were approaching. I hadn't seen Louis properly in about three weeks. I wasn't complaining, because I knew that we were all busy with finals papers and projects and all, but I missed him like crazy. I missed his eyes, I missed his bright smile, his soft touches, his lips...god, the lips...

I sighed as I typed up the concluding paragraph to my third paper of the week, downing the rest of my almost cold tea. I was utterly exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just go to sleep, but I could hear Nick calling me from the kitchen. I hit the period with a hard tap, hit save, and stretched before walking out into the kitchen. The smell coming from the stove was enough to get my stomach rumbling, which reminded me that I hadn't eaten all day. I hadn't done it in purpose, but I'd had so much work and I just went from one thing to the next, not really stopping to breathe, let alone eat.

"Made your favorite pasta...you hungry?" Nick asked, already handing me a plate full. He'd taken to letting me decide if I was hungry lately instead of forcing me to eat, which obviously meant that I was getting better. I accepted the plate eagerly and sat at the table, waiting for Nick to join me before I started.

"So, you all ready for exams?" Nick asked, taking a sip of wine as he studied me.

"Yeah pretty ready. I just finished up my third paper...one more and I'll be all set." I replied with my mouth full, and nick chuckled.

"And how's the boyfriend?"

I blushed at the mention of Louis, just the thought of him making me smile. The dull ache in my chest from missing him, which I had managed to keep at bay by throwing myself into my work, stabbed at me.

"Haven't seen him a lot lately...I suppose he's good. Wish I could see him, though. Miss him lots."

Nick smiled, looking equally disgusted and endeared by my reaction.

"Well I'm sure you'll see him soon. I bet he misses you too."

"You going out tonight?" I asked quickly, wanting to change the subject so I wouldn't focus on missing Louis as much. Nick swallowed.

"I...umm, yeah, I am. But its not a new guy...same one as last week, actually."

My eyebrows shot up at this news. As long as I had known Nick, he had never done the same guy twice...ever.

"This guy is a lucky ass if he's getting two shots at you, Grimmy."

Nick looked down and...was he actually BLUSHING right now?

"We...umm, haven't had sex yet...I wanted to try just going out with him and see how it went and...he's really nice actually."

I applauded slowly and Nick threw his napkin at me.

"So...what's his name?" I inquired, sipping some wine myself.

"Aha...I'll tell you when I get back...If it works out, that is. Don't want to get my hopes up or anything...wow I sound pathetic...is this how people always act when they like someone?"

"Yes, nick, dear, it is. Those are called feelings..." I teased.

Nick rolled his eyes and suddenly there was a knock on the door. I started out of my chair but Nick stood up quickly.

"No no I'll get it, Haz. It's probably...yeah. Umm I'll see you later? You can leave the kitchen. I'll do it tomorrow or something..."

"I don't mind cleaning up, Nick. Go have fun. I hope he's good to you...you'll tell me if he isn't, right?"

"You know I will. Bye, Haz!" He kissed my curls quickly and hurried out. I finished up my food, feeling nice and full, and started cleaning up the table. I heard the door lock and I sighed. Another night alone...well maybe I'd be able to get my paper done. I filled the sink with water and soap and began to wash the dishes. Even though we had a dishwasher, I wanted to waste time, not wanting to write yet another paper.

Someones arms encircled me from behind and for about two seconds, all I felt was blind fear. What the fuck was going on? But then it hit me...these arms were familiar. This was the touch I had been craving for the past three weeks, and I immediately relaxed, leaning my head back and feeling lips touch mine. I turned around to face him and he pulled me close to him, deepening the kiss. I basically melted into Louis' arms as he kissed me passionately, and neither of us let go for a good long while.

"Shit...Hazza, I missed you so so much," Louis breathed, his forehead resting on mine as he caught his breath.

"Lou...how...what..." I stuttered, and Louis grinned.

"Nick gave me a key...thought it would be nice if I surprised you, since I just finished up all my work."

"Mmm...less talking more...other stuff..." I mumbled, pressing our lips together again. My cock was already starting to have a vague interest in what was going on and I had a feeling it was about to get a whole lot more interesting.

Louis walked me slowly back to the counter, not letting his lips part from mine. I could feel him getting hard against my hip and I moaned into his mouth, my cheeks flushing.

"Haz...I..." Louis panted, parting our lips to lean his forehead on mine. I was embarrassingly hard already and I felt kind of bad, but Louis didn't seem to mind. Louis seemed like he was trying to work out what to say. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his hands, which were shaking with adrenaline. "I...I want to...but I know you're not ready...are you?"

"I...I'm not sure what you mean..." I stuttered, my mind going immediately to sex, but Louis seemed to sense the uneasiness, because he shook his head, pecking my cheek right over my dimple.

"No no, not that far, love. I just...I want to touch you...please, can I touch you?"

I blushed furiously, shaking my head yes. I wanted it. I wanted him to touch me, I trusted him.

"Couch...please..." I said into his mouth as his lips connected immediately with mine. Fuck. This was actually happening.

Louis kissed me a good bit more before finally leading me to the couch by the hand, being very gentle despite how hard and horny we both were at this point. We both sank down onto the cushions, making out slowly, just letting our tongues lazily fuck into each other's mouths. Louis' hand trailed down my chest, running over my nipples under my shirt and making them hard. His hand slipped under my shirt to rest on my waist, squeezing it a little bit, and I moaned into his mouth, trying to move closer to him. My hands were tangled in his hair and I couldn't get enough of his lips, even as they trailed down my neck to suck right under my ear lightly. I keened at that, grinding down on his leg, which was bent under me.

"Fuck...Hazza, may I touch you...?" Louis' voice came out shaky, though he was being extremely polite, and I really appreciated that. Instead of just doing it like any other guy would have, he was making sure that I was ready, asking if I was okay with what he was doing...it was refreshing.

"Yeah...yes, please, god, Lou..." I said breathlessly, and Louis' hand slipped from under my shirt down to the front of my pants, where he lightly palmed me through my sweats. I moaned and latched onto Louis' neck to muffle the sound, feeling embarrassed. I just couldn't help it though, it felt so fucking good, especially coming from Louis, someone who really cared for me.

Louis continued to palm me, cupping me and fondling my balls, which just made me suck harder on his neck. He was letting out the highest whimpers, which was not something I had expected from him, but it turned me on even more. I tried to muffle my moans, but suddenly Louis stopped, and I pulled off his neck, afraid that I had done something horribly wrong and that he hated me. But he just cupped my cheeks and kissed me several times, just light pecks on the mouth.

"Don't be embarrassed if you moan, Hazza. It's supposed to feel good, you don't have to feel guilty. I...I want to hear you...turns me on...makes me feel good, baby."

I nodded, immediately feeling better, and Louis planted a long, lingering kiss on my lips.

"Can I...under?" Louis asked, looking down at my painfully obvious erection. I nodded yet again, but has his fingers dipped under the waistband of my sweats and boxers, I stopped him.

"Wanna feel you too, Lou...please..."

Louis obliged with a kiss to my forehead and he stood up, peeling his tight jeans off his legs and leaving himself in just his underwear. I swallowed, seeing the thick outline of his dick pressing against the material of his boxers, straining for release. I felt it only fair to pull my sweats off as well, and we both settled back on the couch, Louis hovering slightly over me as he dipped his head to kiss me.

"You okay, love?" He asked, and I nodded, a smile lifting the corners of my mouth. Louis let his hand slip slowly down my stomach and then below the waistband of my boxers, and then his fingers wrapped carefully around me. My dick twitched at the contact and I moaned louder than I ever had in my life. The warmth of his hand on me was almost too much for me to handle, considering how little activity I had received in the last couple years other than my own hand. I forced myself not to thrust into his hand, instead pulling him down into a rough kiss, needing his lips on mine. He was slowly moving his hand up and down, just getting a feel for me, and I could barely take it.

"Mmmm....fuck, Lou...so good, so fucking good..." I groaned aloud, and Louis moaned into my mouth, his tongue becoming sloppy as he jerked me off even faster. I couldn't concentrate for the life of me, not when his hand was moving so expertly on me, and I just gripped his hips, holding him close as he got me off. I could feel precome leaking from my tip and I whined high in my throat as my dick throbbed in his hand, coming closer and closer to release.

"Lou...m'close, so close..." I mumbled into his mouth, and Louis moved his hand faster, his wrist flicking up as he reached the tip, smearing precome down my cock for a better glide. I could feel my balls getting tight and I knew I was about seconds away from coming, but Louis kept me on edge, just messing with me. His fingers reached down and massaged my balls and I couldn't help it as I bucked up into his hand, desperate for that little push over the edge. His fingers slid up my cock and one dipped just a bit into my slit, and I was gone, almost whiting out with the force of my orgasm. White ropes of come spilled out of me, coming in spurts and landing all over Louis and all over me. Louis leaned over to kiss me messily, his lips wet from his constant licking of them as he concentrated and from kissing me.

"Shit...fucking shit...Louis..." I moaned, still on my high, and Louis jerked me through it, being very calm and very slow, and I came down slowly, my face flushed and my body pliant. It was at that moment that I realized that I hadn't paid any attention to Louis at all, and I immediately felt bad. "Lou...m'sorry, I just got caught up and I...can I...I mean...fuck."

"Don't worry, Harry. Of course you can, I'll probably come soon anyway...you're so fucking hot..." Louis muttered, and I reached carefully for him. This...this had been something I had dreamed about for ages...being able to touch Louis, being able to be with him, and now it was actually happening. It was almost scary, in a way, but I was ready.

I slowly slipped my hand right into Louis' boxers, no warning, and wrapped my hand around him. He was fucking huge, bigger than I had expected, but I liked it a lot, and apparently, so did he. A whimper was ripped from him as he thrust up into my hand, and I began to jerk him off quickly, figuring that he would like it fast. His groans and whimpers and panting breaths were almost enough to get me hard again, but I was still coming down a bit and I was oversensitive.

Louis came at that moment, scaring me a bit, and fell onto me, his head dropping to my shoulder as he groaned, his come spilling over my hand in warm spurts. I nuzzled the side of his head and he looked up, attaching his lips to mine and kissing me lazily as he came down.

"So good with your hands, Hazza...very good." Louis' voice was raspy and a bit deeper than usual, and I liked it a lot. I hummed in response and sucked on his bottom lip a bit, removing my hand from his pants and wiping it on my shirt.

"Better get us cleaned up..." Louis muttered, and he stood, walking to the kitchen and coming back moments later with a damp cloth, which he used to clean us up as best he could. He then took our clothes that had been discarded and folded them.

"We should probably wash these clothes...wouldn't want Nick walking in on us in come covered clothes."

"Not like he would mind...he probably set this up so I would get some action..." I chuckled meekly, and Louis stopped what he was doing, looking at me like I was crazy.

"Harry, you do know that I'm not just using you, right? That I really care about you and just because we do stuff like this doesn't mean I'm going to drop you or just want you for sex..."

I blushed, nodding my head. He was saying the words I wanted to hear, and I trusted him, but I would have been lying to myself and to him if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my mind several times since we had started dating. Louis came back over to me, dropping our clothes on a chair, and pulled me into his arms, cupping my face in his hands.

"You're so beautiful, and you deserve someone to make you feel good...I want to be that person, and I hope you'll accept me as that, because...I...I just care about you so much, I love you, and I want you to know that."

"I do know that, Lou. I...fuck, I just...sometimes it's hard, you know, because...ugh..." I tried to come up with something to justify how I felt at this moment, but there was nothing. Louis had been nothing but good to me since that skiing trip, and he'd had his moments before that where I had sensed that he actually cared.

Louis leaned in and kissed me softly, his lips moving against mine but remaining closed. I kissed him back and he pulled me into a tight hug, not caring that we were both smearing our come all over each other and our clothes.

"C'mon, baby, let's get some better clothes on, shall we?" He reached out and took my hand, and I walked him to my room, where I pulled out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. I took my own clothes and went to the bathroom to change, doing my best not to look in the mirror. Nick had said I was getting better and that I had gained a bit of weight, but I didn't want to see it. I knew what my brain would think, and I knew that it was dangerous to think that way. I had to love myself. Louis liked me just the way I was, and if he liked me, then I should too. Even so, I still wasn't completely comfortable with him seeing me shirtless.

When I emerged, Louis was waiting for my clothes, which I handed to him, and he threw them in the wash, settling back on the couch and motioning for me to join him.

"Lou, I have a paper..." I started to say, but he interrupted me.

"Tomorrow...I'll help you with it tomorrow...let's just cuddle...sleep. We both need it..." Louis yawned, though whether it was an actual yawn or just to prove his point, I didn't know, and I didn't ask. Louis was too adorable when he was tired and pliant after an orgasm, and I walked right to him, cuddling up to him. He wrapped his arm around my middle and I squirmed, a little bit unsure of how I felt about Louis touching my stomach. Louis just held on harder, whispering in my ear, "You're beautiful, Hazza, you're so beautiful."

"Love you, Lou," I mumbled, and Louis kept whispering in my ear, putting me to sleep with his raspy voice.

____________

I woke up to the vague sound of a door opening and I squirmed, feeling Louis' arm tighten ever so slightly around me. There was a muttering of voices, the soft sound of what sounded like smacking lips, and then the door slammed shut. I cringed at the noise and buried my face into Louis' chest. I felt his lips press to my forehead.

"Shhh, it's alright, Haz. Go back to sleep, baby," Louis soothed, running his fingers through my hair. I made a small noise in the back of my throat and cuddled even closer to him, falling slowly back to sleep.

I woke up maybe an hour or so later, blinking in the harsh sunlight that was streaming through the window. It shocked me, because we hardly ever had sun in London, not in the winter anyway. I groaned and curled in on myself. It was then that I realized that I was alone...the warmth next to me was gone. I sat up immediately, rubbing at my eyes and looking around. The light that was hitting me was actually the lights on the ceiling, which were on for some reason. I looked blearily towards the kitchen and saw a soft light coming from there as well. I stood up and stretched, walking slowly towards the kitchen.

"Lou...you here?" I called out tentatively, pushing through the door, and I was met with a very strange sight. Louis was standing talking to Nick as he ate a piece of toast, the kitchen smelling like bacon and butter. Louis looked up as I entered and he grinned, putting down his food and coming over to me.

"Hazza...good morning, love," He said softly, brushing my cheek lightly with his lips and setting a hand on my lower back, guiding me towards the table, where a plate of food was already waiting for me, as well as a cup of orange juice and some water as well.

"Wanted to make you breakfast...thought we could go out grocery shopping for Nick later...that okay?" Louis asked me, sitting down next to me and keeping a comforting hand on my knee. I nodded, taking a bite of food.

"How was your date last night? I thought I heard you come in, but..." I turned to Nick, and his cheeks flamed red. I swallowed my food and sat on the edge of my seat, my eyes wide.

"He...he umm...asked me to be his boyfriend...and I said yes." Nick admitted, and I jumped out of my seat, throwing myself into his arms and hugging him tightly.

"I am so happy for you, holy fuck," I said, my voice muffled into his chest, and Nick chuckled, kissing my curls lightly and hugging me back. Louis was laughing in the background. That must have been what they had been talking about when I had woken up. I let Nick go, looking at him in excitement. "Do I get to know his name this time?" I added eagerly, almost bouncing, and Louis looped his arm around my waist, kissing the side of my head and trying to calm me down.

"His name is David and he's my age, before you go after me for going after the young boys. He's good to me...like Louis is to you."

I avoided Louis' gaze and blushed furiously, and Louis coughed, blushing along with me. Nick laughed. "You two are ridiculously cute, I can't even stand it. Well, I have another date with him today, which is why you are doing the shopping. Lou, make sure he doesn't buy anything too healthy. I have to go get ready."

Nick left the kitchen and I glanced at Louis, almost at a complete loss for words.

"Surprised, are you?" Louis asked, scooting his chair closer to me and placing his head on my shoulder. I nuzzled him and hummed happily.

"He just...he's always been a 'fuck once and done' type...never ever thought he'd settle down. This is good for him, though, I'm so happy for him...he deserves this so much." I nestled my head on top of Louis' and we just sat there for a bit, Louis' hand rubbing up and down my leg soothingly.

"Well, finish up your breakfast, and then we can go out and do the shopping, yeah? And then just have a relaxing afternoon, maybe cuddling on the couch...and kissing...definitely a lot of that."

"Such a tease, you are..." I grumbled, and he turned, pecking my lips and pinching my bum.

"Just a little bit..."

____________

"Lou, we have to get ingredients for a salad!"

"But Nick said not to get healthy things."

"Salad isn't too healthy, and I like salads!"

Louis and I were terrible shoppers. I wanted healthy, he wanted junk food. If we ever moved in together, which I didn't expect to ever happened, but in the event that it did, we wouldn't survive. I sighed, picking out some lettuce and carrots.

"You don't have to eat it, Lou. And I promise, we can get some crisps and things as well...just let me get the salad, okay?"

"Oh, alright, fine." Louis huffed and pushed the cart ahead after I placed the veggies in it, heading for the crisps. He suddenly stopped by the chicken and picked some of that up, as well as some bacon-looking stuff. I raised my eyebrows but didn't ask questions, figuring that it was supposed to be a surprise.

"Fucking hell, is that Louis Tomlinson?" A voice called from down the aisle that we were near, and Louis looked up, his face lighting up. He started walking up the aisle, and I followed behind him. When we were close enough to see each other properly, however, I stopped walking immediately as Max and Louis hugged. My throat felt uncomfortably tight as I watched them talking. Both of them were being extremely animated, and I felt the blood rushing in my ears. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I considered running for it, but just then, Louis was touching me, and he brought me back to reality. His hand was fitted nicely in mine as he pulled me over to him.

"Max, this is my boyfriend, Harry. Harry, this is Max. Good friend of mine." Louis said kindly, and Max looked between us.

"Ex-Boyfriend, actually, but no hard feelings here. Nice to meet you, Harry." Max held out his hand to me and I hesitated before taking it, wanting to show Louis that I could be civil and that I wasn't jealous (even though I totally was, cause Max was a fucking sex god in person. Not my type, but I could still see everything that Louis saw in him).

"Nice to meet you as well," I mumbled, shaking his hand, and he smiled at me, but there was something weird about it. The smile was physically there, but his eyes remained unfriendly and a bit cold as he looked at me. As soon as our handshake was complete, he turned right back to Louis and they started talking again. I fiddled with my hands uncomfortably, watching them. I had been around enough gay guys to know the body language of flirting, and Max was most definitely trying to come on to Louis. I wanted to say something, but at the same time, he was slightly intimidating. He was everything that I wasn't, and the way he was looking at Louis made me uncomfortable.

"Well, you know, you should come out to coffee with me on Friday. Gotta catch up, mate, it's been too long." Max's words reached me and I stiffened. Not only had he just asked my boyfriend out right in front of me, but he was biting his lip suggestively, and I couldn't just stand here and watch my Louis getting taken away from me by a Greek god.

"I can't...I'm taking Harry home for Christmas." Louis responded, wrapping his arm around my waist and giving me a gentle squeeze. I couldn't help the smile that lit up my face at his answer, and I giggled as his fingers tickled my side.

"That's too bad...we definitely have to get together though," Max insisted, looking at me almost in disgust. I must have been the only one to see it, however, because Louis was still smiling kindly at him.

"We...we could all get together, you know, after Christmas. Like Liam and Zayn and Niall and maybe even Nick and David. Could be fun." I suggested suddenly. Louis and Max both looked at me in surprise, and I blushed at the attention. "Was just an idea...sorry..."

"No, I think that's a great idea! What do you say, Max?" Louis said happily, kissing my cheek and looking expectantly at Max. He smiled yet again, but the smile was tight, I could tell.

"Yeah, sure. Just text me, Lou."

I winced at his use of Louis' nickname and looked at the floor, but Louis nodded enthusiastically.

"Sounds great. See you around, Max!"

Max walked away, throwing me a weird look over his shoulder, and I turned to walk back to our cart, which had been left abandoned in the aisle. Louis followed me, still grinning happily. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, and I didn't even know why I was upset. Louis had chosen me over him. I had been the one to suggest that we still meet up, not Louis. But there had been something about him, something about the way he looked at me and how he flirted with Louis that just hit me hard.

I didn't speak for the rest of the shopping trip, not even complaining when Louis filled the cart with lots of crisps and frozen dinners and such. I pulled some more veggies and fruits from the refrigerated areas, but even when Louis complained, I didn't say a word. We left the shop with several bags full and got on the bus, having been too lazy to take the car. Louis was now looking at me in concern, but I didn't want to have this conversation on the bus, when there was a good chance that I would cry.

We made it into the house and the groceries were all sitting on the table before Louis said anything. He put all his bags down and immediately pulled me into his arms, kissing me deeply. My eyes fluttered closed and I kissed him back, but he pulled back rather quickly.

"What's wrong, Hazza? You haven't said much...are you okay?"

"I...I just...I didn't expect to see...and then he was flirting with you right in front of me! And then he asked you out! How do you expect me to feel?" I choked out, feeling more tears welling in my eyes. I felt so stupid for crying, but I couldn't help it. I was so fucking insecure about every little thing that could take Louis away from me. He wasn't my property, but I finally had him after all these years of pining and I didn't want it to get fucked up.

"Hazza...c'mere, baby." Louis pulled me to him in a tight hug, rubbing my back and stroking a hand through my hair. He was rocking me slightly back and forth and I sniffed, trying to control myself. "You are my one and only, yeah? Only you. Max and I are in the past, and I have no intention of leaving you for anyone. You're all I want, okay, love?"

"And I know that...I t-trust you, I just...he's so much more than me...I'm afraid he'll try to take you away and I..." I stuttered, wiping my eyes furiously. Louis held my hands and kissed away the tears on my cheekbones.

"Only you. Always." Louis whispered, and I leaned in to capture his lips, seeking the relief I felt when I was kissing him. We walked into the living room, somehow kissing the whole time, and collapsed onto the couch, a tangle of limbs. Louis held me tight and kissed me softly, his fingertips drawing gentle patterns on my skin.

"I love you..." I whispered against his lips, and he smiled, pecking my lips a few times.

"Love you too, baby."

The groceries stayed on the table for the rest of the day.


	19. Chapter 19 - Merry X-Mas

I was so glad that Louis asked me if I would spend Christmas with him and his family. Since my mom and Robin had already planned to go on a vacation, I had no clue how else I would spend Christmas. I was pretty sure Gemma would spend her Christmas in New York this year, just like she always wanted to do. Even Nick wasn't in town, so it would have meant that I had to spend Christmas eve all on my own. When Louis asked me if I would like to celebrate Christmas with them, I was super happy. I mean, his family was like a second family to me. Jay and John would never accept a no from me, so even if I didn't want to celebrate with them, I'd have no choice anyway. They invited Zayn as well, even though they knew that he didn't celebrate Christmas at all. Since Z was very polite, he thought it'd be rude to refuse their invitation. It wasn't that he was opposed to seeing them or celebrating with us, but it would be the first time that Jay and John would see him as Liam's boyfriend, not just Louis' best mate. Louis was very happy about Zayn coming with us, because that meant he would be there to celebrate Louis' birthday, and Louis wanted everyone to be there.

It was the night before Louis' birthday, and we were cuddling in bed, watching the clock count down to midnight. We wanted to leave early in the morning, but I insisted on staying up until midnight anyway, not really caring much about sleep.  

"5...4...3...2...1...Happy birthday, love," I said before pecking Louis' lips. He brought a hand to my head and brushed through my hair. 

"Thank you, baby," he mumbled against my lips, not bothering to back away. I deepened our kiss at that point, nibbling on his bottom lip a bit just because I could and I knew it drove him crazy. Every time we kissed there were thousands of butterflies in my stomach and every single touch of Louis' made me shiver, no matter how many times they had happened before. I smiled against his lips. 

"What's up, Hazza?"  Louis asked, pulling back and looking at me questioningly. I shook my head, a big grin on my face. "Hey...talk to me," he exclaimed, tickling my side, and I shied away from his hand, laughing. 

"No-nothing. I just..." I bit my lip, "you make me feel so good." I blushed, looking at everything but Louis. 

"Oh really? I could make you feel even better," Louis said, smirking at me.

Jesus fucking Christ...What if he was expecting something like birthday sex from me? My eyes widened and my got tight at the mere thought of it. We had done stuff already, yeah, but sex was definitely still something else. I trusted him - that wasn't the problem at all. I just didn't feel ready, even after the few weeks that we had been dating. What if he was getting bored of me? I...

"No. Harry...fuck. Not like that. Ugh...I...Sorry. I didn't mean...sorry," he mumbled, brushing my cheek with his thumb and stroking over my cheekbone soothingly. 

"No, I'm sor-" I tried to explain, but Louis cut me off.

"Shh...it's okay, baby. Don't apologize", he smiled at me.

I smiled back at him shyly, still feeling bad because I wasn't ready to give him _that_ yet. We continued our silent cuddling for a few minutes before I remembered that I hadn't given Louis his present. I backed away, reaching behind Louis' back and grabbing the present that I had hidden under the bed. 

"What's that?" Louis asked when I handed the wrapped object to him. I just shrugged, cracking a little shy smile. I wasn't sure how he would react, but I wanted to give it to him privately.

Louis didn't hesitate and ripped the wrapping off. He stared at the framed picture of us laying in his hands. It was from a few years ago, from the day that we first kissed, to be exact. We had taken it at a concert for  _The Script_  that we attended earlier that day. We both were beaming at the camera, arms around each other and looking very young. I'd never had a chance to show it to Louis, but I had saved it all the years, not being able to bring myself to throw it away or burn it, like Nick wanted me to do. 

Louis shook his head, speechless, tracing over the glass with his fingertips. 

"I...I have never seen this," he mumbled, more to himself than to me, and I could swear his eyes were a bit teary. "It's beautiful."

"Turn it around," I whispered, scooting closer to him and feeling the excitement rising up in me. Louis turned the frame over and his eyes widened. 

"Harry...wow...I don't know what to say..." he whispered extremely quietly.

"I thought you'd like to go another  _Script_ concert with me...but only if you want to..." I said, biting my lip and looking at him through my lashes. 

"That's...thank you. You don't know how much that means to me..." he answered, seeming a bit overwhelmed, but still happy.

But I did, because it meant as much to me as it meant to him. I just looked at him, but I was sure he knew how much I wanted that as well. Louis leaned over and pulled me back down next to him, wrapping his arms around me tightly. 

"I love you...so much. Thank you for the present, Haz. It's...perfect," he said, nuzzling his nose into my neck.

"You're welcome...Love you too, Lou," I mumbled back, smiling and trying not to yawn.

"I think we should sleep. We have to get up in only a few hours," Louis suggested, kissing my forehead. Apparently, he had noticed that I was struggling to keep my eyes open, and even before I could respond, my eyes fell shut.

\------------

"LOUIS! HARRY!" Jay exclaimed happily when she opened the door.

"Hey mom," Louis responded as Jay pulled him into a tight hug, completely smothering him with kisses. 

"Happy birthday, my love...Gosh, look at you. I can't believe that my baby is turning 24 already..." she said, patting Louis' bum, which made him blush. I suppressed a giggle at that view.

 "Jay, stop embarrassing our son. Come on, I wanna wish my oldest one happy birthday as well," John said, pulling Louis in his arms and patting his son's back. 

"Harry, love! It's so nice to see you! Look at you...you look so good. Well, some more weight on your hips might be good. You've gotten a bit skinny, but now you're home. I'll coddle you...poor boy, doesn't get enough food in London," she exclaimed thoughtfully. 

I got a bit nervous at this comment, because I had already gained a few pounds after Louis and I got together. He made me feel more confident, and he had helped a lot with me eating more. That, however, didn't stop me from being insecure about eating or my body. Louis must have noticed my discomfort, because he let his hand slip gently into mine, locking our fingers together.

"Mom, maybe you let us unpack first?" he said, and Jay nodded, moving aside to let us and our luggage completely into the house.

"Yeah, sure! Of course! I'm just so happy that you're here. And hold on, let me take a picture of you!" Jay exclaimed, a bit too excited at the view of us.

Louis sighed and shook his head in embarrassment, nuzzling his head gently into my neck.

"I'm sorry, but you know her..." he whispered apologetically. I just rubbed his lower back, pulling him a bit closer to me.

"I know, Lou, it's alright," I mumbled, a bit amused, and at that moment, I heard the sound of a phone camera going off, which made Louis sigh even louder. I just let out a giggle.

"Awwwww. Look at you," Jay squealed, clenching John's arm and smiling like crazy. "Aren't they cute?"

Louis grabbed my arm, more than embarrassed, and without saying a word, he dragged me upstairs to his room. Wow...I hadn't been in there since...yeah...since the day we kissed. Of course I had been in their house hundreds of times since the incident, but I never had the courage to even look into Louis' room. It hadn't changed that much. I mean, Louis left pretty soon after everything had happened, so he was just home for the holidays and apparently didn't bother thinking about rearrange his furniture at all. I dropped my bag next to his desk and lay down on the bed, feeling a bit exhausted. After all, we had only slept for about 5 hours last night, and traveling was quite exhausting anyway. 

I felt the mattress dipping in and Louis was leaning over me all of a sudden. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto my lips. I didn't hesitate for too long and opened my mouth so we could deepen our kiss. Kissing Louis had quickly become my favorite thing to do, especially after we didn't have the chance to see each other that often over the last couple of weeks. Louis placed his hand on my hip, grabbing it tightly, and I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth, making him let out a breathy moan. A sound as simple as that sound made me feel hazy and I couldn't help but pull Louis closer to me. I could feel his semi  pressing against mine. Louis lips skimmed all the way down my chest and he lifted the hem of my sweater, pressing feather light kisses to my stomach. I shivered every time his lips brushed my skin, whimpering a bit as I got harder with every second. Louis attached his lips to a spot just below my belly button and started to suck gently on my skin, and my eyes fell closed, trying not to be too loud. 

I heard the door open and my eyes shot open, catching sight of Jay's silhouette in the doorway.

"Louis, Harry, I-" Jay exclaimed, stammering. "...oh gosh. Sorry. I didn't mean to...I didn't see anything...I swear." And with that she was out of the room again, closing the door behind her as fast as possible. Louis sighed and I was pretty sure my face was the color of a tomato. 

"At least we weren't naked," Louis said, trying to ease the tension in the room. I hid my face in my hands, shaking my head in disbelief. We had only been here for about 20 minutes and Jay had already walked in on us. I would never be able to face her again. Okay, that'd be difficult since we planned on spending the next few days with her, but seriously...I was so fucking embarrassed. 

Louis started kissing my stomach again. Was he serious? His mom had just walked in on us and he wanted to pretend that nothing had happened?

"Lou-" I tried to say, but the feeling of his lips on me was very very distracting, and what was supposed to be the end of his name came out as a whimper.

"Fuck, Louis. We can't. Your mom just-" I exhaled, trying to steady my breaths, but Louis cut me off again.

"Yep, exactly. Since she walked in on us already, I'm sure we can finish this without any further interruption."

"I don't know..." I mumbled, not sure what to think about it. Louis sighed, stood up, and walked over to  the door to lock it.

"Better?" he smirked, laying down on top of me again. I bit my lip, hesitating for a moment, but then I decided _fuck it_. I mean, we were grown ups with _special_ needs. What we were doing was normal. Jay would understand that, wouldn't she?

"Baby, stop thinking that much," Louis mumbled, now sucking on my neck. He licked over the same spot again and again, stopping every now and then to bite down gently, marking me for the third time. I threw my head back into the pillow, biting back a moan and feeling the heat rush to my face. Why the fuck did Louis turn me on this much? He grabbed the hem of my sweater and my t-shirt at the same time and pulled them over my head in one move.  I shivered when the cold air touched my skin, but Louis' hands were warm, traveling up and down my sides. Louis pecked my lips for a short moment before his lips wandered back down my neck. My hands were rested on the sides of his body under the fabric of his shirt, and I gripped him tightly, making him let out a low groan. One of his hands moved between my legs, stroking my inner thighs and making my legs tremble just a tad.

"Take off your shirt...please..." I stuttered, letting out a cry as Louis' lips moved lower and lower, past my belly button and towards the waist of my jeans. He didn't hesitate and threw his shirt on the ground next to the bed. Fuck, he was so fit.  Louis leaned back down, brushing over my crotch and making me squirm, and then he was unzipping my jeans. I lifted my bum so he could pull them off easily, and once Louis had pulled mine off, he did his own and then lay on top of me, only the thin fabric of our boxers separating us from skin to skin contact. I pulled him closer to create more friction between us, and our cocks rubbed together through the thin fabric. "Fuck..." Louis moaned into my ear, licking over the skin there. "Fuck. You're so hot."

I whimpered and bucked up my hips so that our cocks rubbed together again, causing both of us to moan, muffling it into each other's shoulders.

"Wanna try something..." Louis whispered, biting my earlobe and making me shiver. "Wanna suck you off." One of his hands was running up and down the inside of my thighs. My eyes widened, but I wasn't able to say no. I had dreamt about this so many times. I just wanted to know what it felt like. Louis backed up a bit just to look me in the eyes. "Are you okay with that? I won't if you don't want," he said in a soft, soothing tone. I bit my lip, almost embarrassed that I wanted it too. 

"N-no...I...w-wanna try it," I answered, my cheeks turning bright red. Louis cracked a small, but honest, smile. 

"Don't worry. I'll take care of you," he whispered before he traced the line of my jaw and then my chest...and finally my stomach, with little kisses. Louis slipped his hands under the seam of my pants and pulled them off gently, and I shivered as he let his tongue travel down the small trail of hair below my navel, pressing tiny kisses to any bit of exposed skin he could find. He brought his hand down, gently wrapping it around my dick, and I quivered under his touch. _Fuck_. Louis gave it three soft strokes before laying down between my legs and placing his hands on my inner thighs. He licked a long fat stripe over the underside of my cock, which made it twitch, a small bead of precome coming out of my slit. Louis kissed the head and then gently wrapped his lips around the head of my dick and swirled his tongue around, licking up the precome. My hips jolted forward at the intensity of the touch, but Louis grabbed my hips and pushed them gently back down into the mattress. 

"Fuck. S-sorry..." I breathed out, breathless and craving more.

Louis didn't bother responding, but kept taking it in even more, and I watched as more of my cock disappeared down his throat. 

"Fuck. Fuck. Fu...Louis..." I moaned as Louis kept sucking, taking me all the way until I felt the head of my cock brush the back of his throat.  _Fucking fuck_.  Louis reached down to his pants with one hand and took them off as well, starting to stroke himself. He moaned and I felt it vibrate around my cock, his head still bobbing up and down on me as he jerked himself off. I was breathing heavily, not able to control myself anymore. I put my arm over my face, nearly screaming into the crook of my elbow. I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to resist coming, but I could feel my lower stomach already tightening with pleasure.

"Fuck...Lou, I'm...ooohhh god...gonna come..." I whimpered, but Louis only took me in deeper, letting out another moan. With that, without any time to warn him, I came right into Louis' mouth, who only needed two more strokes to come all over his own fist as well. We were both breathing heavily, my body shaking because of the intensity of my orgasm. Louis pulled off of me, swallowing all that I gave him and licking his lips, which made me let out a groan. He reached for his shirt, which was laying on the floor, and wiped his hand off. My eyes were still mostly closed and I wasn't able to think straight yet. Louis pressed a quick kiss onto my lips and I could taste my own cum. 

"Well...that was fucking hot, Hazza," Louis nuzzled into my neck. "Wish you could have seen yourself. Such a mess for me....shit, I love you."

"I...fuck. I love you too. Thank you. That was....I don't even have words for it," I mumbled with a shaky voice.

"We should do that more often," Louis suggested, and I nodded, curling in on him and falling asleep minutes later.

\----------------------

When I woke up, it was snowing outside. I turned around to check if Louis was still asleep, but he wasn't there. His side of the bed was cold, so he must have been up for a while. When I checked my phone I realized that I had been asleep for almost three hours. I could hear voices from downstairs, meaning that everyone must have been in the living room. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I hopped out of bed and pulled on sweats and a sweater, not even stopping to check my hair in the mirror. Like I said, they were my second family, and I was sure that Jay had seen me in much worse states than this.

"Ah! Good morning, sleepy head," Jay exclaimed in a mocking tone when she spotted me in the doorway, and then reality hit me hard. Jay had walked in on us, Louis had given me head...fucking good head, holy shit.  _Jay walked in on us_. I felt like I was about to panic, so to distract myself, I observed the room. Jay was sitting in the armchair next to the huge window. Zayn and Liam, who must have had arrived while I was asleep, were cuddled up on the floor next to the fireplace. Both of them were smirking at me knowingly. _Fuck_. 

All of a sudden I felt a familiar pair of arms wrapped around me from behind, and Louis nuzzled his head into my neck, placing a soft kiss there.

"Why didn't you wake me?" I asked, turning around to face him. Louis was just about to answer when my mum and Robin walk in from the kitchen.  

"Mum? Robin?" I gaped at them, not believing that they were actually here. Weren't they supposed to be at the beach right now? Was I still asleep?

"Surprise, baby!" my mum announced, coming over and pulling me into a hug. 

"What...Why...What about the Maldives?" I looked at her questioningly, still in complete shock that she was standing right here in front of me. 

"Never planned on going there. Jay and I thought it'd be more fun to surprise you for Christmas," she replied, beaming at me. 

"And I really thought you'd stood me up on Christmas," I shook my head, not believing that they had actually fooled me. 

"Well you have Louis to thank for this one. It was his idea, actually," Jay added from the corner of the room. 

I turned around to face Louis again. "You!" I glared at him jokingly.

"Guilty," Louis countered, raising his arms in defense, but I pulled him to me and planted a kiss on him.

"Awwww," Mom and Jay exclaimed in the same time, cooing at us as Louis relaxed into the kiss with a sigh, his hands coming to rest on my waist daintily.  

"Awww, look at the big hickey on Hazza's neck," Liam bantered, winking at me. My eyes went wide and my hand darted to my neck hoping to cover it up. Jay was about to say something else, but the squeaky sound of Louis' little siblings interrupted our conversation. 

"Hawwy!" Ernest exclaimed, running over to me and clutching onto my leg. 

"Hey buddy!" I said as I picked him up. Ernest nuzzled his head into my neck. 

"Miffed you," he mumbled.

"Aw. I missed you too, love," I said while brushing through his blonde curly hair. It was crazy how fast he was growing. The twins had both just turned three two months ago, and it feels like it was yesterday when I saw them for the first time.

"Today is Louew's birthday!" Doris announced, clapping her hands in excitement. Louis had picked her up, so I could look her in the eyes.

"Oh my god...Who's that? I don't think we've met?" I said, pretending not to recognize her. Doris let out a loud giggle.

"Hawwy! It's meeee. Dowis!" she countered, amused.

"Doris? Hm. I'm not sure if I know....oh, hold on. Let me check one thing," I announced, darting my hand to tickle her side. She started laughing her beautiful Doris laugh, a laugh that I would recognize anywhere. "Oh, that Doris! Look at you....you became such a big, pretty girl."

Louis looked over to me, a big smile on his face, and I felt the sudden and insane urge to settle down with him. I was sure Louis would be a great dad. Louis just winked at me, blowing me a kiss, and I had a feeling he was reading my mind. 

After we all had dinner Louis, the twins and I were snuggled in front of the fireplace. Doris and Ernest were changed into their pyjamas already and insisted on spending their cuddle-time with me and Louis. Ernest's back was snuggled into my chest so he was facing Doris, who was snuggled into Louis' chest. We were all wrapped into a big blanket, and the twins were drinking their bottles, struggling to keep their eyes open. Jay and my mom had already taken hundreds of pictures, but I honestly didn't mind. I wanted to remember this forever. Louis reached over to me, brushing a loose strand of hair out of my face.

"I could get used to this," he said in a soft tone, a smile on his face. I just hummed in agreement. Doris and Ernest scooted closer to each other, their foreheads almost touching.  

"Ewneft," Doris said, happily snuggling her face into Ernest's chest, who was barely awake anymore.

"Come on love. Try to get some sleep now," Louis whispered in her ear.

"Not tired."

"Then why can't you keep your eyes open for more than two seconds?" Louis countered, stroking her cheek gently.

"Wanna stay up and talk wiff you," Doris said, yawning.

"We can talk tomorrow, princess," Louis announced in a soft, soothing tone. He removed the empty bottle from Doris' hands, who started sucking on her thumb instead. Me and Louis were beaming at each other, and when Doris gave up fighting the urge to stay awake, we carried them upstairs quietly.

\-------------------------

Christmas morning came quick - way too fast for my taste. 

"Good morning, love," Louis whispered leaning down to me. His wet hair tickling my face. I cracked open an eye when I felt soft lips on my own. Louis was sitting on the mattress next to me, just wearing a towel that was wrapped around his waist. I shifted, trying to hide my face in the pillow, but Louis climbed on top of me, sitting down on my thighs, and started tickling me. 

"Loueeeeh. No...Stop," I panted, trying to breathe, but I couldn't. I was too ticklish for my own good.

"Nope," he countered, popping the 'p', at the end. He leaned down kissing each of my cheeks. "I love when you smile, because it shows your dimples." He poked them playfully, a big grin on his face. I sat up, our chest almost touching now, and Louis rested his forehead against mine, looking into my sleepy eyes. 

"Morning, Hazza," he mumbled before kissing me softly. I hummed against his lips, and before he knew what was happening, I got my hands under his bum and lifted him off the bed and into my arms. Louis let out a high squeal of surprise and blushed immediately at the sound that slipped out of his mouth. A big grin split my sleepy face wide open.

"I wonder what other sounds I can elicit from you," I said, and this time it was me who had the evil smirk on his face. Louis gaped at me, probably not expecting me to say something filthy like that this early in the morning. I started making my way towards Louis' ensuite bathroom, Louis still held tightly in my arms. 

"What are you up to, Haz?" Louis looked at me, raising an eyebrow curiously.

"Making sure that nobody walks in on us this time," I replied, locking the bathroom door behind us. I pulled off the t-shirt that I was wearing and stripped down my pants, not even caring about that I was standing completely naked in front of Louis right now. Louis' eyes widened when he realized what I was up to. I scooted closer to him, loosened the towel around his hips, and tossed it onto the floor. I didn't hesitate and reached down to grab Louis' dick, and he shivered under my unexpected touch. I brushed our lips together eagerly, already getting hard by myself, and pressed Louis against the bathroom door, my other hand wandering up and down the side of his body. He let out a small moan into my ear and thrust weakly into my hand. Normally it was him who seemed to lead, but right now he seemed to be the weaker one, weak for me and my touch. Without thinking, I dropped down on my knees in front of him and kissed the tip of his dick. Louis shook even more, taking in a sharp breath. "F-uck...Harry, what are you doing?"

I chuckled at that comment, because wasn't it obvious? I was sure Louis could feel the vibration of my laughter on his tip, because he twitched, and I licked over the head of his cock slightly before responding.

"What does it look like? I'm returning the favor," I announced before licking over his full length.

"F..Jesus. I figured. B-but..." he whimpered, but at that moment, I took him in all the way down and his words died on his lips. Louis tried to steady himself by holding onto the wall, but it was no use. His legs were positively shaking as he let out small moans and whimpers. I never expected to have this big of an affect on him, but it did make me feel a bit more confident with my skills, which were basically nonexistent. 

"You...fuck...don't have to..." he tried to tell me, his voice shaking, and I pulled off of him, earning a whine from the loss of my mouth.

"Have you quite finished? I know that, but I want to, Louis. So please shut up now and let me do my work," I said in a mocking tone, looking up at him. Louis brushed through my curls, looking surprised at my dominance over the situation, but nodding all the same. I swirled my tongue over the tip again, licking up the precome that Louis was already leaking. I gripped his bum and supported him, and I took him in even further than the last time, my nose brushing over the skin below his navel. Louis let out an loud and aroused moan, not able to hold it back at this point. Fuck, he was so loud. I reached down for my own dick with one hand and started it stroking eagerly. I could tell Louis was close, and with a few more bobs of my head and strokes to my own cock, we were coming at the same time. Louis slid down the door, not able to stand because he was shaking all over. We were both breathing hard, coming down from our highs in a mess of tangled, sweaty limbs and little drips of cum. He looked at me in complete shock, not believing what had just happened. My confidence, which had been through the roof about ten seconds ago, was gone again, and I started blushing. I looked down at the ground, but Louis grabbed my chin and made me face him. He looked happy, more than happy to be exact. His eyes were sparkling and there was a smile on his face.

"What the fuck was that Harry?" he asked, thumbing over my cheek. 

"Merry Christmas, I guess?" I countered, biting my lip, which was swollen from the rough kissing we had done and from sucking Louis down.  

"Shit, you're definitely something else, Harold. There are these times where you have such confidence and I'm surprised you aren't like that every time, and then you're back to blushing if someone even says the word _sex_..." I blushed even more, proving his point, I suppose, and Louis let out a giggle, pulling me into his arms. 

"You're sure you haven't done that before?" he looked at me questioningly. 

"Pretty sure," I mumbled, feeling a bit embarrassed. Louis buried his face in my neck, kissing me softly.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered, and I turned his face back forward so I could kiss him again.

After Louis and I both took a shower we settled on the bed again. We decided we wanted to give each other our presents more privately, rather than in front of everyone else. 

Louis sat across from me, not saying a word as he handed me a small box, which was wrapped lovingly. It even had a cute little bow on top of it. I unwrapped it carefully, examining the small wooden box. _Forever is not long enough_ was engraved on top of it. My throat tightened and I felt tears building in my eyes already, without even opening it. I looked up at Louis, who nodded at me encouragingly. I opened the little lock and let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding, staring down at the contents. It was the two leather bracelets that Louis and I got back at the concert. _L & H _was engraved on the inside of both of them. I could remember them all too well. We had bought them the day we were at the concert. Only a day later, when he had made fun of me in front of everyone, I had thrown it away. I was pretty sure I left it somewhere in the woods. There was no chance that Louis could have it. I kept staring at it, trying to make sure that I wasn't having flashbacks or something.

"I followed you that day. I wanted to make sure that you were okay, cause I knew that I had said some horrible things...and when I saw that you threw it away, I picked it up. I just couldn't leave it there. I thought maybe...if I ever stopped being a dick and got myself together...if we ever, you know, I'd still have them..." he said in a soft tone, answering my unasked question.

"I...wow. I didn't...fuck, thank you, Lou," I exclaimed, laughing wetly as I wiped away the tears on my cheeks. Louis looked teary-eyed as well, but he just grabbed my hand and placed light kisses on it. He wiped away the few remaining tears on my cheeks. 

"You're welcome. They mean a lot to me as well," he said. It was like he wanted to say something else, but he just didn't know how to word it. I nodded understandingly. I really knew how much they meant to him. I crawled into his lap, snuggling into his chest. 

"Your turn," I mumbled, handing him his present. Louis unwrapped it and stared down at the old leather journal sitting in his lap. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew exactly what it was.

"Harry. That's your..." he said, awestruck, but I cut him off.

"My journal, yeah." Louis thumbed over the leather book cover. _Let us love_ was written on it with a black _Sharpie_. Louis had written that on there a few years ago. "After, you know...I wrote a lot of poems and stuff. Most of them are about how far gone I was for you. And there are a lot from the time before too. It...it shows how far gone I've been for you since we were little. I know it's pretty cheesy, but I wanted you to know, because I feel like words-"

"aren't enough to express what I feel for you," Louis finished my sentence, and I simply nodded. 

"Harry, that's...I'm speechless. I feel so honored that you trust me that much," Louis whispered. "It's not cheesy at all. I...shit..." He brushed a hand through his hair, overwhelmed, struggling to find words that would fit his feelings.

"Um..." I cleared my throat, swallowing the lump in my throat. "There weren't always good days. Don't read it if you don't feel comfortable with it. I gave it to you mostly because of the poems and stuff. But I want you to know that you don't have to read it if it feels weird to you, but on the other hand, I want you to know that I wouldn't mind if you read it either. I trust you and I love you." 

Louis nodded, still speechless "I - I love you too, Haz." He started flicking through the pages and stopped randomly on one of the poems. 

**Don't let me go**

_Now you were standing there right in front of me_

_I hold on, it's getting harder to breathe_

_All of a sudden these lights are blinding me_

_I never noticed how bright they would be_

_I saw in the corner there is a photograph_

_No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you_

_It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass_

_This bed was never made for two_

 

_I'll keep my eyes wide open_

_I'll keep my arms wide open_

 

_Don't let me_

_Don't let me_

_Don't let me go_

_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_

Louis looked up at me again, cupping my face. "Never again. Do you hear me? I'll never let you go again." We brushed our lips together and I could feel something wet on my cheeks. I wasn't sure if it was because I was crying or because of Louis. All that mattered at this moment was that I was with Louis and I never planned on letting him go again either. 


	20. Chapter 20 - I Want You

Coming home was hard. Not that I wasn't ready to be back home or anything, but this Christmas had been one of the best ones I'd had in a very long time. Being with my family, with Louis' family, with my friends...it had reminded me so much of what the holiday was really about, and I couldn't be happier.

Louis stopped the car in front of mine and Nick's flat, turning off the engine but not the heat. He turned to me and smiled a true smile, something I had seen on him a lot more recently, and leaned in to peck my forehead.

"I'm gonna miss you, Hazza." He whispered, nuzzling his nose into my neck and kissing lightly there. I giggled slightly.

"It's only a few days. We will see each other at your New Year's Party, yeah?"

"Yeah, but I...I'm so used to being around you...I'll just miss you." Louis said, pulling back to look me in the eye and cupping my cheeks with his hands. I could see his bracelet gracing his small wrist over one of his tattoos, and I brushed my fingers against it, feeling a warmth spreading through my body.

"God, I love you so much..." I mumbled, leaning forward to capture his lips with mine. The familiar happiness that filled me every time we touched or kissed was making me feel all warm and tingly inside, and I didn't want Louis to go. I brought my hands up around his neck and held on, kissing him harder and slipping my tongue into his mouth. 

"You're being bold today..." Louis said into my mouth, tangling his tongue with mine gently and sucking on it slightly. That was new. I let out a small moan and kissed him eagerly, but he sighed through his nose and pulled away reluctantly. "Don't pout, love. I don't want to get too worked up and then have to leave you."

I stuck my bottom lip out further, teasing, and he nipped it slightly, causing my dimple to pop out as I laughed. I kissed him one more time, keeping my lips closed this time, and then linked my fingers through his. "I know...just wish you could stay."

"Soon, baby. I'll call you later, yeah?" Louis offered, and I nodded. He leaned in and pecked each of my cheeks, and then my lips once more. "Better get inside before Nick comes out here and accuses me of stealing you away."

"Alright, alright, I'm going. I love you, Lou," I said shyly. I was still getting used to saying it in public. In the confines of a house or a room alone, it was normal, but saying it out loud, where anyone could hear...it was almost a sort of thrill to me. 

"Love you too, Hazza." Louis blew me a kiss and I caught it, grabbing my bag off the ground and hurrying through the chill towards my door. I unlocked it clumsily, still thinking about Louis, and stepped into my flat. I took one step forward and almost tripped over some bags sitting right by the door.

"Harry, is that you?" Nick's voice came distantly from his bedroom, and I dropped my bag on the couch, shrugging off my coat and walking back to the back room. Nick had clothes everywhere and a slightly panicked look on his face.

"Hey, Nick...what's happened in here?" I asked slowly, looking around at the mess. Nick came over and gave me a quick hug and a peck on the head and then sighed in exasperation. 

"I...David invited me to meet his parents for New Years and I don't know what to pack and we are leaving in the morning. What do I wear in front of my boyfriend's parents? How do I act? Can I hold his hand in front of them? What the fucking fuck am I supposed to do here?" 

My mouth dropped open and then I chuckled. "Please tell me I've never sounded like this when talking about Louis..."

Nick smirked at that one and shook his head. "I know, I should be overreacting...I've just never done this properly before and I don't want to mess it up. What if they hate me?"

I pulled Nick under my arm and ruffled his hair, at which he whined and squirmed out of my grip, fixing his hair. "No one hates you, Grimmy. I'm sure they will adore you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about...David seems like a really good guy, and if he likes you, then his family will like you."

"You always know just what to say..." Nick said with a smile, throwing all his clothes haphazardly into a bag and zipping it shut. 

"I'm pretty sure that is you, mate. Wanna watch a movie?" I suggested. I kept thinking about Louis and as much as I loved thinking about him, it just made me miss him, even though we had only been apart for less than an hour. Nick grinned and threw an arm around me, leading me down the hall and into the main room.

"I thought you'd never ask. I'll make some food...what would you like?"

"Umm...maybe some salad?" I suggested, biting my lip at how hesitant my voice still was when it came to eating. Nick thought for a second, and then his eyes widened and he smiled to himself, heading for the kitchen without another word. I turned on the TV and went to Netflix, looking for something good to watch.

Ten minutes later, Nick came back with two bowls and placed one in front of me, smiling happily. I looked down and raised my eyebrows.

"It's chicken caesar salad...I thought maybe if I put meat in it it would...be better for you?" He looked a bit hesitant now, as though he thought I would flat out refuse to eat it. But I nodded and smiled gratefully. 

"Thank you...this looks amazing. C'mon, pick a movie."

________________

We ate our salads as the movie played out before us, a random rom-com that I had clicked on. Nick finished his and pulled me comfortably into his arms, cuddling me as I finished mine. 

"I've missed this, you know. Being able to hang out with you and just chill." Nick said softly, giving me a squeeze, and I smiled, curling into him happily.

"Me too...but we both have boyfriends now. I hope they don't find us weird...our friendship, I mean. We are pretty touchy..." I pondered over this. I knew that Louis was extremely protective, but Nick also scared him a bit so I wasn't sure how that would plan out.

"Oh, trust me. David and Louis both know that we have eyes only for them. This is just how we are. They can deal with it."

________________

"I'm off to bed, Haz. I'll leave you a note when I leave tomorrow, okay?" Nick yawned, stretching and starting to walk back to his bedroom.

"Okay...if I don't see you, have a good time. Don't be nervous, they will love you." I called, and then his door shut. I sighed, picking up my phone and opening Twitter as I walked slowly to my room. I retweeted a few things and liked some others, and I was about to close out when my screen froze, right on some gay porn. I tried to scroll, but all I could see was this gif of two guys, one of them holding both cocks in one hand and jerking them off together. I felt my cock perk up in interest and I groaned. As if I hadn't come enough in the past couple weeks...

I tried to look away, but when my phone started working again, I accidentally clicked on the account picture, and then an entire timeline of gifs came up. I felt my face heating up and I threw my phone onto my bed, stripping out of my jeans as fast as possible. I shrugged off my shirt as well, crawling into bed in just my boxers and placing my phone on my bedside table. 

I took my time, teasing my nipples and rolling them between my fingers, getting them hard. I pinched them and gasped, my hips bucking up into the air without warning. I could see a wet spot already forming on my pants and I gave up teasing. I pulled my pants off, discarding them and getting a hand on myself, stroking up and down slowly to bring myself to full hardness. My mind slowly drifted to Louis, and I could see his face, his eyes blown wide and his hair a bit messed up, staring down at me.

"Lou...fuck..." I gasped, rubbing over the head of my cock and collecting the precome on the palm of my hand, smoothing it down my shaft as I pumped a bit faster.

My phone rang and I groaned, before remembering that Louis was supposed to call me. I fumbled for my phone with my free hand and picked up, trying to keep my hand from shaking.

"Hey, Hazza. How are you?" Louis' voice sent a jolt of pleasure through my whole body and I moaned, cupping my balls and trying to keep from coming right there and then.

"Lou...holy shit, Lou, need you..." I gasped out, and Louis sucked in a breath on the other end.

"Haz are you...are you jerking off to the thought of me?" He sounded surprised, as if I would do it to the thought of anyone but him.

"Fuck...yes..." I managed, my voice sounding higher than usual. I could hear rustling on the other end and then Louis' breaths were picking up. Fucking hell, he was jerking off too, doing it with me...what had I done to deserve him?

I let one finger slide dangerously close to my hole and I could feel it fluttering at my touch. I had never so much as touched myself there, ever, too nervous to do anything that was too sexual, but right now, thinking of Louis, I could think of nothing I wanted more than for him to be here, doing this to me. 

"Mmm...Louis, please..." I moaned, trying to keep it down since Nick was sleeping, but it still came out a lot louder than I had intended it to.

"Harry, tell me...fuck...tell me what you're doing to yourself...what you're thinking of..." Louis' voice came out breathy and high, and my cock twitched against my stomach.

"I..." I tried to catch my breath before I continued, my voice shaking. "I almost...my finger...in my...but I've never done it to myself...but I want you to do it to me...Lou, please..."

"Talk to me, Harry. Talk me through it. It's alright, baby..." Louis responded quickly, and I could hear the slick sound of his hand sliding up and down his wet cock. I bit down hard on my lip, trying very hard not to come. I hadn't planned on this, but now that it was happening, I wanted it to last.

"Okay...umm...I'm imagining you cupping my balls..fondling them, sliding your fingers over them...and then sliding them further...touching me..." I gave a strangled gasp as my hand ghosted over my hole again. "Y-you're touching my hole...want you in me, Lou..."

"Fuck, Hazza, you're too much..." Louis whispered, whimpers escaping his lips and reaching my ears, which caused me to shudder, and in that motion, the tip of my finger, wet from precome and sweat, slid past my rim and into my hole. I squeaked, not expecting how good it would feel.

"I...shit..." I hissed, feeling the slight burn of my fingertip just sitting inside my ass, afraid to move but wanting to fuck myself on my finger at the same time.

"Tell me, Haz. Tell me..." Louis encouraged, grunting softly, and that's how I knew he was close. I wanted to make him come...and for his noises to make me come. This was not something I normally thought about, mostly because I had always been reluctant to do it, and more so now because of what had happened with Xander, but it was happening. No going back now. I held my breath and pushed my finger in just a bit more.

"I'm...pushing in more...burns, but feels good...ah, so good...fuck..." I stuttered out, my hips jerking at the movement of my finger inside me. My walls were velvety soft, much softer than anything I had ever touched, and suddenly my mind was off, wondering what it would be like to touch Louis like this...to feel inside him...or for Louis to do this to me. Fuck, I needed that so bad.

"That's it...keep going if you're comfortable, baby...God, I wanna touch you so bad...so beautiful, Hazza..." He kept letting the praises spill from his lips and I moved my finger around a bit, bucking up and sinking back down on it, letting out small moans of pleasure.

"Come on, baby...we can come together, love..." Louis added, and he sounded completely out of it...extremely close. I curled my finger as I sank back down and brushed against something inside me. With that, I was completely gone, spilling over my own hand and shooting up my chest with a loud groan. Louis was letting out deep breaths of air, and I knew he had come...just from listening to me.

"Oh...oh fuck...Louis..." I whined, wishing he was here to cuddle and kiss. That's what I needed right now. I just wanted him.

"Shhh, it's alright...m'right here..." Louis said quietly, and I reached with my clean hand to get my t-shirt, cleaning myself up as best I could and crawling under the (thankfully) clean comforter, completely naked.

"Miss you so much, Lou...want you here with me...I sleep better with you..." I said softly, and I swear I could feel Louis' blushing smile through the phone.

"I'll stay on the phone till you fall asleep, that alright?" He asked, and I nodded, forgetting that he could see me. I felt my eyes drooping from pure exhaustion, but I didn't want to stop talking to him yet. We always had pillow talk.

"Mmm...Lou, what're you doing for New Years?" I mumbled, cuddling up with one of my pillows.

"Having a party, you know that, love," Louis chuckled, but I shook my head.

"No, no...I mean what are we doing? Anything special? I know it's only been a month or so, but it feels like so much longer...want that night to be special...just want my Louis..." I was babbling nonsense now, completely out of it, but I knew Louis was smiling. I could hear it in his voice as he spoke to me again.

"We can do whatever you like, Haz. After the party, of course, but yeah. Whatever suits you."

"Want you...really want you, Lou..." I said, my voice muffled by my pillow. Louis sucked in a breath on the other end of the line.

"You really mean that?" He asked, sounding almost afraid of my answer.

"Yeah, m'sure..." I was really falling asleep now, trying to stay awake for his sake. I had a feeling that this was important...that I should be awake for what he was going to say next.

"Haz, you're so tired, love. Sleep. We can get coffee tomorrow if you'd like, maybe talk about this some more..." Louis yawned and that automatically made me yawn with him.

"M'kay...love you so much..."

"I love you too, Hazza. Sweet dreams."

________________

I didn't sleep well that night. Despite being completely exhausted, I just couldn't stay asleep for more than an hour. After three failed attempts to get back to sleep, I padded out to the main room and settled on the couch, wrapped in one of Louis' sweaters that I had stolen from his bag at his mum's house before coming home. It still smelled like him and made me more comfortable.

About two hours after I had come out to the main room, Nick came out of his room, fully dressed and showered and looking nervous.

"Haz, what are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep. Get to see you off, anyway," I yawned, pulling at the sleeves of Louis' sweater and standing up.

"You look exhausted, love. You alright?" Nick asked, sounding concerned as I walked towards him, rubbing my eyes.

"M'fine. Just had a lot of trouble sleeping..."

"Can't sleep without him, can you?" Nick's voice was soft as he said this, and I blushed furiously, realizing that he was right on point with that. I nodded and he pulled me into a hug, ruffling my already messy head of curls. "That's actually adorable, you know? Means that you feel like he protects you."

"Is it stupid that I miss him already? We haven't even been apart for a day. He even called me last night and I still miss him."

"Oh yeah...I could hear that call from across the hallway. Nice chat, eh?" Nick bantered playfully, and I shoved him off of me, embarrassed.

"Shut up..." I mumbled, and Nick laughed, heading for the kitchen. I followed him and stood by the counter, cuddling up in the sweater even though it was a bit too small for me. 

"Want some food, love?" Nick asked as he pulled a box of cereal down and started pouring himself a bowl. I shook my head and his face fell a little, but I was quick to reassure him.

"No, it's not...I mean, Louis and I are going for coffee, and I know he'll want me to eat there, and I don't want to be full."

Nick pressed his lips together but didn't argue. He continued to make himself a light breakfast and then I joined him at the table. I could see his hand shaking slightly as he fed himself, and I reached over and grabbed his hand, smoothing my thumbs over the back of it. He looked up at me and sighed, his features relaxing slightly but still a bit tight with worry.

"Don't worry. You really like David, right?"

Nick nodded and blushed, which made me laugh, because Nick Grimshaw never blushed. "Yeah...I really do. I've never felt like this with anyone before."

"And from what you've said, he really likes you too. And if he likes you, then his family will like you. All a family wants for their children is for them to be happy, and if you make him happy, then they will love you no matter what happens."

"So philosophical, Haz. I think I'm rubbing off on you," Nick joked, but his smile was genuine and a bit of the fear was gone from his eyes. 

"Just be yourself. I'm sure they will love you, alright?"

"Alright. Yeah. It's going to be fine." Nick said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as well as me as he stood up to take his empty bowl to the kitchen. 

"Everything packed?" I called after him, heading for the door to see him off.

"Yeah, pretty sure..." Nick called back, and I smirked.

"Got protection?"

Nick's head popped out of the kitchen with his mouth agape. "Yes, Harry, I have...protection. We haven't done it yet though...not sure when he wants to."

"Trust me, if he's taking you to meet his family, it's coming." I said, laughing at the look on his face. He rolled his eyes and moments later was standing next to me, coat on and keys in his hand. I handed him his bags and then gave him a huge hug. "Good luck. Have fun. And when you get back, I need to meet him. No exceptions this time."

"Alright, you little bugger. Have a good New Years. Don't do anything you don't want to. Love you, Haz."

"Love you too, Nick. Now get out of here before he thinks you're not coming."

Nick grinned and walked out the door, closing it tightly behind him. I took in the silence of the flat for a few moments and then went back to my room, picking my phone up off the table. It was only 6 in the morning...too early for anyone to be up, or so I thought. To my surprise, I saw a message blinking on the screen from Louis.

_L: Hey...can't sleep without you. What do you say to an early breakfast, hmm? My treat. Pick you up in ten? xx_

I smiled and typed back a quick response.

_H: Yeah...same here. Sounds great. See you soon._

I then threw my phone down and dove for my closet, looking for something a bit more presentable to wear other than my boxers and Louis' sweater. I pulled out a rumpled pair of skinny jeans with holes in the knees, a random shirt, and my brown boots that I had worn down to the last bit of wear they had left. They almost had holes in them, but I couldn't part with them. I tugged everything on and dashed for the bathroom, brushing my teeth as quickly and thoroughly as I could. 

I heard a knock on the door and I ran towards it, pulling my jacket off the back of a chair and jamming a hat onto my head as I unlocked it and opened it. I didn't waste any time but threw myself into Louis' arms, hugging the life out of him.

"Lou...shit, Louis, I missed you so much..." I mumbled into his chest, and he tangled his fingers in my curls on the back of my neck, just playing with them gently. I pulled back and looked at him, just taking him in. His cheeks were flushed slightly and his hair up in a very messy quiff today. His jeans were sinfully tight and he had on a maroon jumper under his jacket. His eyes were wide and very bright, and a smile was spreading across his face as did the exact same thing to me.

"Hazza..." He whispered, leaning in and kissing me without any warning. I kissed back happily, letting my hands slide around his waist. It was a short and sweet kiss, and then he was taking my hand and leading me to his car. He had to let go to get into the car, but the moment we were both inside, he pulled me towards him over the middle of our seats and kissed me again, his lips feeling so soft against mine. I hummed happily and slipped my tongue into his mouth, and he did not protest, sliding his tongue against mine and pulling me impossibly closer.

"Fuck...after last night, I needed that..." He muttered as we broke the kiss and he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Sorry about that...I, umm...you just called when I was...yeah." I stuttered, blushing at the mention of it. 

"Don't be sorry...it was amazing. Let's get coffee, yeah, and then we can talk some more. Missed you so much, baby." Louis spoke softly, pecking my lips once more before turning the car on and driving out towards the center of town. 

________________

We went to our favorite place, which opened early, and ordered. While we waited, we just held hands over the table, not saying much. It was so nice to just appreciate Louis...just to sit there and admire what he was like when he wasn't being a dick or snarky like he used to be. Honestly, he had changed so much since we had gotten everything out on the floor. His eyes were brighter, he was almost always smiling, and his voice, while staying in the same raspy high pitch that I loved so much, had lost its biting tone. He was always so soft with me, so kind and caring, and I couldn't get enough of it. I could listen to him talk to me all day, and I'd be satisfied. 

Our coffees arrived and we both sipped at them. Louis had also ordered some pastries, which I was a bit hesitant to eat. They looked amazing, and I hadn't eaten yet today and I was very hungry...but...I didn't know if I should. Or could, for that matter.

"Go on, Hazza. Eat whatever you want. It's alright." Louis encouraged me in a quiet tone, reaching over the table to touch my fingertips, which were tapping on the table relentlessly with nerves. I tried for a smile and reached for a small bite of the pastry, and Louis' grin widened, a small tiny ghost of a dimple forming in one of his cheeks. 

We sat in silence for a bit more and I found my mind drifting to Nick. I wondered how he was doing...whether he was calm or if he was freaking out. And at that moment, something that I had said to him popped into my head.  _"Trust me, if he's taking you to meet his family, it's coming."_

My face drained of color at the thought. In the heat of the moment last night, that had been exactly what I had wanted. I had never craved sex like I had last night. But thinking about it now, when I wasn't completely hard or half asleep, I was terrified.

"Haz...Haz, what's wrong? You look a bit pale." Louis' voice was laced with concern as he gave my hand a squeeze, making me look him in the eye.

"Umm...about what I said last night...I..." I was having a really hard time conveying how I was feeling right now, because there were so many emotions running through my mind. Louis gave me a smile and brought my hand up to his mouth, pressing light kisses all over the back of it. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I...I meant it. What I said, I mean. I really did mean it. I just...I'm...I'm scared."

"Oh, Hazza...I understand completely. It was completely in the heat of the moment, I was thinking the same-" Louis began, but I cut him off. I needed to say this. I needed to make sure he understood what I was saying. 

"No, Louis. I really meant it. I want to...I...I want to have sex with you." I whispered the last part, not wanting to make this conversation any more awkward by having people hear us. "I trust you more than anyone and I love you and I think I'm ready for it, I just...I'm really scared. I have no reason to be, but I am." I bit my lip, finished, and waited for Louis to say something. He seemed to be struggling with his words as much as I was.

"I want it too, love. Have wanted it since the day I figured out what all the feelings I had in me meant. I always wanted it to be with you, you know that. And I still want that...I want it to be perfect for you, okay? I'm going to make sure that whenever that does happen, that you have nothing to be afraid of...I'll take care of you, I promise." Louis said, looking at me with so much sincerity that I could help it: I leaned over the table and kissed him right on the lips. Louis looked shocked, and I realized that that had been our first public kiss since becoming a couple. I blushed, but smiled, and I had never seen him happier.

"So...we could do it, then. If...If I wanted to, and you did too?" I asked slowly, and Louis nodded.

"Yes. I promised you I'd make it perfect. And I will. I love you, Harry."

"Love you too, Lou...thank you..." I said, picking up another piece of the pastry and eating it without really thinking about it. Just seeing Louis this happy made me happy, and for once, I wasn't worried about food intake or carbs or anything. I had Louis, he loved me, and that was what mattered to me.

After another half hour of just talking and drinking, Louis had to go, so we bundled up against the cold and got in the car so Louis could drop me off. I held his hand tight the whole way back to my flat, not wanting him to leave again. I knew I'd be lonely and I just wanted to be with Louis.

We pulled up in front of my flat and I pouted, wanting Louis to stay, but he shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "I can't, love, I have to go help Liam and Zayn set up for the party in a few days. Don't worry. I'll call later, okay. And I'll walk you to the door."

He opened his car door, got out, and ran around to open mine for me. I hopped down and took Louis' hand immediately, walking slowly towards my door. I reached it and turned around, and Louis pressed me lightly against it, fitting his lips with mine and placing his gloved hands around my waist. I let out a little moan into the kiss and didn't want him to stop. I needed him...fuck, I was getting hard already. 

Louis let his lips slip down to my neck, and I was thanking all gods that I hadn't worn a scarf. I let out a breathy whimper as he nibbled on my neck, marking me. I slipped a hand down to my pants and roughly palmed myself, but Louis was quick to move my hand away.

"Door, Hazza...unlock it..." He whispered into my neck, and he allowed me to turn around, not letting his lips part from the spot on my neck. I fumbled the key, but managed to unlock the door, and Louis pushed me inside, closing the door behind us and backing me against it. His fingers moved expertly on the buttons of my coat, getting it off of me as fast as he could. I had not expected this at all, but nevertheless, I was totally fine with it. A loud moan escaped me as he bit down harder on my neck, sliding the coat down off my shoulders, and I struggled to get his off as well, wanting to feel his warmth against me. 

"I really have to go..." Louis panted against my neck, but he made no move to leave, leading me over to the couch and immediately finding my lips. I shivered under his touch, feeling my pants becoming uncomfortably tight. I wanted to relieve the pressure, but Louis shook his head, knowing what I was thinking. "Want you to come just from my mouth...farewell gesture from me, yeah?"

"Fuck...yes, god, yes please..." I struggled to speak coherently as Louis' lips traveled down my neck to my collar bones and then mouthing over my nipples through my shirt. I gasped and my hips moved up, desperate for more friction. The tightness of my jeans was not helping me hold back my orgasm, because I was extremely close already.

"Lou...close..." I mumbled, trying not to move too much as his lips traveled back up my body and he kissed over his hickey one more time. I could feel the bruise there, and I twitched in my pants. "Lou...oh fuck...Lou, kiss me, please..." I begged, needing his lips on mine. I was so fucking close. Louis' lips, wet with spit, were suddenly on mine, and he let out a moan into my mouth. His teeth sunk into my bottom lip and I was coming hard into my pants, not able to do anything except kiss Louis sloppily, my whole body jolting with the force of my orgasm. Louis was panting, his body now completely on top of mine, and I knew just by the look on his face, that he had already come.

"God, I love you..." Louis said, kissing me again, and I smiled into it.

"You have to go, remember?" I said in a mocking tone, and he sighed.

"You're right of course...I do have to go. But I love you, okay? I'll see you in a few days. Make sure you eat, alright?" Louis sat up and pulled me up with him, looking me in the eye. I nodded and he pecked my lips, standing up as quickly as he could and putting his coat on clumsily. He swooped in for one last kiss and was gone. I lay there, knowing that my come was drying in my pants, and not even caring. I could still feel the ghost of Louis' lips on me and I wanted to lay there forever. But it was getting cold and I needed to start the fire and change and make myself some food.

I got up and changed first, into joggers and a t-shirt, and then started the fire up. As heat spread throughout the house, I made my way into the kitchen, where I found a note on the fridge.

_H,_

_Thought you could use some recipes. Left all your favorites on the counter. Make enough for yourself and some for leftovers. Love you xx_

_Nick_

I smiled and pulled one of them towards me. I was really in the mood for spaghetti.

________________

Out in the car, Louis hadn't left yet. He was sitting in the car, on the phone with Zayn, his hands shaking with nerves.

"Z, he said it right to my face. He wants to...with me! But he's utterly terrified. I completely understand that, but I just want to make it perfect for him. I fucked up with him way too many times already, and I can't do it again. I need to make this special."

"Lou, you need to take a deep breath. Harry loves you, he will love it no matter what, as long as it's with you."

"I want to make it...just right for him. He's so...just...fuck, Zayn, help me out here!" 

"Okay, okay. Oh...what about up on the roof? You mentioned that he really seemed to like it up there, and that he loves the lights."

"It's the middle of fucking winter, it would be freezing!"

"Oh, trust me...I have a perfect idea. Get your ass home. We have things to discuss."

Louis hung up and started the car, breathing deeply. If he was really doing to do this for his boy, it had to be absolutely perfect. He just hoped that what Zayn had in mind fit with his idea.


	21. Chapter 21 - Under The Lights

Contrary to not having Louis with me, I made it through the next couple days. I bought my books for my new classes at Uni and I went grocery shopping and I cooked food for myself and I wrote in the new journal I bought. I loved being able to write good things in there instead of how crushed and alone I felt, which had been almost the entirety of what I had felt over the last five years. If Louis and I were still together at the end of another year, I was going to give it to him as a gift. I was lame for thinking of the same gift twice, but Louis had really seemed to like it, and if he ever read the entire thing, he would probably want to read something a bit happier after it. I had even started a new song in the journal. I was still fiddling with lyrics but I thought about calling the song If I Could Fly, because it just...fit with my feelings for him.

I stood in front of the mirror, something I hadn't done in a long time, and looked down at my clothes. I was again outfitted in my tightest skinny jeans, my heart printed shirt, and my boots. It was the only thing that I knew I looked good in, and I really wanted to look good for Louis. I had no idea what tonight would hold, probably a bit of drinking and watching the fireworks go off, but it was still a party, and nice was necessary.

I messed with my hair a bit more, trying to make it look better, but my curls kept flopping into my eyes. Eventually I gave up with a sigh and pocketed my phone. I pulled on my coat and stepped out into the cold December, soon to be January, air, heading for the bus station. I texted Nick to let him know that I was going out, just because, and hopped on the bus.

Ten minutes later I had arrived, and I could already see the lights coming from Louis' and Liam's flat. I climbed the stairs, careful not to slip, and knocked on the door. Liam opened it at once and his face split into a huge smile.

"Harry! Been waiting all day for you, mate! Come on in!"

I walked in and smiled at the surroundings. It wasn't some sort of college party shit, it was nice. People were milling around, talking with drinks in their hands, swaying slightly to the music. The curtains were thrown wide, showing off a lovely view over London, and the lighting was soft. Liam took my coat and headed for the closet, hanging it up. I nodded to a few people that I recognized from Uni and fiddled with the bracelet around my wrist. Where was Louis?

"Hey, Harry! Good to see you, mate!" An Irish voice called, and I turned to see Niall, seated at the bar with a very pretty girl and Zayn on his other side. They all waved at me and I grinned, walking over to them and feeling slightly out of place. They were all in jeans and t-shirts, and here I was dressed nicely.

"You look great, Harry. Louis is going to die when he sees you," Zayn offered, lifting his face up to give Liam a kiss as he joined us. Niall grinned cheekily and stood up with the pretty girl.

"Harry, this is my girlfriend, Emma. Emma, this is Harry, Louis' boyfriend."

"Really nice to meet you, Emma. Niall has spoken highly of you...for the two times that I've spent time with him," I said in a joking manner, kissing her cheek gently in greeting.

"And you. Niall says you're all Louis talks about. Must be pretty special if you can ground Tommo."

I blushed a little, trying not to let my mind wander to all the mindless fucks that Louis'd had before we had gotten our shit together.

"Well, he's exactly that. Too special for words, in fact," said a very familiar voice from behind me, and I turned to see Louis coming towards me, a cup in each of his hands. He set them down on the counter and leaned in for a kiss. I obliged, feeling very happy that I was able to do this in front of people now. Louis pecked my lips a few times and Niall groaned.

"You two are actually disgusting. Worse than Liam and Zayn, I swear."

"Oi, we aren't that bad!" Liam butted in, but Zayn shook his head, smiling.

"Yes, love. We really are."

We all burst into laughter and I just took in the scene before me. Liam was happily sitting on Zayn's lap, the two of them stealing kisses every now and then. Niall was flirting openly with Emma, who was laughing at him. And me...I was standing here in the arms of someone that I never thought I had a chance with...someone who had, until a few months ago, been my worst enemy. Nothing could be more perfect than this.

As the night went on, Niall went from his crazy self to a tipsy version of that, to a full on drunk version, dancing randomly to any jingle that came on television. Emma just sat back, sipping her drink and watching him with an amused smile on her face. Zayn and Liam were cuddled up on the couch. Most of the other people that had been there had left, probably to go to other parties, but there were still at least twenty people there, all milling around and looking out the window and playing stupid drinking games as we watched the clock tick nearer and nearer to midnight.

With a minute left, we all stood and, despite the cold, went out onto the balcony to watch the fireworks. There were people all around and Louis and I were in the middle of the crowd, our hands locked together and standing so close that the bracelets on our wrists were touching. Everyone around us was frantically searching for their date or just someone random as we got to the final seconds.

_5_

_4_

_3_

_2_

_1_

"Happy New Year!" Everyone yelled, and as the first firework exploded against the night sky, Louis pulled me in close to him and kissed me hard and passionately. I kissed him back, completely forgetting everything going on around us. It was like time stood still as Louis and I continued to kiss, the cheers fading away and the booms of the fireworks not reaching my ears, even though I could see the colors going off behind my closed eyelids.

"Hazza, I have a surprise for you, yeah?" Louis whispered in my ear as people started filing back into the house to get warm and to get ready to leave. I looked at him curiously, but he just smiled, took my hand, and lead me back into the house. We walked to the kitchen and set our drinks down. Only then did I notice that I was not buzzed at all. I had been drinking water all night...even though my intention had been to get a bit drunk and have a cuddle with Louis. Then it hit me that Louis had been bringing me drinks all night...

"Lou...why did you just give me water?" I asked as Louis started cleaning up the kitchen a bit.

"Did I? Mmm, sorry, love." Louis said offhandedly, and there was something in his voice that sounded a bit off.

"Lou, are you alright? You sound a bit off..." I asked, slowly walking to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. He turned, smiling, and kissed my forehead. He opened his mouth to answer, but Zayn and Liam entered the kitchen.

"Emma took Niall home. Thought he could use a bit of sleep and a lot of water. We're gonna go over to my house, if that's alright with you, Louis." Zayn said, and Liam blushed. Well, now we both knew what they were gonna get up to this evening.

"Yeah, sure. Just have him home tomorrow sometime. No big deal." Louis said, waving them off, and Zayn came over, taking the dishes out of his hands.

"But first, we'll clean up the kitchen. Go on." Zayn gave Louis a wink and Liam kept his head down, but I could have sworn a smile was on his face. Louis let out a breath and took my hand, leading me out into the main room.

"Lou, where are we going?" I asked yet again, but Louis didn't answer. His grip on my hand, however, got tighter, and he turned to me.

"H, I want you to close your eyes, okay? I'm not going to hurt you...I just have a surprise for you."

I hesitated, and Louis leaned in, kissing my cheek comfortingly. I closed my eyes and Louis placed his hands carefully over them, standing behind me and guiding me forward. We made a turn and then I heard a door open.

"Up some stairs now, Hazza..."

I stepped up and counted...fifteen stairs. I could feel a bit of a chill, but also an intense warmth, and weird light patterns were dancing through Louis' fingers and across my closed eyelids. Louis stopped walking and I stopped abruptly.

"You can open up now, love." Louis' hands were gone from my eyes and I slowly opened them. The gasp I let out was not even enough to describe what I was seeing.

We were back on the rooftop garden, the twinkling lights winking above me. I could feel the chilly January air nipping at me, but there were three space heaters surrounding what looked like a very comfortable mattress type thing, which was covered with blankets. There were a couple bottles of water and some food as well, but I couldn't focus on that. There was only one thing running through my mind and I couldn't process it. There was no way.

"Lou...is this...did you do all this for me?" I asked in a stuttered whisper, turning to him with wide eyes. He nodded, biting his lip and looking a bit nervous.

"Yeah...I mean, Zayn and Liam helped me, cause I'd never be able to get all of this up here by myself but...I...I promised you perfect, and this was as close as I could get."

Realizing what his words were implying put a lump in my throat that made it impossible to speak. I didn't know if that lump was because I was scared or because I was just so overwhelmed by what I was seeing, but I just threw myself into his arms, hugging him tightly and burying my face into his shoulder.

"Shh, it's alright, Hazza. Do you like it...are you upset...? I'm a bit lost on the mixed sign-"

I cut him off with a hard kiss, grabbing both sides of his face and holding him to me for a good few seconds.

"It's perfect...you're perfect...I love you..." I managed, and Louis' grin reemerged on his face. He brushed a hand delicately across my cheek, looking at me like I was the only thing he could see.

"You want to take your shoes off?" Louis asked hesitantly, and I almost fell over in my haste to get my boots off my feet. Louis padded over to the mattress in his socks and fixed up the blankets on it while I got my shoes off. When I was done I walked slowly over to him and knelt down, crawling onto the mattress and burrowing under some of the blankets, smiling like an idiot at the warmth and comfort of them. Louis crawled under them as well and pulled me in close, kissing me at once. His lips moved slowly and delicately against mine, making my body tingle all over. I felt his tongue on my bottom lip and opened my lips, allowing him entrance. I pulled him even closer, wanting to press my body right up against his. I could feel him half hard already against my hip, and I was sure that I wasn't any better, but I didn't even care.

"Hazza, can I undress you, baby?" Louis asked, pressing soft kisses into my cheeks and all over my face. I didn't have the words to tell him how much I wanted that, so I just nodded vigorously. He chuckled and then moved his lips back to mine, his fingers dancing slowly across my chest as he slowly unbuttoned my shirt. I whimpered into his mouth as I felt for his chest, undoing the buttons of his shirt a lot less skillfully, but I still managed to get the job done.

Louis ran his hands all down my chest, lingering for a moment on my nipples, and then my two extra nipples, and then my hips. There was a tiny voice in the back of my head that started to protest, but Louis must have been able to read minds, because he just gripped me harder.

"You're beautiful..." His voice was so soft and I could barely stand it. He was too good to me. His hands slid up my shoulders to push my shirt off of them, and then he sat up, discarding both of our shirts next to us. His hands found my hips again and he pulled me to him, leaning his fore head on mine and breathing a bit harder than usual, just looking down at me. I felt my clothed cock brush up against his and moaned at the contact, moving my hips up for more friction. Louis kissed my bottom lip and then moved his lips down my neck, licking at a spot just below my ear. Small whimpers escaped me as he nibbled on the sensitive skin there, but I wanted him. I wanted Louis so bad it hurt. My hands, which had been busy exploring his bare chest, slipped lower and began to unbutton his pants, but they were so tight that I couldn't even get them past his thighs.

"Let me help you with that, love," Louis offered, and he sat up, tugging his jeans and pants off in unison. He was so beautiful that I just sat there, halfway through getting my own pants off, staring at him in awe. His cock, almost fully hard already, was sticking out, bobbing through the air as he moved to get his pants out of the way. I suddenly jolted back into action, getting rid of the rest of my clothes and crawling towards him, wanting to kiss him badly. He met me halfway, our lips crashing together with pure need, and our hands grabbing one another to hold each other close. My hands gripped into his ass boldly, and he moaned into my mouth, his breath coming in short pants as our naked cocks rubbed together, precome from both of us mixing and making us slide deliciously against each other.

"Fuck..." I groaned, my lips finding their way to Louis' once more, wet and bitten red. Louis grabbed onto my hips and ground against me, pulling a sharp whine from high in my throat as my stomach jolted. This was too good...too much, almost. But still, I wanted more.

"Love you so much, Hazza...love you..." Louis mumbled against my lips, and I whined again.

"Lou...feeling close...don't wanna come till you're inside me...please..." I begged, and he smiled down at me, his blue eyes bright and the twinkling lights sparkling above his head.

"Okay, baby...gotta get you open first, alright?" Louis pulled a bottle of lube from under one of the pillows and I heard the snick of the bottle as it opened. Louis poured some on his fingers and rubbed them together, getting them nice and coated. I hadn't even noticed that we weren't under the blankets anymore until then, but that was probably for the best.

I felt the nerves building in my stomach as Louis reached for me...but his hand was only going for a pillow behind my head.

"Lift your hips...this will make it more comfortable for you." He pecked my forehead, and then my cheeks each in turn, and then my lips. "Don't be scared...I'll take care of you."

I nodded and lifted my hips, my cock slapping against my stomach as I moved. Louis slowly moved his lubed fingers down my shaft, making me shiver. His hand cupped around my balls, feeling them gently and moving them between his fingers slowly. He kissed my lips once again and then began to lay feather light kisses all the way down my chest. He spent a bit of time on each of my nipples, rolling the buds with his tongue and making me gasp with every touch. His lips then moved down to my belly, teasing the hair that lead down to my groin.

"So fucking beautiful. You're mine and you're so gorgeous..." Louis mumbled. He began sucking a small love bite to a spot just below my belly button, and the tip of my cock touched his hair. The barely there touch of his feathery hair was enough to make me moan out loud, the sound getting lost in the sky, and Louis pressed a final kiss to his mark. His fingers, still coated with lube, were making their way towards my hole, and I spread my legs a bit, trying to make it easier for him. My thighs were shaking terribly but he just rubbed up and down my leg with his free hand, soothing me. I felt his cool touch against my rim and had to exercise a lot of self control not to let my hips buck up into his face, which was still hovering inches over my hardened and dripping cock.

"You're okay, love. I need you to relax for me, or this might hurt a bit. I don't want to hurt you. Relax for me, baby...that's it..." He kept soothing me with words and my tense body finally relaxed. Without even realizing it, Louis' finger had been waiting for just that, and as soon as I was relaxed enough, his finger slid easily into me. Both of us made noises of pleasure at that and my mouth was open, not believing how amazing this felt. Louis thrust his finger in a few times slowly, and then started to work faster, making me whimper with each thrust.

"M-more, Lou...want more..." I mumbled, and he made eye contact with me to make sure I was with him, and then slid another finger in next to the first one. The stretch was more than I was used to but not unpleasant by any means. The burn was amazing, turning almost at once into pleasure. Louis scissored his fingers back and forth, opening me up, and then without warning curled his fingers like he was beckoning. I let out a cry and could not help my hips from moving this time, my cock twitching on my stomach.

"What...what was..." I gasped, and Louis came up to kiss me, his lips sloppy against mine.

"That was your prostate, Haz. Feel good?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yes...yes, do that a-again."

Louis bent his fingers again and I moaned, gripping the blankets next to me and holding on, like they were going to help me stay grounded or something. Louis gave a few thrusts with two fingers and then looked back up at me. "Can you do one more, baby?"

"Yes...yes, another, please..." I said quickly, and in went a third finger. This time, it hurt a bit, and my hand shot out to grab Louis' wrist. "Wait...wait, please...shit..."

"I'll wait, we have all the time in the world. It's alright..." Louis said softly, not moving as I adjusted to the stretch of his fingers. I knew that his cock was definitely bigger and thicker than three of his fingers, but that was different. I needed to get used to this first. When the dull pain had left, I nodded and Louis pushed his fingers in and then back out, moving them all around and stretching me even more. Moans and curses were dropping from my lips quickly and incoherently as Louis fingered me, but soon enough, I needed more. Wanted him.

"Lou...want you...need you now, please...I..." I stumbled over the words, trying to keep calm at the mounting fear and excitement that were welling up in me equally fast and in equal measure. Louis pulled his fingers out and grabbed the lube again, pouring a generous amount on his cock and slicking himself up.

"Wait...what about a condom?" I asked at once, remembering what Nick had always said about safe sex. Even he, who had fucked around with too many people to count, had always used protection unless he knew it was safe not to.

"That's my other surprise for you...I went and got tested to make sure...cause I knew this might be a possibility soon...and I'm clean. I know you're clean too. I wanted you to feel me properly for your first time...is that okay?" Louis finished, looking apprehensive.

"Oh, Louis...yes, I want that. I love you so much..." I babbled a stream of thank yous and a bunch of other stuff, and Louis just leaned down to kiss me again, his tongue sliding instantly with mine as he kissed me somewhat sloppily. He pulled back and looked at me, his eyes blown wide but a smile still on his face. I smiled back, leaning up a bit to capture his lips one more time, and then I lay back down.

"You ready, Hazza?" He asked, with so much sincerity that I could have cried. He really did care, he cared so much, and this was all I had ever wanted.

"Yeah...yeah, m'ready." I answered, and Louis scooted closer, lining himself up with me. I felt his tip against my hole and my whole body shuddered in anticipation. And then his tip was inside me, sliding in because of all the lube. What started as a moan of pleasure turned into a squeak of pain as my hole burned, and Louis stopped moving, letting me get adjusted to his size. When I nodded, he pushed in a little bit more and stopped again. Tears were at the corners of my eyes, but only because it felt so good, and just the mere fact of what was happening. I was giving Louis Tomlinson, my boyfriend, my virginity, in a spot that couldn't be more perfect, on the first day of a new year.

Louis bottomed out and groaned loudly, his head dropping as he placed his hands carefully on my hips to hold me steady.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck...Lou..." I moaned, reaching for him, and he leaned down, brushing his lips on mine. I gripped his arms tightly and looked up at him, just needing to see his eyes. All I could see in them was adoration. It was like he was looking at the only thing in the world that could make him happy, and that thing was me.

  
"Move...please move...I'm ready..." I gasped out, and Louis pulled out about halfway before sliding back in. Both of us moaned loudly as Louis continued his slow thrusts.

"So fucking tight, Haz...so tight...so good for me..." Louis whispered as he picked up the pace a little bit. My hips were rocking with the force of his thrusts, but I had never felt anything better than this. Louis changed his angle a little bit and I almost screamed as he hit my prostate dead on. Louis was now pulling out almost all the way and then slamming back into me, hitting my prostate every time, and I could feel my balls pulling tight up against me. My head felt slightly fuzzy and I knew that I was about two seconds away from going over the edge.

"Oh...Lou...gonna come...I'm gonna come..."

"That's right...come...come for me, baby..." Louis whispered dirtily in my ear, biting down on my earlobe as he thrust in again, and then I was coming harder than I had ever come in my life, thick ropes of white splattering all the way up to my chin. Louis gave a high pitched moan and then I felt suddenly warm inside...Louis was coming inside me, hard, the pulses of his come pressing against my prostate and making me squirm with over sensitivity. Louis' head dropped onto my chest, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. His lips pressed kisses all over until he found my mouth, and then he was kissing me harder than he ever had, and I was kissing back, feeling a bit light headed with how hard I had just come.

Eventually, when I felt him starting to go soft, Louis pulled out and suddenly his head was between my legs, lapping at my hole. He licked up his own come as it leaked out of me, and I whined with every touch of his tongue to my clenching hole as I slowly came down from my high.

Once I was all cleaned out, Louis stood and came back seconds later with damp towels, which he used to clean us both up, his touches so gentle that I could hardly feel them in my half awake state.

"Hazza, need you to sit up now...drink some water, baby." Louis said, but I only half heard him. His hand was on my back in a second, helping me sit up, and I felt a water bottle against my lips. I drank what he gave me and that cleared my head a little bit. "Here, have some of this cracker too. You need some food in you." He placed a cracker in my hand and I lifted it slowly to my mouth, looking at Louis slowly.

"Feels fuzzy...is it supposed to feel fuzzy?" I asked, mumbling my words together.

"You're alright...some people get a bit woozy after their first time...I was prepared just in case." I felt Louis' weight shift and I made grabby hands for him. I needed him.

"Nooooo, don't leave me," I begged, and he was right back in my arms in seconds.

"Not gonna leave you, baby. C'mon. Let's lay down." Louis guided me back down to the mattress and pulled blankets over both of us, making sure the pillow under my head was clean. He leaned over me and kissed me gently and I hummed, cuddling closer to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spooned me from behind. My face was buried in a pillow, but I tried to talk anyway.

"Lou, that was amazing...love you so much...never gonna stop loving you..."

"You're perfect, Harry. I love you too. Sleep, now, baby."

I nodded into the pillow, and we both fell asleep, cuddled in blankets and sleeping under the lights. 


	22. Chapter 22 - You Promised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, guys, Liz here! I just wanted to give you a heads up that chapters won't be coming out as fast as they were over Christmas. I'm back in school and I'm also working, so that takes up a lot of my time. Just thought you guys should know, so you don't panic if we don't update right away. Love you guys, hope you continue reading our story. All the love xx
> 
> ~L
> 
> A/N: Hey, just wanted to say a quick - thank you - for all your comments here, on wattpad and twitter! You don't know how much every single of them means to us! Have a lovely day! Lots of love x
> 
> ~ Vanessa

Three days had passed since Louis and I did the _do,_ and we had been inseparable since. I loved being around him. His mere presence was enough to make me smile. The morning after, we had awoken tangled together under many blankets, and we stayed up there, kissing lazily and just being with each other. Louis had then offered to take me home, but when we got there, he didn't want to say goodbye, so he didn't. Since Nick wasn't getting back for a few days, he just decided to stay, which was fine by me. We had five years of misunderstandings to catch up on.

Today, however, was the first day we wouldn't be spending together. Louis had only left 30 minutes ago and I was already missing him more than was probably healthy. I was snuggled up on the couch, wrapped in my favorite blanket that still smelled like him, with a cup of hot chocolate in my hands. The latest episode of _Kitchen Nightmares_ was playing in the background, but my mind kept drifting to Louis. I couldn't help it...he was just so wonderful to me, and I missed having his strong arms holding me. I stirred my hot chocolate lazily, my thoughts miles away, but the slamming of the door jolted me from my thoughts.

"Harry!" Nick exclaimed, and moments later, his arms were wrapping around me from behind in a tight hug. "Happy New Year, love!"

"Happy New Year, Nick," I said, turning my head to see him and smiling. Maybe I had been busy thinking of Louis a lot over the past few days, but I really had missed Nick. "Glad you're back."

"Harry, I wanna introduce someone to you," he added, and I almost broke my neck turning around. Finally, I had been waiting too long for this. Nick nodded across the room and said, a beaming smile on his face, "Harry this is David, my _boyfriend_."

I stood up quickly, throwing my blanket to the ground, and came round the couch to better see the guy who had stolen Nick's heart. David was standing awkwardly in the middle of our living room, looking a bit shy. He was tall, almost as tall as me, and damn - he was really fit. He had blonde hair and definitely looked a bit like a sunny boy, but not in a bad way. He offered a small smile to me and at that moment I knew that he was perfect for Nick. I couldn't explain why it hit me right then, but it was just something about the sincerity of his expression and the look in his eyes as his gaze shifted to Nick. He was the one. I was normally shy around new people, but, what with everything good that had happened to me recently and the fact that Nick had a boyfriend that obviously cared about him, I just walked right up to David and wrapped him in a hug. When I pulled away, he looked a bit shocked but very happy.

"Nice to meet you, David! I'm Harry, and I'm very thankful that there is finally someone who can curb Nick. I thought this might never happen," I said happily, smirking at the last part of my sentence.

David blushed a bit, but chuckled at my comment. Nick just snorted, trying to act tough, but clearly embarrassed.

"Nice to meet you, Harry. Heard lots about you!" David offered in return, smiling. Yep, I definitely liked him a lot.

Nick suddenly abandoned his position leaning on the back of the couch and walked over to me, looking me up and down and walking around me in a circle, eyeing me suspiciously.

"What?" I asked, confused by his behavior.

"Something is different and I can't tell what..." Nick said very slowly, catching my eye. I looked back at him, but there was nothing I could do to stop the smile creeping onto my face. _Louis..._ "Those dimples...you never smile this much...what has he done?"

"Nothing," I said, but I was still beaming like an idiot.

"Oh, you're not even trying to hide it. Did he....oh fuck, wait. Did you..." he almost fumbled his words in his excitement, and he thrust his hips forward in extremely obvious sign language. I immediately blushed and was pretty sure I've never blushed any harder in my life. It was really awkward to talk about my sex-life with Nick, but it was even more awkward that his boyfriend, someone I had only met about two minutes ago, standing right there. I bit my lip hard, not sure if I should answer him, but apparently that was all the confirmation he needed.

"HOLY FUCK, YOU DID!" Nick nearly squealed, pulling me roughly into a hug and almost jumping up and down with pride and excitement. "Oh my god! You have to tell me everything! Please tell me you used protection. I mean, Louis is a good guy, but you know...Safety first...and what about-"

"Nick, stop embarrassing him," David laughed, and I smiled in embarrassment. Wow, I really liked this guy. At least he was on my side.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right, sorry. I...just got a bit excited, I guess..." Nick giggled like a school girl, letting go of me. I shook my head, still smiling.

"I'll tell you eventually. Just...not right now. I have to take a shower and stuff because I'm heading over to Louis' for a lads night with Li, Zayn, Louis and...Max," I said, hesitating to say Max's name out loud. Sure, it had been me who had suggested that we all meet up after Christmas, but if I was being honest, I didn't feel comfortable with Max around. Max had smiled and been nice outwardly when we met, but there was just something cold about how he looked at me that I couldn't get out of my head. And I hated the way that he was all touchy with Louis.

"Who's Max?" Nick asked curiously, noticing my discomfort immediately. I had tried my best to keep my expression neutral, but Nick had always been able to read me like an open book, and I knew that he wouldn't let it go until I told him.

"Louis' ex," I mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"His ex? Why is his ex hanging out with you?" he asked, sounding very confused.

"Better question: Why did you agree to hang with him if he obviously makes you uncomfortable?" David added, and despite the fact that I had only met him a few minutes ago, he seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. I could only imagine how protective he was of Nick.

"Louis and him are still friends and...I mean...I don't want Louis to choose between me and his friends. He can be friends with whomever he wants, that's not my place to say anything different." I explained, but my voice came out a bit frustrated. "I wish I could just...stay here. It would be a lot better than spending the night watching him stare at my boyfriend..."

David and Nick exchanged a quick look before David spoke up again. "You know what, Harry? What if we came with you? I mean, I know we just met, but you seem like you could use some support, and I'm sure that Nick would agree with me when I say that we are here for you."

"You would do that?" Nick asked, turning to his boyfriend in shock.

"Of course I would. Since he's a friend of yours, he's a friend of mine now as well," David shrugged, like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to be suggesting spending an evening with me and my friends. Nick looked at him for a few seconds and then kissed him full on the mouth. It took all I had to contain the 'aww' that was building in my throat.

"You'd really do that? Gosh, that would be really nice. But only if you don't mind. I don't wanna bother you or mess up an evening if you had something else planned," I spoke up, surprised by his offer.

"Lads night it is then," David said happily, grinning at me.

"You can keep him," I giggled, poking Nick's side. All Nick could do was smile. 

_____________

Nick and David were cuddled up in my bed, helping me to pick an outfit for tonight.

"You have to look even hotter then usual, love", Nick said "I mean you always look great, but we wanna show Louis what's his, right?" He winked at me.

"What? You mean he can look hotter than he already does?" David exclaimed playfully, trying to make me feel more confident about myself, and I guess it worked, but that didn't stop me from blushing anyways. David was an amazing guy. I just had met him an hour ago but I could already tell that he was definitely my type of pal. He seemed like one of the guys who truly cared for other people, and I couldn't be more happy that he was Nick's boyfriend.

"Oh you haven't seen him in his skinny jeans, babe," Nick chuckled, leaning over to give him a peck on the lips. "Come on, Harry! Show us those thighs and your cute little bum!"

I shook my head, laughing. "Which pair? And which shirt?"

"Can you believe this guy is studying fashion design?" Nick exclaimed, mocking me playfully before he stood up and walked over into my closet. Two minutes later, he came back with the tightest pair of skinny jeans I had and a pair of black boots. "Give me a second," he said, holding his finger up before rushing out of the room. David and I just looked at each other questioningly, but Nick was back in seconds, holding a black and white speckled shirt that was part of my latest 'collection' that I had done for exams. "Try that," he said, throwing the shirt in my direction.

________________

Forty minutes later and after David and Nick had assured me about fifty times that I looked _hot as hell_ ,  we were standing in front of the front door of Liam and Louis' flat.

"They definitely need a lift in this house," David exhaled, breathless.

"My words exactly!" I agreed, satisfied. Finally someone who agreed on me with that. Nick just rolled his eyes, which made us both laugh.

"You look fabulous, babe. He won't be able to keep his eyes of you!" Nick whispered in my ear encouragingly as I rang the door bell. Only a few seconds we were greeted by Liam, who was carrying Zayn on his back. I didn't even bother questioning it, because it was Liam and Zayn.

When we entered the flat I immediately spotted Max, who was sitting a little too close to _my_ boyfriend on the couch. Any closer and he'd be sitting on his lap. I swallowed hard and cleared my throat.

"Hazza! Baby!" Louis exclaimed happily before rushing over, lifting me off my feet and spinning me around. I giggled as he put me down and he pressed a hard kiss to my lips. "Missed you."

"Missed you too," I mumbled against his lips, craving more kisses, but he backed away, holding me by the shoulders.

"Let me look at you. Woah. You look absolutely stunning," he exhaled, impressed, which made me blush furiously.

"Looks like someone wants to get laid tonight," Zayn said, winking at me and poking out his tongue. I grabbed a pillow from the couch next to me and threw it at him, pretending to be mad. Zayn held his hands up in defense, laughing.

"Louis, this is Nick's boyfriend, David. I hope you don't mind that I brought them over with me. Just thought more lads would mean more fun," I said.

"No, I don't mind. Not at all. I'm glad to meet you. Already heard only the best about you," Louis exclaimed, shaking David's hand with obvious excitement. Nick pulled Louis into a quick but heartfelt hug as his greeting.

"Oh yeah - and that's Max," Louis said, waving him over to join us.

"His _ex,_ " Max added, shooting me a conniving look. I rolled my eyes at Nick who eyed up Max from head to toe, his nose crunching in obvious disgust at the mere sight of him.

"Nick. Flatmate of his _boyfriend,_ " Nick said, offering a handshake which Max didn't take and putting a lot of emphasis on the word boyfriend. I loved him. He was always so loyal to me and it was obvious that he didn't like Max one bit.

"And I'm David. The boyfriend of his _boyfriend's_ flatmate," David said, joining our plot with a smirk. Louis looked at me questioningly, but I just shrugged, suppressing a laugh and pretending not to know what was going on.

"What do you think, Louis? How does our Harry look?" Nick asked, patting my bum, a smirk on his face. I tried to shush him with a look, but Nick was having way too much fun teasing and testing Max.

"He always looks hot to me. But damn boy, those jeans are tight, man. How am I supposed to survive this evening?" Louis countered playfully, pulling me to him and kissing me deeply, his hands holding my cheeks delicately. I smiled at him as he rested his forehead against mine, his lips turned up in a smile and his eyes sparkling with adoration.

"What do you think, Max?" David teased, earning a devilish grin from Nick. Max's eyes widened, not expecting this question at all. I grew stiff, almost fearing his answer.

"Um...he looks good? Louis always had an excellent taste. That shirt is sick..." he mumbled, not really looking at me.

"Yeah, you like his shirt? It's from his own latest collection. He's incredibly talented," Nick praised, making me blush even more. Max jaw dropped a bit, surprised.

"Well, sorry for interrupting, but Harry, would you mind helping me with the food in the kitchen?" Liam asked, waving me over to him.

"Sure," I just shrugged as I followed him into the kitchen. Liam closed the door behind us, making sure that nobody was listening. I eyed him curiously "What?"

"Max is obnoxious, isn't he?" Liam scoffed, sitting down on a chair. I shrugged. "Don't pretend that you like him, Harry. It's obvious as fuck. He seems so fake. Ugh."

"He's flirting with Louis," I mumbled, frustrated, as I sat down next to him.

"I know. Zayn has noticed it too. But hey...Louis loves you, so there's no need to worry," he said, pulling me into a one-armed hug.

"I know....it's just...look at Max and then look at me...which one would you choose?" I asked, pulling out of his hug.

"Harry, stop that," Liam said, glaring at me. "You look fucking gorgeous. 100 times better than Max, in my opinion."

"You say that because you're my best friend...you're obligated..." I exclaimed, looking down on the floor, but Liam put a finger under my chin and made me look up at him.

"I'm not saying that because you're my best friend. I'm saying it because it's true," he countered, looking at me with slight concern. "Don't say that ever again, please. Don't put yourself down like that." At that moment, Zayn entered the kitchen, closing the door behind him and looking around.

"Um sorry, did I interrupt anything?" he asked awkwardly and I just shook my head.

"No, not at all. I'm just trying to convince Harry that he's hot," Liam shrugged, and I blushed again. _Stop embarrassing me, Liam!!!_ I screamed in my head.

"Why?" Zayn looked at us questioningly. _Good question._ Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Liam mouthing the word _MAX_ , and I gave him a shove, too late to shush him.

"Seriously?" Zayn exclaimed, eyeing me, before kneeling down beside me and resting his hand on my thigh comfortingly. "Okay, listen Haz. Trust me when I say that you're damn good looking. You don't have to be insecure about yourself. Yeah, Max might be hot, but you're hot too. I'm Lou's best friend - I know everything about him. And over last couple of weeks he hasn't stopped talking about you. This boy is so far gone for you, you don't even know. And damn, you're rocking that outfit tonight. Max looks like the Walmart version of you. So come on, Harry. Stop worrying and let's have some fun, okay?" Zayn gave me a smile, patting my thigh before pulling me onto my feet. I smiled at him shyly, whispering a quick _thank you_ before pulling a surprised Zayn into a hug.

"Okay, let's have some fun," Liam cheered, beaming at the sight of me and Zayn hugging. Not that Zayn and I had ever hated each other, but we weren't super close, and for me to be accepting his boyfriend like this was probably big for him.

When we got back to the living room, I immediately spotted Max, who was sitting dangerously close to Louis yet again. Zayn touched my lower back in a gentle nudge, whispering "Mark your territory," and winking at me encouragingly. Liam sat down in the armchair, waving Zayn over to sit on his lap. David and Nick were cuddled up on another armchair, looking incredibly cute. I walked over to sit down on the couch with Louis and Max. It was a tight fit but I squeezed myself between them, forcing a disgruntled Max to scoot over to make room for me. Louis smiled happily and wound his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him.

"You know that I'd eat you out right here and right now if we didn't have friends over. And after that, I'd bend you over the table," he whispered, brushing his lips over my earlobe as he spoke. Heat rushed through my body, straight down to my lower half, but I managed to control myself. No need to pop a boner right in front of the whole room, though then maybe Max would stay further away from me.

"Can you stop whispering over there. It's not very polite to do that when you have guests over," Liam called mockingly, trying to get our attention.

"Oh. Yeah, sorry. My fault - I just told Haz I'd eat him out right now if we were alone. But unfortunately, we're not. No offense," Louis announced, an evil smirk on his face. My eyes went wide and I almost choked on air. I couldn't believe he'd just said that out loud. I turned to face him, but Louis just winked at me.

"Man, that's gross. Stop that. I mean, I love you and I love Harry, but hell no. Don't tell me about your sex-life. You're still my brother and I do NOT need to know those things..." Liam squeaked, hiding his face in his hands.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Max, who was watching us with a tense expression on his face. I felt a bit better about Louis admitting it out loud now.

"Said those jeans would work," Nick said in a stage whisper, giving David a high five and sticking out his tongue at me. I just chuckled shaking my head. After some more bantering between Liam and Louis, our conversation became more random. Max had been surprisingly quiet most of this conversation, but I could still feel his eyes on me.

"Nice flat, by the way," David said randomly after a while. "Which one of you plays the piano?"

"Louis does. He's quite good at it," Liam responded, a grin on his face as he peered around Zayn to speak to David directly. I could tell that he liked David already. Liam was someone who was straight forward when he couldn't stand someone., which was clear in the way he had mocked Max several times already this evening.

"Quite good? He's incredible!" Max spoke up at once, coming to Louis' defense. Not that he needed to, but he did it anyway. If he wasn't looking at my boyfriend like he was about to jump on his lap, I'd have forgotten he was even there.

"Can you play something? Please! I'd love to hear it!" David added excited. Louis hesitated for a second before nodding, but then he added onto it, looking down at me and brushing a stray curl out of my eyes, "But only if Harry sings." _Hell no_. There was no way I was singing in front of all of them. I shook my head fanatically.

"No...no way...I can't..." I said, trying not to stutter, but doing that stuff in front of people...I was terrified.

"Come on, Harry! You have to! Your voice is mind-blowing," Liam added, receiving agreeing cheers from Louis and Nick, the only ones who had ever heard me sing.

"Come on, love. It feels like ages since the last time we did that," Louis begged, bouncing up and down on the couch in excitement. Max scoffed silently right next to me, and it sounded clearly in my head, though no one else had heard it. _Mark your territory._ Zayn's words were ghosting through my mind. I hesitated for a second, but then I had a sudden idea.

"Okay. Fine," I said in a hard voice, trying to convince myself it would be alright, before standing up and walking over to the piano with Louis.

"What do you wanna sing?" Louis asked, brushing his thumb over my cheek gently. I leaned into his touch immediately, loving the intimacy.

"Um...I actually..." I stuttered, not sure if it was a good idea anymore. I made sure only Louis could hear what I was saying. "There are a few songs with notes in the journal I gave you. Um...do you think you could play one of them? I know it's kind of spontaneous, but I, umm...Just wrote one of it with the help of a friend. It's called _Thinking Out Loud._ "

Louis touched my arm soothingly, looking at me with a bit of shock on his face.

"You wrote it?" Louis gaped at me, surprised, and I could swear his eyes were teary. "Of course I can play it! To be honest, it was one of the first things I did after you gave it to me on Christmas. I played it so many times, I remember every single bit of it by heart. It's such a wonderful song, Harry."

I looked at him in awe. He'd played it? And he loved it that much? I didn't know what else to do, so I grabbed his face and kissed him. His lips moved a bit against mine, indicating that he would love to take this a lot farther, but someone cleared their throat and we broke apart, both of us blushing now.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your foreplay, but I thought we were going to hear Harold sing and you play," Nick said with a chuckle.

I blushed as Louis took a seat on the piano bench and narrowed my eyes at Nick. He just grinned cheekily.

"Ready?" he asked, waiting for my okay. I simply nodded and Louis let his hands wander over the keys of the piano. A familiar, soothing melody was filling the room immediately, and only a few moments later, after I took a deep breath, I started singing, closing my eyes as the words washed over my mind.

_When your legs don't work like they used to before_

_And I can't sweep you off of your feet_

_Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?_

_Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?_

_And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70_

_And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23_

_And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways_

_Maybe just the touch of a hand_

_Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day_

_And I just wanna tell you I am_

I could feel my heart beating in my chest heavily. At this point, I didn't care about the others, I only cared about Louis and what he was thinking about the song. I opened my eyes to look at Louis, who was playing the piano, biting his lip as he tried to hold back tears. Our gazes immediately locked and we were in our own small love bubble again. Just me and him.

_So, honey, now_

_Take me into your loving arms_

_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars_

Pictures of our first time outside on the roof-garden kept flashing my mind and I could almost feel Louis' touch.

_Place your head on my beating heart_

_I'm thinking out loud_

_Maybe we found love right where we are_

Louis ended the song, a few tears on his cheeks that he hadn't been able to hold back. I could feel the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as well, and I swallowed hard, trying to control them. The love I just felt was so overwhelming. It had always been Louis and I was sure I'd never be capable of loving anyone like I loved him. The cheering behind us popped our way too well-known love bubble. Louis just grabbed my hand then, pressing a deep kiss to my lips, and lead me back to the couch.

"Guys, that was phenomenal! Harry, I didn't know you can sing _that_ well," Zayn exclaimed, awestruck. I blushed and Louis pressed a kiss into my curls, hugging me sideways. I looked over to Nick and David who both looked a bit emotional as well.

"Absolutely stunning!" Nick added finally and David nodded in agreement. There were a few moments of silence before he spoke up again.

"What do you think, _Max_?" Nick knew that Max would look like a idiot if he had anything to say other than praise, since everyone was impressed.

"Told you Louis could play the piano! Never heard that song before, but yeah it's a beautiful song," Max countered, definitely avoiding complimenting me. But _ha! Mark your territory_. I sat up straight before facing him, an evil smirk on my face.

"You like that song? Great! I wrote it for Louis after we got back together a few weeks ago," I explained happily. Max's jaw dropped and so did the other's, but I could see that Max was shocked the most.

"You wrote that song?" Nick whispered, looking at me in awe.

"Yeah...but to be fair, Ed helped me a lot. He did most of the arranging, while I concentrated on the lyrics," I told them as I blushed.

"Most beautiful song on earth," Louis said looking at me softly. "Most beautiful song by the most beautiful boy." I could hear a few _awwws_ from across, but couldn't keep my eyes off Louis.

"I have to use the bathroom, excuse me," Max exclaimed all of a sudden, standing up quickly and rushing out of the room. Nick rolled his eyes, and Zayn nodded at me, winking.

"Well, I'll grab some beer in the meantime. Anyone else want anything?" Louis asked, waiting for us to respond, and when we all shook our heads, he headed into the kitchen. Nick, Liam, and the others immediately started praising me and the song again. They told me how amazing it was and asked if I had written more songs. I answered them normally, but after a few minutes when Louis still hadn't returned, I figured I'd check on him. I excused myself and walked over to the kitchen. I reached the open door and froze in the doorway, not believing what I was seeing.

Louis was leaning against the counter, Max resting against him closely, and their lips were pressed against each other. Max right hand was placed on Louis' chest, gripping his shirt tightly. My heart clenched painfully at the sight before me. I choked, struggling for air. I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening - not after all the times Louis had assured me how much he loved me. But I couldn't just ignore what I was seeing. Fuck...I had fallen for him again, fallen for his lies...I was suck a fucking idiot. I believed that he cared for me. We even had sex. Fuck, I had been right the entire time. I felt hot tears welling up my eyes, and there was no way I was going to be able to control them this time. Louis' eyes shot open and he saw me. He pushed Max away immediately, but I had already turned on my heels, rushing through the living room and heading for the front door. I had to get out of here...I had to get away from Louis.

"Harry, wait!" he shouted, making the others look up as he came rushing through the room, coming after me. "Harry...fuck, this is a misunderstanding. Harry, please stop." Louis grabbed my arm, forcing me to stop walking.

"Don't touch me," I glared at him, speaking with a shaky voice.

"Haz-" he tried again, still not releasing me, but I cut him short, trying to tug my arm out of his grip.

"You promised, Lou. You promised that you loved me. That you cared for me!"

"Let me explain," Louis begged, tears welling in his eyes, but even that wasn't enough to stop me and make me reconsider. I couldn't do this, not again.

"I'm so sick and tired of your explanations, Louis. I can't believe I was that stupid enough to believe you. You haven't changed at all...you're still that annoying prick that fucks around with everyone and pretends to love me just to get a fuck...well congrats, you got one. Hope you're happy now..." I snorted, tearing off the bracelet that I got for Christmas and throwing it on the ground at Louis' feet.

"You can have that back. I won't need it anymore..." I choked, my throat closing up as tears filled my eyes. "Don't call me ever again, don't contact me, nothing. I'm so done with you." Louis just stared at me, his arms now hanging limply at his sides. He seemed lost for words.

"Don't be so dramatic, it was just a kiss!" Max spoke up, stepping next to Louis, and the pain I felt flared with anger. How dare he speak to me like that...like he knew me. I stepped forward until I was right in front of him, my fists balled at my sides in an effort to not hit him.

"Fuck you. You're even more pathetic than Louis." I said, and without another word, without looking around the room at the others, I ran. I ran straight down five flights of stairs and into the cold, hardly realizing that I didn't have a jacket on.

I could hear the other boys shouting my name, but I had to leave. I couldn't stay here. Not after all that had happened. I didn't know where to go so I simply kept running, choking for air in the cold. The pain building in my chest was all too familiar, the exact same as it had been the first time. I couldn't handle it...it was crushing me from the inside out.

Somehow I managed to end up in front of my flat, but I couldn't go in even if I wanted to, so I just kept going. I ended up at a playground about a block away from my flat. It was the middle of the night so nobody was around, which was good, because I doubt I was a good sight for children right now. I finally stopped, gasping for air, against the wooden playhouse, sliding down it as my legs gave out. I could feel the old wood scratching through my shirt and into my back, probably scratching me up pretty badly, but I didn't care. My chest felt like it was being cut open, and I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"No, No, No..." I whimpered, slamming the back of my head against the wooden house behind me. I had been wrong...this pain was worse than last time. It was ripping me apart, tearing every shred of happiness and confidence I had gained right out of me and throwing it away. It was too much. I didn't know how to handle it, and it hurt too much.

I don't know how long I was sitting there, but the pain just continued to get worse. I was clutching onto my forearms in an effort to calm myself, but all I managed to do was scratch into the skin there with my fingernails, the pain too much to bear. I don't know why, but I cried out for Louis. He had hurt me, he was the reason for this pain, and yet through all that, he was the only one that had ever made me feel completely and utterly safe. I just couldn't comprehend. All those times that I had worried that Louis was just messing with my head and my friends, hell, even his own brother, had told me that it was okay and that he cared...and I had been right all along. All the concerns I had were reasoned. I felt like I was going to throw up. I pulled my knees up and buried my face in them, feeling a bit dizzy from crying so much.

I felt a warm hand on my back, and I winced a bit because of the cuts. I snapped my head up, scared of who was touching me, but it was just David. He sat down next to me, pulling me into his chest, and I started sobbing again, clutching onto the front of his shirt, just trying to find something stable to ground me, to keep me here. Right now I didn't care that we'd just met today, I simply needed someone to hold me. David was whispering soothing words into my ear as he rubbed my shoulder comfortingly trying to avoid my back for fear that he'd hurt me as he texted one handed, more than likely texting Nick saying that he found me.

"I'll take you home, Harry. Okay?" David asked, looking into my face and stroking my cheek gently, gathering a few tears. I just nodded, too weak to give him a proper answer, and he stood and gathered me up in his arms, carrying me back to the flat.


	23. Chapter 23 - Take That Back

_26 missed calls. 72 unread messages_.

I didn't even have to check to know who those were from. It had only been 16 hours since my world had completely crashed down, but it already felt like an eternity. An eternity of pain that felt like it would never go away again.

After David had carried me home, I stopped crying. It wasn't like I couldn't cry or like it didn't hurt. The truth was it hurt so much that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to stop crying if I allowed myself to break down again, and I didn't want that. It took an enormous effort to swallow down all the tears, but I simply didn't want to cry over Louis again. I had cried way too many times because of him in the past. I just wanted to lay in my bed and do nothing. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to eat or drink- I just wanted to lay there. I didn't even want to think about anything, but of course, I failed miserably at this. Louis ghosted over my mind over and over again. Every time he came across my mind, I tried to think of a valid reason as to why I deserved this, but there wasn't one. Why did this shit always happen to me? I thought he meant every word he said. I thought he loved me as much as he assured me all the time. But I was wrong...again. I felt so stupid.  So fucking stupid. 

I heard a hammering sound from the front door of our flat. Nick had left a while ago to do some grocery shopping and I figured that he had forgotten his door key once again. Wouldn't be the first time. At first, I didn't even bother standing up, but when the knocking didn't stop, I figured that I should let him in. I stood up and stumbled a bit, realizing vaguely that I was still wearing the clothes from yesterday. My shirt had a few holes in it from sliding down the wooden playhouse, and I could feel that I scratched the skin below pretty bad because it burned like hell every time I moved. I walked out of my room and over to the front door slowly. It was like I wasn't functioning right. Every move I made felt forced, like there was something causing resistance. I only concentrated on making one step after another, trying to bottle up my emotions. _Do not cry. Do not cry._ I grabbed the doorknob and opened the door just a bit, not bothering to open it fully, because Nick would always just push the door open, even if his hands were full.

"Harry!" a voice exclaimed, and to my surprise it wasn't Nick's, but it was definitely one I recognized. I froze on the spot, my hand tightening on the door handle. Fuck. I couldn't handle him. Not now. In a panic I peered around the door, a huge lump in my throat as I tried my absolute hardest to stay calm. Louis was standing in the door, looking terribly worried. He had dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn't slept in ages, and his eyes looked puffy...definitely a sign that he had been crying.  

"Har-" he started again, but I put a hand up, and he stopped immediately.

"Don't," I begged, barely audible. I was afraid if I talked any louder that I would completely lose it. "I can't."

"Harry, listen, please. You can't do this," he almost whispered. My eyes went wide. What did he expect? That I would act like nothing had happened? That he didn't fool me?

"Baby, let me explain-" Louis added, but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear another of his stupid lies. How dare he even think of telling me what to do. He was not the victim. He was the one who hurt me, over and over again. I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Get the fuck out of my flat. NOW!" I growled, and Louis flinched back, looking scared. I was pretty sure he had never seen me like this. I was about to lose it completely. He stepped a bit forward, reaching out for me, but I backed away quickly. 

"Louis! GET THE FUCK OUT!" I snapped, still glaring at him. On the outside I might have looked tough, but on the inside I was on the verge of dying. I didn't know how much longer I could hold my tears back at this point. Seeing him standing right in front of me with that look on his face made everything that much worse. I didn't care if he was honestly sorry or if he just wanted to tell me another of his fake excuses. I only needed him out of my sight - now. 

"Love, please give me a -" he started, but I finally cut him off again.

"A chance? Louis, you want a fucking chance? You've had plenty of those, and _every time_ you fucked up!" I  almost shouted, and I could hear the audible shake in my voice. I couldn't hold it back much longer. "Get the fuck out, Louis. You always end up hurting me. I can't and I won't do this anymore. I deserve someone better. I can't believe that I fell for you and your stupid games all over again."

Louis looked at me with a blank expression. There was completely silence for a few moments. We were staring at each other, not saying a word. I could already feel some tears in the corner of my eyes, and I swallowed painfully hard, trying in vain to hold them back. All of a sudden, Louis stepped forward and pulled me into a hug before I could back away. I started panicking, feeling the tightness of his arms around my torso. The scratches on my back burned and I could feel my panic rising as I tried and failed to get out of his grip. 

"Louis, let me go!" I screamed, feeling the first tears rolling down my cheeks. I was terrified, not because I was afraid he would hurt me physically, but emotionally. My sobs grew louder as I started hammering my fists against his torso, desperate for him to let me go. Most of me was screaming to get away from him, but at the same time, I needed him, and the conflicting feelings were tearing me apart. I finally managed to get him off of me and I took several steps back. I couldn't be near him. Couldn't look at him. Couldn't even think about him. The look on his face was one of extreme concern, but I didn't care. It wasn't like it was genuine anyway. 

"Louis...get the hell out. Now. I never want to see you again." My voice sounded hard, but inside I just wanted to crumble. I couldn't do this...couldn't handle the pain. There were a few moments of silence.

"Harry...take that back...please take it back..." Louis begged, but I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak anymore. Louis bit his lip, looking down at the ground.

"Okay...if that's what you want..." Louis stuttered, looking broken, and he turned to leave. As soon as he was out of sight, I collapsed onto the floor, unable to hold myself up anymore. I didn't even bother closing the door. I just lay there, curling in on myself, and sobbed. I didn't know how long I was laying there, but to me it felt like hours. I choked on my sobs every now and then, but after I got my breath back, I would cry even harder. It hurt so much. Distantly, I heard some gasps, and then someone was kneeling down next to me, rubbing my back gently and trying to avoid the scratches.

"Shhhh, love, it's alright," I heard Nick saying before he pulled me into his lap carefully, stroking my hair. I heard the door close and I knew that I was still in the hallway...and I probably hadn't been there more than a few minutes. I tried to relax, but Nick's close contact was too much. My breaths came faster and shorter, and I just couldn't handle being this close to anyone right now. I scrambled in a panic to get out of his lap.

"Harry, calm down," David's voice reached my ears as he stepped up behind Nick. _Breathe Harry. BREATHE._ It felt like someone was shoving a glowing rod down my throat. I stumbled as I tried to stand up. My knees were shaking, but I had to get away from them. I started sprinting for my room, closing and locking the door behind me. I gasped for breath, trying to get ahold of myself, but I just couldn't.  I caught the faint smell of Louis and realized that it was lingering on my shirt. I tore it off and threw it in the trash next to my desk.  I stumbled for the bed, but the my own reflection in the mirror stopped me. A familiar gross feeling started building up in my stomach. Against my own will, I stepped closer as I examined myself in the mirror. My hands wandered down my stomach and to my hips, where I pinched some fat. _Chubby hips - no...fat hips. Disgustingly fat_. Tears burned in my eyes as my hands kneaded the fat on my stomach. How could someone want to see _this_? How could I have ever thought that Louis wanted _this_? My gaze wandered up until I looked straight in my own eyes. There were dark circles below them, darker than I had ever seen, and my curls were hanging disheveled over my tired eyes. A disgusted hate started to build up more and more as I continued looking at myself. How could it have come that far? I felt the nails of my right hand tugging into the skin of my forearm. As I looked down, I could see that scratched myself open, but I couldn't stop. _You're such a failure. Don't even think about crying even more now. You deserve all of it._  I shook my head trying to get rid of the voice.  _No No No_. _Go away. Go away_. I started hitting my hand against my head, desperate for the voice to shut up. _You're a failure. A disgustingly fat failure._

"SHUT UP!" I screamed as I slammed my fist into the reflection in the mirror, which flew into shards immediately, scattering around me. "SHUT UP!" I sank to the floor, not even caring that I was sitting in a pile of broken glass, the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Harry! Are you alright? Open the door!" Nick shouted from the other side of the door, banging against the wooden planks over and over again. I didn't make any move to let him in, but instead watched as blood trickled down my hand and onto my wrist, and then slowly dripped onto the carpet.

"HARRY! Open the door! Please," David exclaimed in a worried tone, but still I didn't respond. I knew the bleeding was bad and that I should do something, but I couldn't move. The pain had completely taken over my body and there was nothing I could do.  After a few moments of silence, I heard someone fiddling at the lock of my door. _Click_. The door swung open and I could hear Nick and David entering the room.

"Oh my god, Harry..." David and Nick gasped at the same time. 

"Nick, go! Grab me a towel and a first aid kit!" David commanded, and Nick ran off. David came and sat down next to me, carefully avoiding the glass that I wasn't already sitting on. He knelt down and turned my head to face him, so I was looking into his warm brown eyes.

"It's okay, Harry. You're alright. Just...stop crying, we are going to help you, no worries," he said in a soothing tone, but I couldn't respond to him. It was like I had gone mute or something...I just couldn't speak. Moments later, Nick was back and he placed the towel on David's lap, who took hold of my arm carefully. I winced at the pain and looked at him, terrified. It was finally hitting me how much I had really hurt myself, and I was scared. 

"You can trust me, Harry. I'm studying to become a doctor. I know the basics," he assured me. "I have to take the glass splinters out first. This might hurt a bit, but we can't leave them in there, okay?"

I just barely nodded, knowing that he wouldn't do anything unless he knew it was okay, and those glass shards were really starting to hurt. I stiffened as David took a pair of tweezers and carefully began to remove every single splinter in my hand. After what seemed like an eternity, he disinfected the cuts and wrapped my hand up carefully. 

"There we go..." he said with a sympathetic expression. 

"What about his back, love?" Nick asked, worried. I started shaking as I realized that I was still half-naked. I grabbed the towel off David's lap and placed it in front of my torso, my breaths picking up once again. They couldn't see me like this...

"Hey....hey, Harry," Nick said softly, coming closer and rubbing small circles on my back, avoiding the areas that were cut. David was silent for a few moments as he took a look.

"They don't look that deep. He should be fine," he assured Nick, who sighed with relief. David turned back to me.

"Harry...Harry, look at me...what about a bath, hm?" he suggested. I nodded in silent agreement. Maybe a bath would help. I took David's hand as he helped me to my feet, still clutching the towel around my middle. Nick looked a bit helpless, but David smiled and blew him a kiss. "You could make him some soup, love. He hasn't eaten in a while, he needs something. And we both know you make the best food."

Nick grinned at that and nodded before walking out of the room. David put a gentle arm around my waist and helped me walk to the bathroom, letting me sit down on the toilet seat as he filled the bath with water. He then searched the cabinets, smiling when he found what he was looking for, and a moment later, the water was covered with a thick layer of bath foam. 

"How...how did you know that I..." I stuttered, very surprised that he had even thought about bubbles, but David just smiled knowingly.

"I've had an interesting life myself, Harry. Not much different from yours as far as experiences go. I know a few things," was all he replied as he turned the water off. Steam wafted from the surface and I could smell the comfortable scent of the bubbles. "I can leave if you'd like to change and get in, and I'll go help Nick with the food."

"No...no, please, umm...stay with me? I don't want to be alone right now..." I said quickly, feeling embarrassed. David had a surprised smile on his face, but he still turned around respectfully as I stood up to change. I peeled off my jeans, trying not to noticed how much my hips were protruding over them when they were buttoned, and once I was naked, I hurried to sink under the water. The heat seeped into my skin and soothed the physical ache all over my body. My back burned a bit and I winced, but David had by then turned around, and he pulled up a chair from my room and sat down across from the bath so we could look at each other as we spoke. 

"When you said you've had an interesting life...what does that mean?" I asked. I knew I was being very forward and we hadn't known each other for long, but it intrigued me. David gave me a small smile.

"To keep it simple, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. To feel that loss. To hurt. I know what it feels like to hate myself. It's obvious to me that you've experienced a lot of the same, and I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk about anything, you can come to me. I'm an open book, and if you have questions, you are always free to ask."

I just gaped at him for a few seconds. Never before had I met someone like David. He was so honest and open and kind, just like Nick was. And by a stroke of luck, Nick, someone who definitely deserved a good relationship, was dating David. I had more questions, a lot of them, but I didn't feel brave enough to ask them. I just lay back a bit further, a small whimper escaping my lips as my back brushed against the edge of the tub. David was watching my sympathetically, and there was this look on his face, like he knew exactly what was going through my mind.

"Is there anything you wanted to ask me...?" I asked slowly, and David looked at me carefully, as if choosing his options with caution.

"You know, I think that when you are ready to talk about anything, you'll do it without any prompting from me, and I want to allow you that right. You can talk whenever you feel comfortable, and I'll be here to listen. Nick too. I know that Nick doesn't know a lot about these types of situations. He's told me a bit about what he's been through in his past both with other guys, and with you, and he's a wonderful person. That's...that's why I love him so much."

"You love Nick?" I asked, completely thrown. Not that Nick wasn't a fantastic person that deserved love, but they had only been dating for a little under a month. David actually blushed and smiled like an idiot.

"Yeah...yeah, I do. He's so sweet...so good to me, and just the way he treats others, the way he takes care of you, I can tell that he has a big heart and accepts people despite their flaws, and I think that's what I've needed for a while now."

I could feel the pain in my chest growing slightly as I listened to David talk about Nick. All of the things he was saying...that's what I had thought about Louis. Always. That despite his past actions, he was a truly good person who saw the good in me. But that had all been lies. All of it. 

"Harry..." David's voice came through and I realized he was addressing me, that I had drifted off. I jumped a bit and looked back at him guiltily, but he just walked over and knelt down next to me. "It's okay to be sad...it's okay to cry. You don't need to hold anything back here. Nick and I are here for you."

"I...I don't want to fucking cry over him again!" I managed, trying to speak past the lump in my throat. "Too many times...hurt too many times..." I trailed off, a few tears dripping onto my cheeks. David reached over with his sleeve and wiped them away gently.

"I know. It will be alright. How about we wash your hair, yeah? And then some food?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I couldn't eat...I didn't think he would understand. Nick definitely never really grasped how hard it was for me to eat sometimes. So I just nodded and David brought me a cup, which I used to pour water all over my head. My sopping curls hung loose in my face, but I didn't really care as I washed them carefully, letting David talk my ear off about what he was doing at Uni. It was nice to hear him speak of his life in such a positive way, since he had basically admitted to having a hard time in the past. It gave me just a little bit of hope, that maybe, someday, things would be alright again. 

"Here...a clean towel. I'll go help Nick finish up, you just get dressed and meet us out in the kitchen, yeah?" David said, and I opted for the smallest of smiles. It was the best I could do, but he seemed satisfied, and he left, closing the door behind him. I stood up carefully, pulling the plug to let the water drain, and wrapping the towel tightly around myself as I walked back to my room.

The glass was still shattered on the floor, some of it covered in my blood, but I did my best to ignore it as I walked to my closet, pulling out a clean pair of boxers, some joggers, and a soft shirt that hopefully wouldn't irritate my back. I pulled it all on and toweled my hair dry, tucking the long curls behind my ears before walking slowly to the kitchen.

Nick and David were in the kitchen, David's arms wrapped around Nick's waist as he kissed his neck gently, placing his head on Nick's shoulder as he cooked away. My mind flashed painfully to me doing the dishes and Louis coming as a surprise and I almost ran away, not able to watch them. But Nick noticed me and grinned, handing the spoon over to David as he came to me. 

"Hey...made your favorite soup. You hungry?" He asked, smiling encouragingly. I shook my head, but I walked with him anyway, knowing that I had to eat something or he wouldn't let me go. I sat down and David brought me a small bowl with a spoon. It was a lot less than Nick usually made me eat...but it seemed like just the perfect amount, something I could get down without having the need to throw up in the middle of eating it. I slipped the spoon into it, gathering some of the warm liquid on the spoon, and brought it to my mouth. My stomach churned but the soup was amazing, and I swallowed. David looked at Nick knowingly and Nick just smiled at him, his face going all soft as they looked at each other. I felt a stab in my chest as my thoughts once again drifted to Louis for a second, and I started eating the soup a bit faster. I didn't want to intrude on time they should be spending together and happy, and the sooner I was done with my food, the sooner Nick would let me go.

I finished the last bit, still leaving a small amount in the bowl, and stood up abruptly, causing their moment to break as they looked at me. "Thanks for the food..." I said a little too quickly, and I hurried out of the room, tears already in my eyes. I was so done with crying, but there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I closed the door to my room carefully, not bothering to lock it, and sank to the floor, holding myself to keep it all contained. I could see the glinting of the glass shards on the floor and I slowly crawled towards them, dragging the small trash can with me. Piece by tiny piece, I started to pick them up, and the more pieces I picked up, the more tears fell and hit the carpet with soft little plops. It was like I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart, as if metaphors couldn't get any sicker.

There was a knock on the door as I was just finishing up the last couple pieces and I sniffed, unable to form a response. Nick walked in and sat down next to me, helping me pick up the remaining pieces. He opened his arms carefully, and I curled up in them, now sobbing without any tears. I seemed to have run out of them, but my body kept jerking as my breaths hitched. Nick whispered comforting words into my ear, running his fingers through my hair gently until eventually, exhaustion overtook me, and I fell asleep in his arms.


	24. Chapter 24 - Comfort

I was awoken a few days later by my phone ringing. I almost didn't pick up, but I decided to check the caller ID at the last second, in case it was something important. Good thing I checked, because it was work. I picked up and tried to make my voice sound natural and pleasant, which was not exactly the easiest thing in the world to do, but I managed pretty well.

"Hello!" I said with fake cheerfulness, and a clipped voice echoed in my ear, one I was not used to.

"Harry, we need to talk. You have not been coming in to work for the past couple weeks, and as wonderful as you are, we cannot have someone who is that unreliable working for us."

My throat tightened as I realized the truth of this statement. With everything that had happened recently, I had completely forgotten about my job. I fumbled for words before finally getting some out. "I...I'm so sorry. I've been very unwell, I should have called. I can come in and work the double today if you need any he-" It wasn't like I actually wanted to go to work...it was enough effort for me to get out of bed every day, but maybe it would be good for me, and it would certainly make up for what a terrible employee I had been over the past month or so.

"I'm sorry, Harry. But we are going to have to terminate your position here. I wish you best of luck in all future endeavors. Have a nice day."

The line went dead on the other end and I just sat there, the phone in my hand. I thought I'd feel sad, because I had loved that job, or that I'd feel angry, because I hadn't had a chance to explain. But I felt nothing. In fact, I felt quite dead and unemotional inside. 

Nick knocked on the door and I slowly turned my head as he poked his head around the door. "Who was that?" He asked, edging into the room as I nodded for him to come in. I bit my lip, now suddenly feeling emotions hitting me everywhere. But no. I couldn't do this, not again. I took a deep breath in and said, in a monotone and cracked voice that had become my usual,

"Bakery. They fired me."

Nick sat down next to me, putting a hand gently on my arm and rubbing up and down. "I'm sorry, H. I really am. You want some breakfast?" I knew he was only trying to make me feel better, but it was very rare that I felt anything other than pain or emptiness these days. I shook my head, and he bit the inside of his cheek, not wanting to say anything. "Alright...well, maybe today we can go out. You and me. Maybe find you a new job? There's a nice small bakery down the street that was hiring the last time I was in..." He phrased the request like a question, and my whole being was telling me to say no. I didn't want to go out, didn't want people to see me, didn't want to be asked questions. But, to my utter surprise, I nodded and stood up, walking to my closet. Most of my clothes were dirty and laying around my room. I had not bothered to clean up or do my laundry, because I just couldn't make myself do it.

"Hold on, Harry. Let me get you something clean to wear." Nick hurried from the room and I just sat back down on my bed, running a hand through my tangled curls and making them even more messy than they were. Nick came back moments later with a pair of skinny jeans and a clean white t-shirt, and also a pair of boxers. He set them in my arms and ran his fingers through my greasy curls.

"Let's get you in the shower, yeah? Get you all cleaned up and then we can eat something and go out and look for that job. Sound good?"

Again, I merely nodded, not saying anything, picked up the clothes, and headed into the bathroom. I stood in the shower for a long time, letting the hot water run all over my body for at least 20 minutes before attempting to wash my hair. When I stepped out, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and looked away quickly, but not before I saw that my hair was almost touching my shoulders, the damp loose curls just barely touching my skin.

After pulling on the new clothes and brushing my teeth, I felt a little better. It felt good to be clean again. I walked out to the kitchen where Nick was waiting by the door, my coat and a banana in his hand. I hesitated before pulling on my coat and I tucked the banana in my pocket. Nick gave me a concerned look, but he didn't say anything. He just lead me out to his car in silence.

We drove for about ten minutes before we hit the city traffic, and even though Nick had said the bakery was just on the outskirts of the city, it was still taking forever. Finally, Nick pulled into a parking spot on the side of the road, put some money into the parking meter, and opened my door for me. I climbed out, making sure my beanie was tucked securely around my ears. There were people walking this way and that, not as many as in the city, but a fair amount, and I wanted to disappear. Nick, however, slung a careful arm around my shoulders and walked with me, talking about regular things, like the weather and how excited he was for his new class this semester at Uni, and I just listened, commenting here and there. It almost felt normal, and I had truly missed just spending time with him, just Harry and Nick. I hadn't had that since...well, a long time ago.

We approached a turn in the road, and Nick walked towards the door of an adorable small bakery, the sign looking a bit weathered but friendly. The smell coming from inside was enough to make my stomach growl with hunger, but there was no way in hell I was going to eat anything from there...too much fat, too much sugar, too much everything that was bad for you. I reluctantly followed Nick into the tiny shop, and the bell tinkled merrily. A few seconds passed as we looked around the small shop, and I had to admit that I loved it. It was just the right size and the decor was of comfortable and inviting colors, something that always made me happy. I may have been in Uni for clothing design, but I had always had a keen eye for the right colors and patterns in anything, including interior design.

A short, plump, friendly looking woman came around the corner, her smile crinkling her eyes. "Hello, boys. What can I get for you today?"

I felt suddenly self-conscious, realizing that there were other people in the shop, but none of them were paying us any mind. Nick nudged me and I cleared my throat.

"Umm...I was just wondering if you were still hiring? I...umm, need a job and I love to bake..." I tried, attempting to sound excited and friendly. Nick looked sadly at me, but the woman seemed not to notice the exhaustion and sadness in my voice. On the contrary, she beamed even wider.

"Of course we are, dear! Do you have any experience in baking?"

I nodded, giving her a small smile, and she came around the counter, practically bouncing. "I would be happy to offer you a place here. What is your name, love?"

"M'Harry. Harry Styles." I mumbled, and she just smiled, holding out her hand for me to shake. 

"I'm Barbara! I own this little shop, and I'm afraid for the past few weeks it's been just me and my sister keeping the place going. We could really use the help. When can you start?"

I looked over at Nick, who was smiling encouragingly, and then swallowed, bringing my attention back to Barbara. "Umm...whenever you need me to start, I guess."

"We can talk details in my office tomorrow afternoon, if you're up for that. And then we can get you started at the end of the week. How does that sound?"

I nodded again, smiling a bit more. Her enthusiasm and kindness was almost too much, but I really loved it. It was what I needed right now. Barbara scribbled some stuff down on a piece of paper and handed it to me, smiling.

"Here's my number and the number of the bakery, if you need to contact us at any time. It's a pleasure to welcome you to our team here, Harry. I have  feeling you'll be a great worker. See you tomorrow, sweetie!"

She hurried off to the register to take care of actual paying customers and I walked quickly back to Nick, who clapped me on the shoulder happily. "Knew you'd get it. It's those curls, I swear. Miracle workers."

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out quickly, reading the text. His eyes were soft, so I didn't even have to ask who it was from. 

"Harry...would it be alright if David came over for dinner?" Nick asked, holding the door open for me as we stepped back out onto the street. I winced as my bandaged hand hit the door, but otherwise didn't register the pain.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you want." I answered, and Nick's beaming smile was enough to make me feel a tiny bit of happiness. He texted back quickly and then looked around. 

"Say...why don't we just walk around a bit...if you're up for it? I've still got an hour or so on the meter."

I nodded and he wrapped an arm around me again, squeezing me lightly, and we headed off down the street into central London.

____________

The meeting with Barbara went well, and that Friday morning, I found myself up and showered and dressed before 8AM, something that hadn't happened for a while. Nick hummed as he re-wrapped my hand, something he had taken to doing every morning, probably as an excuse to spend time with me, since I hid in my room doing nothing a lot of the time. 

Nick and David had been spending a lot of time together lately, which was why I wasn't surprised to see David in the kitchen when I went out there. He was standing comfortably there in sweats and a t-shirt of Nick's, and when Nick followed me in, David went right to him and kissed him gently, a hand resting comfortably on his waist. My heart clenched painfully at the sight, and I looked away, feeling tears pricking in my eyes. I had managed to avoid crying for almost a week now, and I didn't want to start now. I should be happy for them, supporting Nick, because for the first time, he had found someone that he truly cared about and who cared for him just as much back. 

"Harry, I made some food if you want-" David began, but I just shook my head. I wasn't hungry. In fact, I felt a bit sick. I had never really been nervous working, because I spent a lot of my time away from the people, but with a bakery this small, they probably had usuals and I wasn't sure if they would like me too much. And I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong, because surely someone would notice how sunken my eyes were from lack of sleep or how my voice cracked more than the average teenage boy. 

"I've gotta go to work...my first day and all...don't want to be kicked out of here too..." I mumbled, pulling on my coat. The weather was just starting to get on the other side of absolutely freezing, but I still needed a coat. Nick came to me and gave me a hug, handing me an apple. 

"We'll come in on our lunch break, alright? And after you get off, maybe we can go out and get some stuff for school...Uni is starting next week, and I'm fresh out of pencils."

"Yeah...sure," I answered quietly, and Nick kissed my forehead gently. 

"Good luck today, Harry!" David called from the kitchen, and I turned away and headed out the door so I didn't have to see the look of adoration on Nick's face. 

____________

I took the bus and got to the bakery about ten minutes early. Barbara was waiting for me and opened the door for me, ushering me inside so that I didn't get wet from the rain that had started to fall.

"Alright, love. I'm gonna have you run the register today. Just want to get you acquainted with the customers and things, and then next week, since you're back at school, we can maybe have you come in super early to do the baking and prepping. Sound good?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Oh, please, Harry, call me Barbara. Let's not make me sound older than I already am with this ma'am stuff." She laughed heartily and a smile twitched at the corners of my mouth. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. 

Barbara went back to the door a few minutes later, unlocked it, and put up the open sign. I waited nervously behind the register, now being outfitted in an apron. My hair was just a tad too short to put up in a full bun, so I had to wear a hair net, which made me look absolutely ridiculous, but it wasn't too bad. 

After about ten minutes or so, the first person of the day came in, an elderly old man who, despite being all hunched over, was smiling happily.

"Hello, sir..." I said hesitantly, and instantly, Barbara was by my side.

"Good morning, Mr. Glass. How is your wife?" She asked, and Mr. Glass smiled even more. 

"She's doing just fine, Barbara, thank you. Gonna bring her a surprise this morning."

"Well tell her I said hello, and that she's welcome any time!" Barbara answered cheerfully. Mr. Glass looked at me and then at Barbara.

"Who's this young lad here?"

"This is our new employee, Harry Styles. Harry, this is Mr. Glass. He comes in most mornings with his wife." I nodded and held out my hand, realizing that I'd have to wash them, but I didn't care.

"Good to meet you, Harry. Thank you for helping Barbara out, she must be so grateful."

"Of course. Anything to help." I answered, surprised that my voice didn't sound as dead...it sounded a bit more life-like. "What can I get for you?"

Mr. Glass ordered his usual with an extra cinnamon bun for his wife, and then left with a cheery wave. Barbara hurried back to the kitchen and people came and went. I learned their names and spoke to them all and by lunch time, I was feeling almost relaxed. I had forgotten how much I loved working with baked goods and how much I loved getting to know my customers. This was a smaller shop than I was used to, but that made it all the more intimate and cheerful.

Around 12:30, the bell tinkled and Nick and David came in, holding hands. I smiled at them and they both looked at each other, surprised, before smiling back. 

"Hey, Harry. Work going well?" Nick asked, coming up to the counter and David let his hand go so that he could look at all of our pastries in the windows.

"Yeah, really well. I like it here a lot. It's smaller...better for me, I think," I said, and Nick beamed. David came up and whispered something in his ear and Nick turned beet red, and I decided that, as hilarious and inappropriate as it probably was, I didn't want to know. "So...what can I get for you guys?"

"We're still deciding...we might stay a bit and order some for later." David said thoughtfully, and Nick nodded in agreement. They took a seat at the table closest to the register and, since no one was coming in or out, I leaned against the counter and chatted with them casually. 

The bell went off again and as I turned to see who it was, my arm, which was gently resting on the counter, slipped sideways. My throat constricted and I was about two seconds from passing out. It was too soon...I wasn't ready...I wouldn't ever be ready.

Liam and Zayn had come into the shop, and while Zayn was holding Liam's hand, his other hand was clamped around Louis' wrist as he dragged him inside. I could feel a dull pain and looked down to see that my hand was shaking, my bruised and cut knuckles hitting the counter top. Nick looked about ready to commit murder but David put a hand on his shoulder, keeping him from standing. I walked over to the register, keeping my head down and not looking up. My whole body was shaking with fear and I could feel the tears building in my eyes. But there was no way I was going to give any of them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was. 

"Harry! I didn't know you worked here! What happened to the other bakery?" Liam asked cheerfully, coming closer and pulling Zayn with him, who still had a tight grip on Louis. I averted my eyes so I could only see my own fingers and I mumbled a response.

"Like it better here, I guess."

The strain in my voice was too obvious, but I couldn't help it. I thought about saying more, but I couldn't get the words out.

"He found that this job was a lot easier to get to and a lot less stressful on his life." Nick said, saving my ass as he stood up to face the three of them. I looked over at him and saw that his eyes narrowed slightly when his glance flickered over Louis. I swallowed hard and looked at Liam, who was eyeing me and Nick curiously, not really sure what to say. Zayn looked pained, and Louis...god, why was I looking at him, this was a bad idea, but now I couldn't take my eyes off him. His hair was a mess. His eyes looked normal but underneath, they were puffy. He looked up at that moment and our eyes met. I felt my face burning and I saw Louis opening his mouth, probably to say something, and I tore my eyes away. I heard him let out a breath and my heart clenched painfully, but I just couldn't bear to hear his voice right now.

"What can I get for you?" I asked, my voice tight as I kept my focus on the register, not looking up. As Liam started saying what he wanted, I shot a quick glance over at Nick and David, begging for any sort of help, because right now, I was about to have a major panic attack if Louis didn't get out of here.

"Louis, you want anything?" Zayn's question reached my ears and against my better judgement, my head shot up and my eyes locked onto Louis. He avoided my gaze and shook his head, and I busied myself with getting Liam and Zayn's pastries. Praying that they wouldn't notice how badly I was shaking, I handed them their bag and took their money, almost dropping it on the floor in my haste to give them their change.

"Hey, Liam, Zayn, you should come over sometime. We could all hang out...proper party and all." Nick suggested, and I noticed right away how he hadn't included Louis in that invite. 

"Sure, sounds great." Zayn answered, and then I heard the sound of the bell as they left the shop. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding and bit down hard on my lip to keep the tears in my eyes from falling onto my cheeks. Nick and David stood in unison, coming over to me, even though I was pretty sure they weren't allowed behind the counter.

"You alright, H?" Nick asked, but I didn't answer, still trying to get ahold of my feelings.

"We can take you home if you'd like..." David suggested, putting a hand on my arm sympathetically, but I shook my head furiously.

"No. I have a few more hours of work. I'm fine." I grumbled. Somehow, being angry made the pain a bit more bearable, even though I felt bad for yelling at the two people who truly cared about me. Nick opened his mouth to say something, but David took hold of his hand lightly, pulling him away.

"Alright, then. See you at home tonight?" David asked kindly, and I just nodded, not wanting to say anything more. They left right after that, and then Barbara came around the corner. She stopped, looking at me with concern, but I just shook my head, turning away as another customer came in. I put on my best happy face. Only a few more hours...

"Hi, how can I help you today?"

____________

After another few hours of working, I was finally allowed to go home. I didn't bother taking the bus even though, by now, it was pouring down rain. I just needed fresh air after all that had happened today. I walked slowly, not even registering taking steps, but just feeling nothing, my body functioning as it needed to. When I finally reached our flat, I was soaking wet and shivering. I fumbled for my keys and as I entered the warm flat, a whiff of pasta and spinach hit me. My stomach growled in reaction, but I simply ignored it. I wasn't in the mood to eat right now - not after this day, or after the past few weeks. I hung my coat on the coat rack as silently as possible, because I didn't want Nick to notice that I was home, but a moment later, I tripped over my own feet and stumbled. 

"Fuck..." I hissed as my knee hit the bench in the hallway.

"Harry?" Nick shouted from the kitchen. _Fuck_. "Harry, David and I are in the kitchen!"

I didn't bother responding, kicking off my shoes and peeling my soaking wet socks off so that I was barefoot. I could hear the faint dripping of my clothes and my hair as I stood in the hallway, and I knew Nick wouldn't be happy, but at this moment I didn't really care that much.

"Ha-" Nick said again, stepping into the hallway. He stopped as he spotted me soaked to the skin. "Did you miss the bus? You just could have called me!"

"It's fine, Nick...I can walk, you know..." I growled, annoyed. He rolled his eyes at my attitude, but I just took of my sweater, feeling the heat seeping through my sopping wet t-shirt underneath. I felt a warm hand on my back as Nick lead me into the kitchen. 

"You're just in time. Dinner is ready," Nick exclaimed, trying to sound excited, but it sounded fake to me. Somehow I had this feeling that this topic was getting more and more problematic. Every time food was brought up, you could literally feel the tension between us. I didn't even have time to protest as Nick forced me to sit down at the table, where David was just finishing setting up the dishes. He gave me a warm smile as he placed a napkin in front of me, but I didn't smile back.

"Nick..." I sighed, exhausted. I really didn't want to do this right now.

"No back talking, Harry. We're gonna eat together," he said, interrupting me before I could even start. But I couldn't eat...I really couldn't. Not now.

"I ate something at work already. I'm not hungry," I lied, looking him right in the eye. David gave me a look, because he knew that, even if I had eaten something, it most certainly wouldn't be something fatty and sugary from a bakery. But, to my surprise, he didn't say a word.

"Aha. And you think a muffin is enough after working for eight hours straight?" Nick huffed. 

"For fuck's sake, stop babying me, Nick. I'm old enough to make my own decisions," I shot back, annoyed. I didn't want to be annoyed, but it was just coming out that way. Instead of crying or being upset, it was all turning to anger. 

"Then stop acting like one! I'm only trying to help you. I can understand that you're sad and you feel like shit - I get that. But you have to lose that attitude. I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here to help you," he snapped. 

"I'm not starving myself!" I nearly shouted, glaring at him angrily. Nick and David exchanged a quick look before he spoke up again.

"I never said anything about starving yourself, but since you brought it up...you are. And the fact that you'd just assume that that's what I was thinking proves me right."

I felt trapped and caught. Deep down, I knew he was right. What I was doing wasn't healthy and it was most definitely going to affect me more than it already was if I didn't fix it, but I just...I couldn't stop. I couldn't just change...it wasn't that simple, and he didn't seem to get that.

"Fuck off," I grumbled and stood up. I shoved my chair into the table and stalked off towards my room, not wanting to talk to them anymore.  I could hear Nick sigh, but I didn't bother turning around. Once I was in my room, though, I felt horrible. I Had just seriously insulted one of the only people who actually cared what happened to me...I was such a fucking idiot.  I climbed into bed, pulling the blanket up to my chin, and let the silent tears stream down my cheeks, not having the energy to hold them back anymore. I clenched my eyes shut in hopes of stopping the tears before they got too bad, but that only made me revisit the afternoon, and the only thing I could see in my mind was Louis. Louis looked sad, and I couldn't help him. But he hurt me and I didn't want to help him...did I? After all he had done to me, did I really want to be kind to him in any way?

I threw the blanket off of me, the sobs wracking my body, and curled up in a tight ball, too hot for the blanket but also freezing at the same time. I clenched my legs tight to my chest, praying that the pain would go away, but it just got worse. My breaths were wheezing, but I tried to keep quiet, not needing David or Nick to find me in here like this. They were supposed to be spending quality time together without having to worry about me or my issues.

Eventually, the sobs stopped, but I didn't bother wiping the tears away. I just sat there, curled in a ball, not moving. My thoughts were swirling, and the one thing I didn't want to think about was the only thing I could figure out in the mess of my head: Louis.

It had to be me. Why else would Louis insist on hurting me? He had never done that to anyone else, not even his one night stands. He never even treated Liam as badly as he did me, and they lived together, grew up together. So it had to be me...something was wrong with me. I stood up abruptly, my head spinning a bit, and I gripped the bedpost to steady myself. I then looked down at myself, still clad in soaking wet jeans and a t-shirt. _You're just not good enough for him...for anyone...look how ugly you are..._ The voice in my head started up again, and I cringed, trying to shake it off. 

"I...I'm not..." I whispered to myself, trying to counter my own brain, but it was the wrong idea. 

_You are. You're so fat...no muscles, nothing to feel good about. Everything about you is wrong. You deserve this pain...you deserve every tiny ounce of pain that you're feeling and more...Louis was right to cheat on you...Max is so much better for him..._

"No...n-no, please...s-stop..." I whimpered, clamping my hands over my ears to block out the voice, but it was no use. If anything, the voice just got stronger.

_You deserve it. You need to feel more pain...feel all that pain you brought upon yourself by being an ugly piece of shit...feel all the pain that Louis rightfully caused you..._

I tore my hands away from my ears and grabbed my forearms, not noticing how my nails scratched at the skin, which was just healing from a few days ago. I hated him. I hated Louis for hurting me, even though I deserved it, and I hated myself for not being good enough for anyone. 

I felt a dull pain in my forearms and I looked down to see that I had scratched the skin open, and little lines of blood were trickling down my arms, dripping a bit onto my carpet. The sight of the blood was making me dizzy, and I stumbled to the bathroom, getting myself seated on the floor and taking several deep breaths to calm myself. I tore off some toilet paper and carefully wiped the blood off my arms, wincing horribly. Once that was all clean, I pulled some gauze from the cabinet under the sink and started wrapping my arms slowly, still feeling a bit out of it. My stomach was aching with hunger...I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours and it was getting to me, but the pain I was feeling right now was what I deserved.

I stood shakily, walking slowly back into my bedroom and towards the closed door. The anger I had been feeling earlier upon arriving home had now just turned to pure pain and my eyes were pricking with tears. I just needed Nick to hold me, and I needed to tell him how sorry I was. I opened the door and tripped over my feet as I headed into the hallway, now holding onto the wall for support. For whatever reason, whether it was lack of food or blood loss or the pain, but my head was positively spinning and I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Harry, glad you decided to...Harry? Fuck, Nick, get over here..." I could hear David's voice, but it sounded far off. I could feel my legs collapsing under me, but then I was in someone's arms and they were talking to me.

"Haz, can you hear me? Harry, talk to me...David, grab a warm towel or something...Harry, please, say something."

"Nick...what's going on...?" I asked groggily, not sure what was happening at this point. I felt cushions under me and then someone was tugging off my shirt. I protested, holding it tight onto me, but Nick was touching my cheek gently.

"H, I gotta get these clothes off you...get you in something dry, okay, love?" His voice was soft and kind and I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, so I let him undress me. He stripped me down to just my boxers and wrapped me in a blanket, and then David was there, and I felt a warm something on my forehead. My vision was still pretty fuzzy and I wasn't completely aware of what was happening to me, and it scared me. My breathing picked up and I blinked rapidly, trying to see properly. 

"Harry, I need you to relax for me, okay? You're gonna be alright, it's just lack of food combined with the blood loss, alright? Just breathe...that's it, breathe for me." David's voice was gentle as he continued to dab at my forehead, and I tried to slow my breathing down as he asked. Slowly, my fuzzy vision returned to normal and I could see Nick and David standing over me, looking terrified but relieved.

"Can you talk, Harry? Do you know what happened?" Nick asked me, and I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it. I could already feel the pain rising in my chest at the thought of it. 

"Nick, go get him some warm clothes...and we will have to clean his arms up, so some of that stuff as well, please, babe?" David asked, and Nick, looking utterly distraught, hurried off down the hallway. David turned back to me, taking hold of my twitching fingers. "Harry, love, you're alright. Whatever happened, you're here with us."

"I...I deserve this...I d-deserve the pain..." I mumbled, the only thought that was coming to my head at the moment being this. David shook his head and kissed my forehead, looking me squarely in the eye.

"You do not deserve this. You did nothing to deserve this, okay? If anyone deserves to feel this way, it should be Louis for treating you like shit all these years."

"It's my fault he hates me...'m too ugly, not good enough for him..." I whimpered, tears tracing my cheeks. David wiped them away gently, but his eyes looked a little misty too. 

"You are not ugly, Harry. You're beautiful, and anyone who tells you different is wrong. There is nothing wrong with you, and he's the one that isn't good enough for you. He doesn't deserve a man as wonderful as you. You trust me, right, Harry?"

I nodded, sniffing as David gently used the warm towel to wipe away more of my tears. "You...you care about me...care about Nick too...I trust you..."

"Then trust me when I say that you're so amazing and that's that."

Nick came back in at that moment, handing me a pair of warm joggers and a sweater that was a little too big for me. He knelt down next to me and began to unwrap my arms, going slowly because the fabric was sticking to the cuts, making me wince. 

"I'm gonna get you a bit of food, alright, Harry? Just a small bit." David said, standing up, placing a kiss on Nick's head, and heading for the kitchen. Nick kept his head down, but I could see him biting his lip.

"Nick, m'sorry..." I whispered, and Nick looked up at me, his eyes glassy.

"Don't apologize, H. You're okay now. Just don't...you fucking scared the shit out of me, I thought you were dying or something crazy..." He took a deep breath to steady himself. "Please stop doing this to yourself, love. I couldn't bear it if you...I just couldn't do it."

My bottom lip quivered, and I pulled Nick into an awkward hug, burying my face in his shoulder. I didn't answer his request, but he didn't seem to need it. He hugged back and then began cleaning out the scratches on my arms. I pulled my lip between my teeth, trying not to make any noise as they stung under the peroxide and the ointment. 

David came back a few minutes later with three small bowls of spinach pasta and a spoon. The smell was so wonderful, but it also made me feel a bit sick. Was he going to make me eat all of that? He must have seen the look on my face, because he sat down next to me, placing the bowls in his lap.

"Why don't you get dressed first, and then we can eat, alright? All of us together." David suggested, and I hesitated before pulling the clothes towards me, unwrapping the blanket, and getting dressed quickly. I then sat back down and Nick turned on the TV, surfing the channels before settling on a cooking show. David handed me the bowl and the spoon and then handed the second bowl to Nick, keeping the third for himself. I noticed that we all had the same amount, even though I knew for a fact that Nick and probably David as well needed more food than that.

"It's really good, Harry. David added a bit of spice to the sauce, it's an amazing touch. Try it." Nick said, sounding encouraging as he took a bite. I picked up my spoon but it stopped right before my mouth. I couldn't eat this...I just couldn't.

"C'mon, Harry, it's alright. Won't hurt you. It's good for you. Promise." David added, picking up a bite and holding it to his lips, waiting for me. I swallowed hard and put the spoon in my mouth along with David, my taste buds exploding at the slightly different yet amazing taste of my favorite food. David smiled and picked up another bite, waiting for me. Nick joined us, eating slowly, and we all absently watched the cooking show until I suddenly found my spoon scraping the bottom of my bowl. I had finished it all without an issue, and surprisingly, I didn't feel as horrible as I usually did about eating. 

David collected the three bowls and dropped them off in the kitchen, coming back with three mugs of tea. I held mine in my hands, letting the warmth seep into my body and soothe some of the permanent pain that had settled in my chest. Nick moved up onto the couch on my other side, and they both put their arms around my shoulders gently, draping the blanket over the three of us, and we watched the cooking show until we all fell asleep, the mugs of tea half full.


	25. Chapter 25 - Doom

Today was the day - the new semester started and I had no longer an excuse to stay at home. I had barely slept last night, since I had to think about the possibility of seeing Louis again. Of course, the chance was pretty low that I'd run into him, since our university was one of the biggest of the UK, but it wasn't impossible. After I silenced my alarm for the fourth time and I took a shower, I made my way to the kitchen where Nick was already eating breakfast. 

"Morning, Haz," he smiled as he spotted me entering the kitchen.

"Morning, Nick," I responded, half as cheerful as him.

"Ready for a new semester?" he asked, not looking up from his bowl of cereal. I just shrugged, ignoring the fact that he couldn't see my reaction. Nick looked up and noticed my missing enthusiasm. "It will be amazing, Haz! There are a lot of projects to work on. I'm really excited that Mr. Pierce chose you and Finn to assist me with the costumes for the big play at the end of the semester."

"Yeah will be fun," I mumbled, forcing a smile. Nick's face fell a little bit and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he decided against it, and I was grateful. I didn't need that talk before going to deal with classes.

After I took a few bites of an apple that was laying on the counter, Nick and I pulled on coats and got into his car. Since we both had classes that started at 9:30 and the play to work on, we figured it would work better to carpool. When we got there, Nick dropped me off at the building for my class and I waved goodbye, opening the door and heading into the warmth and to my business class. I hated this subject, but it was unavoidable if I wanted to become successful with my own designs. Making clothes was one thing...selling and managing the manufacturing of them? That was a different story.  When I entered the room, there were only a few empty tables left. I greeted people here and there as I walked by them, before sitting down next to Leila, who was beaming at me. 

"Harry!", she exclaimed cheerfully, leaning in to kiss my cheek. "I missed you. How was your break? How is Louis?" I swallowed hard as her last words penetrated my ears. Great, just fucking fantastic. I'd been in the building for what, five minutes, and someone had already asked me about the one subject I definitely wanted to avoid.

"Harry? Is everything okay?" Leila placed her hand on my forearm, looking concerned. My discomfort must have been showing on my face. I wasn't very good at hiding how I felt. 

"Yeah...yeah...m'fine. Louis and I...um...we broke up," I stumbled, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me, but saying it out loud was a whole new level of unknown pain that I definitely hadn't been prepared for.

"Oh gosh...I am so sorry. I never would have asked if..." she started to apologize, but I cut her off.

"It's okay, Leila. You couldn't have known. Just...let's not talk about it, okay?"

"Of course, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Okay?" Leila offered, and my lips twitched in a small smile. She was a sweet girl. I met her on my first day of University and we got along quite well. She was not like the other girls who wanted a gay best friend. She liked me for who I was, not what my sexuality was, and I really appreciated that. 

I pulled her wordlessly into a tight hug, pretty sure she'd understand what I wanted to say. 

"Hey...me and some friends want to go do karaoke tonight. If you don't have any plans yet, why don't you join us? I bet it will be a lot of fun. And I know that you love singing. So what do you think?" Leila asked after I let go of her. 

"Sounds great, Lei. Who else is coming?"

"Just the regular squad - Finn, Sam, Cara, Shawn and Brandon," she said, lowering her voice, since Mr. Murphey had just entered the room.

I remembered the time Brandon had asked me out and I declined his offer. He looked a bit heart broken, but I couldn't help it - I just wanted him to be a friend of mine, not more. He had never stopped giving me heart eyes, though. Maybe a bit of distraction would help me getting over Louis? I know this was pretty unlikely, but in the worst case I would still get a few hours of distraction and I definitely needed to get out of the house for more things.

"Count me in," I whispered and Leila smiled at me. 

________________

After class was over, I headed for the cafeteria. Even though I wasn't hungry, I had promised Nick that I'd eat at least a salad during lunch break. Just as I entered the cafeteria, I heard someone shouting my name from behind. 

"Harry! Harry, wait!"

I turned around slowly, and a gentle hand landed on my shoulder.

"Nick, hey," I greeted him, smiling. His smile grew as he saw my happy expression.

"Hey, how was your first class?" he asked, breathless from sprinting over to me. 

"Good. Going out for some karaoke tonight. Feel free to join us, I'm pretty sure Leila and the others wouldn't mind," I told him, secretly hoping he'd join me since he was one of the few people I was completely comfortable around. Not that I wasn't comfortable around the others, but Nick was my safe haven.

"Thanks for the offer, but David and I want to go to the movies tonight," he said, looking at me apologetically.

"It's alright. Would have been nice, but go to the movies. You haven't had much time to yourself lately," I mumbled, feeling a bit guilty. 

"Don't even think about apologizing, Haz. You're my friend and I'll do anything to make you feel better," Nick said firmly, checking his watch. "Oh shit, I have to go. I have an appointment at the other end of the building in about 5 minutes. Just wanted to let you know that we'll be meeting with the director of the play in an hour. We'll talk about some facts and costume wishes of the director and his or her crew. I still don't know who will direct it, but I guess we will find out. Don't be late, Harry. We'll meet in the sewing room on the second floor."

"Okay sure. See you later," I said, and Nick turned on his heels and rushed away. I thought about maybe finding Liam and sitting with him, and I let my eyes wander through the lunch room. I spotted Liam at once, but I froze in mid-step as I was about to head his way. Zayn and Louis were sitting next to him, both of them focused on their food. I definitely couldn't sit there now. I rushed over to the lunch line, where I grabbed a small bowl of fruit salad and a low fat yoghurt. I made sure to keep my head down and go the long way around as I looked for an empty table to sit at. I finally found one at the far end of the dining hall and I placed the tray on the table, plugging in my earphones as I sat down. Meghan Trainor's  _'Like I'm gonna loose you'_ started to play. 

_In the blink of an eye_

_Just a whisper of smoke_

_You could lose everything_

_The truth is you never know_

_So I'll kiss you longer baby_

_Any chance that I get_

_I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets_

_Let's take our time_

_To say what we want_

_Use what we got_

_Before it's all gone_

_**'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow** _

Louis and I were not promised tomorrow either. Everything had been too good to be true. Maybe I should have enjoyed the time we had together more. I should have memorized every single second with him, because it was all gone now. Even though he hurt me, I missed having him around me. That sounded ridiculous even to me, after all that had happened, but Louis was my everything. He always had been. The problem was I wasn't his, and that was something I had to accept.

I jolted in my seat as someone pulled out one of my ear buds, panicking for a moment as I saw a flash of blue eyes.

"Sorry...didn't mean to scare you...can I sit down?" The harsh Irish accent hit my ears and I relaxed a bit.

"Oh, hey Niall. Sure, take a seat," I replied, pausing the music and removing the other ear bud as Niall sat down next to me. 

"Haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing? And I want an honest answer, Styles," he asked, pushing my shoulder gently in a friendly way. I sighed.

"Have been better, but it is what it is." Niall stared at me, as if he expected me to go on, and as much as I didn't want to, Nick wasn't here and I needed someone to talk to, someone I could trust a little bit.  "I...I miss him, even though I shouldn't, and I miss Liam a lot. It's like I lost my best friend as well as my...and I can't talk to him about Lou...Louis. I mean, he's his brother," I almost choked saying Louis' name, but I forced it out, stirring my yoghurt and not making eye contact with Niall. 

"Yeah, I get that. If it makes you feel better, he's doing poorly as well. Both of them. I know Liam is missing you a lot, but he doesn't exactly know how to talk to you. Maybe you should just give it a try. And Louis...yeah, I haven't seen him like this  _ever_. According to Liam, he doesn't leave his room unless he needs food...we haven't had any time to hang out lately, either. He always declines and says he's tired, but he never looks rested..." Niall explained. I never thought Niall would have a calm side. I thought you could have fun with him, but that he'd be the wrong person to talk to whenever you had a problem, but apparently I was wrong. I felt a bit guilty.  I didn't respond to Niall, not really having any words to say, but gave him a half honest smile instead. 

"You can't avoid him forever, you know that right?" he said, looking up from his food and directly at me. 

"Yeah, I just...I don't know if I could...you know...yet..." I mumbled, because of course I knew he was right. If I wanted my best friend back I had to deal with Louis as well. I mean, they lived together, there was no way I could avoid him. 

All of a sudden, Niall stood up and made me stand up as well. In my confusion, he grabbed my tray and dragged me towards the other end of the room where Liam and the others were sitting. As soon as I understood what Niall was up to, I started pleading.

"Please Niall, no. I can't do this. I...I can't...Niall, please..."

"Come on, Harry. You have to start at some point. You don't have to talk to Louis, but please start talking to Liam again. To be honest, Zayn misses you just as much as Liam does, and I do as well, even though we haven't exactly hung out before. But I still really like you and want to be your friend...please." he almost begged, his eyes big and blue and pleading. 

He was right. I had to start at some point - and this point was apparently going to be now. 

"Guys, look who I've found," Niall almost cheered as he grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to him. All of their heads snapped up and they all looked surprised. 

"Haz," Liam exclaimed, jumping to his feet and pulling me into a tight hug. "Gosh, I've missed you"

I hugged him back tightly. It was like this hug was my way of telling everything I wanted to say but I couldn't. Gosh, I fucking missed him. A single tear ran down my face and met Liam's neck. I know that he noticed, because he hugged me even tighter, before taking a step back. He looked over to Louis, who was looking like he didn't know how to act. His hands were fidgety and he wasn't looking up at us. 

"Come sit with us," Liam added, dragging me to the empty chair next to him. Zayn smiled at me and clapped me on the shoulder happily while Louis mumbled a silent _hello_. 

"I haven't seen you in ages, Haz. What have you been up to?" Liam asked, digging into his food again.

"Um...n-not much," I stuttered quietly. "Lots of work, spending lots of time with David and Nick."

"I see. I hope you didn't forget that Nick invited us over. We still have to make that happen," Liam reminded me, and to be honest I had forgotten about it already. But maybe that could be another distraction.

"Y-yeah sure," I muttered, looking down at my tray. 

"What about tonight?" Zayn added cheerfully.

"That's a fabulous idea. What do you think, Haz?" Liam asked, nudging me.

"Um...I already have plans for tonight. Sorry. Maybe another time, okay?" I said. looking apologetically at them. 

"Watching all episodes of _Friends_ for the hundredth time isn't an excuse, you know that right?" Liam countered playfully, chuckling.

"Ha ha. Funny as always, Li," I said back, rolling my eyes. "No, I'm going out for a karaoke night with Leila, Cara and the lads."

"The lads?" Liam looked at me, confused.

"Um...yeah. Finn, Sam, Shawn and Brandon."

"Brandon?" Liam raised an eyebrow, exactly knowing who I was talking about. "Are we talking about the guy who declared you his love about five times in the past year or two."

Louis almost choked as Liam finished the sentence and Niall immediately patted his back.

"Jeez, are you okay, mate?"

"Y-yeah. I just choked on my coke," Louis mumbled quietly. What the fuck was that? Is he jealous? He has no right to be, but on the other hand, I don't want him to be jealous - at least not without any reason. I mean, we were talking about Brandon. Never in a billions years would I ever consider dating him. To be fair, I'd never consider dating anyone but Louis. I sighed and pushed the tray away from me. I had barely eaten anything, but this whole situation had caused me to completely lose my appetite.  

"You're not finished yet, are you?" Liam asked, looking at me with concern. I just rolled my eyes...was he serious? We had just made the first step of getting closer again and he was already criticizing me? 

"Not hungry anymore," I almost whispered, feeling like I should defend myself but why? I wasn't a baby anymore. 

"You look like you haven't e-" Liam continued, sounding a bit angry, but Louis cut him off. 

"Leave him alone, Liam."

I flinched at his voice. What the fuck was this? Why was he stepping in to defend me? Why would he do that? I couldn't understand why he was still standing up for me, after basically cheating on me. 

 _"Leave him alone," 8-year old Louis almost shouted as he pushed that big guy from 5th grade so hard, that he fell_ _on the ground. Louis grabbed my arm and dragged me with him, away from the playground._

_"Are you alright, Hazza?" he looked at me, concerned._

_"Y-yeah," I sniffed, tears rolling down my cheeks._

_"Don't cry, Hazzy. I'm here to protect you. I'll always be and I'll never let anyone hurt you," Louis assured me, pulling me into a hug. "You're the prettiest boy I know, you deserve protecting."_

All of a sudden I got angry. Angry that he played with my feelings. All of this wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for him. If he hadn't fucked up again, I wouldn't be here almost arguing with my best friend, who I had barely talked to over the past couple of weeks. 

"Shut the fuck up, Louis. You have no right to tell him what to do when it comes to me. He's my best friend and he's part of the life, so he has every right to ask questions, but you don't have the right to defend me. You made it quite clear you don't want to be in my life, so stay out of it." I snapped, and before any of the others could respond, I stood up, grabbing my tray.

"I have to go. Have a meeting in a few minutes," I growled, feeling guilty only a few seconds later. "Sorry. See you around."

I didn't even look up to where Louis was sitting, avoiding his gaze. As soon as I left the cafeteria I started running, and as soon as I reached the toilets I slowed down and locked myself in one of the stalls. I slid down the door and rested my head on my knees, trying to breath steady. _You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry._ After a while I heard someone entering one of the other stalls. Only a few moments later I heard quiet sobs. Seems like I wasn't the only one having a fucked up day. I wonder if someone had broken his heart as well. I was about to say something, but eventually decided against it. I didn't know anything about him, so how could I say something comforting, especially considering the way I was feeling at the moment. When I checked my phone I noticed that I was almost late for the meeting. I jumped to my feet, unlocking the stall and avoiding my own pathetic reflection in the mirror before heading for the meeting. 

I arrived just in time. Nick smiled and waved at me when I entered the room, and I sat down next to him. Finn and some of the drama students were already here as well. I figured I was the last one. 

"Mr. Pierce told me that there will be three designers and three drama students. Seems like we're still missing one," Nick spoke up. "Seems like timing isn't one of his strengths."

"I just saw him few minutes ago, I think he should be here soon," a red haired cut in.

He. Okay, so we would have to deal with a guy. That wasn't the worst thing, since drama guys were often a lot easier to work with. They didn't waste too much time thinking about the details of the costumes, while the girls always had to criticize the way we worked. At least that was what I had experienced over the last year or so at this university. Most of the guys who didn't study fashion design hadn't shown much interest in designs, especially when it came to costumes. I had only met one person who actually talked about his opinion when it came to fashion and that was Louis. We had talked a lot about theatre plays in the past and he always mentioned that he would have changed the costumes. He had always shown interest in my studying and the things that I had designed. _Gosh stop thinking about that asshole_. I wanted to slap my own face. I swore, it was like I was _trying_ to make myself miserable.

At that moment, the door opened and a too-well-known person entered the room. His eyes looked red and puffy, like he had just cried, but a smile was intact.

"Sorry for being late," he apologized. I couldn't believe that he was standing there. Our eyes met. Fuck. 

Louis Fucking Tomlinson was the director of the play. 

 


	26. Chapter 26 - When We Were Young

Louis' kept his gaze on me for a moment longer before looking away and surveying the people in the room. I could feel the tight lump in my throat only growing bigger as I tried to swallow it down. Nick's eyes were boring into Louis like he was trying to burn him to the ground with the intensity of his stare, and every now and then he looked over at me to make sure I was alright. But there was no way I was going to cry in front of Louis. I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me. 

"Hey, guys. If you don't already know me, I'm Louis, and I'll be directing the play this year. Let me just check and see if we have everyone here..." Louis pulled out a sheet of paper and ran over the names and positions.

"Jack...assistant director." The red haired boy smiled and raised his hand in a quick greeting, and Louis smiled back. My heart clenched at the sight of it, but I just gripped onto my leg under the table, forcing myself to focus on that pain instead. Louis had already called out the names for the stage managers, and was now on the list for costume designers.

"Nick Grimshaw...head costume designer." Louis' voice wobbled a bit as he looked up at Nick, and Nick gave him a curt nod, which was a lot better than what I had been expecting from him. Louis consulted the list once again and then looked up.

"Finn Glass and H-Harry Styles...assistant costume designers." 

Louis stuttered on my name, and again we locked eyes. There was a strange set of emotions in Louis' eyes, but I looked away before processing them, because I really didn't have time to hide in a closet or something and cry. This was something I had always wanted to do and I was not about to let my feelings for Louis get in the way of me doing a fucking fantastic job. 

"Right, so everyone is here, let's get a few things straight and then I'll let you all go." Louis' voice almost sounded like it was trembling a little bit, but I forced myself to ignore it, pulling out a pen and some paper so I could write down any important information. Louis was currently talking to the stage managers about when they would need to be showing up for rehearsals and things they would have to do on their own, and Nick took that opportunity to lean in towards me.

"You alright, H?"

I nodded once, not wanting to discuss any part of how I was feeling right now. Nick didn't seem convinced, but he dropped the subject and looked up as Louis turned to us.

"Nick, I'm basically letting you have free reign. Since the play is set in present day, we'll just need nice outfits for all the major characters. I'm sure that...umm, your assistants can help you out with those. I know you guys have a good eye for fashion. Finn, you'll be in charge of figuring out which pieces need tailoring after they are finished."

I didn't look up at him, but merely wrote out his instructions slowly on my paper. Louis' eyes were lingering on me but I didn't dare give him any attention, and eventually, he looked away and spoke to the room at large.

"That's everything. We'll meet again in a few weeks to discuss how things are progressing."

"Louis...what is the play called?" Finn asked, looking up from the patters that Nick was holding in his hands, and Louis' face turned the lightest shade of pink, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth and biting it nervously before answering.

"Take That Back."

________________

"So, H...what do you think we should do for the designs?" Nick asked as we spread out the paperwork that Louis had given Nick after the meeting.

"Well, since the main characters are a boy and a girl, and the background characters include four other boys and two girls, with an assortment of randoms, I'd say we should do the male stuff first. We need to make more of that. We can have the actors shop for jeans, that's not too hard and not too much money, and then we can do the shirts. Keep the patterns simple, don't go over the top." I mumbled, sketching out some random pencil lines in my notebook. Nick closed his and carefully took mine away, which made me look up, a pout on my lips.

"Harry...I know this isn't ideal, but...we have to try our best, okay? I'll make sure he doesn't come near you, but we have to be excited and ready to do this if it's gonna get done properly. This is huge. Your designs could make it big if people like the play, you know that, right?"

I nodded and took my notebook back, starting the outline of a long sleeved button down and trying to put all of my focus onto that. Louis voice was still echoing in my head, and I couldn't get rid of it. Nick shuffled the papers and a single sheet of a different color floated out of the mix. Nick picked it up and his lips formed a thin line as he read it. With a sigh, he passed it to me.

"This is for you, apparently." He said in clipped tones, and I picked it up curiously, reading the slanted writing.

_H,_

_That shirt you wore...the one with the speckles...that is exactly what I want, but in the form of a dress, for the main girl. I know you can make it happen._

_L_

I swallowed and crumpled the sketch I was doing, tossing it across the room and onto the floor. Nick looked at me in concern, but I just bit the inside of my cheek and started a fresh page, drawing instead the outer figure of a girl. As much as even thinking of Louis hurt me, I would still do whatever he wanted, because I would never get over him, and he would always have me wrapped around his little finger, no matter how much pain he caused me. 

"Haz, you don't have to...I mean, I can do it if you..."

"No. He asked me to do it. I'm going to do it." I shot back, not intending to be mean, but it came out that way, and I saw Nick flinch. I reached over to him and hugged him. "M'sorry...I just...I'm sorry."

Nick cradled my head against his shoulder and sighed, pecking my forehead at an awkward angle. "It's alright, Haz. I know it's a lot to handle right now. You do whatever pieces you want and I'll do the rest. Sound good?"

I nodded and at that moment, there was a knock on the door of the flat. Nick grinned like an idiot and hurried to answer it, leaving me on the couch with my notebook and a kind of sinking feeling in my stomach. I loved David, I really did, but if he was here that meant it was time for me to go out with my friends, and right now all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed with a movie and a cup of tea.

David came in and smiled at me, sitting down to give me a hug. "Hey, Harry. How are you doing today?"

I watched Nick tense up, looking almost scared, but I tried for a half smile. "It wasn't completely terrible."

"Better than nothing, eh? Did you want to have dinner with us after our movie?"

"I...umm, I'm going out. Just with some friends, to a karaoke night. If that's okay..." I mumbled, feeling a bit nervous for no reason. It wasn't like I had to ask permission to go anywhere...I was an adult. But at the same time I kind of needed that push if I was actually going to get out of the house. 

"Of course. Most definitely! Just make sure you eat something if you guys decide to drink, yeah?" David insisted, and I nodded, folding up my notebook and gathering the paperwork.

"I'd better get dressed. Nick, I'm gonna put all of this in my room, okay? You can grab whatever you need later." I called to Nick, who was now in the kitchen. He called back his approval and I hurried back to my room. I put the folder of papers on my desk and went to my closet. I pushed all of my regular clothes aside and got to the sort of secret part of my closet, where I kept all of the clothes I had designed myself, just for special occasions. I rifled through them until I settled on a lighter blue shirt with white polka dots on it. I wasn't sure why, but I was feeling a bit adventurous. Not so much that I was willing to go with the pink one right next to it, but just a little bit. 

I pulled it on and buttoned it about halfway, and then made sure my jeans looked clean before slipping on black boots and a jacket, my hair waving almost nicely around my shoulders. I went to the bathroom quickly and brushed my teeth, avoiding my reflection as much as possible. I then grabbed my phone and my wallet and hurried back into the hallway and towards the front door. Nick and David were sitting on the couch, looking really close and cuddly, and I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just slipped out the door and hurried down the street. 

The place we were going wasn't far away, and I reached it without much trouble. I spotted Leila in seconds and she waved me over.

"Harry!" They all called in unison, standing to greet me. I got hugs and a few kisses on the cheek, and then there was Brandon.

"Damn, mate, you look fine in that shirt. Sure you haven't changed your mind?"

"Thanks, B, but no, I haven't." I replied, trying to laugh even though I wanted to cry. Of course I hadn't changed my mind...my mind was still fucking set on Louis. But that was why I was here...to forget about him, and that was exactly what I was going to do. 

"Get him something to drink!" Brandon called, and some cup of something was shoved into my hands. I took a single sip and then, when no one was looking, put it on another table. I didn't want to drink tonight. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

________________

About three hours later, most of my friends were a little tipsy and they were headed up to the stage to sing some karaoke. I sat in my seat with one of the other girls that I didn't know too well and watched as they did a truly horrible rendition of "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. I chuckled my way through it, but the smile that had been almost persistent throughout the night slipped away as Leila spoke into the mic.

"Harry...come sing something! I know you love to sing...such a pretty voice too..." 

I shook my head furiously. I was nowhere near drunk enough for that, and in any case, what would I even sing?

"I even picked a song for you...pleeeeeaaaaasee?" She was begging now, her lip out in a pout, and I sighed, knowing she wouldn't give up until I had done one song. I stood up and the room full of half drunk people clapped. I got up on the stage and swallowed, almost scared as to what song she could have picked out for me to sing. She sat me down on the stool and handed me the mic, and I gave a small nervous wave to the crowd. She then gave me a wink and lead the rest of them off the stage, leaving me alone and curiously frightened.

The opening piano chords started and I almost choked on air. Was she serious right now? Of all song's she could have picked, it had to be this one? I couldn't fucking do this...but I had no choice, cause the words were on the screen and the four beat countdown was showing. Reluctantly, I opened my mouth and began to sing.

 

_Everybody loves the things you do_

_From the way you walk_

_To the way you move..._

_Everybody here is watching you_

_Cause you feel like home_

_You're like a dream come true_

 

_But if by chance you're here alone_

_Can I have a moment?_

_Before I go?_

_Cause I've been by myself all night long_

_Hoping you're someone I used to know_

 

It was almost to much for me to continue, because inside my heart was tearing into pieces, but I kept going, feeling the tears already starting to prick at the corners of my eyes.

 

_You look like a movie_

_You sound like a song_

_My God, this reminds me_

_Of when we were young_

 

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly as we were_

_Before we realized we were getting old_

_It made us restless_

_It was just like a movie,_

_It was just like a song._

 

_I was so scared to face my fears_

_Cause nobody told me that You'd be here_

_And I swore you moved overseas_

_That's what you said when you left me_

 

_You still look like a movie,_

_You still sound like a song_

_My God, this reminds me_

_Of when we were young_

 

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly as we were_

_Before we realized we were getting old_

_It made us restless_

_It was just like a movie,_

_It was just like a song._

 

_When we were young..._

_When we were young..._

 

_It's hard to win me back_

_Everything just takes me back_

_To when you were there_

_To when you were there_

_And a part of me keeps holding on_

_Just in case it hasn't gone_

_I guess I still care_

_Do you still care?_

 

I choked on the last bit of the bridge, but no one in the audience seemed to notice. My hand was shaking on the mic and I wanted nothing more than to run, the tears building in my eyes and threatening to spill over. Well, maybe it would make it a more moving performance if I did cry. 

 

_It was just like a movie_

_It was just like a song_

_My God, this reminds me_

_Of when we were young_

 

_When we were young..._

_When we were young..._

 

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

_I'm so mad I'm getting old_

_It made me reckless_

_It was just like a movie_

_It was just like a song_

_When we were young_

  
  
A single tear made its way down my cheek and the entire bar burst into applause. I looked up as I put the mic back carefully and, with a jolt to my stomach that had me close to throwing up, I saw a familiar face in the crowd, one I had not expected to see and one that I definitely couldn't handle right now. I hurried off the stage passing Leila and Brandon and the others. I needed to get out of there...I couldn't be around him, not after what I had just basically confessed through song. I needed to go home.

_______________

I walked quietly through the front door, surprised to find it unlocked, but grateful all the same. I wouldn't have been able to unlock it with how badly my hands were shaking. I took my coat off and I could smell something delicious coming from the kitchen but I felt sick at the thought of eating. I tiptoed into the main room, and saw Nick and David cuddled up on the couch, bathed in the light from the TV, their lips touching every few seconds with gentle kisses. I couldn't bear to watch them, so I just ran for my room, not noticing that both of them looked up at my burst of speed. 

I closed the door to my room a bit louder than I meant to and threw my phone and wallet down on my desk, grabbing my sketch book and sitting down on the floor hard. I tore out the sketch I had started and balled it up, throwing it away from me. I picked up my pencil and started again, but for some reason, it just wasn't coming to me. I had no ideas, and I really needed this distraction right now. I tried six more times before one started to look good, but then my pencil tip broke. I tore the paper up in frustration and put my head in my hands. 

"Harry...Harry, are you alright? Can I come in, please?" There was a gentle knock on my door and David's voice came through. I tried to answer, but all that came out was a choked sob, and David pushed the door carefully open. I didn't look up at him, but I could feel his presence as he came and sat down next to me on the floor. My head was now buried in my knees and my hands were twisting together, running roughly over the cuts on my knuckles and then down to the bandages on my wrists.

"Harry, look at me..." David whispered in a very soft voice, and it took all my willpower to lift my head and look at him, my eyes stinging. He reached for my arms gently and pulled them away from each other, holding them gently in his hands. "You're okay, yeah? Wanna tell me what happened?"

I shook my head furiously, tugging at his grip on my arms, but he only held on a bit tighter, looking at me with a stern sort of kindness.

"You don't have to...but you can't resort to hurting yourself. I know it hurts. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be right here. Let's get you in bed, yeah?"

I let David help me to my feet and I sat on the edge of my bed, not wanting to be under the covers quite yet. I took several deep breaths to clear my head and then looked at David, tears still lingering in my eyes. "It was just supposed to be fun...a night away, and I just...this is so fucked up..." I muttered, and David put an arm around me, finally deeming it okay to let my arms go.

"I know...it really is fucked up...but you're gonna have to be a bit more specific, cause going out with friends doesn't seem all that bad. Seems like an excellent way to keep your mind off things."

"Leila was just trying to let me have fun and she made me sing a song and I...it..." I swallowed, ignoring the tears making new tracks of water on my face. "They made me sing _When We Were Young_ by Adele and it just...it reminded me of every fucking thing that has ever g-gone wrong and then I finished it and...and he was right fucking there in the crowd and he saw me get emotional over it and I can't do this anymore..." I managed to get that all out before burying my face in his chest, just needing something to hold on to. David rubbed my back slowly and let me cry a bit before I forced myself to stop and look up at him, suddenly becoming curious.

"H-how are you so good at this? Like, you always know what to do...not that Nick doesn't, but...it's..." I asked, and David gave a wan smile.

"I used to be in a very similar position to your current one, Harry. I was in love with a boy and I was hurt by him...many many times. Yet I still loved him, even after all of the horrible things that happened between us."

"W-what did you do?" I inquired further, and he sighed.

"I lost him. I did find out later that he, in fact, hadn't cheated on me at all and that it was all a huge mistake, but by that time I had lost him already. But I learned something, and it's that you have to move on. I know how hard it is to do that, and it seems impossible right now, but you have to. Dwelling on it, thinking about it all the time, will only take you down further, and I know that you don't deserve to live that kind of life. It's going to take a while, but it will be worth it in the end. Look at me! I found Nick, and I care about him so fucking much, even after all that I went through. It's possible to move on. If I can do it, than you most certainly can as well. I believe in you, Harry."

I gave David a watery smile and a hug, and David hugged me back, pressing his lips to my hair lightly, like Nick always did.

"I was just about to get some more food...want to join me?"

The way he said it, I knew it wasn't so much a request as an order, and I knew I should listen, so I got up and followed him out and into the kitchen, where Nick was pouring two glasses of wine. He smiled at me and I actually managed to smile back. David grabbed a bowl and poured a cup of soup into it, throwing it into the microwave, and Nick came to join me at the table.

"You alright?" he asked, concern lacing his voice, and I nodded. I wasn't perfect, I wasn't even fine, but I was okay...and on my way to being  just a bit better. 


	27. Chapter 27 - Getting Used To It

This night was the worst night in a long time; I simply couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned in my bed, hoping to finally to get some rest, but I failed miserably. I sighed in frustration as I grabbed my phone from the nightstand to check the time. It was almost 4 am and I hadn't slept for a single minute. Annoyed and exhausted, I sank back in my pillow and groaned. Fucking great. I had to work in the morning and I really couldn't afford to go in looking like a fucking zombie. 

I almost jumped out of my skin as my phone started to ring. Who the fuck was calling me in the middle of the night? I fumbled for my phone as I started to panic a little, because what if something had happened to my mom or Gemma? My heart sank as I read Louis' name on the screen. _Liam_ , was my first thought. _Please let him be alright_! I didn't hesitate any longer and answered the call.

"H-hello?" I asked with a shaky voice. Silence. 

"Hello? Louis? Did something happen to Liam?" I repeated myself, getting more and more nervous.

"Harry, oh pretty Harry," Louis said, sounding very out of it.

"Louis, what's wrong? Is Liam okay? Talk to me!" I commanded sternly. I didn't have time for his shit right now...I needed to know if Liam was alright.

Louis let out a slightly hysteric laugh.

"S-s-suree, Lima Beaaan is doing a-ma-zayn," he babbled, and I let out a relieved breath. Thank god, Liam was okay. But why was he calling me then?

"Are _you_ okay?" I asked after hesitating for a moment. There was another moment of silence. 

"I..." Louis started to say something, but stopped only a few seconds later.

"You...?" I repeated, not sure what he was trying to say. 

"I'm so tired, Hazzy," he continued in a soft tone. "I...you...I-I wanna go hoooome." Louis sounded so broken, but what what I supposed to do?  My heart was screaming for me to tell him that I kinda missed him, but this was definitely not an option. I had to get over him and as long as I grieved for our _relationship_ , or what I thought it used to be, this would be impossible.

My stomach jolted painfully as he mentioned my old nickname. _Hazzy_. He used to call me that when we were little. It always made me feel so small, but that was okay because Louis had always there to protect me. He had never left my side, at least not until we were teenagers and he knew I could take care of myself. I shook my head vigorously as I noticed that my thoughts were drifting away and I started getting emotional over a dumb nickname. I needed to focus.

"Where are you Louis?" I asked.  To my disliking, I was definitely worried about him because he was obviously drunk as fuck and somewhere out in the cold, and I didn't want him to get hurt...or worse. 

"I don't know. At a bar. You have to try their te-tequila. It's gooood, Haz," his words all slurred together. I sighed, knowing that he would be too drunk to get home by himself. I rubbed my face, trying to think about a solution for this messed up situation. Of course I could have left him to his own, but I simply couldn't do it - even after all that had happened. I cared too much for him. 

"Can you tell me the name of the bar, Louis?" I asked, hoping he would at least be able to tell me that. 

"Um...I only see the street and caaaars," he replied. Against my better judgement, I smirked. Only Louis...fuck, why was I thinking about him fondly?? 

"Maybe it helps to turn around," I said, trying to hide my faint amusement. 

"You're such a s-smart boy, Harold. Always knew that," Louis chuckled. "I....am....I'm at M-mi-mick's ga-garage." Thank god. I knew that bar. It was not that far from their flat, but I decided to call Liam to pick him up. He was definitely too drunk to walk home from there, and it was freezing outside.

"Okay, Louis, are you listening to me?" I asked carefully, because he had gotten strangely silent.

"Mhm....." was the only response that I got, but it was enough for me.

"Okay, I'm calling Liam to pick you up. He should be there in about 15 minutes. Don't move, alright?" I exclaimed, hoping he would do what I said. 

"Okie dokie," Louis replied, giggling.

"Bye, Louis. And stay there!" I commanded one last time before I hung up. 

What the hell was that? Louis was so fucking drunk, and his first thought was to call me in the middle of the night? I should be pissed, but I simply couldn't be. I looked for Liam's number tiredly before pressing the call button. 

_The person you have called is not available. Please try again later._

I sighed as I looked for Zayn's number - but as I called it, I got the same message. Fucking hell. What was I supposed to do now? I didn't have Niall's number, and there was no way I was going to go pick him up, never in a million years...but it was cold outside and I couldn't risk him getting hurt because he wandered into the road and got hit by a car.

 I sighed again as I rolled out of bed and put on a pair of sweatpants. I cursed at the whole situation; why did this happen to me? I was not mad at the fact that Louis called me, but somehow I was pissed that non of the others answered their phones. What if there was an emergency or something like that? I grabbed the sweater which was hanging over my armchair when it hit me. I didn't have a car...how would I be able to pick him up? I slapped my hand against my forehead - I was such an idiot sometimes. I mean, I could wake Nick, but I didn't know how I would explain that we had to pick up my ex in the middle in the night because he was dead-ass drunk and the only person that was actually answering their phone was me.

I walked into the kitchen, trying to think of a solution as I spotted the keys to Nick's car sitting in the bowl on the counter next to his wallet. I didn't have to tell him right now. He wouldn't even notice that his car was gone, and he had said I could use it whenever I needed it. He would possibly being more mad about waking him up in the middle of the night than me borrowing his car. I grabbed the keys  and made my way to the door, slipping on my shoes and heading out into the cold.

After a 15 minute car ride I finally stopped in front of the bar and immediately spotted Louis on a bench next to the front door. His arms were crossed in front of his chest and he looked like he was sleeping. I parked the car and got out into the cold, heading over to Louis. 

As I walked over to him, I realized that he was really asleep. I sat down next to him, not wanting to wake him quite yet. He just looked so at peace, so beautiful. I touched his shoulder carefully as I swallowed, trying to remain calm. _You can do it, Styles. You have to do it. You're strong_. 

"Louis? Louis? Wake up," I whispered, shaking his shoulder gently. He groaned a few times before he cracked an eye open.

"What are you doing h-here, Harry?" he asked in a half sleepy, half drunk voice. His eyebrows were drawn together in confusion.

"I'm here to pick you up. Liam and Zayn didn't answer their phones. Come on, get in the car, it's fucking freezing out here," I explained, helping him stand up. I grabbed his arm and led him to the car, which didn't turn out to be as easy as it sounded, considering how much Louis was staggering around. After I had helped him into the car and I had buckled him, I sat down at the driver's seat and started the car. Neither of us spoke...of course it had to be fucking awkward.

After a good five minutes of driving in absolute silence, Louis finally spoke up.

"Thank you," he almost whispered. "You didn't h-have to do that."

"You're welcome...and yes I did. I couldn't let you die on the streets...Liam would have my head." I explained without showing any emotion. "But I might change my mind if you throw up in here. I don't want to have to explain it to Nick."

Louis let out a soft giggle. What was so funny?

"What is it?" I asked, confused. Louis just shook his head, not saying anything.

"C'mon, Lou. What's up?" I prompted again, not about to take no for an answer.

"I...I just thought...maybe you don't hate me as much, since you cared to come get me..." he shrugged still amused. "Maybe you won't hate me forever," he added, his voice almost a whisper. It seemed he was saying it more to himself than to me.

There it was again. Silence. Fuck, what was I supposed to say at that? Louis smile faded when he saw how uncomfortable I was. 

"Oh..."

"What?" I asked yet again.

"Nothing..." Louis said, sounding incredibly frustrated. 

"Louis, don't play this game with me. Just tell me." I glared at him. I could read him like an open book. I could always tell when he was having a hard time or when he was lying to me, and this was definitely one of those times.

"I...maybe I was just wrong...but it's okay. I deserve it. You hate me, I get it," he countered silently.  I let out another sigh. I pulled over as I reached their flat and I turned off the engine. Louis unbuckled himself and was about to leave the car when I grabbed his arm. He turned his head, looking at me in surprise.  _What the fuck are you doing, Styles? Just let him go and drive home._  Louis looked me straight in the eyes and it got harder to breathe. I closed my eyes, trying to think straight. 

"Okay listen, Louis. I don't hate you," I said slowly. He gaped at me as if I was speaking another language.

"You don't hate me?" he repeated my words. I shook my head, eyes still closed. 

"I could never hate you. That's the problem. My mind tells me to hate you because you deserve it, but my heart can't."

I felt Louis hand stroking over my cheek, wiping away the few tears that were rolling down. I stiffened, both hating and craving his touch. He had to go. Now! 

"Good night, Louis," I said forcefully, turning my face to look straight out of the window. He hesitated for a moment but finally decided to get out of the car.

"Thank you, Harry," he said and I just nodded to show him that it was okay. He closed the door and I watched him walk over to the front door of his house. I wanted to wait until he was inside, just to make sure he was in the warmth. But it didn't happen. Louis was fumbling for his keys, but he apparently couldn't find them. He sank his head against the door, looking frustrated. 

"Do you need help?" I asked after I let down the window.  Louis simply shook his head. 

"Louis," I warned him. He slowly walked back over to the car.

"Lost my keys," he mumbled, making it hard for me to understand what he was saying. 

"You lost your keys?"

He nodded, looking down. I let out another sigh. This was definitely not my night. 

"Get in, then," I commanded, pointing to the passenger seat. Louis eyebrows shot up.

"W-what?" he stumbled. 

"I said get in the damn car. I won't leave you on the street. You're going to sleep on our couch, but after tonight we'll go separate ways again. Do you understand that? I just don't wanna let you freeze to death." I could slap myself. What the hell was I doing? I felt more and more anger building up in my chest, but it was more anger at myself for letting my iron guard down.

"Harry, no. I ... I can't ask you to do this," he whispered, barely audible. It was astounding how incredibly soft and vulnerable Louis sounded. 

"You don't have to ask me. Now get in the damn car. I wanna get at least a few hours of sleep before I have to get up for work," I almost snapped. I didn't meant to sound so rude, but this whole situation was getting to me more like I wanted to admit. Louis thankfully didn't comment on it and sat down next to me. We both drove in silence, but my thoughts were all about how sensitive Louis seemed right now. People had always mistaken him. They had always seen Louis as this tough guy who wasn't vulnerable at all, but Louis was so much more than that. Yeah, I had to admit, he seemed to be tough, but I had always known that he wasn't. On one side he was such a strong person, but on the other he was so emotional. It made me angry that people couldn't see who Louis really was, that they left Louis all to himself too many times because they thought he could handle it all. I felt a bit guilty that I was being so harsh to him right now, but after what he had done, this was the best I could do. 

____________________

"Wait here, I'll grab you a blanket and a pillow," I said, my voice sounding a bit more friendly as Louis sat down on our couch. Louis nodded without saying anything. I wondered if he was mad at me for snapping at him, but I decided not to ask. 

When I returned a few minutes later he was already asleep, fully clothed. I placed the blanket over him, before I carefully lifted his head to place the pillow right below his head. I didn't know why, but I stroked over his hair. It was as soft as always. Louis looked so peaceful. I traced my fingers gently over his cheek as I watched his chest rising and falling, matching the breaths he took. I wished for nothing more than to be able to hate him. I knew this would be the only way to get over him, but at the same time I knew it wouldn't happen.

 I pressed a light kiss to his forehead and whispered a soft _good night_. What the fuck was I doing? I couldn't just...fuck, whatever. I couldn't take it back now. I slipped off my shoes next to the couch and started heading for my room, but Louis' soft voice stopped me dead in my tracks. I wasn't sure if he was talking in his sleep or if he was awake and it was the alcohol talking, but I couldn't tear myself away from his words.

"It's all his fucking fault...all Max's fault. He ruined everything...just wanted to be happy with Haz...I hurt him too much..."

I swallowed and left quickly, going to my room and not even bothering to take off my sweats before crawling under the covers and clutching a pillow to my chest.  I couldn't contain the tears anymore and let them stream down my cheeks silently. I missed him so much - I simply missed everything. I missed his touches and his soft voice and his laugh and his smile where his eyes got all crinkly and his sparkly eyes that didn't sparkle anymore. 

Somehow I had to manage to get along with him, not only because we had to work together now, but also because I knew I would never be able to hate him. There was no way that I could avoid him forever, and there was no way that I could just stop myself from feeling...but I had to get ahold of myself around him. I had to control my emotions. Maybe I was wrong all the time. Maybe we were never supposed to fall in love, maybe we were simply supposed to be friends. I didn't know if I was able to get to this point, but I had to give it a try. Louis had made a lot of mistakes in the past, but keeping the love-side away, he had always been a great friend. I was sure our friendship would never be like it was before, but maybe I could manage to be in the same room with him for longer than 10 minutes without wanting to cry or scream. I felt my eyelids getting more heavy with every second and after a final yawn, I drifted into a light sleep.

____________

I got woken by my alarm clock only one hour later. It was only six in the morning, but my shift was starting soon. Avoiding any thought about last night, I rolled out of bed. After I took a quick shower, I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and a simple sweater, heading out towards the kitchen. Louis was still asleep as I walked past him, and I considered waking him up and kicking him out, but I simply couldn't do it. I knew I would have to explain this to Nick later, but I was sure I could handle that a lot better than knowing that Louis wasn't wandering around the streets of London at six in the morning...I doubted that Liam would be awake to let him in.

"Morning, Harry."

I jumped as I entered the kitchen. I wasn't expecting anyone to be up yet. I turned on the light and blinked a few times until my eyes got used to the brightness. Nick had been sitting in the dark, watching the sun rise. 

"Why are you up already? Isn't it a bit too early?" I asked Nick as I filled the kettle with water.

"Couldn't sleep," he answered.

"Me neither. Do you want a tea as well?" I asked, barely containing a tired yawn.  Nick nodded.

"Do you want to explain why Louis is sleeping on our couch?" he said, stepping next to me and fumbling for two cups in the shelf above our heads. Straight to the point, Nick.

"I'll explain it to you after work. I just can't do that right now," I mumbled as I filled a glass with orange juice and fumbled for some pain killers. Nick nodded understandingly. 

"Can you do me a favor Nick?" I spoke up again after a while. 

"Sure what is it, Haz?"

"Can you give him a ride home after he wakes up?" I looked at him, hoping he would say yes. 

Nick eyed me for a few moments before he nodded his head. 

"Thank you. I owe you." I exclaimed pulling him into a tight hug. That was definitely what I needed right now and Nick seemed to notice that as well, because he held me close. 

"Are you alright, Haz?," he asked after a while, looking at me with concern, and I just nodded. 

"Yeah ... yeah, m'fine. It was just a tough night, that's all," I said, before I grabbed the glass of orange juice and the medicine and carried them over to the table in front of the couch, where I placed them carefully. I looked down at Louis, who was still sleeping peacefully. He always had looked like an angel when he was sleeping. 

I tore my gaze away form him, waved a quick goodbye to Nick, and headed for the front door. This was going to be a long awful day. 

____________________

A week has passed since the late night incident. I hadn't seen Louis since then and was kind of thankful for that. Liam had apologized about a hundred times, saying that he had turned his phone off and that I didn't have to do that. I rolled my eyes at this because what I was I supposed to do? It was still winter and I couldn't leave him by himself. Louis had asked Liam to thank me for being nice but, I was pretty sure he couldn't remember a lot of what had happened, since he had been too drunk to take off his shoes, let alone remember what had been said or done.

Nick had scheduled another meeting for the big play during lunch today, since we all were kinda busy for the rest of the week, but when I spotted Nick in the hallway, I knew something was up. His face was pale and he looked very unwell.

"Fuck, are you alright?" I asked as I reached for his forehead to check if he was running a fever. 

"Yeah I'm fine...just not feeling that well. Might have eaten something bad," Nick mumbled, sounding terribly exhausted.

"Nick, you're running a fever. You have to go home!" I said, worried.

"No...I can't go home. Big meetings today," he claimed, looking like he was about to throw up any second.

"Nick. I'm gonna call David to pick you up. You can't work like that - and no arguing with me!" I countered sternly. He looked like was about to say something, but I shot him a glare to shut him up. Only 10 minutes after I had called David, he showed up to take Nick home. Nick handed me a few notes for the scheduled meeting for the play before David lead him out of the building, his arm around his waist. 

When I checked my watch I almost threw up myself. Fuck, I was already 5 minutes late. I hurried over to the cafeteria where I spotted Louis sitting at a table all by himself. Thank god I wasn't the only one who was late, but in the same moment I realized that this meant I had to talk to Louis all by myself until the others showed up. I quickly grabbed a bowl of chicken salad before I made my way over to him.

"Hey," I said shyly as I sat down across from him.

"Hi," Louis replied, and I could swear he was blushing a bit. 

"Um, Nick just went home sick...and Finn has it bad too...seems like I have to handle you and your assistants all by myself," I tried to ease the tension, but I knew I was failing miserably. 

"Oh..." Louis said nervously. "...um, seems like it's only the two of us then. The others got sick as well. There's a stomach bug going around on campus."

"Oh..." I answered, getting a bit nervous. I mean, I thought I would be able to handle all of it by myself because I wasn't alone with Louis, but it looked like this wouldn't work out like I wanted it to. There was a moment of silence.

"Harry?" Louis spoke up carefully after a while.

"Hm?"

"I...I just wanted to say thank you. For...um...what you did last week. I am so sorry that I called you in the middl-" he started to say, but I cut him off sharply, sounding incredibly rude. 

"It's okay, Louis. Really."

He nodded, but he was looking sad. Well done, Styles. My mind and my heart had an inner conflict. My mind told me that I shouldn't be sorry, that he was the one who had fucked up. But my heart clenched at the sight of sad Louis. Before my mind could catch up to my body, I reached over the table and grabbed his forearm. Louis head shot up, our eyes locking. I hesitated for a moment but eventually spoke up, not letting go.

"Okay listen, Louis. I told you this last week, but I doubt you can remember it so I'll say it again. Stop thinking I hate you. I hate that you hurt me over and over again, but I could never hate you as a person. But trust me, I wish I could, because it would make things a lot easier. I...I think we have to somehow get used to this new situation. We have to manage to get along, not only because we have to work together for about half a year, but because you're the brother of my best friend. I can't avoid you forever and you can't avoid me either. Don't expect me to to jump of joy when we meet, because this is fucking hard for me. But I will try to control my anger and all of the other emotions and you should try to act more normal as well, okay?" I rambled nervously as I squeezed his forearm. "I do _not_  hate you, Louis. I promise."

Louis looked at me like he had seen a ghost. Seems like he didn't expect anything like that to come out of my mouth. He hesitated for a second before finding his voice. 

"Thank you. I don't deserve this," he said and I nodded, encouraging him to continue. "I...I know I messed up and I...I understand that you're mad at me. I really get that...I...You...You are right. We have to try to get used to this situation. I just want to say...I'm sorry, Haz. I am truly sorry for everything."

I could feel the tears that were building up my eyes. _Get your shit together, Styles. You're already failing miserably at this_! I swallowed hard and nodded again to show Louis that I had understoond everything. I cleared my throat, swallowing the tears.

"Okay. Since we have s-sorted that out. Um, what do you think about the sketches of the costumes Nick has shown you so far?"

 

Louis and I somehow managed to talk about all of his wishes and my imaginations of all of the costumes for over an hour. It was weird at first, but at a certain point we were so into work that we forgot everything around us and our fucked up situation. 

Maybe this was it - maybe this was a new beginning.


	28. Chapter 28 - Happy Birthday

I awoke on February 1st to the smell of something delicious cooking in the kitchen. I hadn't expected Nick to get up, considering he still felt extremely sick, but then who else would be cooking? I stumbled out of bed, not even bothering to put clothes on yet, and walked out to the kitchen. Nick actually was up, sitting at the table next to a very well made cake, and David was in the kitchen, flipping something on the fryer.

"Happy birthday, Haz!" Nick said, going into a small fit of coughing right after. He looked slightly better but still really sick, and I crossed my fingers in an x in front of my face and backed away. He gave me the middle finger and I chuckled a bit, sitting down next to him.

"Yes, indeed. Happy birthday, Harry! I made you breakfast...one of my favorite small meals to eat back in the day. I hope you like it...Nick told me what your favorite things were in breakfast stir fry..." David set a plate and a glass of water down in front of me hopefully, and I just stood up, pulling David into a hug. He seemed surprised but hugged me back just as tightly.

"Thank you both...did you make the cake or did you buy it?" I asked as I drank a bit of water, eyeing the cake. It looked too professional to not have been bought, but Nick grinned. 

"David knows a thing or two about cake decorating...I made the actual cake part though. Wanted to make you something special. You deserve at least that, if not more." Nick offered, sniffing but still smiling, and despite not wanting to get sick, I hugged him too...at least until he sneezed and I jumped away from him a quickly as I could.

My phone buzzed and I picked it up lazily, my heart jumping into my throat when I saw who it was. My whole body must have gone rigid, because David put a hand on my shoulder in concern. I swallowed and drank some water to keep calm. I shouldn't be having these reactions to Louis' texts anymore, but it was like I couldn't control it. Guess it was gonna be like this for a while. 

_L: H, want to see what costumes you've come up with so far, fabrics and such. Can I come over after classes?_

I looked up at David, who's lips had formed a tight line as he read the text over my shoulder, but he didn't have any other reaction, other than walking back into the kitchen to clean up. I responded quickly.

_H: Yeah, sure. After play practice I guess._

I ate the rest of my food until my plate was clean, and David came to collect it, his smile bright as he looked at the completely empty plate. I was definitely getting much better, though some days were harder than others. But David was helping, portioning my food so that I never felt overwhelmed. I'd have to ask him how he knew what to do later. 

"I've gotta get dressed...shit, I'll be back out soon." I called as I sprinted for my room, realizing that I was still in my pajamas and my hair was everywhere. I looked down at my phone and cursed...I was going to be late. I flew into my room and grabbed a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a white t-shirt and hurried on to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later I was dressed and my hair looked halfway decent, which was the best I could do in that kind of record time. With a shouted goodbye to Nick and David, I ran out the door and flagged down the bus just in time.

________________

"Happy birthday!" The shouts filled my ears the moment I walked into the theatre; the entire cast and crew  were standing on the stage with a handmade banner and big smiles. I actually smiled a real smile and walked up to the front, where everyone was already hurrying off to their spots.

"How the fuck did they know..." I mumbled to myself as I walked up the stairs on the side of the stage and headed backstage to the sewing machine. I plopped down and pulled out what I had been working on most vigorously...the dress for the lead. I placed it on my lap and ran my hand over the fabric, letting it slide through my fingers with a small smile. Out of all the pieces I was making, this was going to be my pride and joy...and no, not just cause Louis said I could do it well...that didn't have any affect on how I did my work...none at all.

"I told them, that's how." said a voice from behind me, and I shoved the dress into my bag so fast that I almost ripped it. I turned around to see Louis standing there a bit sheepishly, looking at me through his fringe. I swallowed down my usual fear and anger and sadness, which had become more bearable but still existent, and stood up. 

"But...but how did you..." I stuttered and Louis shrugged.

"I've known you since you were what...five? Six? I think it's basically my job to know when your birthday is, yeah?"

I didn't say anything to that...I had figured that, what with everything that had happened over the past years that my birthday would be the first thing he would have forgotten. But apparently, I was mistaken.

"Well...better get out there, they are gonna need a director..." Louis said awkwardly, pointing to the stage and starting to turn away from me.

"Wait..." I called, and he turned immediately, looking at me with those bright blue eyes. "I...umm...thank you. For the, uh, birthday wishes...and stuff. Yeah." He smiled and came walking back towards me. I thought about backing away, but I was going to be strong. We were supposed to be getting along, and me running wouldn't help that. He stopped in front of me and reached around me to the desk, where a vase of flowers was sitting. He plucked one, and his hands moved towards my head. I flinched, and he pulled back a bit, looking hesitant.

"M'not gonna hurt you...just wanna...may I?" He asked, and very hesitantly, I nodded. His fingers carded through my hair and then he pulled back, a small smile playing around his lips. "Looks good on you, Harry. Um...happy birthday..." He turned and dashed away, and I let out the breath that I hadn't known I was holding in. I turned and looked in a dusty mirror on the wall. A white daisy was placed carefully in my curls right above my ear. I watched my reflection as a deep blush covered my cheeks and I tore my gaze away, fumbling with my fingers as I sat back down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the crazy grin that came over my face, like a fucking giddy school girl. Even though my stomach was churning with the nerves of having Louis that close to me so soon after breaking my heart, my heart felt like maybe, just maybe, it was starting to mend already. 

________________

Rehearsal ended a bit later than usual, but it didn't matter for me because I was just going home after. I picked up all my things and packed them neatly in my bag, feeling lighter than I had in ages.

"Harry, wait up!" 

I turned to see the lead, a rather attractive guy named Jacob,  walking towards me, his hair doing the little floppy thing into his eyes. Come to think of it, Louis' hair did the same thing, but that was beside the point. He caught up with me and caught my elbow, smiling.

"Wanted to offer my personal happy birthday to you, mate."

"Thanks, Jake. You're great out there, you know? Good option for the lead." I replied, and Jacob smiled widely, his brown eyes sparkling at the praise.

"You really think so? Wow, that's so cool to hear that!" He gave my elbow a little squeeze and I chuckled at his enthusiasm. My smile, however, faded a bit as I looked over Jacob's shoulder and caught sight of Louis. He was standing by the back stage door, glaring in my direction. I was sure that he wasn't looking at me, because the expression on his face was one I knew all too well, and nothing that I had done was causing that...it was Jacob. Louis was fucking jealous, and not doing a good job of hiding it.

"Of course, Jacob. No one better for the role than an attractive Uni student such as yourself. Better go now...my flatmate is sick and I've got to take care of him, and I've got costumes to work on. Have a nice night!"

"Of course, you too, Harry! Happy birthday again! And nice flower...suits you!" Jacob called, hurrying off towards the stairs. I hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and walked over to where Louis was standing, still looking a bit angry.

"Louis, what are you doing?" I asked, just as a courtesy to see if he would actually tell me or if he was going to hold back as always. Louis shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. Okay...so he was keeping his silence. Wonderful. I wasn't sure why, but suddenly I felt angry at him. He had no right to be jealous of anyone speaking to me. Not after what he had done multiple times, even if most of them had been misunderstandings. 

"Didn't like the way he was standing so close to you..." Louis spat out eventually, and I had to contain an eye roll with extreme difficulty.

"Look. You really don't have anything to be jealous of, and don't even say you aren't jealous because I've known you a long time and I can tell when you are. And on that note, you don't really have a right to be jealous anyway...we are not dating anymore, so you need to stay in your lane and back off. Jacob had no intention of coming on to me, and even if he did, it wouldn't be up to you to stop him or be upset with him for it."

Louis stood there staring at me, his mouth open a little in astonishment. I could feel myself starting to feel self-conscious and in the back of my mind, I almost regretted saying what I did, but all of it was true, even if it was painful to think about the fact that we really weren't dating or together in any romantic way anymore. 

"I...I didn't mean to...that's not what I..." Louis stuttered, but I just held up my hand. I didn't really want to hear him apologize.

"Just...don't worry about it. It's fine." There was now a lump starting to form in my throat, and I nudged past Louis and out into the cold, where I headed for the bus stop, trying to rid my mind of the image of the hurt in Louis' eyes.

________________

When I arrived at home, it was to see David and Nick cuddled on the couch, Nick snuggled up against David's chest and fast asleep. I nodded to David, who gave me a tired smile, and then headed right for my room. In my haste to get away from Louis, I had almost forgotten that he was coming over as soon as his final class was done to look over all of the things I had made for him so far. For some reason, as I sat down at my own sewing machine and pulled out all of the different items, my hands were shaking. I was nervous about Louis coming over. I had yelled at him when, only an hour or so before that incident, he had been nice to me...what kind of a person did that make me?

I tried for a good thirty minutes to get to work on the final dress for the lead, but I just couldn't get it right, and I finally gave up, putting it away and setting up the rest of the clothes on my bed by outfit and character. I then sat down at my desk and pulled out my journal from the locked drawer in the center. I opened it to a fresh page, trying to ignore how my fingers glossed over the pictures in the center of the book...I really didn't have time to think about that or him right now. I picked up a pen and started writing, and pretty soon I was lost in it, writing down how I felt and what I was confused about, which, when it came to Louis, was pretty much everything. 

_He cheated on me. I literally saw him do it, and while he seemed to be enjoying it, and while he has done things to its liking before in the past, he is still being nice to me. Trying to win me over by wooing me or something, and I'm so confused. My feelings for Louis will never go away, no matter how hard I try, and I want to be with him so bad it hurts, but how can I be with someone who causes me that much pain...who caused me to become this mess that I am in the first place? I can't just go off and date him the moment he is kind to me...but sometimes I want to, so fucking bad. Sometimes I just want to forget him, forget all the pain he caused me...sometimes when I can't feel the pain I want to cause more of it, just so that I can feel something! I'm completely stuck with him and there's no way out and I just don't know what to -_

Someone touched my shoulder very lightly and I jumped, my pen sliding across the paper in a diagonal line, and my jolt causing my knee to hit the desk and for my journal to fall on the floor. I whipped my head around to see who it was, and was met with blue eyes.

"L-Louis...what...how did you..." I stumbled for words, trying to calm down after the near heart attack he gave me, but Louis wasn't paying attention now. He had knelt down to pick up my journal, and he was frozen, staring at the page that it had opened to when it hit the floor. I almost choked on air when I realized that he was staring at the middle of the book, the one place _I_ barely wanted to see, let alone have him see it. 

I had made a picture collage of us after we had gotten together...just things that made me happy when I was with him, pictures from when we were younger, pictures of us smiling, everything...even little notes of how he made me feel and what some of the pictures were related to. It was to mark the start of a new and happy beginning...a dream that had been crushed the moment I walked into that kitchen. But, despite all of the tears and sad thoughts that had been put into this journal since then, I had never once thought of ripping it out...I guess it was a constant reminder of what I'd had, when I had been happy.

"I...here. Sorry." Louis jolted out of his trance and stood back up, closing the journal at once and holding it out to me. I reached out to take it from him and our hands brushed briefly. I blushed horribly and looked away, putting the journal away and locking the drawer. Louis didn't say a word, but his head stayed down and he was fiddling with his fingers. The awkward silence stretched out until Louis finally spoke again. "David let me in...earlier, I mean. When I scared you, and you asked how I got in...yeah."

"Oh...okay." I mumbled, still not wanting to look at him. The pain that had been going away day by day was resurfacing deep in my chest and I had to fight to keep my voice normal. "Umm...so the clothes...they are on my bed...sorted by character and all that. You can take a look if you want."

Louis tried for a smile and walked over to my bed, looking down and inspecting the clothes. At that moment, David appeared in the doorway, his eyes flitting over the scene. He beckoned for me to come over to him and I did, keeping an eye on Louis as he wrote things down in a notebook, feeling the fabrics and inspecting every inch of them.

"You alright, Haz?" he asked in an undertone, and I nodded, even though I wasn't sure if I truly felt okay or not.

"Yeah...m'good."

"Okay...gonna go ahead and cut the cake...we can sing after he leaves, but I figured...yeah."

"Maybe he...maybe he can stay?" I asked, and David's eyebrows went up. I shrugged and mouthed _courtesy for guests_ before shooing him out and going over to Louis, who was done looking at the clothes and was consulting his notes. 

"Did I do alright?" I asked, quite nervously. This almost made me more nervous than showing an professor...at least they had to say things in a way that made it sound like suggestions...Louis was not the type of person to soften the blow.

"I honestly think everything looks great. The fabrics are really nice and the patterns and quality of the make...almost perfect. You and Nick did a really good job on all of these." He replied, looking up at me and smiling for real this time. I blushed at the praise and nodded in thanks.

"You...you wanna come out for cake? David's just cutting it..."

Louis looked hesitant, but I gave him a small smile and a nod and he followed me slowly out into the kitchen. Nick was awake now, and although he was still sitting on the couch, he managed to throw Louis a glare from over the top, something that only I noticed.

"Maybe some tea too?" I offered as I walked towards the kitchen. 

"Yeah, sure. Umm, could I have it with milk-"

"But no sugar...I know, Lou." The nickname slipped casually through my lips and I pressed my lips together hard. I looked back at him and could have sworn that his cheeks were tinged with red, but it may have just been the lighting. I hurried into the kitchen and put the kettle on, trying to ignore the annoying pain in my chest. The fact that I still knew that...it was so fucking domestic and I both hated and prided myself on knowing it. But then again, I could never forget anything about Louis, even something as small as how he took his tea.

I came back out and David had already placed two pieces of cake on the table, one in front of Louis and one at an empty seat for me. He had already gone over to the couch to sit with Nick, who had sat up and accepted his cake with a smile and a kiss to David's cheek. Louis was watching them almost wistfully until I placed the cup of tea down in front of him, and he looked up with a nod of thanks. We ate in silence, but Louis only took a few bites before he stood up, draining his tea in one gulp.

"I should go...Liam is bringing Zayn over...wants the three of us to have dinner...you could come if you like..." He offered, but I shook my head.

"I really shouldn't...I have things I need to work on here..." What I didn't say was that I couldn't just sit in his house and watch Liam and Zayn being all coupley and knowing that I was sitting next to someone who I used to have that with but didn't anymore...that was way too much for me to handle.

"Oh...okay...maybe next time then." Louis said this with a halfhearted smile and went for the door, calling out a polite goodbye and thank you to David for the cake. When he was gone, I sighed and cleaned up his spot at the table, heading back to my room for the night. I worked a while on the dress, finally having inspiration, and then I went to grab a shower before bed. It was only then that I noticed that the white daisy was still in my hair. I carefully took it out and, against my better judgement, unlocked the drawer in my desk, pulled out my journal, and pressed the flower between two pages in the back. Biting my lip, I left the journal on the desk and went to take a shower. 

________________

Next morning I was woken by the shrill ringing of my phone, which somehow had ended up under my pillow. I groaned, surprised that I had actually gotten decent sleep for once, and rolled over, swiping right on the answer button and lifting it to my ear.

"Hullo?" I mumbled, still not fully awake, but when the voice on the other end answered, my eyes shot open and I sat up like a rocket, my heart pounding.

"Hey...sorry, did I wake you up? I didn't know if you were asleep or if you couldn't sleep cause...yeah, umm...sorry." Louis sounded very hesitant and stuttery on the other end, and I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wake myself up. Half asleep, I had no idea what would come out of my mouth, and I definitely didn't want to say anything I'd regret. 

"No, no, m'fine...I mean it's fine...what's up?" I inwardly cursed myself for sounding like a complete idiot, but Louis didn't seem to notice...that or he was ignoring it, and if that was the case, I was extremely grateful.

"Well, I just called Finn, but he's still pretty sick, and I really wanted to try some of the costumes on the actors, just so we can see if we are headed in the right direction with what you've done and the vision I have...if that's okay with you..."

"Wait...you want me with you? To look at the costumes, I mean?" I asked slowly, still trying to comprehend everything that was going on. I almost thought I heard Louis chuckle on the other end, but the next second he was speaking again.

"Yeah, definitely. I didn't want to do it by myself, and you have a good eye...could we meet around ten?"

"Mmm...yeah, that's fine. Gives me...fuck..." I checked the clock on the wall and cursed loudly. I only had fifteen minutes to get ready.

"Umm...if you're not ready, we can change the time..." Louis started to offer, but I shook my head, forgetting for a moment that he couldn't actually see me. 

"No, I'll be ready. See you soon. I'll bring the stuff. Yeah...bye, Lou." I let the nickname slip once again and in my panic, I just hung up, leaping out of bed and running to the bathroom. No time for shaving or a shower...I almost never let my facial hair grow past a tiny bit of stubble, but I really didn't have time, so I was gonna have to just deal with it today. I pulled on my ripped skinny jeans and a faded Rolling Stones t-shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, which was a new thing that I had just recently discovered that I could do, and brushed my teeth while pulling boots onto my feet. I carefully but quickly folded all the costumes and threw them in a bag, pulling it over my shoulder quickly and heading for my door.

I flew down the hallway, grabbing a coat and calling a goodbye to Nick and David before sprinting to catch the bus, feeling a few curls come loose from my bun. I must have looked like a right mess, but at this point, I didn't have much time to focus on that. I was already late.

When I got to the theatre and pushed through the back door, panting, Louis was standing right there, almost as if he had been waiting for me. I bent over and put my hands on my knees, trying to breathe.

"Slow down, Haz...told you not to hurry. Here." I smelled a whiff of tea...my favorite kind of tea, and stood up to my full height, looking at Louis with confusion. Louis didn't move...he was just staring at me, his eyes wider than usual and his mouth slightly open. He looked very shocked, and a blush started to form on my cheeks as I realized what he was staring at...guess I looked more horrible than I had originally thought. He shook himself out of his trance and nudged my hand and I looked down to see the cup of tea he was trying to give me. "I could tell by your voice that you just got up...figured you wouldn't have time to eat breakfast or anything so I...umm, I brought some tea and biscuits, fresh from the bakery, if you want any." 

His voice was soft and hesitant, which had become his usual when he was around me now and I stared at him for a beat more before taking the tea, trying not to let our hands touch in the process. I really didn't need to be arguing with myself this early in the morning. 

"C'mon...I set up chairs and a table for us. Everyone is waiting in the dressing rooms." Louis said, heading out onto the stage, and I walked towards the dressing room, hoisting my bag onto my shoulder. I knocked before entering and everyone smiled when they saw me, all of them crowding me as I started to pull out costume after costume, calling out the name of each character as I did so. The boys already had jeans on, and most of the girls, save for a few, had skinny jeans or leggings on as well, so it was mostly shirts and dresses that I was passing out.

"I'll be out here, just come out when you're ready. Also tell me if there's anything I need to fix size wise, and I'll make a list." I said, sounding more confident than I felt. Sure, I had made clothes for a class before and they had been graded by how they looked on a mannequin, but to have actual people trying them on, telling me whether they liked them or not...and especially having Louis see all of it...it made me very nervous.

I walked out of the room as everyone started to pull on the clothes and hurried onto the stage, sipping the tea that Louis had gotten for me and trying not to watch the way Louis' delicate fingers picked up a biscuit. I sat down next to him, not moving, because I both wanted to distance myself from him and get closer, neither of which I could do without giving him the wrong idea.

He pushed the plate of biscuits over towards me, nodding encouragingly, and for once, I didn't hesitate to take one, though I took my good old time taking small bites of it at a time. I really was hungry, but my brain still hesitated at the thought of food.

"Okay, we're ready!" someone called from behind the curtain, and Louis smiled, looking over at me with excitement. 

"One at a time, then! I'll call you by character." Louis said, and he consulted his list, pulling out the right sketches for the character before calling out their name. The first guy came on stage and Louis dropped his biscuit in shock. I stopped mid-sip of tea, just staring. He looked absolutely fantastic, the red of the shirt looking stunning with his skin tone and with his hair color. It fit him in all the right places, and I honestly couldn't believe for a moment that I had made that...I had created that look from a sketch that was admittedly horribly drawn.

"Holy fucking shit..." Louis mumbled through a mouthful of biscuit, and I swallowed the tea, feeling the burn in my throat. "That...that's perfect. Exactly it...fuck, Harry, you...wow." He seemed completely lost for words, and I ducked my head, trying not to show how much I was blushing right now. I had to admit, it looked good...really good.

"Yeah, fits nicely, nice fabric. Great job, Harry!" the actor said, smiling at me before Louis gave him the thumbs up and he walked out. Louis mumbled to himself, taking a huge swig of tea before calling out the next person. Again, the fabric flowed nicely on all of her curves and definitely brought out her eyes, which was what I had been going for with that particular piece. Louis just gaped at her, fumbling for words, and I just smiled a bit, feeling proud of my work. That was a feeling I didn't often experience and it was really nice. 

Louis called out three more people and deemed them all perfect, but when the first girl in a dress came on, I almost choked. The fabric was fine, but the way it fit was...absolutely horrid. I had followed exactly what Louis had said in his instructions, but it didn't fit her at all, in any way, shape, or form. That and her facial expression was enough for me to know that this was an absolute fail. I looked over at Louis and he was slowly chewing the last biscuit, his fingers tapping nervously on the table as he studied her. He turned to look at me and caught my eye and we both just stared at each other for a second, neither one of us speaking up. And then we just burst into laughter...very loud laughter. I held onto the desk for support and Louis wiped his eyes, shaking his head as the girl started to protest.

"No, no, love, we aren't laughing at you, I promise. It's just...wow, Harry, did I really tell you to make that?"

I caught my breath before trying to respond, my face bright red from laughing so hard. "Yeah. Followed your instructions exactly, and the measurements you gave me...but it just...wow, I'm sorry."

"Don't be...it was my fault for such a horrible design. Love, go take that off, we'll make a new one, don't worry."

She left rather happily, wanting nothing more than to get that dress off, and I turned to Louis, still laughing under my breath. "Maybe next time we should collaborate on that a bit more..."

"I agree...that was a horrible choice...sorry for wasting your time on making that."

"Oh, no, it's fine. I'm sure I can fix it up and make it work for her. No big deal." I answered, and we both started laughing again, still not able to get over how ridiculous that had just been. It felt natural, comfortable, and for the first time, I thought that maybe being friends would work out for us a bit...this was definitely progress in the right direction. 


	29. Chapter 29 - Surprise

"Harry, I told you I'm really sorry, but I really need to grab those papers before we can head out for dinner," Liam explained as stood in the elevator. I didn't bother responding because I knew there was no point. When Liam had his mind set on something, we had to get it done or I'd never hear the end of it.  After what seemed an eternity, Liam and I had finally planned on spending a whole evening on our own. Just him and me, like we used to before he was dating Zayn. I'd be lying if I said the whole thing with Louis hadn't affected our friendship at all. We barely spent time together and only talked on the phone every few days, and even those phone calls had changed. I mean, I was incredibly happy for Liam, but listening to him babble about the love bubble he and Zayn were in was torture to me. And besides that, I had nothing to talk to Liam about at all. Louis was a no go. I didn't want Liam to get in this uncomfortable situation and have to choose sides. I was not going to force him away from his family, ever. So every time he tried to bring Louis up, I changed the subject at once. I truly missed my best friend and I was afraid that I would lose him if I kept acting like this. I knew that it was my behavior towards him that made this whole situation so awkward, but spending a whole day with Liam seemed like the perfect opportunity to clean up this whole mess.

When we reached the door to his flat, I sighed and leaned against the wall. "I swear, I don't know why I even came up here...it's you who forgot the papers in the first place, why couldn't you come get them yourself?" 

"You're my best friend. You'd die for me, and besides, the more time I get to spend with you, the better." he countered happily before pressing a over-dramatic kiss on my cheek.

"Eww," I complained playfully, wiping over the spot that Liam had kissed. "Boy spit."

Liam chuckled as he put the key into the lock. It was only then that I realized that Louis might be home, and despite the fact that we had been getting along pretty well lately, I was still slightly uncomfortable. Sure - we had made some progression, but it was still weird to see him, and hard to ignore the stabs of pain in my chest that sometimes occurred when he looked at me with those eyes. It wasn't like the pain of what he did would just go away, and even though it felt like it was gone sometimes, it always came back. I tried to ignore the small part in my mind that was hoping for Louis to be home, because as badly as I wanted to see him, I knew that it would either end in an argument or worse, and I didn't need that right now, not when I was about to spend the evening with his brother. We didn't need that kind of tension. We stepped into a completely dark flat and just as Liam closed the door behind us the lights went on and a huge crowd of at least 20 people were shouting "Happy belated birthday, Harry!" I gaped at them. _What the fuck?_  I turned my head to face Liam, confusion and shock pulling my eyebrows together, and Liam just beamed at me. 

"Happy birthday, Harry," he laughed pulling me into a hug. I was still speechless, not able to process what was happening. I turned back to the crowd, looking around. Everyone was here: Zayn (of course), Niall and his girlfriend, Nick and David, and a few people from the play and...oh my fucking god... 

"GEMMA!" I nearly screamed as I sprinted forward to pull my sister into a tight hug. I hadn't seen her in what felt like ages. "Oh my god, what are you doing here?"

"My baby brother turns 21 only once in his life...figured I shouldn't miss out on all the fun," she replied, looking honestly happy and pecking my cheek lightly. 

"Oh my god. I...I fucking missed you, Gem!" I exclaimed, not wanting to let her go. 

"Missed you too, little brother. But you can let go of me now," she laughed, as did the people who had been watching us with amused looks on their faces. I blushed as I loosened my grip. 

"I...oh my god, guys. Thank you so so much. This is incredible," I said, my voice sounding choked up. I was incredibly overwhelmed. Never I would have guessed that anyone would plan anything like this for me. My eyes ghosted over the people, only hoping to meet my favorite pair of blue eyes. But my not so subtle wish remained unfulfilled. On one hand, I felt relieved that Louis wasn't here, but on the other hand, I was disappointed. I mean, we were just starting to get along and to my disliking, I literally begged for every minute I could have with him. Talking with him made me still uncomfortable somehow, but it simply felt like _home_  when Louis was around. This sounded so paradox, since Louis had cheated on me and  showed me that he was the last person I should trust with anything, especially my heart, but then I spotted him, sitting in the armchair which was standing in the corner of the living room. How did he get there? Louis hadn't been there before? As he spotted me, he gave me a small smile, mouthing _happy birthday_. I shyly smiled back before turning back to Liam, feeling a too-well-known warmth in my stomach. Gosh, I was so pathetic. 

"I think it's time for the cake!" Liam's voice interrupted my thoughts as Zayn carried a big cake into the living room and placed it on the table right in front of me. I gaped at the cake, hardly believing what I was seeing. It had two tiers and a nautical theme. The first level was wrapped in blue and white vertical stripes and it had a big banner on it's front saying H _appy 21st birthday, Hazza._ The level above had horizontal stripes. The whole cake was decorated with a bunch of red roses which reached from the top of the cake to the bottom. A big golden anchor was placed on top of the cake, pulling the entire thing together. I was speechless; it was the most beautiful cake I had ever seen. All my life, I wanted a cake like this...to be exact, I'd wanted one since the day Louis got a nautical cake for his 7th birthday. I could remember every detail of it and this cake now was simply a grown up version of it. I couldn't believe Liam had remembered that, even though I couldn't remember when I had mentioned it to him, but I just couldn't believe it, nor could I stop the tears from pricking at the corners of my eyes. 

The people around me started singing Happy Birthday and after they finished and Liam took a couple of photos of me beaming next to the cake, I cut it and handed out pieces of cake to my guests. It turned out to be a lemon-chocolate-mint cake, my absolute favorite at all. I even cut myself a piece of cake, shutting down the thoughts about my body. I watched the people talking to each other happily, a big smile on my face.

"Do you like it?" Liam asked, stepping next to me and wiping icing off his chin.

"Do I like it? Liam, this is the best birthday I had like in forever. And the cake...oh my god. How did you remember?" I babbled enthusiastically, my heart feeling about to burst out of happiness. I hadn't felt this alive in weeks. Liam put an arm around my shoulders, smiling a bit.

"You know, Haz. I'd really like to take credit for all of this, but it wouldn't be fair. It wasn't my idea at all and you know I love you, but how the fuck was I supposed to know that you wanted a nautical cake since we were little?" he said, and I turned to him.

"But how...then how did you...?" I looked at him, completely confused. 

"Is it that hard to guess?" Liam eyed me as he nudged his head carefully in Louis' direction. My mouth dropped open a bit before I forced it shut. "He cares for you more than anyone in here, maybe even more than me and I didn't think that was possible. Listen, I don't know what happened between the two of you, and I know it isn't my place to ask too many questions, but at least give him the chance to be your friend, Harry. You know I would never ask you to do something if I didn't think it was a good idea, but I promise you he'd never hurt you on purpose. Just give him a chance, okay? He didn't even want to come because he wasn't sure if you'd be okay with it, but I thought it would only be fair, since he did all the planning and organized the cake and stuff."

I gazed at him, not able to believe any word that just came out of his mouth. Of course Louis had remembered...he remembered everything about me.

"I don't know what to say..." I whispered, more to myself than to Liam. 

"You know what to do," Liam said suggestively, handing me a second plate of cake and pushing me slightly in the direction where Louis and Zayn were sitting. Louis looked beautiful as always, even though he looked incredibly tired. He was wearing a tight black skinny jeans, a white button up, and a black cardigan. I stopped my thoughts as I remembered all of the bad stuff that had happened between him and me. _Friends, Harry. Only friends._

I cleared my throat as I stepped in front of them. Both of their heads snapped around to meet my gaze. Zayn smiled at me before jumping up from his seat and making his way to the bathroom. _Very subtle, Zayn. Very subtle_. I placed the plates of cake on the small table next to the arm chair silently. Louis stood up as well, looking at me without saying anything. We had a lot of those moments in the past, where we just watched each other, no need to talk or anything. But instead of leaving, like I expected him to, he opened his mouth to speak.

"Um...I...I have something for you," he said in a soft tone, reaching for the back pocket of his jeans. He grabbed something that looked like a folded old picture and handed it to me, and as his shirt sleeve slid up, I noticed the leather bracelet on his arm - _our_ bracelet. He was still wearing it. I took a deep breath, trying to swallow the tears that were building up at the thought of it, and carefully unfolded the picture that I was holding and read what was written on the back.

_Happy birthday, Hazza. I thought this picture might fit into your collage. Louis x_

I turned the photo over and a small smile formed on my lips. It was a picture of Louis and me from his 7th birthday. We were both cuddled up on the floor, sleeping peacefully. Our foreheads were touching, and even though we were sleeping, we had small smiles on our faces. I didn't know what to say. Louis was so thoughtful and I wished for nothing more than that he didn't have to fuck up everything a few weeks ago. But Liam was right, I had to give him a chance as a friend. Without even thinking about the consequences, I wrapped my arms around Louis in a hug, burying my face in his neck. Louis apparently didn't reckon I'd do that, but after the first shock faded, his body relaxed and he wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me close to him. It seemed that neither of us ever wanted to let go again. 

"Thank you, Lou. Thank you so much for everything," I whispered, a single tear rolling down my cheek.  Louis didn't say anything at all, but held me even tighter. It was like feeling home. I felt safe, even though I shouldn't. I couldn't care less what this must have looked like, but this was what I needed. I needed him close to me. Not much speaking but just feeling his presence. I felt the side of my face getting wet. This couldn't be my tears. I leaned a bit back, only to realize that Louis eyes were teary as well. I buried my face in his neck again, not wanting to see him cry. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Louis' intention wasn't to play with me in the first place. All of this showed how much he cared for me. I mean, this didn't change the fact that he had betrayed me as my boyfriend, but at least this would not make it impossible to keep him as my friend. 

"I miss you so much, Hazza," I heard Louis whisper against my hair. "I am so fucking sorry. I...I am so sorry." He sounded so broken that my chest clenched even more. All I wanted was to be able to forgive him, but I know I couldn't, at least not yet.

"I know, Lou," I whispered back, pulling back so I could look at him. I took a deep breath, trying to fight the urge that was in my head. "I miss you too. Please let us be friends again. Please let us work this out. Promise me you do everything you can to make this happen."

Louis hugged me tight one last time before backing up, so he could face me.

"Pinky promise," he said holding out his pinky, a soft smile on his face. 

"Pinky promise," I sniffed, locking my pinky with his. 

The rest of the party was pretty amazing. All of us had a incredible time. It turned out that the boys had ordered some Chinese takeaway and some ice cream for everyone. For the first time in a very long time, I was able to eat with the others jauntily, earning heart warming and encouraging smiles from Nick and David. 

__________________________

When I woke up the next morning, I felt a bit dizzy, and when I looked around, I noticed that I wasn't home. I groaned as my head throbbed, which I mostly likely got because of all the beer that I had last night. Carefully, I took in my surroundings. I was still in the living room of Liam's and Louis' flat.  

"Good morning, Harry," Liam's cheerful voice resounded from the direction of the kitchen. I turned my head carefully to spot him standing in the doorway, his hair still damp from showering. 

"Morning," I replied in a croaky voice, hiding myself under the blanket that was placed over me. I couldn't remember where I got it from, but couldn't care less right now...I just wanted to go back to sleep. 

"Get up, sleepy head. Louis told me you have to be at the theatre for the fitting in about 50 minutes, and I figured you'd like to take a shower first," he said, sounding closer than he did before. 

"Oh, fuck. I have to get home. I have nothing to change into..." I exclaimed, jumping up from the couch I was laying on and swaying a bit as my head spun. Wow, I hated hangovers. 

"Calm down, curly. I can borrow you some stuff. It isn't like I haven't done that before," Liam said with a chuckle. 

"Um...okay. Thank you," I responded in a tired voice, about to sit down again, but Liam grabbed my arm. 

"Nope. You'll get a nice warm shower now and I'll make us some breakfast. How does that sound?" he suggested, smiling at me cheerfully.

"Sounds good, yeah," I lied, feeling sick at the thought of eating. It wasn't just that I was worried about my weight, but food while having a hangover never went well for me. I was pretty sure Liam noticed my discomfort, but he didn't say anything. He always avoided that topic, just like I avoided talking about Louis.

"Choose anything you want from my closet. And don't worry about running into anyone, Zayn already went out to get some fruit and bread," he added before disappearing into the kitchen. 

When I entered the kitchen after my shower,  Liam, Zayn, and Louis were already sitting at the table, digging into their food.

"Morning, Haz," Zayn and Louis greeted me when I sat down on the empty chair next to Liam. 

"Morning," I mumbled, still feeling dizzy. _Damn alcohol_. 

"You look like you got rolled over by a train," Zayn chuckled as he noticed my lack of enthusiasm.

"I feel like it as well. I think I had too much beer last night..." I countered sleepily. 

"Here, eat some healthy stuff! It will help you, promise," Liam beamed at me, reaching over the table to hand me a bowl of Greek yogurt and fruit.  _Could be worse_. And Liam was right. After I had finished my bowl of fresh fruits, I felt a lot better and more motivated. 

"Um...Harry," Louis spoke up checking his phone. "I think we already missed the bus, but I can give us a ride in my car, so we won't be late for the rehearsal."

"Umm...sure, thanks," I said, feeling incredibly awkward. Nothing much had happened as far as interaction between us after the hug yesterday. But I knew that we definitely had to work on this friendship-thingy, so there was no place for another one of my breakdowns. I could have sworn Louis blushed a bit, and I couldn't help thinking about how cute it was. 

___________________

Two hours later, I was working backstage on some of the costumes while Louis and the Nick were in the front, watching the rehearsal and talking about which costumes needed to be changed. My mind kept drifting to Louis over and over again. It was like my heart and my mind were having an inner fight and I was in the middle of it. My mind told me over and over again that I shouldn't feel that safe when I was around Louis. He had cheated on me and he had hurt me multiple times, even though he promised he wouldn't do that ever again. Even though I was pretty sure now that he hadn't played with me on purpose, I still shouldn't trust him. I was convinced now that this was a false assumption that I had made out of the overflow of emotions, but even that didn't change the fact that he had cheated on me. Contrary to that, however, my heart was on a completely different level. Every time I saw Louis, I got this feeling in my stomach that I always used to get when I was around him. And in contrast to a few weeks ago I wasn't about to cry every time I saw him; in fact, it was almost like I was excited to see him. Inhaling his scent and watching all those little things that made him so perfect were some of the most amazing things about being around him. I wished I could be stronger and keep some distance from him, just to protect myself, but I simply couldn't. It was like gravity was making it impossible to stay away from him, like we were magnets or something. I even caught myself laughing at some of the stupid jokes he made during breakfast and on the way to the theatre. I knew it was wrong. I knew I couldn't let this happen. I had to stop my feelings before he could hurt me again, but how could I stop them? Was it even possible? Could we manage to be just friends? I sighed. 

"Well, would you look who we have here..." a voice, one that I hated more than anything else, sneered, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up from the sewing machine, and, just as I had feared, saw Max standing in the doorway. My chest ached with the pain of losing Louis to this dick, and I clenched my fists under the table, not wanting to see how much his presence was actually affecting me. What was he doing here? And then it clicked in my head. Of course. He was here for Louis. How could I have been that dumb? Why didn't I even spend a thought on the possibility of them being a couple? My heart cracked into hundreds of pieces. My mind snorting at me triumphant _Told ya so_. I didn't respond to Max, but concentrated on the costume again instead. I didn't have to talk to him if I didn't want to, and even if I had wanted to, I wasn't sure that anything would actually come out.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, Mr. Pathetic," he said, grabbing the costume that was laying next to the sewing machine. I stopped what I was doing and glared at him. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

"Can you put that down, please?" I said in a voice of forced calm and politeness, my heart aching and my throat tight. I hated the sound of his voice.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you," he spoke up again, staring at me with a cold facial expression.

"I...I said put it down," I repeated myself with a shaky voice, doing my best not to cringe away from him. 

"You mean on the floor? Because that's where garbage is supposed to be, _fatty,_ " Max sneered, throwing the costume on the floor. "Oops."

His words cut through me like a knife, reminding me of all the horrible things that I had ever thought about myself...no, I couldn't break down right now...fuck. I looked down at my lap, not saying anything. It was like I had forgotten how to speak.

"Pathetic," Max snorted scornfully, but in that moment, Louis' voice resounded from the door angrily.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Louis! Hi. I...um just wanted to see you," Max exclaimed in a soft, loving tone, but Louis seemed to be unimpressed. 

"I told you to fuck off and I told you to leave Harry alone, didn't I?" he asked as his face turned red and he clenched his fists in anger. Wait? Did that mean they weren't dating? This certainly didn't seem like something couples would say to each other.

"Do you mean you aren't dating?" I asked before I could stop myself, but my voice was still shaky, giving away my feelings.

"What? No! Of course, we're not dating," Louis said, apparently shocked that I had made that assumption.  

"Look, Louis, that's why I'm here..." Max started to speak again, but Louis cut him off abruptly.

"No. Don't even think about it. I told you about a dozen times. I will never ever date you again and I'm done with being your _friend_. You ruined everything. That's not what friends are supposed to do. So why don't you just fuck off!"

"What? You seriously choose _him_  over me? I mean, look at him, you can't be serious," Max countered in acid tones, shooting me a death glare. Before I could say anything to defend myself, Louis stepped protectively in front of me.

"You know what? I'd always choose him before you. I'd choose him before anyone else, because in contrast to you, he has an amazing personality. And he is fucking gorgeous. You can go out there and ask every single person that knows him, and they'd confirm that. And even _you_ know that it's the fucking truth. And maybe that's what I hate the most about you. You use his insecurities to make him feel small so you can feel better about yourself. You know that he's more beautiful, inside and out and yet you're still fucking jealous that people love him because he is himself. You're jealous of all the talent he has. You don't know anything about him. But let me tell you this - if you'll ever talk to him like this or talk to him at all, I'll grab your balls and shove them down your throat, because you're the pathetic one. Get the fuck out of my sight." 

"B-but Louis..." Max stuttered, obviously expecting this to go a lot differently, but Louis had reached his breaking point.

"OUT. NOW!" Louis growled, pointing to the door. Max didn't hesitate any longer and sprinted for the door, looking devastated and slightly terrified. Louis and I just stayed where we were, the silence becoming awkward after a few moments. After a while I stood up, picking up the costume that was still laying on the floor before walking over to where Louis was standing. 

"Um..." I spoke up, trying to choose my words wisely. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that."

Louis turned to me, deliberating if I was being serious or not. Apparently I hadn't chosen my words wisely enough. I turned away before he could yell at me, but the next words that came out of his mouth were not the ones I had been expecting. 

"Harry. You still don't understand, do you?" he said in an extremely soft tone. "None of what I said was made up. It was the truth - every single thing I said was nothing but the truth. I didn't lie when I told him that you are a beautiful person, I didn't lie when I said that everyone loves you for your personality, and I definitely didn't lie when I said that I never wanted to see him again. He's a complete ass."

I kept my eyes trained on the ground, feeling very insecure. It wasn't the first time he had said things like that to me, but it _was_ the first time he had defended me publicly like that. I felt his fingers under my chin and he slowly lifted my head to look me in the eye. His gaze was kind of fierce, but still soft. It was like he was staring right into my soul. The warm feeling in my stomach returned in an instant, and I tried to push it down.

"And the most important thing is that I would never choose anyone over you," he added, leaning his forehead against mine, before pulling back again and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I grieved at the loss of contact and felt an upcoming urge to smash our lips together...I needed to feel him, I wanted to be near him so bad... 

"Louis, I..." I spoke up, reaching for his arm and squeezing it gently. He looked at me, a hopeful look on his face, but my bravery faded and I let him go...I couldn't do this. I couldn't just forgive him like that, no matter how badly I wanted to. 

"I think we have to go back to work," I sighed, feeling the instant urge to slap myself in the face. What the fuck was I doing here? Why did I let him down like that, and why did I even think about kissing him in the first place? We agreed on maintaining our friendship, but was that enough? I needed him more than anyone in the world, but I couldn't forgive him. At least, not now. 

"Yeah, I agree," Louis replied, suppressing a devastated expression. I knew what he wanted, but I also knew that I couldn't give it him right now. "Let's go then."

Louis headed for the door, but I called him back once again, and he turned, his hand on the door handle.

"Just give me some time, okay?" I said trying to give him some hope. If I had hope that this might eventually work itself out, then it was only fair to let him know where I stood. Apparently it worked, because a smile formed on his lips. 

"Anything for you, Hazza."


	30. Chapter 30 - In The Spotlight

The next month was good, as far as the play and preparations went, but for me and Louis, it was almost tense and strange, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. After the incident with Max, I had told Louis I needed time, which, if I was being honest, was just the first thing I could think to say to keep myself from kissing him. It was the absolute truth, because I knew deep down that I needed to sort things out and get myself back to a stable position in my life before I went around to trying to forgive Louis completely, but at the same time, all I wanted was the comfort of his arms, and the conflicting arguments about this happened in my head every time I caught even a glimpse of him. Louis, however, seemed to be taking my words to the extreme, and had steered clear of me, keeping any meetings we had purely professional. It wasn't that we weren't friendly to each other, we were. But the friendship thing was something that neither of us were used to, and it was very hard to keep friendly when probably both of us were having thoughts of doing some things that crossed the line of friendly. There were always time, though, when I would be working and I would look up just to catch Louis watching me, an almost wistful expression on his face, and it was those times that really tested me. All I wanted to do was hug him and tell him everything was okay, but for me, I was still coming to terms with what happened, and I really just needed to get through that. 

Niall, Liam, and even Zayn had been insisting that I join them and Louis for lunch every day, which had grown to be quite a fun thing to do, and it took away a lot of the stress from Uni, but there was still that obvious tension between Louis and me, and they definitely noticed. Being the good friends they were, however, they kept their mouths shut about it and just carried on, having normal conversations with us and laughing at stupid things.

Zayn and Liam were perfectly content, a story which I got both sides of, from Liam and Zayn alike. All Liam could talk about was how happy he was and how Zayn treated him right, and how he might really be in love with him. I always listened and I was always supportive to him, even though sometimes he talked and all I wanted to do was cry, because it reminded me so much of what I had lost with Louis. It was those times where I ended up at home on the couch with some tea, talking with David and Nick, who were always willing to listen to me and help me understand what I was going through. 

David seemed particularly helpful, not just with consoling me, but also with my eating disorder. He knew exactly the right portion sizes to give me to start, and he knew when to start adding a bit more, and Nick had been learning from him as well. Both of them made sure that I had at least two full meals a day, and one small one, and surprisingly enough, I always ate what they gave me. I was getting better, and just the thought of that was helping me sleep. I sometimes had nightmares and I would wake up in a cold sweat, one of the two of them sitting next to me and talking me softly awake. I hadn't had a proper breakdown in about a month or so, however, and I considered that progress.

We had reached the final week of rehearsals before the play, and Louis had sent me back to the dressing room to talk to the lead girl about her costumes. The lead was a very pretty girl by the name of Jazzie, and she was a little shy but very nice and an amazing actress. I had been working closely with her for the past couple weeks, because she had come to me with issues memorizing her lines, and I had started to help her learn them. I was surprisingly good at memorizing, which I had not known until now, but Jazzie seemed very excited that I could help her. In other words, we were very close.

"Okay, Jaz, one more time from the top of that scene, yeah? And I'll fix that hem in the one dress while you're reciting it to me."

Jazzie nodded and started on her lines, and I folded the ripped hem up at the bottom of her dress, taking a needle to it and starting to sew it by hand, giving me something quiet to do so that I could hear her. Her lines flowed out of her perfectly, like she was made to say them, and something about them sounded a bit...familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Maybe it was just because I had been listening to her say them to me for the past few hours. But that didn't explain the tugging in my gut that was telling me that something was very familiar here...

"Haz...Umm, Harry? Are you guys ready to run the final scene?" Louis poked his head around the door, stuttering on my name. He had insisted on calling me Harry ever since we broke up, but I really didn't mind that he still called me Haz. That was what my friends called me, and he was my friend. Harry always sounded a bit too formal, coming from his mouth, but right now was not the time to dwell on that. 

Jazzie looked up at Louis and nodded happily, hurrying out of the room to the stage. She didn't have a costume for this scene yet, because I was putting the finishing touches on it, but it was just about ready. 

As soon as she was gone, it was just me and Louis in the room, and the silence was a little too loud for my liking. 

"I finished the final dress...would you like to see it before I present it to her?" I asked quietly, and Louis stood to his full height from his leaned position by the door and walked towards me. I tried not to focus on how his hips were swaying or how his eyes looked extra blue today...I really couldn't do that to myself right now. I'd had a long day already, and I didn't need to make it complicated.

"Yeah, sure. You've been working really hard on it. I'm sure it's fantastic." Louis praised, looking at me with a smile, and I bit the inside of my cheek, trying very hard to prevent my cheeks from flushing.

"Hey, Haz, Jazzie is wondering if you finished her...oh. Sorry, guys...should I...? Nick had come into the room but stopped dead in the doorway, looking at us. I stood quickly, almost knocking over a whole container of pins and shook my head.

"No, no we were just...the dress...yeah." I stuttered, and Nick's eyes softened a bit. For some reason, even if I didn't understand how I was feeling or why I always got stuttery around Louis or when anyone assumed that we were doing things, but he did, and just the softness of his gaze as he looked between me and Louis, both of us shifting awkwardly, made me feel a bit better. 

"Harry was just going to show me the dress before anyone else got to see it. He wanted to make sure it was okay." Louis answered in polite tones, but his eyes gave him away. He had the same nervous look in them that I was feeling, almost like we had been caught doing something bad.

I ducked behind the table and pulled the dress out of my bag, letting the material flow through my fingers. I was very proud of it and I just wanted them both to like it. I hadn't even let Nick see it yet, something that drove him crazy but something he also accepted, knowing how much I wanted to surprise everyone with this.

"Umm...here it is, if you wanted to see." I mumbled, unfolding it and holding it up for them to see. Louis and Nick, who had been talking quietly by the door, looked up, and both of their mouths dropped open. Neither said a single word, they just stared at me holding the dress, their eyes practically popping out of their heads. "Is it that bad?" I asked, my insecurities about everything suddenly getting the best of me, but suddenly, there was movement. Louis surged forward, took the dress carefully from my hands, laid it down on the table, and pulled me into a hug. I froze for a second and then just sort of melted into the hug, wrapping my arms around him as he held me. Nick looked a bit shocked at this action, but he didn't say anything, instead coming over to the table to get a better look at the dress. 

"Haz, this is gorgeous! How did you...?" Nick asked in astonishment, but Louis was still clinging to me, and didn't seem like he was going to let go anytime soon. Normally, in a hug between us, I was the clingy one.

"Louis, you alright?" I asked him, pulling away from the hug to look at him. Louis was just staring at me, not saying anything, and my heart sank immediately, wondering what I had done wrong. "I...I'm sorry, it's not what you wanted, is it? Don't worry, I can make a new one in four days, that's not a problem, I just thought...I mean, this is the pattern you wanted and I knew Jazzie would look good in it..." I fumbled to find the right words, not sure why he was staring at me like that. I couldn't tell if he was mad or happy or just at a loss for words, but when I went to say something else, he shook his head furiously, placing his hands on my shoulders and grinning like an idiot.

"This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. So much more than I imagined...god, Haz, I...I don't even know what to say..." He chuckled to himself, smiling like crazy. "You've gotta let the cast see this...they are gonna go nuts. Grimmy, get Jazzie back in here, the first time they will see it is on her."

Nick left quickly, leaving the dress in Louis' hands, and he just held it, staring at it with pride in his eyes. I stood back a bit, feeling a little overwhelmed by his reaction. My heart was pounding out of my chest from the hug and my cheeks were definitely bright red. I didn't need the multiple mirrors in this room to tell me that.

Jazzie came in a second later and her eyes bugged as she saw the dress. She took it from Louis gently, looking at it, and then stripped down and pulled it on, not giving any mind to the fact that there were three guys in the room. Granted we were all gay and this was theatre, but still. She tugged her hairtie out, letting her wavy hair fall down her shoulders, and Louis looked ready to cry again.

"Perfect...it's perfect. Thank you, Harry. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever worn. You're amazing." Jazzie came right to me and hugged me quickly, before hearing a call for her name from the hallway. Louis quickly composed himself and guided her to the hallway, where I could hear gasps and whoops from the cast. Nick grinned at me and pulled me into a side hug.

"You did so good, Haz."

I accepted his praise with a small smile, not knowing what else to do. Nick clapped my shoulder and then headed out to make sure everyone was in the right costume. I packed up my sewing kit and my swatches of fabric and walked backstage to watch the final scene. This was the last thing we were running today, and I hadn't seen it before.

The leads were standing center stage, in a garden scene, talking to each other. They seemed to be upset, both of them, but the boy was being so sincere, apologizing and trying to make her understand whatever he had done wrong.

I felt a draft and hurried to close the back door, but by the time I returned, Louis was giving notes and everyone was leaving...damn, I had missed the end. I sighed and waited by the back door, taking all of the congratulations and praise as everyone left. Nick and Louis were the last people to leave, and as Nick stopped next to me, pulling on his coat, Louis walked out the door, biting his lip and trying not to look at me. I almost opened my mouth to call him back, but I wasn't even sure what I would say, so I just kept quiet and followed Nick to the car. As I sat down in the passenger's seat, my brain was full of nothing but preparations for the performance in a few days. We were ready. Louis had written a fantastic play, and the clothes, thanks to me and Nick, had worked out rather well. We were going to blow them out of the water.

________________

The night of the first performance, I stood backstage, wearing a nice shirt and the nicest pair of skinny jeans I owned, along with black boots, my hair curling around my shoulders in a nicer way than I ever thought possible. Nick was off doing last minute touches to the costumes, and the air was tense with nerves. Louis was pacing back and forth in front of me, twisting his hands together and biting his lip. I was pretty sure he was gonna draw blood soon. It had been about fifteen minutes of that before I just couldn't take it anymore. I stepped into his path and he faltered in his walking looking at me as if I was just a ghost in his way.

"Louis...Louis! You need to relax. Everything is going to be perfectly fine." I said, trying to sound soothing, but if truth be told, his nerves were starting to affect me. Louis blinked and then finally seemed to realize that I was actually there.

"But...but what if it doesn't? What if people hate it? What if someone rips a skirt or loses a shoe? What if..."

I placed a hand carefully over his mouth and he stopped talking, looking at me with wide blue eyes. I tried to ignore the skipping beat of my heart as I took my hand away. "If you keep saying what if, I'm going to hit you. Just relax. We...umm, you've worked so hard on this. It's not going to be anything but brilliant, I promise you. Do you trust me?"

Louis looked at me for a minute or two, not answering, and I swallowed, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that. But then he nodded, and I put a careful hand on his shoulder. 

"It's fine. We'll do great. Just trust me, alright?" I said soothingly, letting my hand slide down his arm in what was supposed to be a friendly manner, but by the way Louis was looking at me and the way my heart was practically beating out of my chest, it seemed a bit much.

"I...I do trust you. It's just...this...umm, this play is kind of personal to me and I just...I want everything to go right. I've done a lot of things wrong recently and just for once, I want to get something right."

I had a strange feeling we weren't talking about the play anymore, but before I could think of something to respond with, the backstage manager came over, flashing two fingers at Louis. Louis jumped as if frightened and straightened his jacket.

"Good luck..." I said in almost a whisper, but by the look he gave me, I was sure that he heard me. Within seconds, he was walking onto the stage, and the play was beginning.

________________

True to my words, the play went on without a single mistake, other than one girl tripping and ripping a hole in her jeans. I was able to fix it extremely quickly, however, with Nick's help of course, and Louis could stop trying to rip his hair out. If I was being honest, it was kind of amusing to watch him freak out sometimes, but a lot of the time I just wanted to hug him or kiss him and tell him it would be okay. But, of course, I most definitely could not do that.

The second performance of that day and the first one on Saturday also went perfectly fine, and by this time, Louis was actually smiling as he watched his play being performed. Unfortunately for me, I still had been unable to see the end, due to having to gather flowers and sort them for each performer right before the final curtain. I was actually quite curious to see the end, because I had no clue if the main characters got back together. I would only assume that they would, because I didn't think Louis would write a play with a sad ending, but I just wanted to know for sure. I could just ask Nick or Louis to see the script, but I never found the time to do that. I tried listening hard as I separated roses into piles, but I could never hear the dialogue clearly enough.

It was in between shows on Saturday afternoon and I was sitting in the back of one of the dressing rooms, eating a light salad and sewing up one of the shirts that had gotten a hole in it. It was kind of lonely, but all the time alone, however, gave me a lot of time to think. Louis had mentioned the first night that this play was important to him in a personal way, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what he meant by that. 

There was a knock on the door and when I called for the person to come in, the last person I had expected to see was David. I grinned but my eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"What are you doing back here? I thought you and Nick were grabbing food before the last show?" I asked, but hugged him all the same. 

"Nick went to get the food, and he sent me back here to see how you were doing. You're doing alright, yeah?" 

I nodded, finishing up sewing the hole shut and hanging the shirt on a hanger before turning to him. "Yeah, m'fine. Last show tonight, though. It's gonna be a big one, I can feel it. Louis said it sold out for tonight. That's over 2,000 people coming to see his work. I'm so excited for him...could be his big break."

David gave me a look and I blushed, knowing exactly what that look implied. I tried to ignore him and eat my salad, but he sat down right next to me, staring at the side of my head. I made a face and tried to push him away.

"Look, I...we are trying to be friends, okay? And doesn't that mean being supportive?" I asked in my own defense, and David sighed.

"Yes, of course it does, Harry, and I'm proud of both of you for trying that. But the way you talk about him...I can hear it in your voice and see it written all over your face...I just don't know how else to tell you."

"David, I...I can't. I couldn't, no matter how badly I want it. I'm always going to want him. I have for years, and look where it got me. I'm lucky to still be here right now, because god knows where I would be if I didn't have you and Nick looking after me."

"Did you ever think that maybe Louis didn't do anything? That maybe it was Max that tried to ruin everything? Because honestly, Harry, I have never seen a person look at you the way Louis does. He's hurting, just like you, and I can't stand seeing that look on either of your faces every time you're in the same room with each other."

"I...I'm trying. We are both trying. It's just hard..." I mumbled, really not wanting to talk about this right now. David kept looking at me and finally, after about three weeks of him being silently suggestive, I caved. "Alright...alright. Okay. After the play is over, I can try talking to him. I know we have to have that conversation, and I told him to give me time. And you're right. We just need to finish this pl-"

A loud and almost tortured yell came from outside the room, and if I hadn't spent years thinking about Louis and knowing exactly what he sounded like at any given moment, I wouldn't have known it was him. I stood up and almost sprinted for the door, David right behind me.

In the backstage area, Louis was a mess, pacing harder than he had ever done before, his phone clutched to his ear.

"Are...are you sure there's no one coming?" Louis said into the phone, his voice high with nerves, and I wasn't sure what to do. He looked like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I could see about half the cast standing around, looking concerned, and Zayn was there, Liam and Niall by his side, trying to comfort him. Nick was standing there, his hands clutched around a box of pizza, looking scared out of his mind. None of us had ever seen Louis like this.

At that moment, Louis let out a squeak that was almost inhuman. "Four hours...it's gonna take _four hours_? But the show starts in twenty minutes! How did this even happen?" He listened again, running a hand through his hair and pushing Zayn's comforting hand out of his way, looking completely frazzled. "I...I don't...okay. Right. I'll call you back, just..." He hung up his phone and, before he could sink to the ground, Zayn caught him, holding him upright as frustrated tears built up in his eyes. I stepped forward, not giving a single thought to my feelings or anything else, and took his hand, looking him right in the eye.

"Lou, what's wrong? What happened?"

Louis gaped like a fish for a few seconds before finally being able to get words out of his mouth. "Jazzie...Jake...elevator...broken...stuck on it...fuck."

I let him go immediately, stepping back in horror. Both of the leads were stuck in an elevator? Was he fucking with me or was this serious?

"Are you fucking serious?" David asked, not really bothering to sugar coat it, and Louis nodded slowly, his face dropping and a few tears dripping onto his cheeks, which he wiped away angrily.

"This is it...I knew I had a reason to panic...should have expected something like this to happen...fuck, what the hell are we supposed to do?" Zayn was rubbing his back, trying to help him calm down, and I was just taking in the looks of pure horror on their faces. We didn't have understudies for them, we didn't have any extra people. This was a disaster that I had not seen coming at all.

"I...I mean, we could postpone..." said one of the background actors, but Louis shook his head. 

"I've only got it booked till tonight and the next opening isn't until next fall...we have to do it now or not at all...and...fuck and they are coming tonight..."

"Who's coming?" another person asked, and Louis went all tense, pressing his lips together and not speaking. Zayn, however, spoke for him.

"Some professors from a Theatre arts school in central London...The theatre professor here called them up after the success of the first night and suggested they come to see it, and they are coming tonight."

Louis let out a little whimper at that, looking heartbroken, and I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but I was rooted to the spot, completely helpless.

"Well...guess that's it...we have to cancel. We can't go on without the leads..." Louis said in the quietest voice I had ever heard him use, and he removed himself gently from Zayn's grip and started walking towards the stage.

"Wait!"

We all turned to Nick as he came forward, looking desperately from Louis to the cast. Louis turned, his eyes wide at any thought that could get them out of this. Nick looked over at me, and for some reason, I knew he was about to say something that I was probably not going to like at all.

"What if you did the lead, Louis? You wrote it, you know all of the lines for the lead. And..." He looked back over at me and I shook my head, just now realizing what he was about to say, but he continued anyway. "Harry can do the other part. He's been working closely with the female lead...he has been helping her with her lines...he knows them, I know he does."

The backstage area was dead silent. I felt my heart in my throat, my body trembling slightly. Nick wanted me to go out on stage and act...taking over the female lead, more specifically, in a play that Louis had written, and he wanted me to be the love interest of Louis? Was he fucking insane?

The rest of the cast, however, was muttering, looking between me and Louis and nodding, like they thought it was a good idea. I took the risk and I caught Louis' eye, and he looked downright terrified. I had no idea what to say, because I was sure if I tried to speak, I was going to throw up.

"I'l do it if he does it." I don't know how or why the words came out of my mouth, but the moment they did, there was dead silence once again. Louis was looking at me as though he wanted to die right there on the spot, and I cleared my throat, continuing. "I don't want Louis' to get his chances messed up just because we have a small mishap like this. I know the lines. Louis...if you are okay with it...we can perform it."

Louis stared at me, and then looked at Nick, and then David, and then Zayn and Liam and Niall, who were all looking between the two of us like they expected a bomb to go off. And then, miraculously, Louis nodded. "Yeah...yeah, I'll do it."

A collective sigh of relief swept through all of us, but my head was swimming...what the fuck was I thinking? I couldn't act for shit, I knew that and Louis knew that, and Nick most definitely knew that. This was a huge mistake...

I turned to Nick and David, my eyes wide with fear and they both came to me, hugging me. 

"It's gonna be alright, Harry."

"It's just a play, nothing to be worried about, yeah?"

I nodded but I wasn't listening at all. My mind was fixated on one particular fact, one that I hadn't thought of until this very moment.

"Umm...guys, there's a problem. The...the costumes are made for Jazzie...even if I wanted to, I couldn't fit into them...I need clothes."

"I'll go home and get all your shirts from the back of your closet. Don't worry...be back as soon as I can." David shot off and out the door without another word, and Nick held my shoulders, just looking into my eyes and not saying anything. I nodded, knowing what he was trying to say, and hugged him quickly before turning around to face everyone else. They had all scattered, getting into costume and setting everything up. Louis, however, was sitting in a chair, surrounded by the other three, and I figured I shouldn't bother them, so I just walked back to the dressing room, sitting down on the floor and trying to take deep breaths. I needed to relax...this was acting. It didn't mean anything...just acting.

 _But you're acting with Louis...this is a play about love...surely if the couple gets together in the end, there's going to be a kiss..._ The voice in my head was on a roll, going through all of the possibilities, most of them ending in bad arguments and ruining the play, and I just clamped my hands over my ears, burying my head in my knees. 

A hand was on my shoulder and slowly, I looked up. Louis was there, his eyes looking a bit red but otherwise just nervous and concerned.

"You alright, H?" He asked, helping me to my feet, and I nodded. 

"Yeah...m'fine. Just not used to acting is all...never done it before. M'nervous, I guess..." I mumbled.

"Me too...we just...yeah, umm, stick to the script and we should be fine."

"Aren't people going to notice that it's two guys instead of a guy and a girl?" I asked, just wanting to talk about something so I could avoid the constant feeling that I was going to puke. 

"Yeah, but it shouldn't matter. It's a play, and it happens in real life. If they don't like it, they can leave." Louis said, sounding a bit harsh, but I knew it was just his own nerves talking. I nodded in response to that and we stood there for a few awkward moments before David came blasting through the door, his face flushed and his arms full of shirts in all colors and patterns. 

"I...I should get dressed for the...yeah, I'll see you out there, yeah?" I said awkwardly to Louis, and he hesitated before nodding, leaving the room quickly. I pulled on a pink shirt with white polka dots, and David sat down, trying to breathe. Nick came in to console him and I fixed my hair, making it look somewhat presentable.

Before I walked out the door, however, Nick came over and hugged me again, and I held onto him tightly, not wanting him to let go. "You're gonna do amazing, H. You know exactly what to do...and it's just a play. Just...do what you do, yeah? And afterwards we can go get ice cream and celebrate, yeah?"

I nodded, and he pressed a kiss to my forehead, smiling at me. I gave a half smile in return and hurried to my place just as Louis was finishing up his speech. He came back stage to stand next to me and I tucked my hair behind my ear nervously. We caught each other's eye and merely nodded, walking onto the stage together as the lights came up. It was time. 


	31. Chapter 31 - I'll Fight For You

It was all going pretty smoothly until the very last scene.

So far, other than messing up a few lines, Louis and I had done reasonably well at acting the parts, considering the circumstances. I had caught the looks of a couple people in the front row when we came on for the first scene, and they all looked pretty confused. I guess when the play is about a boy and a girl and two boys come on stage, it can get a little confusing. The crowd seemed to enjoy it, however, more so than they had any other night, judging by the laughter and the clapping and the wolf whistles.

Every time I got off the stage, I went right for David and Nick, who were not only helping me get dressed in the wings, but were also keeping me calm. I was not exactly great in front of crowds, and I had never acted before in my life, and this was _Louis_ we were talking about...I was supposed to be playing his fucking love interest. Not that I wasn't in love with him, because I definitely was, but with all of my recent conflicting feelings, I could just barely handle it. 

We had just finished up the scene where I was talking to my best friends on one side of the stage and Louis was talking to his on the other, and we had agreed to meet and discuss things, which was the last scene. As I waited in the wings, back in my original clothes (luckily, I had decided to wear my speckled shirt to the performance, so it was all ready for the final scene), I turned to look for Louis. He was standing in the next wing over, on the other side of the stage, and his face looked white as a sheet. Louis wasn't really one to get super nervous, or never had been in my time knowing him.

"Why does Louis look so...like that?" I asked quietly to Nick, and Nick shot a look at David, as if both of them had realized something vital. Before I could ask, however, the lights were going up and Louis was on the stage, waiting for me to make my entrance. Nick gave my shoulder an extra hard squeeze, as though preparing me for something, but I didn't have time to dwell on it, because I was going out and had a line to speak immediately.

"Oh...Logan, hi." I had decided for the purposes of my horrible acting, to keep my voice in its usual deep tones instead of trying to adopt a higher pitched voice. 

"H, glad you could make it. Wanna sit?" Louis said, his voice sounding quite normal, but I knew him too well not to notice the slight shake. He was nervous, and not in an  _I'm on stage in front of scouts_ nervous, but a _holy fuck I don't know if I can actually do this_ nervous. I quirked an eyebrow at him, and his lips tightened just the smallest bit, not really giving me anything to go off of. Louis continued with his lines. The girl in the play was named Hannah, but for the purposes of our situation, Louis had settled on H which, coincidentally, worked out well. That meant he could talk to me easily, something that he, for some reason, seemed to be having trouble with at the moment. "I...umm...well, I wanted to talk to you, if that's okay."

"Yeah, I guess so." I responded, not looking him in the eye. There was a moment of awkward silence before Louis continued, and that was when I knew something was up. Despite Louis never having performed this play, he knew it back to front and hadn't forgotten a single one of his lines yet. 

"I know that we...we didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms when we...you know..." Louis was taking a bit more time on his lines, speaking slowly and in an unsure tone, and I tried to ask him what was wrong with my eyes, but he wasn't giving me any sign that he could see my questioning look.

"Yeah, I'm pretty aware of that. It's not like there was much to say...you cheated on me." My voice cracked on that line, realizing how close it was hitting to home, and I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. This wasn't real...it was just a play. Just had to act the part of the mad ex...that wouldn't be too hard.

"I know I did, but that doesn't...I mean, it...but...oh, fuck it." Louis stuttered through the beginning of his line, and then started to speak completely off script. "H, I didn't cheat on you. I would never ever do that to you. I don't care if it was the most beautiful man in the world, nothing would compare to how you make me feel, and I would never give you up for anything."

My mouth dropped open a bit, my eyebrows creasing at his words. This definitely wasn't what was written...maybe I didn't know the lines that well, but I was almost positive that these weren't it. Louis stood up abruptly and started pacing in front of me, rubbing his forehead and looking completely distraught and frustrated with himself. I looked away, figuring that even though Louis was playing a wild card right now, I could still act my part, but his next words had my gaze snapping up to meet his.

"Max might have kissed me, but I definitely did not kiss him back and I never would."

I could hear the gasps from the people in the wings, but I didn't flinch. My eyes were locked on Louis as he turned and looked right at me, and I knew that we definitely were not talking about the play anymore. I stood up as well. This was not the time or place to be talking about this. I put a hand on Louis' arm, trying to tell him without words that we would talk about this later, but he kept going.

"Harry, I...I love you. I love you so much, and I always have and I'm never going to stop. Everything that has happened between us...it's been a shitfest, I can say that much. But you have to listen to me...please..."

Right...so we were on our own names now...

"Louis, right now is not the time or place to be ta-" I began, but Louis just shook his head, his blue eyes wide and pleading, and there was no way I could ignore that look coming from him. Not like I had a choice, seeing as a full theatre of people was watching us with rapt attention now, not a single sound being made.

"Listen to me. I fucked up. I fucked up so many times and I know that's why you don't want to do this and I understand that but I...I can't. Harry, I just can't be without you. I tried really hard the first time, you know? That's why I started fucking around with all those guys right after the...you know, the whole school thing...it made me numb to the pain. Even so, the moment they were gone, all I could think about was you, your green eyes and your bouncy curls and your happy smile when you were with me, and I hated myself every single day for ruining what we had."

"And yet you never thought to come to me? To just try to explain that it was a mistake? I know that we both were stupid not to ask the other person questions, but seriously, you are older than me, you should have known better! I still can't believe that you never realized how much you affected me with just a few simple words..." I could feel the anger that I had held back for so long with him building up in my chest, and I really didn't want to explode on him right now, but it was going to happen, I could feel it.

"I...I just thought that thought it was some sort of thing to show off...when I thought you had lied to everyone just to prove that you could get a popular guy to have sex with you, I couldn't handle that, it was the only thing I could think of in that moment, and I know that it was all a misunderstanding now, but..."

"No. Just...fuck, no, what the hell am I even thinking right now? I've been thinking about it every single day since that first mistake and a lot lately, and you know what? You're a dick. You hurt me. You made me hate myself just because you were upset, and instead of coming to me and asking me about it, you decided to hate on me publicly. Did you ever even notice how skinny I got or how I never ate and how I chopped off all my hair and how my eyes were always red when I was around you? I barely made it the first time, and now you've gone and hurt me again and again and I can't do it again. I almost didn't make it this time, Lou. The reason I'm still standing here is only because I had help from people who cared about me. I know it wasn't just you, that it was my fault as well, but you started it this time and I have no idea how to forgive you for that."

I bit my lip, realizing that I had just said all that out loud to all of these people, but fuck if I cared right now. I was angry and they thought this was a play. It didn't even matter. What did matter, however, was the look of hurt and pain on Louis' face as he looked up from his feet, and I could see tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. I almost apologized, because as mad as I might have been, seeing Louis cry was worse than anything, but before I could think of anything to say, he opened his mouth and I shut mine at once.

"I know. I know that I ruined you. I know that it is all my fault that you struggle with yourself, even though everything I said that day was a lie. You're fucking beautiful, inside and out. So what if you have tummy pudge? So what if your hair doesn't look great all the time? So fucking what if you have a small ass or love handles or chubby cheeks? You're still the most gorgeous person I've ever met and I'll never stop telling you that. I know I messed up in the past and I thought we were past that, but...I guess we aren't...but I'm willing to work on that if you are. As for recent events, I...I never wanted to get back with Max. I told you that, and you gave me your trust, and I ended up breaking it, even if he came onto me and I couldn't do anything about it. I never wanted to be with Max after we broke up. I always wanted you, always. He was jealous that I had finally gotten the happiness that I had craved for so long, and I don't know if he was trying to get into my head or yours, but apparently he ruined it all, and I hate him for it. You didn't deserve to be hurt like that and I tried to tell you so many times and every time you shut me out and I didn't know what else to do! I just want things back to the way they used to be."

There was silence as we stared each other down. My heart was pounding out of my chest and my throat felt tight. I couldn't believe he was confessing all of this to me right here and right now...in front of everyone! I didn't know what else to say, so I just stayed quiet, knowing that Louis probably had more to say.

"Do you...do you remember when we first kissed? And you told me to never let you go...and I swore that I wouldn't. I'd like to think I've kept that promise. I've bided my time and I've acted like a complete prick along the way, but I never gave up hope that one day we would find that feeling again. Remember when we went skiing and you didn't want to talk to us because you were afraid we would judge you? And I waited while you ate breakfast and I cuddled you when you needed it and then finally we kissed. And we talked about everything and I thought it was fine. Remember when we spent our night under the stars? I know it was just twinkly lights but...you asked for perfect and it was the best I could do for you."

His words from that very night rang in my head, almost exactly the same, and I felt one tear squeeze its way out of my eye and roll down my cheek.

"Remember when we sang together? Remember when I saw your collage and I gave you a picture to go in it because I knew the times that we had together were ones you treasured, even though we didn't have it anymore. Do you remember when you gave me your personal journal of your struggles throughout our years apart? I read it in one night. I didn't sleep till I had finished and I used about half a box of tissues...ask Liam, he had to clean them all up. I felt your pain. I knew what I had caused you and I'm so sorry and if I could take all of it back, you bet your ass I would do that right now. I would give you the life you deserved, the relationship you deserved. You deserve someone who doesn't make as many mistakes as I do. You deserve someone who didn't already cause you pain, someone you can trust, and I am none of those things. But I pray to all the gods above that one day you'll forgive me, and that maybe we can make this work, cause, Hazza, I'm never going to stop loving you, and I'm going to fight for you, no matter what it takes."

There it was...the silence again. At this point, my cheeks were wet and my lip was shaking and I had no idea what to say. Louis...he was messed up. He had made mistakes and had screwed me over so many times...but I loved him. I always would. And he was fighting for me like no other person had ever even tried to do. Before I could even stop myself, I moved right towards him, took his face in my hands, and planted a firm but gentle kiss right on his lips. Louis went pliant in my arms, kissing back eagerly, and the entire crowd burst into applause. We both jumped, having forgotten that we were actually in front of a huge crowd, and we pulled apart, our arms still around each other. People were standing, screaming their approval, and I turned back to face Louis, pulling my mic down so I could speak to only him, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

"Lou...I love you."

"And I love you, Hazza. Never letting you go again...never."

Louis leaned in for the kiss this time, which I went along with, and we held it there, gently pressing our lips together over and over, until the curtain went down. 

It was only when the curtain was completely down and the backstage lights came on that I realized that I was still kissing Louis, and I backed away. The reality of what had just happened hit me like a fucking truck, and I couldn't look at him. I couldn't be near him. I couldn't do this right now. Without another word or backward glance, I tore myself away from Louis and stumbled away towards the door and out into the night. I could hear people calling my name but it all sounded distant and fuzzy to me. It was starting to rain but I didn't care. I ran all the way to the back of the school, where there was a cluster of trees, and I practically fell onto the ground beneath them, unable to slow down my quick breaths.

Fucking hell, what had just happened? It had all happened so fast, and honestly I hadn't been aware of half of what I had said, but Louis' words were ringing loud and clear in my head: _I'm going to fight for you, no matter what it takes._ I didn't even notice I was crying until I could feel my entire body heaving with sobs. The tears mixed with the rain and sweat on my face and I pulled my knees to my chest, hoping that holding on to something could ground me.

There was a rustle of wet branches and a few leaves that were still there from the fall, and I heard a sigh of relief before someone sat down next to me. I looked up and saw David's outline, with Nick right behind him, and I just let David pull me into his arms, trying to calm myself down. David whispered soothing words to me, rubbing my back lightly until my breath was only hitching on every few breaths, and then he let me go, looking into my eyes.

"You with me, Harry?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes with little affect. "I...I'm sorry it...it was just too much...I don't even know w-what happened..."

"I know...I know. It's alright. Just need you to try to relax. He's looking for you, you know."

I shook my head furiously, water flying off the ends of my damp curls. I couldn't see him now...what the hell would I even say? I didn't even know if I wanted to see him...no, that was a lie...I wanted to see Louis so bad, but could I? Could I let myself trust him after he broke me so many times?

"H-how can I...how can I trust him when he...hurt me so much...how?" I asked, my voice catching on every other word. 

David and Nick were silent for a few moments, and another wave of pain and confusion hit me, tears filling my eyes again before I could stop them. I reached for Nick and he sat down on my other side, taking my hand. "I...I just want Louis...I want to be with him, I want him to hold me, I want to kiss him and just be with him all the time but how do I let this go?"

When they didn't answer again, I looked up and saw that David was actually biting his lip, as though debating whether to tell me something or not, and judging by the confused look on Nick's face, he didn't know what it was any more than I did.

"I don't know if this helps, but...I had an opportunity like yours once. I didn't take it and now it's too late. You have to trust yourself, but if it were me, I would take this chance."

"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked, looking at him once more, and his eyes...his eyes looked sad. Nick reached around me to touch his boyfriend on the shoulder, his expression now one of concern and confusion. David almost hesitated, but he arranged his face into a determined look and gave a wan smile.

"Well, I'll tell the story, if you'd like me to. Never told it before...didn't have much of a reason, but it seems like you could use it."

He made himself as comfortable as he could on the wet ground and brushed his hair gently from his eyes, before beginning his story.

"When I was about 16 years old, I was in love with a boy. His name was Luke, and I'm pretty sure our story is probably similar to yours, in the way you fell for Louis. He was a bit older than me and I was nervous for years before that to tell him how I felt, because of the age difference and because he was the first boy I ever liked. But yeah, we finally came to our senses...had a few amazing days. And then he just...hated me. I didn't know what I had done, but I came into the lunch room one day and there was a video running, one from my childhood that wasn't exactly great promo for me...in fact, it was a video that I had always wanted to forget. I was always chubby as a child, and I had grown out of it by high school, but it was private and I really hated remembering myself in that way. And there he was with the remote to the projector, smirking at me in a way that I knew that I must have deserved it, but I didn't know what for. And then it hit me...he had picked this video specifically, he must have done. He was referencing my weight...he thought I was fat. I went home that day in tears, and when I got home, I looked in the mirror and thought, _wow...he's right. I need to lose weight. If I do, maybe he'll love me..._ So I stopped eating."

I was gaping at him, not even believing what I was hearing right now...it was so painfully familiar and it was taking a lot of my willpower to not let my mind go back to that day. Nick looked like he was about to cry, but neither of us interrupted. We both knew there was more to the story. 

"I don't know what I was thinking, but it was stupid. I realized that later, but it was too late. I was thin and I was getting sick more often and the hurt was just getting worse. I'm very lucky that my parents were there to support me through this and help me get better, or I might have ended up in a very bad place. But eventually, I tried to move on. I buried the pain somewhere where I'd never think about it and I tried to make a life for myself, and it almost worked. 

My first day at Uni, I got lost and I really needed help, and I was so distraught that no one was stopping to help me that I ran right into someone...Luke. I had known that he went to the same university that I was going to, and I just prayed that I would be able to avoid him, but I guess fate just didn't want it that way. And, of course, I expected him to hit me or something, cause even after getting better and moving on, so to speak, he still had that affect on me...I still got butterflies even with my immediate fear.

But he didn't hit me. On the contrary, he was very nice and he helped me find my building and even walked me to class. And after that we just...saw more and more of each other, until we finally kissed. And I was looking up to the gods and thanking them, because if truth be told, I had never truly gotten over him. How could I? He was basically my soulmate. And as it turns out, the whole thing with the video had stemmed from some huge rumor that he had taken seriously and just acted out instead of talking to me about it. But that was in the past, we were moving on, and we were happy.

And then came the ex-boyfriend."

At this point, I was crying silently again and Nick was holding me close to him. His face was set but I could feel his breaths coming shorter and shorter...he was trying not to cry. David looked a bit pained himself but he kept going, treading carefully on this part.

"I mean, he was gorgeous. Everything I had ever wanted to be but wasn't. Yet Luke still told me every day that I was beautiful and he wanted nothing more than what he had, because he had the best. And I believed him. And then I caught him at a party kissing his ex, and I just ran. That pain...all that pain from the first time was back and it was ten times worse. I couldn't do it. I relapsed. I left school and went back home and didn't leave the house for months. My parents were terrified, but they helped me as best they could, and eventually, I enrolled in school again. I wanted to get my life back on track, and I most certainly didn't need a boyfriend to do that.

Luke was still at school, but we avoided each other like the plague. We caught one glance at each other across a field and both of us were up, walking in different directions. It wasn't that I didn't still love him, because I did, but I couldn't bear having my heart crushed again.

He tried to get me back, he really did. He did everything right and he apologized more times than I can count, but I was stupid and stubborn, and I kept my walls up...I refused to let him back in. He graduated, I stayed. After he left, I started wondering if I had done the wrong thing...maybe I should give him a call, we could go for coffee or something, maybe work something out. I missed him a lot, despite everything that had happened. My best friend, who had eventually learned the gist of my history with Luke, finally convinced me to give it another go. But when I called his number, his mum picked up. I told her who I was and asked if Luke was around...and she broke down on the phone. As it turns out...Luke had been killed in a five car pile-up a month prior to my call."

David's voice caught as he said this and Nick let out a sob. I was already crying so it wasn't like there was much difference there. I knew what his pain felt like, most of it anyway, but this...this was a blow I hadn't expected. David cleared his throat and casually wiped a tear from his cheek before taking a deep breath and continuing.

"Well, needless to say I was devastated and completely broken in a new way. I didn't know what to do. And all I kept thinking was _what if I had done this sooner? Would he still be alive? Is his death my fault?_ My friend talked me out of that one, but it still was more pain that I had ever felt, and it took a while to recover. It was only a few years ago when I ran into his mum at the store. We hugged and talked for a bit, and then she pulled out a letter and handed it to me. Said it was from Luke and that he really wanted me to have it. I had no idea what to think, and my first thought went straight to suicide, but it wasn't that. I went home and read it, and I cried for hours. It was just a simple letter, apologizing for everything that had gone wrong, even though a lot of it was my fault too. But the last line of the letter was what hit me the most, and I still have it memorized. _You take good care of yourself, wherever you go in life. No matter what happens between us in the future, I want you to find someone that makes you happy and never let them go._ I took those words to heart. I got healthy again. I focused more in school. I never thought I could find someone that made me as happy as he did, but then I met Nick. And right now, he's my happy, and I don't intend on letting him go."

Nick reached out a hand and David took it, pressing light kisses to it and trying to soothe Nick, who was sniffling like a baby behind me, completely torn up by David's story. David let Nick's hand go and turned directly to me.

"Listen to me, Harry. I know Louis messed up. Trust me, I was there for a lot of it and I know how you feel. But you need to go for it. You have a chance to make up, to get things going again, to be happy with him. I waited too long before taking my chance and I was too late. I can't watch that happen to you. Please do it, not for me, not for him, but for yourself, because you fucking deserve to be happy and by the looks of things, Louis loves you a lot, and if someone is willing to do what he's done to get you back, then he deserves another chance."

I swallowed and threw myself into David's arms, hugging him tightly. Now a lot of things made sense, but right now wasn't the time to ask questions or talk about it. I needed to find Louis...right now. I jumped up and, without glancing back at Nick or David, I sprinted back towards the theatre, not even caring that I was getting soaking wet.

I burst through the door, rain droplets falling all over the floor, and found Jazzie and Jake standing there, looking shaken but okay, and surrounded by a few friends. I ran right up to them.

"Hey...we heard what happened...sounds like you guys did a great job covering for-"

"Yeah, yeah, guess so. Sorry about the elevator...have you seen Louis?"

They looked at each other, and then exchanged glances with the other cast members. One of them, a small girl with dark hair, spoke up rather timidly.

"Yeah, he umm...he left with his brother and that Zayn guy...and I think the blonde one was there as well...he didn't look too good..."

He wasn't here...he was at home. With a hurried thanks to all of them and an added apology to Jazzie and Jake, I ran back out towards the car, where David and Nick were already sitting, the engine running.

"Figured you'd need a lift to his house...up for it?"

I just nodded, completely out of breath, and David stepped on it. I was silent for the whole ride, trying to catch my breath and figure out what the hell I was supposed to say to Louis when I got to his house. Like...did I actually try to have a proper conversation with him about this, or did I just kiss him? What was I supposed to do? 

The car stopped and I realized that we were here already. I swallowed hard, and Nick turned around in his seat to face me. "It's gonna be fine, Haz. I promise you. Here, want an umbrella? It's pouring out there."

I shook my head. "I'm already wet, it doesn't matter...thanks...thank you both...I love you guys." I pecked both of their cheeks and jumped out of the car, hurrying towards the building and then up the stairs, taking them two at a time. When I reached the door, however, it took me a few minutes to get up the courage to knock. When I finally did, I just gave three sharp taps on the door and then stood back, biting my lip with nerves and fiddling with my fingers.

The door opened slowly, and I looked up, finding myself face to face with Liam. 


	32. Chapter 32 - The First Day of The Future

"Liam..." I exclaimed breathless, trying to wipe the water off of my face. 

"Harry, what are you doing here?" he asked, looking at me curiously, but he also looked a bit angry. 

"Is Louis here?" I asked, already one foot in the door, but Liam blocked my way. 

"What are you up to, Harry? I mean, you are my best friend, but you kissed my brother in front of a whole audience and as soon as the curtains went down you ran away. Do you realize that you left him there, looking like a complete fool?" he said, his voice even but his gaze betraying everything he was feeling. And to be honest, I hadn't thought about that yet. I was such an idiot. I always thought about how _I_ was feeling, but I hadn't considered how Louis was feeling after all the things I had said on stage and the kiss and everything. I needed to talk to him - now. I needed to clear things up, not only because I deserved clarity, but because Louis deserved it too. 

"I need to talk to him, Liam. I don't have time for one of your speeches. Let me in. Please," I begged desperately. He hesitated for a few moments, but stepped aside, eyeing me curiously. I started to pass him, but he grabbed my arm and I turned back to him.

"Listen, Harry. I promised I'd stay out of this mess, but I can't watch this any longer. Both of you keep hurting each other. He's a right mess right now, Harry, and has been for a while. Please talk this out. No matter how things turn out, you both need to start talking. For the sake of all of us."

I nodded at him knowingly. He was right, this whole mess was not only affecting Louis and me, but everyone around us. Liam cracked a small encouraging smile before leading me towards Louis' bedroom. I reached the door but when I saw the scene before me, I could barely force myself to walk through the door. My heart was breaking as I caught sight Louis sitting on his bed, his back leaning against the wall. Louis' legs were curled into his body, so he could rest his head on his knees. I knew he was crying, even before I heard his sobs. Zayn was sitting next to him, holding him, one arm around his shoulders. Even Niall, the funny loud lad, was just sitting on the other side of him, patting his arm. Tears built in my eyes and spilled right over onto my cheeks. I had hurt Louis. I knew all of this was affecting him, but I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I lost track of reality. Seeing him like this made it more than clear that he wasn't doing any better than me, and that his pain was my fault. 

"Um guys, I think we should go out and grab some food or something," Liam spoke up. Niall's and Zayn's heads snapped up, noticing that he was back and that I was with him. Zayn looked like he wanted to say something, but he bit his tongue and remained silent.

"I don't know, mate...the two of them are not very good at talking..." Niall said, not convinced that it was a good decision to leave us here all by ourselves. 

"Please..." I whispered, my voice barely coming out, but apparently still loud enough for Louis to hear. His head came up off his knees and our eyes locked immediately. His eyes were red and puffy, and the brightness, which I loved so much, was gone. He looked hurt and completely broken, and it took all I had to keep my tears silent. 

"It's okay, Niall," Louis said with a shaky voice, encouraging his best friends to leave us alone. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Niall and Zayn getting up. Liam squeezed my shoulder encouragingly, and the three of them left the room. It wasn't long after that I could hear the front door slam shut. They were gone. Now it was only Louis and me and I was still standing in the same spot, my eyes locked with Louis'. 

"You're soaking wet," Louis spoke up after a while, his voice sounding thick, like he was sick or something. 

"It's raining," I replied, my voice barely better than his.

Louis stood up, walked over to his wardrobe, and  grabbed one of his sweaters. He came back over to me, holding it out to me. I swallowed, hesitating as Louis stood there, his arm outstretched towards me. The pain in my chest was incredibly real. I couldn't see him suffering like this. I wanted to tell him that everything would turn out fine, even if I wasn't sure myself. I took the sweater from him, but a moment later discarded it on the floor, throwing myself into Louis' arms and pulling him to me. I buried my face into his neck, not able to hold back my sobs anymore. Louis let out a relieved breath, and his arms tightened around me, and pretty soon I could feel a few of his tears dropping from his cheeks onto my face. We held each other tightly for a while, not moving and not saying anything. He pressed a kiss on top of my curls, one hand rubbing soothingly over my lower back. I didn't know how long we were standing there, but it felt like an eternity. 

"Um..." I managed to say, my voice thick with tears and muffled against Louis' chest. "We need to talk."

"I know," Louis whispered back against my curls. 

I backed away slowly, not wanting to let him go. Louis brought one of his hands to my face, wiping away the tears with his thumb. 

"You need to change your shirt. I don't want you to get sick," he mumbled, picking up the sweater and handing it to me again. His eyes looked a bit softer than before, but still very sad. I nodded, taking the sweater, and Louis left the room to grab some water while I changed. I didn't know if he actually wanted to get us something to drink or if it was just his polite way to give me some privacy, but I did appreciate it a little bit. 

When I had changed, I sat down on Louis' bed, my back leaning against the wall. There was a small knock on the door before Louis cracked it open to check if I had finished. He placed the two glasses of water on his nightstand before climbing on top of the bed, settling down next to me. Neither of us spoke, but after a while Louis lifted his arm so he could place it around my shoulder, and without hesitation, I scooted closer and leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder. 

"I...I am so tired, Louis. Tired of all the fighting," I said, closing my eyes with exhaustion. 

"I know. I'm so sor-" Louis started to answer, but I cut him off.

"No...please, no. It's my turn to apologize. I am sorry for being such an idiot. It wasn't fair to put all the blame on you like that, when you definitely didn't deserve it. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean, and almost everything I wanted to say came out wrong. Of course none of this is only your fault. I guess we both messed it up pretty bad. And I am sorry that I didn't come to you and talk about it, when I caught Max and you...you know...But there's one thing that I don't understand, Louis...why didn't you explain all of this earlier?"

Louis hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out where to start.

"I tried, Harry. In the same night, I tried. I was at your flat, but you didn't want to listen to me. You kept saying that I would hurt you over and over again, and that you deserved someone better, and that I should stay away from you. I just wanted to respect your wishes, even if it hurt me to do so."

I tried to say something, but Louis spoke up again, and I just listened.

"Please, let me explain. When you said I hurt you _again_ , I realized you were right, Harry. Every single time I try to make things right, I just keep fucking it up. I keep hurting you, even though that is the very last thing I ever wanted to do.  Watching you suffer like that literally ate me alive. And when you said you didn't wanna have me around you anymore, I thought that maybe it was the best decision. I knew it would be hard for me to let you go, and it would definitely be hard for you in the beginning, but I hoped that things would get better after a while and you'd meet someone who could make you truly happy. This is why I stopped trying to explain it to you. I...I didn't think I was worth it."

I swallowed, fighting back the tears that were already started to build in my eyes.  Louis and I had been bad at talking in the past. What if this was one of those books were people seemed to be made for each other, but couldn't find a way to work it out? It felt like my throat was completely blocked. My chest started to ache. What if...

"Is this the end?" I croaked, barely able to form a word. Louis turned to look at me, concern and hurt and a bit of fear in his eyes. He didn't say anything for a while.

"Do you...Do you want this to be the...end?" he managed to say, after what seemed an eternity. His eyes were glassy. His grip around my shoulder tightened, as if he was trying to hold on to me for a last moment or two.

I shook my head silently, my chest shaking with suppressed sobs. 

"N-no. I don't want this to be the end. I am just afraid we're one of those couples in books, who are meant to be, but fuck it up anyway and I just...I don't want to be them..." I answered, looking down at my hands. "Do _you_ want this to be the end?"

"Absolutely not. I know we fucked up multiple times, but I don't think we'd be here if this wasn't supposed to work out. I love you so much, Hazza. I always have, and what I said about fighting for you and not giving up? Well, I meant it. I don't want anyone else, I...I know I can't be happy with anyone else. I miss you so much. More than I thought I would be able to miss someone, and even when you were there, you weren't and I just...I couldn't handle it a lot of the time."

"Take that back," I whispered, more to myself than to him.

"Huh?"

"No...I mean...the play. Take That Back. It was about us, wasn't it?" I asked, but I already knew the answer. Louis blushed a little and looked down.

"Yeah. It was just my way to deal with all of it. You write a lot of songs and I wrote that play. I didn't know you were supposed to do the tailoring and stuff...I just needed to get my feelings out and that seemed to work."

"How does it end?" I asked abruptly, eyeing him curiously.

"You've been there, Harry. You know how it ends," he said, looking confused.

"I was always busy during the big show down. I never saw the real ending. I only know that they kiss and Logan finishes the play with a 2 minute long monologue. But I was never around to hear what he had to say."

Louis cleared his throat, slipping his hand into mine and looking down at our interlocked fingers. 

"Plato once said _...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment..._ And I know I have found my soulmate in  _Hannah_. I can't imagine spending a single day without her anymore. I promise with all my life, that I will love and cherish her as long as I live. All she needs to do is trust in me, even if I don't deserve it. I'll try to give her the life that she deserves, and it won't be easy, but there is a reason why we are here. And I know we can make it, because our love is strong and our love will win."

I gaped at him, speechless, my heart swelling with every word he spoke.

"I know that when I wrote it, we definitely weren't looking good, but I just...I needed it to have a happy ending...it gave me hope that maybe..." he added, almost whispering, as if he was ashamed. I placed careful fingers under his chin and guided his eyes up so that they were looking right into mine. 

"Never be ashamed of something that gorgeous...you created it, you should be proud. I love how it ends, and you know I'm a little sap," I said, and Louis smiled at me shyly. I bit my lip, a small smirk turning up the corner of my mouth before I spoke again. "So... Will you kiss me now, or do I have to wait for another twenty years?"

Louis' eyes went wide, definitely not expecting me to say something like this. All of a sudden he burst out laughing, throwing his head back. I didn't know why he was laughing, but I couldn't help but join him. Hearing him laugh like that made me feel incredibly good. I had the feeling I hadn't heard him laugh like that in ages, and I was pretty sure that the last few weeks, he most definitely hadn't laughed at all. Louis shook his head, trying to catch his breath.

"You're definitely something else, Styles," he said, grabbing the collar of my sweater and pulling me closer to him. I just beamed at him. Our lips were only a few inches away. 

"So let's start all over again?" he whispered, lifting an eyebrow in question.

"Yeah, restart. Pure honesty is rule number one, and we need to learn to talk, because damn, we could have spared ourselves a lot of drama," I said, but I bit my lip a bit shyly, almost afraid to say what I wanted to say next. "But Louis...let's take things slow, okay? I..."

"It's okay, Harry. You don't have to explain it. No drama, pure honesty, and we will take things slow," he said, leaning in even more, and finally, _finally_ , our lips touched. It felt just like I remembered...soft and caring and full of love...one of the best feelings in the world. 

"Is it weird to tell you that I have about a thousand butterflies in my stomach right now," I smiled against his lips. 

"I have them too," he responded, smiling as well. "But have you quite finished, because I really want to kiss you some more."

I let out a giggle, which made Louis grin even more before he placed another kiss on my lips. Louis wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer to him. He brushed his tongue over my bottom lip, waiting for me to give him access. When my lips parted, I felt his tongue sliding into my mouth, meeting my own, and a very small whimper made its way out of my mouth. Louis tasted sweet, just like strawberries with a whiff of peppermint. I sighed into his mouth, deepening our kiss before pushing Louis onto his back and laying down on top of him. We tangled our legs together, still kissing softly. Louis reached out to brush a curl out of my face, our lips leaving each other for a moment.

"Have I told you that I am the luckiest guy on the planet?" he asked, and I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating extremely fast. I just smiled, closing my eyes. Louis kept brushing his hand over my hair, carding through it with his fingers, and it felt so nice and soothing. I yawned, feeling the exhaustion coming over me, and Louis let out a giggle.

"Am I that boring, Mr. Styles?" he mocked playfully, poking my cheek.

"Never, Mr. Tomlinson. I'm just tired," I mumbled, checking the clock on the wall. It was already one in the morning, which made me yawn even more. "I'm sorry. I guess the past couple of weeks were just exhausting...and I don't...I...I don't sleep well without you."

"I know, baby...I know," he said in a soothingly low voice, his hand moving back to my hair. "Let's get some sleep then, yeah?"

"Can...Can I stay here? With you? I mean, I can go ho-" I countered, but was cut off as Louis pressed his soft lips to mine again.

"Don't even think about leaving me now," he giggled, and I untangled myself from him, standing up to get out of my jeans, which were still a bit damp and very uncomfortable. Louis eyed me, amused. 

"Don't even think about it, Louis. Keep it in your pants," I warned him playfully, and he just smiled, rolling over so he could rid himself of his jeans as well. He rolled his eyes in response, lifting the blanket so I could crawl in next to him. I cuddled into his chest, enjoying every single moment that I could spend just in his arms. We didn't said anything after that. I just listened to his steady and soothing heartbeat, letting it lull me to sleep.

_____________

"Baby, wake up. Breakfast is ready," Louis' voice infused the sleepy bubble I was in. I felt a familiar hand rubbing my lower back and soft lips on my cheek. "Come on, sleepy head. Time to wake up."

I slowly managed to crack an eye open, and immediately spotted Louis sitting next to me with a tray full of pancakes, strawberries, maple syrup and orange juice. Next to our plates was a small vase with a red rose. _Wow_. I lifted my head slowly, blinking a few times. 

"For me? What did I do to deserve this?" I asked in a croaky voice, eyeing Louis curiously, who was just beaming at me.

"You're my boyfriend. You deserve the world."

I shook my head, giggling. Gosh, I had missed Louis. Laying here next to him had shown that, but this was a step further. 

"Open up," Louis commanded as he placed a strawberry right to my mouth. I took a careful bite, closing my eyes with pleasure. A sweet familiar taste filled my mouth as I chewed the strawberry.

"Tastes like you," I said, licking over my lips teasingly. Louis placed the tray on the nightstand and leaned in, stopping himself only a few inches away from my face.

"Mhmm...does it?" he teased, resting our foreheads together. 

"Mhm," I hummed and Louis bit down on his lip. 

"Are you 100% sure?"

"Mh....no, I think I need to check that again," I countered, my eyes glued to his lips. 

"Okay, but just because you insist," he smirked as he leaned in and our lips touched again. Louis pushed me down, so I was lying on my back, before deepening our kiss. I felt a warm, familiar pulling in my stomach when his tongue touched mine. I grabbed Louis by his hips and pulled him closer, needing him to be as close as possible. He threaded his fingers into my curls and tugged lightly as he placed gentle kisses down my neck. Louis started sucking a little bruise into my skin, while one of his hands wandered down on the side of my body, slowly sliding under my shirt. I moaned at the increasing feeling that was floating through my entire body. I could feel myself harden with every bruise Louis sucked into my skin. 

"You know that you're making this incredibly hard for me to take things slow...moaning like that. And feeling your semi hard-on pressed against my thigh doesn't help either," Louis hummed against my neck. His breath against my skin made me shiver even more. _Fuck_. Louis must have noticed, because he let out a giggle.

"Oh fuck it," I exhaled. "Take your shirt off. Now."

"What about ta-"

"Forget what I said yesterday. I need you, Lou..." I cut him off. Louis shook his head, still smiling as he sat up straight, right on top of me and took his shirt off. I reached my hands out to pet over the outlines of his abs. 

"Damn, I forgot how you looked naked," I added, fascinated by every single detail of Louis' bare chest. 

Louis grinned as he leaned in again, sealing our lips. He placed his hands under the hem of my shirt, slowly pushing it upwards as he let his tongue flick over my lips. He pulled away, before winking at me and wandering down my body. He placed a kiss right below my navel, which made me shiver. I threw my head back into the pillow as he placed another one even further down. I could feel his smile against my skin and his hands shoved my shirt up even more. Louis let his tongue wander all over my stomach before he pulled away and took my shirt off. He placed small kisses on my bare chest, flicking his tongue over one of my nipples. I jumped at the sensation, and Louis took that as his cue to start sucking on it. I let out a moan and I could feel Louis' hand traveling down my chest. His hand was pleasantly cool on my hot skin and I felt my dick twitch. Louis definitely noticed, because I could feel him harden instantly, and he pulled away from me for a second, just looking down at me and admiring. He smirked as his hands traveled down my stomach, right to the waistband of my pants. All I could think about was Louis between my legs. I arched my back, eager for some kind of friction, and Louis placed his hand on my crotch and started palming me through my pants. I whimpered at the contact and one of my hands tangled in his hair. Louis started pecking my tummy again and a few moments later we were smashing our lips together. Our lips moved sloppily with each other...fuck, I needed him so much. Louis played with the waistband of my pants, waiting for me to give him permission. 

"It's your last chance to take things slow," he panted against my lips. I just shook my head, deepening our kiss. It was pretty clear that I didn't want to stop right now. I buried my hands in his hair as he let his hand slid into my pants, wrapping his hand around my hard cock. 

"Fuuuuuck," I moaned, thrusting into his hand, as Louis started to pump me slowly. I sucked hard on his neck, which made him letting out the highest whimpers, his hand tightening ever so slightly on me. I didn't hesitate for too long before reaching down between us, slipping my hand into his pants as well. Louis shivered at the contact, pumping my cock even harder. He smashed our lips back together, making me moan right into his mouth. The warmth of his hand and the friction on me was almost too much for me to handle. 

"Take your pants off..." I commanded breathlessly, and Louis did as I asked. He slipped out of his pants easily before pulling mine off as well. His cock was pressed against his stomach, fully hard and flushed red. I expected him to climb back on top of me, but Louis laid down between my legs instead. I exhaled sharp breath as he marked my hip-bones with a trail of hickeys, and I just leaned my head back, trying not to thrust up into his face.

"Mmmm...pretty thighs, baby...so soft..." Louis murmured against my skin moving his lips down to my inner thighs. I let out a higher moan as his scruff rubbed deliciously against the sensitive skin of my inner thighs, and Louis looked up at me, his eyes a bit wider. "You like that, yeah? Like the way my beard feels on your thighs?"

"Oh...Oh, fuck, Lou, yes...feels so good...mmmm, don't stop..." I babbled, and Louis smirked, leaning his head back down and burying it between my thighs. He trailed small bites and sucks up and down my thighs, his beard scratching against the bruises in an amazingly painful way that was making my dick leak precome onto my stomach. Without any warning, Louis licked a long stripe up the bottom of my cock and took the head in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. I let out a louder moan and my hand tangled in Louis' hair, the other hand fisting in the sheets as I tried to hold myself back from thrusting into his mouth. Louis took me deeper with every bob of his head, but his tongue was still teasing, dipping into my slit every time he came back to the top. When I felt my tip hit the back of his throat, I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, and I was panting hard, small whimpers leaving my mouth from time to time. He could fucking deep throat. 

I could hear him choking a bit between my legs, but he seemed to be enjoying it a bit, so I just let him, not really in a position to do much else.

"Lou...Lou, fuck, gonna come..." I breathed, and he was immediately gone, his mouth popping off my cock as he pressed wet kisses to my inner thighs again. I whimpered at the loss of his mouth and he came up from between my legs, giving me a kiss. I could taste myself on him as I licked into his mouth.

"Didn't want you to come yet...wanted to...umm...wanted to rim you..." Louis said hoarsely, looking down at me with wide eyes. My eyes squeezed shut for a moment as the mere thought of that sent another throb down to my cock. I nodded furiously.

Louis just smirked at me, a devilish grin on his face. He was definitely having fun.

"Turn around," he commanded as he backed away, making some space for me to move. He was still holding on my hips for support. I turned as he asked, and stayed up on my knees, sticking my bum into the air slightly and leaning on my forearms for support. Louis leaned over me, pressing light kisses up my spine and then onto my neck, breathing in deeply.

"Really nice view," Louis breathed against the back of my neck, sending goose bumps all over my body. I could feel him smile as he traced small kisses back down my back, one of his hands reaching around my waist and wandering down the front of my body. 

"F-Fuck," I moaned as he wrapped his hand around my achingly hard cock, giving it a few slow pumps before letting it go again. There were a few seconds where I moaned at the lost of contact, but the moans caught in my throat as I felt Louis' hands on my ass, one finger sliding gently into the crack. I rested my sweaty forehead on the cold fabric of the pillow beneath me, biting down on the inside of my cheeks to keep from screaming with pleasure and need.

Louis kneaded my cheeks and then pulled them apart very slowly, teasing me. I opened my mouth to protest when I felt him like a fat stripe right over my hole, and a high pitched sound that I had never made before ripped its way up my throat. I jolted forward in response, but Louis was prepared, because he pulled me back by my hips gently, pressing his lips to each of my cheeks in turn.

"I'd prefer if you'd stay here," he said a bit cheekily, and that turned me on even more. I whimpered but relaxed under his hands, and there his tongue was again, licking wetly over my hole.  I inhaled a sharp breath, overwhelmed by this new sensation and most definitely wanting it to continue. He started giving my hole little kitten licks, nipping at the soft skin around my hole and making both of us moan from the pleasure. Louis swirled his tongue around the outside of my hole and then dipped it inside. I buried my face in the pillow and moaned loudly into it. I wanted to cry with how good it felt. Louis continued to fuck his tongue in and out of my hole, the roughness of his tongue feeling so good against my smooth walls.

"Oh god, Lou...oh fuck..." I cried out as I grabbed the sheets, holding onto them for some sort of support.

Just when I thought things couldn't get more intense, I felt a liquid drizzling onto the top of my ass, running down between my cheeks...something smooth and almost warm feeling. 

"It's massage oil," Louis answered my unspoken question, sounding a bit amused. "You can eat it, I promise."

He finished his sentence and a moment later, I could feel his tongue running down my crack and between my cheeks again. My lower half started to tingle even more, my cock aching and leaking precome onto the sheets. Louis pushed one of his fingers inside me slowly at that moment and I let out a high pitched whimper. I could feel my knees starting to shake. 

"Louis...I...oh god, I think I might come soon, fuck..." I exhaled, breathing heavily. 

"Just a little bit longer, love," he comforted me, pressing kisses onto my lower back and down my thighs. His beard scratched at the backs of my thighs, adding to the burning still happening between my thighs from him sucking me off. 

He added another finger, pushing them in and out carefully because I was so tight. I bit down my bottom lip at the stretching feeling...it felt so fucking good. Louis kissed my back again and slowly worked a third finger in there, moving them around and stretching me. He suddenly curled his fingers forward, hitting my prostate. My hips jolted forwards and my cock twitched painfully. I thrust back on Louis fingers, needing more friction, and he curled them again.

"Louis..." I whined, desperate to find release. He didn't hesitate at this point, winding a hand around me and stroking my cock quickly.  With a loud, rough moan, I came all over his hand and collapsed forward onto the bed, my head spinning and my hips thrusting into the bed as I came.  But the need of feeling Louis as close as possible was still there. I needed him inside me. 

"Louis, fuck me. Please," I begged with a shaky voice. Louis opened his mouth to say something, but I didn't even let him speak, my voice breaking as I pleaded with him, just needing him. "Please. I need you!"

He hesitated for a split second before kissing my shoulder, humming. "Whatever you want, Hazza. But I want to face you for that...turn over for me, baby."

I did as he asked and rolled over onto my back, still short of breath. My whole body was covered in a layer of sweat, my cheeks flushed from arousal.

"Look at you, such a mess for me," Louis whispered into my mouth as he pressed a hot, wet kiss to my lips. I moaned a little bit and licked into his mouth, needing to taste him. Louis kissed me once more before pulling back, his eyes wide. "Condom?"

"No. No! I wanna feel you, please. I mean...are you clean?" I asked, almost fearing his answer.

"Haven't had sex with anyone," he answered in a low voice. 

"Good. Good....I mean...me neither..." I stumbled over my words, feeling a bit hazy but amazing. "Wanna...want you to fuck me...please, Lou..." 

"It's okay, Haz. Relax, love, I'm gonna take care of you," Louis said, pressing our lips together before reaching over to his night stand and grabbing a bottle of lube from the drawer. He opened it trickled some onto his fingers, rubbing it up and down his straining cock, which had gone mostly untouched this entire time. How he had not come yet, I wasn't sure. Louis didn't let his eyes leave me as he tossed the lube away somewhere, his face softening as he pumped his own cock slowly in his fist, the lube making wet sounds. He was studying every move I made, making sure I was doing okay. He leaned down again, and I leaned up a bit to claim his lips, both of us just sucking wet, sloppy kisses. He licked over my bottom lip, waiting for me to give him access, and as I did, I felt him line up carefully with my hole.

"You tell me if you need me to stop, yeah? I don't wanna hurt you. I mean it's been a while, so...yeah," he whispered nervously against my lips. I nodded and he slid his tongue into my mouth again, kissing me eagerly. He started pressing the head of his cock inside me, and a familiar pain spread through my body. I hissed a bit at the pain, but when Louis pulled back to check on me, his eyes widening with concern, I just shook my head, signalling for him to go on. I tangled my legs behind his back, pulling him towards me and even further into me. I let out a broken moan and gripped at his back.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked, watching me carefully.

"Yeah...yeah. Keep going...m'good. Need you..." I gasped, feeling my cock already starting to get hard again.

"I love you so much, Harry," Louis breathed against my lips as he gave another thrust, this time a bit more rough. The next thrust found my prostate and I let out a guttural moan in response. Louis was breathing heavily as well, his body sweaty and shaking. I knew he was close, and honestly, I wouldn't be that far behind at this rate.

"Fuck me, Louis. Come on..." I moaned right into his ear and Louis started thrusting at a faster rate, his face contorting in pleasure.  The only sounds in the room were our heavy breathing, some whimpers and moans, and our skin slapping together. It was only a minute or so before I found myself fully hard and leaking again, Louis' fingers digging into my upper arms as he thrust even harder into me. His moans were more high pitched and coming more frequently, and my legs tightened around his waist.

"Come for me, Lou..." I gasped out, and that seemed to take him right over the edge. I could feel his come pulsing out inside of me as he continued to thrust into me, and that was enough to get me to my release as well, the second one of the morning. My come splattered up my chest as Louis slowed his thrusts, breathing heavily, his face one of pure bliss. His chest was coated in sweat and his fringe was falling into his eyes. He pulled out carefully, collapsing beside me, and we both just lay there, exhausted and fucked out.

"Oh my fucking god," Louis panted, trying to come down from his high. "That was ...wow."

I burrowed my face in the crock of my elbow, trying to soothe my heavy breathing. Louis planted a kiss on the top of my head, reaching over me to fumble for something on the floor. Moments later, I felt a soft layer of fabric on my stomach. Louis wiped away the mess that was still on my stomach, his fingers pressing into my stomach ever so slightly as he did so. The fabric was extremely soft and I cracked an eye open, curious as to what he was using to clean me up. The texture of the fabric felt way too familiar. My eyes went wide when I spotted my beloved _Yves-Saint-Laurent_ shirt in his hands. 

"LOUIS! Are you fucking insane? You can't clean me up with my _Yves-Saint-Laurent_ shirt! That shirt costs a fortune!" I exclaimed, slightly panicking. 

"Oops," Louis said, looking up at me through his eyelashes. "I'm sure you can wash it. If not, I'll send _Yves-Saint-Laurent_ an e-mail and ask them how to remove cum-stains." He mocked me with a devilish smile on his face. "Besides, it's too late to complain now." He laughed a little, throwing the shirt back to the floor, and kissed me again, soft and gentle.

"You are definitely something else, Tomlinson," I mumbled, brushing over his cheeks with my hands and feeling warm and sleepy now that I was coming down from my high.

"I know, that's why you love me," he answered, poking my dimple and curling up next to me.

_______

A few hours later, after both of us had taken a shower and finally eaten some breakfast, we decided  to go over to my place, since I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to check on Nick and David. I didn't want them worrying about me too much, and in any case, I needed clothes.

"They'll know that we had sex," I pouted as Louis parked the car right in front of my flat. "I mean, look at me. I'm wearing your sweatpants and your shirt."

"Hey, in my defense, it wasn't me who got so caught up in kissing their boyfriend that they spilled tea on their pants..." he said back, poking my pouty lip. "And besides, I think you look hot in those tight sweatpants."

"Shut up..." I exclaimed, pushing his shoulder. 

"Come on now, princess. Let's go inside," he mocked playfully, but I couldn't remain serious anymore. 

"Oh stop it, Lou..." I laughed as I got out of the car. After Louis walked around the car he grabbed my hand as we walked into the building. 

"I've missed holding your hand," Louis said in a soft voice, giving my hand a squeeze.

"I've missed it too," I agreed, looking into his bright blue eyes, before I fumbled for the keys. I got distracted when I heard loud laughter from inside the flat. 

"Seems like we're missing a party," Louis explained, noticing the confused look on my face. I shrugged, unlocking the door. When Louis and I stepped inside the flat, five people looked up from the main room.

"Oh, look who's here," Niall exclaimed, jumping up from where he was sitting and running over to us excitedly. Nick and David exchanged quick knowing smirks with Liam and Zayn. _Fucking great_. I rolled my eyes, trying not to look too awkward. 

"Um...hi," Louis and I both greeted the others, who looked amused.  

Niall grabbed our arms and dragged us over to where they where sitting.

"Are you waddling, Harry?" Niall asked curiously, and all of the others immediately busted into laughter, including Louis.

"I am NOT waddling," I protested, half embarrassed and half shocked, my cheeks flaring up. I was pretty sure my face was the color of a tomato.

"And you thought they would know because you're wearing my clothes," Louis laughed, leaning over to peck a kiss to my flushed cheek, which made the others laugh even more. I pushed him playfully, and we sat down on the free spot on one of the couches. 

"Soo....?" Nick mocked with a big smirk on his face, waiting for us to drop the big bomb.

"I am not waddling," I defended myself again, making Louis hide his face in amusement. The one time he couldn't keep a straight face...

"Sure, Jan," Liam countered, and Zayn bit down on his hand, trying to muffle his laughter. 

"Traitor," I hissed, glaring at Liam, who didn't even try to cover up his smirk or his laugh.

Louis leaned back against the back of the couch, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to him, nuzzling my neck.

"What Harry is trying to say is, yes we talked about a lot of things and we decided to start all over again. Pure honesty and a lot of talking are the basic rules to make this work," Louis said, cracking the biggest smile I've seen in a while. He looked so happy and I couldn't ask for anything better than seeing him like this. He had those cute little crinkles by his eyes when he laughed like that. His eyes were so bright and so full of life and I caught myself getting lost in them. I felt the sudden urge to kiss Louis and nothing seemed to be able to stop me from that. I leaned in and pressed a firm kiss onto his lips, catching Louis off guard. He smiled against my lips, kissing back. 

_Click. Click. Click._

My head snapped around to meet Niall, who was taking pictures of us. I had totally forgotten about the others, who looked even more amused than before.

"Great," I mumbled, pulling away from Louis with embarrassment, but Louis pulled me closer to him.

"Yeah, I think we can see that you're on good terms again, for sure" David said and I just rolled my eyes at him, but my gaze was kind. It was only thanks to him that I had even had the courage to go after Louis this time. The whole room was laughing again, and I couldn't help but smile widely. I had missed this so much. 

Louis' phone started ringing and he fished it out of his pocket, holding it up and eyeing the number curiously.

"Who is it?" I asked, but Louis just shrugged, picking up. All of us were watching him curiously as we listened to his side of the conversation.

_"Louis Tomlinson...oh hello...thank you...mhm...sure...really? Wow, I feel honored...yeah, yeah - really good friends of mine...yeah that's my boyfriend...really?"_

The others and I just exchanged curious look, not having any idea what was going on, but it seemed to be a good thing because Louis was beaming.

" _Wow, yeah! Thank you for your call. Of course I'll let you know...Thank you, have a great day!"_  Louis said before hanging up. He turned to face us, an even brighter smile on his face. 

"Who was that?" Liam asked before any of us others could.

"That was the scout from the play. He said he loved it, everything about it, and he asked me if I wanted to direct the big play at the London Theatre next year," Louis said, sounding almost shocked. "And he asked if it was possible to bring the people who were responsible for all the _beautiful_ costumes. He doesn't only want me, but he wants Haz and Nick as well," he exclaimed, almost jumping in excitement. 

"What?" we asked in unison, not believing a single word that came from his lips. 

"Yes. They want all of us!" Louis cheered, pulling me into a tight hug. "We convinced him. You convinced him. Nick convinced him. I convinced him. I can't believe it! This is literally my second biggest dream come true!"

"And what's your biggest dream then? Directing a play at the Royal Palace?" Nick mocked him, but Louis shook his head, his gaze becoming soft as he looked at me. 

"My biggest dream came true last night. I have the person who means the world to me back," he said, leaning in to kiss me again, and I blushed furiously, not believing that he had actually just said that. 

"Oh my god, I think I might throw up," Liam said in mock disgust. "This is too much cuteness to handle."

"Payback is a bitch, I guess. That's for all the months full of you and Zayn making out all over the damn place," I countered, flipping him off while blowing him a kiss. All of us started laughing again. It was nice too feel free and not have to worry about anything right now. I couldn't be happier. 

"And yeah, in case you really wanted to know, he _is_ waddling," Louis exclaimed, poking out his tongue and winking at me.

"Take that back!" I exclaimed, but Louis was too quick for me, leaning in to seal our lips together once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys, Vanessa here. Yip - that's it. That's the end. I'm looking back at this with a happy and a sad smile. You can't imagine what this fic means to me. This was the first fic I have ever written. I had this idea in my head for a while, but wasn't sure how I would be able to make a whole fic out of this since I'm not a native english-speaker. But luckily Liz offered to edit all of it. After I had finished the first two chapters I decided to ask Liz to become my co-author, since she had a lot of writing experience and a lot of good ideas for the plot. So I wanna thank Liz for helping me out and making this fic our baby. ;) I really love you. x 
> 
> When I look back at it now I'm incredibly proud of what we achieved. I am sad to leave all of the characters behind, because I grew pretty fond of every single one of them. But that's how it goes, I guess. We decided that we didn't want to drag this story out any longer. But who knows, maybe one of us might have an idea for a sequel someday and we'll come back to this story. I just want to thank every single one of you for always sharing your thoughts and giving us your feedback on this story. I hope you like the way it ended. 
> 
> For the future I have already another idea for a fic, which I'm currently working on. So I'll definitely keep you updated (either here, on twitter: @OhNoLarreh or ao3: OhNoLarreh). 
> 
> I love you guys lots xx 
> 
> ***
> 
> Hey hey, it's Liz here. Wow...I cannot believe it's over already. I don't know if I should cry or celebrate...I'll probably do both. This fic has meant so much to me, it's definitely our baby. I was completely honored when Ness asked me to collaborate with her on this...I never thought that would happen, but here we are, and I think it's worked out fantastically for us and for you guys as readers. I'm so proud of what we accomplished together, and who knows, maybe there will be more of our collaborations in the future *wink wink*.
> 
> Thank you so so much to Vanessa for letting me help her write this, it was definitely one of my favorite fics to do, and I couldn't be more proud or honored to be a co-author to this. I love you, Ness. Here's to more of our crazy stories :)
> 
> And thank you to all of you readers out there. We appreciate every single bit of feedback we get from you guys, whether it's a comment yelling at us for whatever we did, a comment praising the story, or something as simple as a like, a vote, or a kudos. We couldn't have asked for a better reaction and we hope you guys will come back and read our stuff, whether it's our separate works or another collab.
> 
> I've got some ideas as well and I am working on a new fic as we speak, but this one will only be on ao3 so when it gets posted, come check it out. You can find me at @suttonej (wattpad) or Dont_Stop_Larry (ao3) or you can follow me on twitter as well (@Dont_Stop_Larry). Thank you guys again, I love you all so so much xxxx


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